Spinoff499: Pros and Cons of Monogamy and Polygamy/Polyamory (Objective)

[cocoberry10]

Please don't be intimidated by this thread.

Your answers don't have to be based on your personal beliefs. I thought this would be a good thread (in fact, I should also post it in Off-Topic).

Anyway, i would really like to discuss the objective pros and cons of both.

Although I have my beliefs, I do believe that there are pros and cons to both styles.

 

[JustKiya]

Monogamy: (where any other sexual contact is cheating)

Pro's:
Simplicity in relationship
No risk of disease
Traditional
Law is on your side

Con's:
Can become boring
Innately lacking a village

Polyamoury(gyny/gamy):

Pro's:
Multiple partners w/o disease concerns
Increased family support
Increased economic support

Con's:
Non-traditional
Complex
Potential legal issues

 

[*Frisky*]

I have a question about Polygamy/Polyamory....is it just 3 people involved or can it be numerous people?

 

[JustKiya]

I have a question about Polygamy/Polyamory....is it just 3 people involved or can it be numerous people?

3 or more people.

 

[JustKiya]

DP, dammit.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I think the cons with polygamy outweigh the cons with monogamy - especially for women....

The jealousy would be too much for me...I could not sit back and watch my husband sleep with other "wives". I used to watch Big Love on HBO...and how there were rules like First Wife and Second Wife...

First Wife gets more rights / is displayed as the actual wife in society. The other wives have to act like aunts or family members. I wouldn't dare put myself through that.

 

[SugarBaby]

Interesting thread, Coco...I have my thoughts and opinions but it is too early for us this morning...


I will wait for more opinions...

 

[JFemme]

Interesting thread, Coco...I have my thoughts and opinions but it is too early for us this morning...


I will wait for more opinions...

Co-signing...

 

[cutiebe2]

I watched Oprah's visit to the FLDS compund and it gave me good insight into how polygamy works (at least for them)

I finally began to understand when the women said they are here to live for God, and to create the best family that will help them do that. They all work together (even the children)

When it came to the relationship with each other I was really impressed. They said at first yes, you may get feeling of jealousy, but as people of God you know that is a weaknes of the flesh. Since you should always work to overcome these weaknesses you have to work to overcome the jealousy, and you do that with love. Any bad feeling you have must be overcome since you are trying to live your life as much like God as possible. You have have to not only overcome these feeling but learn to love the other women. They said having the other wives around made them better people because it was a test, and showed them the many flaws they have within themselves. After I heard that I thought about polygamy in a different light.
I also like how their families are really tight knot and strong, the children cannot say they don't have loving people around them (I won't get into the legal charges since we don't know what really went on)

I probably could never live in a polygamous marriage though, since I think you need to me raised in that environment for it to work...

ETA: they don't have any type of hierarchy between wives so I guess different polygamist to things differently...

 

[JFemme]

I watched Oprah's visit to the FLDS compund and it gave me good insight into how polygamy works (at least for them)

I finally began to understand when the women said they are here to live for God, and to create the best family that will help them do that. They all work together (even the children)

When it came to the relationship with each other I was really impressed. They said at first yes, you may get feeling of jealousy, but as people of God you know that is a weaknes of the flesh. Since you should always work to overcome these weaknesses you have to work to overcome the jealousy, and you do that with love. Any bad feeling you have must be overcome since you are trying to live your life as much like God as possible. You have have to not only overcome these feeling but learn to love the other women. They said having the other wives around made them better people because it was a test, and showed them the many flaws they have within themselves. After I heard that I thought about polygamy in a different light.
I also like how their families are really tight knot and strong, the children cannot say they don't have loving people around them (I won't get into the legal charges since we don't know what really went on)

I probably could never live in a polygamous marriage though, since I think you need to me raised in that environment for it to work...

Yes, that show was thought provoking..

However, I did not feel the sexual -intimacy questions were properly addressed nor answered to my satisfaction.

The women's primary source of contact-intimacy seemed to be with one another, sans intercourse.

Interesting, huh.

 

[JustKiya]

I think the cons with polygamy outweigh the cons with monogamy - especially for women....

The jealousy would be too much for me...I could not sit back and watch my husband sleep with other "wives". I used to watch Big Love on HBO...and how there were rules like First Wife and Second Wife...

First Wife gets more rights / is displayed as the actual wife in society. The other wives have to act like aunts or family members. I wouldn't dare put myself through that.

It depends on the situation. Most of the polygamous situations people are exposed to are religiously based, and usually a patriarchal religion, and so yeah, women get the short end of the stick.

Speaking specifically about Big Love, they were Mormons. In an environment where poly living done by Mormons was tightly and highly scrutinized, and there were repercussions (including legal ones, if I remember correctly, but definitely religious ones) for having multiple wives.

In non-religiously based poly families, though, there is usually never that sort of hierarchy, and depending on the wider community you live in, both women are either wives, or one is a wife and one is a girlfriend, or both are girlfriends. One of my good friends just celebrated their first Polyversary - a year, one wife, one husband, one girlfriend.

 

[cocoberry10]

Monogamy: (where any other sexual contact is cheating)

Pro's:
Simplicity in relationship
No risk of disease
Traditional
Law is on your side

Con's:
Can become boring
Innately lacking a village

Polyamoury(gyny/gamy):

Pro's:
Multiple partners w/o disease concerns
Increased family support
Increased economic support

Con's:
Non-traditional
Complex
Potential legal issues

Thanks for this response. Now, do you think that polyamory doesn't have disease concern b/c you are with people you know?

 

[cutiebe2]

Yes, that show was thought provoking..

However, I did not feel the sexual -intimacy questions were properly addressed nor answered to my satisfaction.

The women's primary source of contact-intimacy seemed to be with one another, sans intercourse.

Interesting, huh.

Yes, they were not discussed but at the same time I saw what they man was saying. Oprah was trying to talk about this in front of the children at the dinner table And even when he made it clear that they did not believe in talking about that stuff around children she tried to continue
But yes, I would have liked to know more

 

[cocoberry10]

I have a question about Polygamy/Polyamory....is it just 3 people involved or can it be numerous people?

It can be more. BTW, your nails look great. Nice and strong and pretty color polish!

 

[cocoberry10]

I watched Oprah's visit to the FLDS compund and it gave me good insight into how polygamy works (at least for them)

I finally began to understand when the women said they are here to live for God, and to create the best family that will help them do that. They all work together (even the children)

When it came to the relationship with each other I was really impressed. They said at first yes, you may get feeling of jealousy, but as people of God you know that is a weaknes of the flesh. Since you should always work to overcome these weaknesses you have to work to overcome the jealousy, and you do that with love. Any bad feeling you have must be overcome since you are trying to live your life as much like God as possible. You have have to not only overcome these feeling but learn to love the other women. They said having the other wives around made them better people because it was a test, and showed them the many flaws they have within themselves. After I heard that I thought about polygamy in a different light.
I also like how their families are really tight knot and strong, the children cannot say they don't have loving people around them (I won't get into the legal charges since we don't know what really went on)

I probably could never live in a polygamous marriage though, since I think you need to me raised in that environment for it to work...

ETA: they don't have any type of hierarchy between wives so I guess different polygamist to things differently...

Thanks for sharing this. I did not see that episode, but I wonder if I can watch it online somewhere!

 

[cocoberry10]

Interesting thread, Coco...I have my thoughts and opinions but it is too early for us this morning...


I will wait for more opinions...

I'm eagerly waiting for your response

I thought this would be good in light of the other threads

 

[cocoberry10]

Yes, that show was thought provoking..

However, I did not feel the sexual -intimacy questions were properly addressed nor answered to my satisfaction.

The women's primary source of contact-intimacy seemed to be with one another, sans intercourse.

Interesting, huh.

Can't wait to hear your thoughts JFemme!

 

[cocoberry10]

It depends on the situation. Most of the polygamous situations people are exposed to are religiously based, and usually a patriarchal religion, and so yeah, women get the short end of the stick.

Speaking specifically about Big Love, they were Mormons. In an environment where poly living done by Mormons was tightly and highly scrutinized, and there were repercussions (including legal ones, if I remember correctly, but definitely religious ones) for having multiple wives.

In non-religiously based poly families, though, there is usually never that sort of hierarchy, and depending on the wider community you live in, both women are either wives, or one is a wife and one is a girlfriend, or both are girlfriends. One of my good friends just celebrated their first Polyversary - a year, one wife, one husband, one girlfriend.

I wonder if there are polgyamous/polyamorous societies where the woman has multiple husbands, instead of a man with multiple wives. I will need to research that.

I am intrigued to find out how that situation works.

 

[DragonPearl]

I thought that Oprah show was amazing as well.

It confirmed to me that monogamy, polygamy, and polyandry are really cultural and religious arrangements. If you're born and raised in a particular culture where these things are considered normal and people seem to be happy with them, you too will consider them normal and you will be happy with them.

Unfortunately, problems seem to arise when people don't play by the rules of the society.

In monogamous societies, when people have more than 1 partner, it creates conflict and jealousy.

In polygamous societies, if the multiple partners are not treated equally and with respect, it creates conflict and jealousy.

 

[SugarBaby]

It depends on the situation. Most of the polygamous situations people are exposed to are religiously based, and usually a patriarchal religion, and so yeah, women get the short end of the stick.

Speaking specifically about Big Love, they were Mormons. In an environment where poly living done by Mormons was tightly and highly scrutinized, and there were repercussions (including legal ones, if I remember correctly, but definitely religious ones) for having multiple wives.

In non-religiously based poly families, though, there is usually never that sort of hierarchy, and depending on the wider community you live in, both women are either wives, or one is a wife and one is a girlfriend, or both are girlfriends. One of my good friends just celebrated their first Polyversary - a year, one wife, one husband, one girlfriend.

I wish you would share your observation of this triad, its inner workings and if the good friend has talked about her reason for doing it (is she the GF or Wife? ) ...

I think this could definately work, but it is only for people that are very mature and well established in their skin. (My opinion) I think it could really work b/c of the honesty and the respect which unfortunately is missing in many relationships.

Please share....

 

[JustKiya]

Thanks for this response. Now, do you think that polyamory doesn't have disease concern b/c you are with people you know?

Yes - just as there is less (assuming an HONEST relationship, which is even more critical in poly relations than in mono ones) risk of disease when you are sleeping with just your husband - having multiple spouses affords that same 'protection' with multiple people.

I wonder if there are polgyamous/polyamorous societies where the woman has multiple husbands, instead of a man with multiple wives. I will need to research that.

I am intrigued to find out how that situation works.

It's called polygyny, and there aren't many. I think there is a tropical/island people that practice it, but don't get me to lying.

[/b]


I wish you would share your observation of this triad, its inner workings and if the good friend has talked about her reason for doing it (is she the GF or Wife? ) ...

I think this could definately work, but it is only for people that are very mature and well established in their skin. (My opinion) I think it could really work b/c of the honesty and the respect which unfortunately is missing in many relationships.

Please share....

My good friend is the girlfriend, but I know the wife/husband pair as well. They have always been in an open marriage, and A is the first woman that they have been able to integrate into their marriage smoothly.

It's interesting that you ask the reason for doing it - I asked them (GF & wife) once why, and the wife's answer was more along the lines of 'Why not?' - she enjoys having another adult member of the family, and they aren't in a monogamous marriage - never planned on being in one - and their relationship works, for them. That's about as far into their inner workings as I've gone - I don't know how they divvy up the coloring, and I'm not sure I want to. I think W is bisexual, I know A is - but I don't know if they are coloring with each other, either - though, it would surprise me if they were not - they've got a certain energy.

My observations? Wife & GF were friends before the relationship with H came into the picture - so that helped things, a lot - she wasn't a 'stranger' so to speak. I don't know who initiated - I suspect H did, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if W approached A.

Their little girl (H&W's) loves A, and considers her a second mother. A isn't interested in children at this time (she's still in school), but she enjoys taking care of R (the daughter) when she can - and H&W love having someone they can totally trust to be with their daughter in their house.

The community (pagan) doesn't care, as long as everyone is being ethical - ie, being poly is okay, cheating is not. I don't think that they live together, but they spend a LOT of time together - W&A on their own, H&W on their own, H&A and HW&A......

 

[SugarBaby]

Yes - just as there is less (assuming an HONEST relationship, which is even more critical in poly relations than in mono ones) risk of disease when you are sleeping with just your husband - having multiple spouses affords that same 'protection' with multiple people.



It's called polygyny, and there aren't many. I think there is a tropical/island people that practice it, but don't get me to lying.



My good friend is the girlfriend, but I know the wife/husband pair as well. They have always been in an open marriage, and A is the first woman that they have been able to integrate into their marriage smoothly.

It's interesting that you ask the reason for doing it - I asked them (GF & wife) once why, and the wife's answer was more along the lines of 'Why not?' - she enjoys having another adult member of the family, and they aren't in a monogamous marriage - never planned on being in one - and their relationship works, for them. That's about as far into their inner workings as I've gone - I don't know how they divvy up the coloring, and I'm not sure I want to. I think W is bisexual, I know A is - but I don't know if they are coloring with each other, either - though, it would surprise me if they were not - they've got a certain energy.

My observations? Wife & GF were friends before the relationship with H came into the picture - so that helped things, a lot - she wasn't a 'stranger' so to speak. I don't know who initiated - I suspect H did, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if W approached A.

Their little girl (H&W's) loves A, and considers her a second mother. A isn't interested in children at this time (she's still in school), but she enjoys taking care of R (the daughter) when she can - and H&W love having someone they can totally trust to be with their daughter in their house.

The community (pagan) doesn't care, as long as everyone is being ethical - ie, being poly is okay, cheating is not. I don't think that they live together, but they spend a LOT of time together - W&A on their own, H&W on their own, H&A and HW&A......

So very interesting...

 

[*Frisky*]

Yes - just as there is less (assuming an HONEST relationship, which is even more critical in poly relations than in mono ones) risk of disease when you are sleeping with just your husband - having multiple spouses affords that same 'protection' with multiple people.



It's called polygyny, and there aren't many. I think there is a tropical/island people that practice it, but don't get me to lying.



My good friend is the girlfriend, but I know the wife/husband pair as well. They have always been in an open marriage, and A is the first woman that they have been able to integrate into their marriage smoothly.

It's interesting that you ask the reason for doing it - I asked them (GF & wife) once why, and the wife's answer was more along the lines of 'Why not?' - she enjoys having another adult member of the family, and they aren't in a monogamous marriage - never planned on being in one - and their relationship works, for them. That's about as far into their inner workings as I've gone - I don't know how they divvy up the coloring, and I'm not sure I want to. I think W is bisexual, I know A is - but I don't know if they are coloring with each other, either - though, it would surprise me if they were not - they've got a certain energy.

My observations? Wife & GF were friends before the relationship with H came into the picture - so that helped things, a lot - she wasn't a 'stranger' so to speak. I don't know who initiated - I suspect H did, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if W approached A.

Their little girl (H&W's) loves A, and considers her a second mother. A isn't interested in children at this time (she's still in school), but she enjoys taking care of R (the daughter) when she can - and H&W love having someone they can totally trust to be with their daughter in their house.

The community (pagan) doesn't care, as long as everyone is being ethical - ie, being poly is okay, cheating is not. I don't think that they live together, but they spend a LOT of time together - W&A on their own, H&W on their own, H&A and HW&A......

Thanks for sharing this...I wonder about the children in situations like these. Will they grow up automatically having this instilled in them that this is how the world really operates everywhere?

 

[JustKiya]

Thanks for sharing this...I wonder about the children in situations like these. Will they grow up automatically having this instilled in them that this is how the world really operates everywhere?

Doubtful. At least no more than children of single/divorced parents think that everyone only has one parent, or that children of gay people think that everyone has two mothers/two fathers, or that orphans think that no-one has parents, at all.

Will they grow up with the awareness that a 'one mom, one dad' family is not the only way a healthy family can work? Hopefully.

 

[aribell]

I think that the patriarchy of the world historically, save those particular communities here and there, would make polygamy very difficult. I remember Oprah having a polygamist family on her show (I don't think this was the LDS compound), and the women were saying, "Oh, you just learn to get beyond jealousy." And Oprah and the women in the audience were trying to be polite, but the looks on everyone's faces were like,

But I'd be interested to hear more from the children and former children of polygamist families not tied to relgion or marrying girls off early.