Spinoff: Relaxed moms with natural kids?

[TropicalRose]

i see it as a conflict of interest. i would want to lead by example. then again, i dont have children so it may not actually matter. if you instill those principals on a child and they fully respect them, then maybe its ok

 

[lydc]

The other thread got me thinking. Is it possible to instill pride and love for natural hair in your children if your own hair is relaxed?

I want to hear from everyone, especially those in the situation. I'm concerned about this. I love my hair, and for me it's a style choice, but I know the day will come when my daughter asks why our hair is different. Do kids have the capacity to understand about style choices, or do you think they will just be confused?

What are your thoughts?

Yes, I believe so. My mother never wore her hair natural when my sis and I were kids but she made sure to instill in us that our hair was pretty and never fussed when doing it (actually my fondest memories are of my mom doing my hair). It was also different back in the day most black girls wore their hair natural and the ones who didn't had some f'd up hair. If at a younger age your daughter wants hair like mommy you can always do a twist/braid out.

 

[karezone]

My mom is relaxed and my 9yo sister is natural. My mom has already explained the difference btwn relaxed hair and her hair and the amount of time and care it needs.

But sister has some idea she had a relaxer when she was about 5 but we decided to grow it out b/c she hated getting it done.

 

[Super_Hero_Girl]

Kids learn by example. No matter how great you tell them their natural hair is, if you are putting chemicals in yours to make it straight, they will see this as beauty and want it too.

 

[B_Phlyy]

I think it's possible. I see relaxed hair as a style choice, not a declaration of love for unnatural hair. My mom was relaxed all through my childhood and she would sometimes make comments about my "coarse, dry hair" and slapped on a relaxer when I was 9, I've always loved my natural hair.

 

[yourleoqueen]

Lock yourself in the bathroom at touchup time so that she NEVER sees you applying the crack to your head. All the while continuing to praise her natural coils. Therefore she will think that IS your natural hair texture until she is old enough to understand that you straighten your hair because you WANT to not because you have to.

Can a white woman with naturally straight hair instill curly/coily pride in her bi-racial daughter? Can a black woman with a half white or asian daughter be able to instill pride in them about their hair? No, seriously.

ETA: My mom and grandmother were both naturals who pressed on occasion. I hated getting my hair pressed and would procrastinate til threat of beat down. I didn't get my first relaxer til I was around 15,16-ish. I was relaxed a few years, then natural a few years. I am currently back on the creamy crack, and will be for the next few years, then I may go natural again. That's the beauty of hair.

 

[SerenityBreeze]

My daughter is eight and I have taught her to appreciate her natural hair. I explained to her that she is so lucky to have the *option* to wear her hair natural and *when she wants to* she can have it straight with flat irons, etc. I also add in that I wish I had that option and for me to do it I would have to shave my head bald and start all over again -- She laughs.

When ever she has that craving for hair down her back, I bust out the good ole Maxiglide. She goes to school, proves that her is really mid back. And she is good till the next occassion.

I explained to her how many women have no idea what their natural hair looks like because thier parents decided to put a relaxer on their hair right away and how she will appreciate it when she is older and if at that point she chooses to relax her hair she can.

It also helps that I point out models with natural hair so she has something to relate to & also the hundreds of women now transitioning to get natural hair *like hers*

I agree that it is a challenge, but based on my experience a full blown explination should do the trick.

I emphasize certain phrases in * because these are things that they like to hear.

Good Thread

 

[rocky]

Great post. I don't think that mother's can only lead by example. I think there are so many factors at play. My mom and her sister's were relaxed but they all doted on my thick and healthy natural hair. Unfortunately, my dad's mom had other ideas and permed me on a visit as a preteen. I was taught that my hair was special because I could braid it into different styles, or get it pressed when I wanted to "swing it like a WG".
-Caveat-it's just a phrase, please don't read any self-hate into the statement.

As an adult, I have inspired my younger sisters and cousins, to braid and go natural. Currently, I'm relaxed but I braid, braidout, twist, twistout, bun and DB(when I want to swing it like a WG)
What I am modeling for my DD is that the blessing of healthy black
hair is VERSALITY.

When I am doing her hair, I try to make it a praise time. She is also affirmed by my DH(who raves about how gorgeous her fresh braids are).

One other interesting thing I've noticed is that non blacks are always complementing her hair and admire how she is able to rock different styles from week to week.

 

[mightycute912]

I am relaxed and have been since I was 5 . My mother started relaxing my hair when I started kindergarten. My daughter is about a 3c. The best way to describe it is wavy. It isn't curly, but it is very soft, but frizzes as soon as humidity or anything hits it. She can wear these natural afro puff pony tails. I would never process her hair, because she doesn't need it. I just want to maintain the integrity of her hair. My mom didn't give me a choice with relaxing, so hopefully she'll respect the fact that she doesn't need to relax. A good blowdry and flat iron gets her hair bone straight. SO, I'm gonna leave it as is.

 

[ThickHair]

I answered no. I say lead by example. That way you won't have to do the double talk. "Love your hair, but I prefer a relaxer".

 

[kombov_dymond]

I'm going through this now. She wanted straight hair, but not necessarily because I had straight hair. All the little girls at school have relaxers.

I told her that:

1) Chemicals from relaxers burn worst than fire and she can't take much of a comb.
2) They can make all of your hair fall out
3) She can always get her hair pressed
4) She loves her puffs, and those relaxed girls at school can't wear one.

 

[Royal Glory]

Sure. If we avoid negative language when caring for our children's natural hair and go even further by using affirmative language. When the time comes that they want to know why the textures are different, just explain that it is style choice and perhaps an ease-of-maintenance issue. Also if you are considering relaxing your child's natural hair because it will be easier for you to manage, it might be a good idea to involve the child in the decision, since it is a "permanent" one.

I think we just have to remember that we are all beautiful, powerful, intelligent women and we are blessed to have options of a variety of textures in our hair.

 

[Sha76]

Well, I think you can. It is sort of liek the weight issues that children pick up from their parents. YOu can diet, but don't complain about weight and calories and such in front of them. Make dieting to get healthier.

YOu would need to do the same concerning hair around children. Don't complain about NG and how thick and coarse it is, but instill how much more important it is that it is healthy hair. I personally would not let my daughter get a relaxer until she is in the 9 th grade and she knows how to care for her natural hair. ( I think this is very important- I beleive if you don't know how to car for your hair in the natural state, it would be extremely hard to care for it after it is altered)

 

[toniy]

I think that peer pressure is a big part of why some moms end up perming their daughter's hair. I have thin 1b hair that was a very nice length when I was younger. My mom pressed my hair until I was about 13. When I turned 13, I made such a fuss about getting my hair pressed, that she gave up and I got my first perm. The fuss was mostly because I would see the other girls wearing pretty styles and they did not have an afro everytime it rained. In South Carolina, the rain and humidity are a "pressed girls" nightmare.

Fast forward, my daughter is now 13 she has very thick shoulder lenghth 4a/b hair. At 10, I did the unthinkable and permed her hair. She wanted the same thing I wanted from my mother, to be like the other girls and have more manageability.

With this being said, i now know more than I did but I cant changed the past. What I make sure i do is my best to make sure that my daughter understands that her hair is "Beautiful" even if it is pressed, permed or puffy...

 

[SouthernGirl]

Hey Lauren

Great thread! When my baby is old enough I don't plan on relaxing her hair. I don't think it will be difficult to explain the differences between our hair. I think it's important to help her to gain an appreciation for her own beauty that is unique, while knowing that just because people are different, their individual beauty should be appreciated as well

SG

 

[frankie]

I voted yes because the thing is what the parent does is not an open door for the child to do. Children need to learn there place like back when I was a child. There are alot of things parents do that children can't, now when they get old enough to make those decisions then fine. I just don't see what's the difference in raising a boy w/natural hair and a girl, I'm sure parents don't go around slapping relaxers in their son's hair. To me it's no difference. I'm sure while mothers are buying their grown up lingerie, or underclothes they won't be making the same purchases for their young daughters, atleast I hope not.

ITA!!!

My mom had a jherri curl...but I never wanted one...I was a kid and knew that it wasn't for me. I had cornrows with/without beads, ponytails, and my hair was pressed for special occasions.

I begged my mom for a relaxer at 12, she resisted at first, but gave in eventually.

 

[Gold1800]

Hi, another newbie chiming in. I'm voting yes. I'm relaxed with two sons - one with braids one inch above shoulder length and another with locs. Once old enough, children tend to define their own hair identity.

 

[BostonMaria]

Its funny that this thread was brought back from hibernation. Especially since Southernbella is now natural herself.

Just to chime in, my 2 DD's (10 and 19) have natural hair and always did. I took care of their hair when I was relaxed, still take care of it now that I'm natural. I've always been anti-relaxer (no I'm not militant, just not for me or my hair) so they always heard me complain about my own hair so this wasn't something they'd ask for. Plus they have loose curls so they don't need it anyway. The only set-back the oldest DD has after she moved out is that she is lazy and doesn't like to take care of her hair. Her classic length turned into a permanent APL due to her shenanigans. I now do rollersets on her hair once a week and deep condition as well.

 

[lalla]

I don't know, my mother's hair was always straight, but thin and unhealthy.

She relaxed my hair when I was 12, and I transitioned back to natural hair at 17, when I went to college.

My little sister insisted on getting a perm at 9 ( I am 10 years older than she is), and after spending the holidays with me, she has developed a liking for natural hair ( n particular afros, braid outs ...) and is transitioning at the moment. I didn't make her do it, I tried to help her take care of her hair by deep conditioning and moisturizing regularly...).

I just do not know, quite a lot of her black friends are relaxed, the rest are European, Arab and Asian.

 

[~NanCeBoTwin~]

I voted yes on this subject. I am relaxed and my dd is natural. She has said that she wants a relaxer so her hair can be straight like mine. However, each times she says that I always point out a few points, her natural hair is beautiful, that I have to get the relaxer often through the year and alot of care has to go into maintaining a relaxed head and as long as I foot the bill she'll keep her hair natural. LOL

She's also seen pictures of my hair pre-relaxed as a child and will ask why it isn't long like that anymore, since it was pretty much identical to hers. I explained to her that, that is indeed what I meant by alot of care has to go into it, it will break off and get damaged alot easier.

But now that I've been experimenting with different styles i.e braid outs and wash and gos, she LOVES her natural hair and has told me that she no longer desires a relaxer and if she does want it straight we can just blow dry it.

You can take a look at my fotki but I think I have taken very good care of her natural hair even though I'm relaxed.

 

[ajoyfuljoy]

I love the fact that Lauren is now natural herself. It's always interesting when old threads are brought back to life so you can see where you stand years down the road.

I am nowhere near close to being preggers but I want to be a mommy and I think about this a lot.

My mother was relaxed and I was natural until the age of 7. She pressed it on occasion. I never desired relaxers, she just put one in b/c she was tired of combing my hair

I actually wanted to go natural as a teen but she talked me out of it. Before she passed, we were discussing hair. She ended up going natural and her views had changed. She said one day I would appreciate how thick my hair was (that is my main reason for relaxing). I believe her.

But my relaxed hair was still very healthy b/c my mom was a trained cosmotologist. She was great with hair.

I do not want my kids to relax and I would love to lead by example. This would probably be a strong motivator for me to go natural.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Great post! I haven't relaxed in a year but I do flat iron every week. When I handle my daughters hair I always tell her how beautiful it is and how pretty she looks. I take pride in it because I want her to do the same. I will be glad when my hair is longer because then I wont have a need to flatiron so much. Then my daughter and I can really be on the same wavelength when it comes to our hair textures. She's only 3 now so I have a few years..lol.

By the way when I first started coming here one of the first things I noticed was your daughters picture. She looks very similar to my 3 1/2 year old. Even the hair texture and the cowlicks around the hairline. She's very cute

My gosh, it's been about 3 years since I responded to the original thread (see above).

I am now texlaxed as of September 08. My hair is still quite textured/nappy which i'm happy about. I don't believe you can see much of a difference between my hair and my daughters natural hair. I do twistouts and wash n go's on a very regular basis partly so that my dd (who is now 6 1/2) can see that our hair is beautiful in it's natural state.

Time sure does fly. I'm even considering letting go of the texlaxing since again there isn't that great a difference. Still deciding...

 

[MekyakaKinkerbelle]

Interesting thread (old as it is). Personally, I think that you can instill pride in your daughter without being natural yourself.

Yes, I am natural now. But there may come a day (especially if MK's hair is as thick as mine) that I may not have time to contribute to doing both heads of hair. I may have to strongly consider relaxing or texturizing my own hair, as I wouldn't let a chemical come close to hers any time soon. I would let her know that I sacrificed my own hair to keep hers glorious (if it ever came to that), and show her pics from all the beautiful natural fotkis

 

[nmomma]

Great Post!!!!!

I absolutely think you can. I have a son who has dreads and my hair is relaxed. I think it's all about preference. It's not that people who relax don't love their natural hair, it's just what they like. Some people like the color pink, I happen to like the color green. It's as simple as that. I think sometimes as adults we tend to over analyze things when it comes to explaining things to our kids. Sometimes the simpliest answer is the best one. If you have pride in yourself and respect others, you could be bald and your kid will still learn to love himself and be proud of who he is.

 

[carib_n_curly]

yup my mommy was relaxed until 1 year or so ago.
i am a life long natural and she always made me love and hair and never see the fuss over relaxers. she let me make my choice over how i had my hair.
everyone in my family was relaxed but because of my mother telling me everytime she combed my hair how lush,thick and pretty it was. even when she use to say how hard my hair was when she finished combing it she told how great it was.

 

[bellecheveux]

My mother, who says she's never go natural, refuses to relax my 11 y/o sister's hair. I'm glad she made that decision because my sister's hair is beautiful.

My mother did texturize my sister's hair about two years ago, but I trimmed off the texturized ends a while back.