Spinoff: Relaxed moms with natural kids?

[Southernbella.]

The other thread got me thinking. Is it possible to instill pride and love for natural hair in your children if your own hair is relaxed?

I want to hear from everyone, especially those in the situation. I'm concerned about this. I love my hair, and for me it's a style choice, but I know the day will come when my daughter asks why our hair is different. Do kids have the capacity to understand about style choices, or do you think they will just be confused?

What are your thoughts?

 

[so1913]

That's a good question. You know there's those phases where daughters want to be just like Mommy.

I guess then it would be one of those "do as I say, not as I do" situations. Not sure how I feel about those, lol.

Can't wait to hear other responses.

 

[Nita81]

Interesting question. Right now I haven't had a perm/text in over 2 months and I'm thinking of transitioning. I wish my mother didn't perm my hair. My daughter is 7 and she's a natural 3b/3c. I'm not going to perm her hair and hopefully she won't want to.

 

[KathyMay]

I voted yes because I am teaching my baby girl and her brother to love their hair regardless of what texture it is and that we are all beautiful no matter what you do to your hair. I know I am going to slowly transition my hair to natural when the kids get older maybe within the next two years so my daughter can have a great role model that has natural hair.

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

I think it possible to instill the values and thoughts in your child. However the question is will they believe it???? I feel like you can talk a child's ear off on what you (the parent) feels but will they listen and truly believe without out a doubt with what you are saying especially if you are doing the opposite. If mommy is pretty and she has this then I have to look like this to be pretty like mommy. This kind of thinking is happening everyday with all ages because of what the media "SHOWS" us is pretty.

Some people need to see things in order to believe it.

So to answer the question yes it is possible to instil pride and love for natural hair but this will have to be CONSTANTLY reafffirmed in order for the child to believe it sepecially if mommy and everyone at school is doing the opposite.

 

[Southernbella.]

Good answers so far.

I'm so torn on this issue. erplexed

 

[KathyMay]

Good answers so far.

I'm so torn on this issue. erplexed

yes this is a good thread. I know what you mean about how can I have a relaxer and baby girl has natural hair sooner or later she would want to do to her hair like me. She is already using the products that I use so she will probably follow what I am doing. When I do relax my hair, I make sure that she is out of the house now is that taking it too far. I am not ashamed of my relaxed hair I just don't want hair to relax her hair when she gets older.

 

[ayoung]

I think it is possible but I do agree that they will need the constant affirmation that they and their hair are normal, beautiful, and just as good as anyone's. Just as if they are natural--you may one day have to have the conversation that their 4b hair is just as good as someone's natural 3b hair etc..both are beautiful.

My DD is 2 and she wears twists and pony puffs and she likes her hair. She tugs on her coily twists and looks in the mirror and says she is beautiful etc..
I always affirm her on her inside and outside beauty and try not to foucus a lot on hair, hair, hair w/ her. (cuz I have my own hair issues from growing up)

I think I am going to basically handle this situation like my godmom. Her girls were natural when she wasn't and wore twists. She ended up going natural as well. Even though her girls new all about how beautiful their hair was--when they reached 8th grade--they wanted to get it pressed and then in 9th they wanted relaxers.

She decided to let them make the choice---and that is what I am going to do. I don't want to force a preference on hair or anything on DD--relaxed or natural.

*But no relaxers until around 9th grade if she decides she wants one.* She has seen me natural from her birth and is now seeing me relaxed--and will see me natural again in her life---but I am really trying to instill in her that her beauty has soooo many deminsions and facets that she won't put a lot of weight on any one aspect of her physical appearance and have 'hair hangups' like her mommy.

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

*But no relaxers until around 9th grade if she decides she wants one.* She has seen me natural from her birth and is now seeing me relaxed--and will see me natural again in her life---but I am really trying to instill in her that her beauty has soooo many deminsions and facets that see won't put a lot of weight on any one aspect of her physical appearance. *trying*

I agree I think high school is a good time for them to get their hair relaxed if they chose to.

I also think that seeing other girls in the same age groups helps with the pressures a little bit. Because even if mommy is natural but presses her hair then the daughter will want to press her hair. Me personally I don't think really young girls should be using too much heat. Anyway natural or relaxed their will always be issues.

 

[Mom23]

My hair is relaxed and my 5 year old daughter is natural. For Easter yesterday I let her wear her hair "down" in a braidout with a headband. She loved it!! I wear braidouts too as well as rollersets and I feel like you Lauren it is a style choice. I am trying to learn as much as I can now from the Natural ladies so that I am armed with the information I need as she gets older.

I am not going to relax her hair, as some other posters have said, when she reaches High School, if she wants one I will let her. Right now, I wash and condition her hair once per week and she wears it in braids and two strand twists, as well as ponytails on occasion.

I like my hair relaxed and don't think I will ever transition, but my mom let me make the choice when I was 16 and I chose a relaxer. I want her to have the option as well.

 

[legaldiva]

Hi, newbie chiming in ...

I think it's possible, but in all honesty how she feels about herself is so beyond you in many ways. You can teach her to 'love herself' and her hair, skin, body, etc. But, what about when that first kid calls her 'nappy' [insert~ fat, skinny, ugly, flat chested, anything] on the playground? What about when that first boy she has a crush on prefers the chick with long, relaxed hair? What about all the other adults, and the videos & magazines that constantly reinforce what's hot {Beyonce} and what's not {India Arie}?

I'm not saying it can't be done ... I'm just saying that these values are so much more complex than what you can teach her at home.

Beautiful hair, btw!

ETA ~ And I think that holds true whether you're a relaxed mom or a natural mom ...

 

[beyondcute]

I voted I dont know. How can you show someone how to be prideful of somehting that you continue to change. Like "baby your skin is beautiful" all the whiel youre slathering on skin bleaching cream.... Practice what you preach otherwise youre looking like a hypocrite...... BUT I still dont know. But as of right now those are my feelings.

Afterthought: My mother showed me what was beautiful. She was. I wanted to be JUST LIKE HER! I wanted my nails done liek her and I wanted my hair like hers. What child doesnt want to be liek their mother? And how could she tell me that my kinky head wa pretty as her straight hair? I idolozed her and she was my ultimate role model.

 

[simplycee]

My daughter is 10 and she is a 4a natural. The only thing she hates abut her natural hair is detangling after washing. She wears braidouts alot. Every now and then I straighten her hair with the maxiglide. She has asked a couple times when she would be old enough for a relaxer. But she loves her coils and curls. I dread when she gets to the point when she starts doing her own hair.

 

[Cheleigh]

It's a great question, and I really don't have an answer. It's not only a mom-daughter issue, right? What message(s) do we send to our sons?

There's no easy solution or answer. I can't imagine that a relaxed mom can't give her childen encouragement to be/stay natural or to appreciate natural hair. The smoker who reaffirms with their child the dangers of smoking? The mom with the boob job affirming to her daughter the unimportance of large breasts? Not simple, methinks.

I do think that what kids see goes a longer way than hearing the words. I hope that my natural hair and just the general comfort I have with my body as is will reaffirm what I'm telling my kids. But still, there are so many other influences than just me.

 

[princesmich]

this is exactly why i had gone natural for aprox 2 years after my daughter was born, i wanted to show her th at it's ok to love the hair God gave you. but after i got a chemical in my hair by accident i went back to relaxers, but i can still be an inspiration to my daughter.

 

[testimony777]

I am sure that there are mothers who would be able to pull this off, especially if the child was exposed to other close female relatives who were natural. I voted no however, because I think the do as I say not as I do thing seldom works.

Everything in popular culture says that straight silkily hair is the standard of beauty. I do not know a Black woman, relaxed or natural, that has not at some point in time bought into that myth no matter how much we come to love and accept our hair. So it is very likely that little girls will get to the point where they want what it seems all their friends have and what the videos, sitcoms, movies and commercials say is beautiful. How do answer that child if you yourself have what she wants.

My mother was natural as were all of the women I was around on a regular basis so when I started asking for a relaxer my mom could say with authority that my hair was beautiful and that I should not change it because of what my friends were doing. I know that if my mother had had relaxed hair I would have been hard pressed to believer her claims about my beautiful hair. I don't know if I would have believed at age thirteen that my mom's relaxed hair was nothing more than a style choice and even if I had, I surly would not have understood why I wasn't allowed to make the same style choice.

 

[bettytoo]

I don't think you can,in still pride if you doing the opposite.Of what your telling your child to do. Its that one rule for me another one for you.

But I know where your coming from. but what will you say if your child ask why your hair's not like theirs.You can say its a style choice but i think that's a cop out.To many sister wont admit they like straight hair no matter what.

If its a style choice you would get the good older hot comb out.Not but dangerous chemically on your head for the sake of straighter hair.If i were you ,be honest .and tell your daughter she's beautiful full stop.Don't home in on natural hair being beautiful because you don't have it.You must practice what you preach.This is not to be rude but its true. Tell her you struggle with your hair .And thinking your kinky hairs beautiful .Then she respect you for being honest.She make her own decisions when she's old enough.I went natural when i was 14 and didn't care what people thought it was best for me.

Why not put beautiful pictures of black women or man with natural hair ,up in your house so she can see people that look like her. And it will boost her self esteem.And your own.Its helps me a lot.I feel beautiful when i see people who look like me.With hair like me.I wish you luck with your quests for spirtual grow.This life ain't easy for a black women.best of luck with your daughter.xxxxx bettytoo

p.s I'm not looking forward to trying to teach my kids natural hair beauty when its hard for me and I've been natural for all of my adult life expect for ten months when i was 23 .Good luck soul sister. You ain't in this struggle alone.peace I'm out.xxx

 

[nurseN98]

I think this would be hard to do IMO. If you have relaxed hair then your daughter sees that you feel the need to have it straightened for it to be dealt with. If she doesn't see you dealing with your natural hair then it may be hard for her to imagine herself dealing with natural hair. Also she may see getting a relaxer as a sign of womanhood. I know when I was that age that's how I saw it.

Now if you have a child in a community where they will see both relaxed and natural heads, and they won't feel pressure to conform then maybe you can instill that idea in them.

 

[tropicexotic]

I guess it's possible, I think you can expect alot of questions from her about your own choices. I was natural till I was 12, my mom would faint if anyone put heat in my hair...she washed it herself and did everything herself. I just remember loving her hair (she was relaxed); I loved how thick it was, how black it was...and always wanted to play with it. I know someone else who grew up in a house full of natural hair (everyone was natural in her family) and it was always something to have pride in...she got a relaxer when she was in highschool for like 2 years because she thought she'd fit in better (and surprise she actually did, kids can be cruel), but she had always thought positively about natural hair because of what she saw at home etc. I think it's harder to instill that in your child if you aren't modelling it, but I don't think that it's impossible.

 

[Tanji]

I have relaxed hair and have a five year old daughter who of course is natural. She loves to play in my hair and often asks me to make hers big like mine. Sometimes I tried to give her different styles to make her happy like twisted ponytails, etc. and use pretty bands. I would like to take some of the tips that I have learned from this website to keep her hair nice and healthy the way it is. I feel that I know so much more about hair than my own mother did. I had thick hair as a child and remember my mother not wanting to deal with it. My daughter has a soft texture so I'm hope that she won't relax too early and will do wash and flat iron styles for a long time.

 

[Southernbella.]

Really good points, ladies.

I do plan to go natural eventually, but can't say for sure when I am going to. Some people have mentioned telling kids the truth. The truth, for me, is that I believe natural hair is beautiful and relaxed hair can be beautiful. I personally relax because it's easy for me to maintain and I like wearing my hair straight. I consider that style choice, but she may not understand that.

My plan is this: I will tell her that I didn't have a choice not to get one (got my first one really early on). I will explain to her that she doesn't need one, and that if she wants to wear her hair straight, we can straighten it temporarily (Maxiglide, when she's old enough), but that there is no need to change her hair permanently. I think it would help her to know that she has an advantage, in that she can go from kinky to curly to straight and back.

That's all I got right now. My official answer to the poll is I don't know, because I really don't. If it came down to it, I'd be willing to go natural if it helped her feel better about being natural herself.

 

[caligirl]

If she doesn't see you dealing with your natural hair then it may be hard for her to imagine herself dealing with natural hair. Also she may see getting a relaxer as a sign of womanhood.

That's funny you say that. I remember being a little girl and thinking about how I would do my hair when I "got big." I thought of course I would get a jherri curl (because that is what my mom was wearing at the time, lol).

 

[Southernbella.]

She decided to let them make the choice---and that is what I am going to do. I don't want to force a preference on hair or anything on DD--relaxed or natural.

See, and I was thinking that I was going to forbid her from getting a relaxer for as long as I was able. Maybe that's not the right thing either.

You can say its a style choice but i think that's a cop out.To many sister wont admit they like straight hair no matter what.

Well, I fully admit that I like wearing my hair straight most of the time. For me, relaxers allow me to wear the styles that I like without having to worry about humidity. I personally don't think most natural styles would look good on me, but I like them on other people.

If you have relaxed hair then your daughter sees that you feel the need to have it straightened for it to be dealt with. If she doesn't see you dealing with your natural hair then it may be hard for her to imagine herself dealing with natural hair.

True. And the truth is, I'm learning as I go with her. I still don't know how to braid or cornrow, so I don't know what I'm going to do once when her hair gets longer.

Everything in popular culture says that straight silkily hair is the standard of beauty. I do not know a Black woman, relaxed or natural, that has not at some point in time bought into that myth no matter how much we come to love and accept our hair. So it is very likely that little girls will get to the point where they want what it seems all their friends have and what the videos, sitcoms, movies and commercials say is beautiful. How do answer that child if you yourself have what she wants.

This is also true. Is there a way to get her not to want it? I really feel that a person who isnt forced to get a relaxer as a child has it the best, because they will get to experience their natural hair and eventually decide one way or the other.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Great post! I haven't relaxed in a year but I do flat iron every week. When I handle my daughters hair I always tell her how beautiful it is and how pretty she looks. I take pride in it because I want her to do the same. I will be glad when my hair is longer because then I wont have a need to flatiron so much. Then my daughter and I can really be on the same wavelength when it comes to our hair textures. She's only 3 now so I have a few years..lol.

By the way when I first started coming here one of the first things I noticed was your daughters picture. She looks very similar to my 3 1/2 year old. Even the hair texture and the cowlicks around the hairline. She's very cute

 

[bettytoo]

lauren450 good on you for admitting you like straight hair .I like it to .Just not on me.
What you say about not having a choice.this is my point. I've hear some people say.They got their hair straighter when their were 11 months .That mad.Does no one care about the damage it does to your hair any more.

My mum God Bless was forever jacking up my hair. I got my first jerri curl when i was seven the it started breaking .then i was on a rollercoast for years.I cut it at 9 ,natural to 10.then jerri curl to 11 .then natural to 13.relaxer to 14.then cut it of at 14 .nine years of being natural.Then i fell of the wagon. and thought a relaxer was the answer to my prayers.Wrong .I just worn it curl all the time and plaited it.

Do you get the picture IT was a fruitness experiece that cause me more pain then good.When i was natural for the nine years.I wish i just got a hot comb instead of a relaxer. I lasted 10 months .Then grew it out. it won't hold a curl.I'm not geting another relaxer as long as i lived .it ruined my hair.

But i just wish the media stop promoting relaxers all the time And more sisters start wearing natural hair. Its would boost myself esteem.I want to see more people who look like me .not just my mum and auntie.
But saying that my mum's natural and has been for years.So I'm luck like that.much love bettytoo

if you want to see my play out perm click on the link.http://public.fotki.com/BETTYTOO

 

[~*~ShopAholic~*~]

I voted yes because the thing is what the parent does is not an open door for the child to do. Children need to learn there place like back when I was a child. There are alot of things parents do that children can't, now when they get old enough to make those decisions then fine. I just don't see what's the difference in raising a boy w/natural hair and a girl, I'm sure parents don't go around slapping relaxers in their son's hair. To me it's no difference. I'm sure while mothers are buying their grown up lingerie, or underclothes they won't be making the same purchases for their young daughters, atleast I hope not.

 

[Miss*Tress]

Don't understimate the power of the media. Growing up I wanted a BAA even though neither of my parents styled their hair that way. Think Angela Davis and the Jackson 5. Those were the days...

 

[1QTPie]

As long as you're honest about why you relax, then maybe. Tell her she's beautiful no matter what she chooses to do with the hair on her head.

Have you noticed that you rarely if ever see a natural mother (and father) with relaxed or texurized kids?? I often wonder if the kids have more confidence because of what they see and hear in their own home?

 

[hopeful]

Lauren,
I voted yes but I will just say that I think it will be harder for her to believe you because you are relaxed, the fact that your hair is so pretty and the fact that people are probably telling you how long and pretty your hair is (in front of her). But if you really do love natural hair, that is a stepping stone. When your new growth comes in I'd show it to her and talk about how pretty and coily it is. I'd say, see mommy's new growth is just like your hair. I'd tell her that I couldn't wait for the day to go natural like her again. Unfortunately, no matter how much you say you love natural hair, she will still get the silent message that you really do prefer relaxed hair over natural hair.

Just do your best Lauren, you are miles ahead of most relaxed mothers in your understanding of hair and your passion for natural hair. Who knows, maybe by the time she's old enough to ask for a relaxer, you will be natural. Also, like someone else said there are still so many other influences as well...Good luck!

 

[Southernbella.]

Lauren,
I voted yes but I will just say that I think it will be harder for her to believe you because you are relaxed, the fact that your hair is so pretty and the fact that people are probably telling you how long and pretty your hair is (in front of her). But if you really do love natural hair, that is a stepping stone. When your new growth comes in I'd show it to her and talk about how pretty and coily it is. I'd say, see mommy's new growth is just like your hair. I'd tell her that I couldn't wait for the day to go natural like her again. Unfortunately, no matter how much you say you love natural hair, she will still get the silent message that you really do prefer relaxed hair over natural hair.

Just do your best Lauren, you are miles ahead of most relaxed mothers in your understanding of hair and your passion for natural hair. Who knows, maybe by the time she's old enough to ask for a relaxer, you will be natural. Also, like someone else said there are still so many other influences as well...Good luck!

Thank you. That means a lot.