Staying for the baby/child/children

I think many stay for the reasons you mentioned. Why you don't want to be with him is very important so it's hard to give you much advice. But based on the fears you expressed I'd wait it out for my baby girl if I could tolerate it. If MIL or her dad hurt the baby you would want to die (or kill them) so I'd hold on a little while.
 
You need to work at getting those issues resolved about the grandmother and the father. You staying because of fear isn't going to make the more pressing issues go away. The father needs to learn how to parent a small child/infant. Whatever happened with the grandmother needs to be addressed. Whether you are with him or not, the child will inevitably interact with his/her dad and grandmother. That's the more important issue, IMO.
 
I would try couple's counseling if he's willing to go. Maybe you can work out some of your relationship issues, or at least work out a way to co-parent that makes you both feel comfortable.
 
I wouldn't go anywhere then. Are you two married yet or just engaged? Either way I would work things out for now. Maybe get parenting classes for both of you, perhaps he will go if you go too. Try to calmly discuss the issue about his mom. You will get much further with him on that issue as his fiancée or wife vs. as his ex. Based on what you wrote there is no immediate reason to bounce with a little 4-month old in tow. Perhaps get pre-marital or marriage counseling. Just hold on a bit. Men really can be annoying sometimes that is not abnormal. I think you will regret leaving so soon. If he's a decent guy it would be nice for your daughter to have an intact family.
 
I agree with hopeful. He doesn't sound like a complete loser, just a little immature and he doesn't know anything about parenting. I would try to work on the relationship. Counseling and parenting classes would be really helpful for you both. Having a new baby can be stressful for any couple, even when things are great, so what you're going through isn't unusual. If you can talk through your issues in a healthy way, you might actually be able to build a stronger relationship and have a solid marriage.

Also, you have to be very careful how you address the issues with his mom. Be respectful towards her, and be sensitive when you talk to him about her. He should be the one to check her about her behavior, not you.
 
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FoxxyLocs said:
I agree with hopeful. He doesn't sound like a complete loser, just a little immature and he doesn't know anything about parenting. I would try to work on the relationship. Counseling and parenting classes would be really helpful for you both. Having a new baby can be stressful for any couple, even when things are great, so what you're going through isn't unusual. If you can get talk through your issues in a healthy way, you might actually be able to build a stronger relationship and have a solid marriage.

Also, you have to be very careful how you address the issues with his mom. Be respectful towards her, and be sensitive when you talk to him about her. He should be the one to check her about her behavior, not you.
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FoxxyLocs oh yes I completely agree with him being the one to check him mom. I'm trying to avoid creating that bad blood at all cost. Only problem is he thinks his mom can do no wrong. He's the youngest of the family and they are quite close. Thank you for your advice :).
 
Charlie555 said:
FoxxyLocs oh yes I completely agree with him being the one to check him mom. I'm trying to avoid creating that bad blood at all cost. Only problem is he thinks his mom can do no wrong. He's the youngest of the family and they are quite close. Thank you for your advice :).
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Yeah it's very tricky navigating that mother-son relationship. Just be sweet when you talk about the issues you're having with her. You don't want to make him feel like you're making him chose you over his mother, although that's what he has to do. It helps to use words like "hurt, scared, sad" vs "angry, frustrated, irritated".
 
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Just talk to him about the issues you are having. you have to have open communication rather you two are together or not. let him know it bothers you his mom doesn't answer the phone when you call and this makes you uncomfortable that she conveniently answers when he calls, take some parenting classes together as suggested.
 
We have major communication issues in general. Often when I talk to him I feel like he doesn't get me. I'm a big planner. I like to make plans for my life as I feel it gives me direction. I make small goals as well as big ones. I'm also good about planning backup options. If things don't go according to plans & I'm trying to confide in him about being worried, scared or frustrated. Instead he tells me to get over it, period. I'm like, gee can you sympathize with me a little?? But then I realized its because he never makes plans.

He stayed home with me for 6 long weeks after I delivered my daughter. I all but begged him to go back to work at 2 weeks postpartum! I even tried to show him I could handle the baby all alone while he was gone. With him around so much I wanted to pull my hair out! I wondered to myself how would I survive retirement with someone I couldn't even handle 6 weeks with. LOL




Eta: We are so headed to therapy. He might not like some of what I have to say but I'm going to lay it all out there.
 
I was mentioned but I guess the post was deleted.

All I can say is that he sounds willing to be there which is a HUGE plus and can be a solid starting point in therapy. Count yourself lucky even if you think it was unnecessary for him to be there for 6 weeks, at least he was there.

And as a mom who has children that frequently visit with their paternal side of the family, I would advise you to frame conversations around the baby instead of directly saying "your mom." It's less threatening and addresses the real concern. Once you say "mother" his defenses will go up. Like "well, you know I think the baby ...." or "Do you think the baby..." instead "Your mother did...." or "Your mother made me feel.." During therapy, yall can work on the direct communication between yourselves so just tread lightly with the mom thing for now, IMO.
 
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Charlie555 I wasn't able to read the other posts, but I just wanted to ask what is wrong with a father wanting to spend time with his new born child? He probably loves her as much as you do?

If your daughter is only 4 months old, I also wanted to add that it sometimes takes a while before you feel like your old self after you have given birth. At least it was that way for me. It took me about a year. We fought a lot about our son in the beginning, but if you can believe it our relationship is better than ever now since we worked out our differences. The best advice I got before I had my son was to not do anything with the relationship the first year. It's boot camp, more or less.

Many people want to leave because they don't communicate so well with their spouse, but think about it. When you have a child together you'll have to communicate better than ever regardless whether you live together or not for the coming 18 years, so it's better to grab the bull by the horns as we say here and try to make it work if possible.

If it's difficult now, imagine when a step mother is involved etc. Eeeeek!! I would go bonkers.
 
I got nervous about leaving such a personal experience up so I deleted it :(

Eta: thank you to everyone who replied. I feel a little less like I'm losing my mind lol.
 
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