Spinny: Not being *too* available...

Glib Gurl

Glib Gurl

Well-Known Member
As a spin-off to this thread, the need to make myself less available is clear.

I'm wondering - what are some ways that you ladies make yourself less available (without being to heavy handed with it)?

I'm thinking missing a few calls.

Delayed responses to text messages.

"I already have plans," in response to certain invitations. (And, of course, actually HAVING other plans :lachen:)

Other thoughts?
 
This has always been a challenge for me as well, but now I just let it be. In my case, It's always been in my nature to be readily "available" to be people, whether it be a friend, family, co-worker, or the guy I'm dating. Because it's my personality, I never saw myself as being too easily available, but overtime, I learned that unfortunately, it translated to just that and it was presumed that I was just this doormat that was always readily there. I think it's unfortunate. While I did take some notes and understand where people were coming from in explaining this issue to me, I eventually stopped worrying about how to change it and rather focused more on extending this sort of behavior to those who appreciate it from me.

I hope you get some good advice Glib Gurl It's an interesting topic.
 
Everybody is playing these kind of games nowadays. If you ask me ,it's lame.
Just be yourself ,don't force yourself to appear something you re not . If he can't appreciate you for what you are there s no point in entertaining the "relationship ".
What works for me is spontaneity . If you re bubbly and funny be that ,if you re more serious and direct be that,if you want to text right away do it ,if you don't feel like it ,don't do it . Just don't play little Well known games ,it's just too obvious.
 
Kindheart I totally agree. With anything there has to be balance. Even though it may be by nature to be generally "available" to others, there's obviously a time and place for everything and I have to have balance with that. I agree with what you said regarding just be yourself and enjoy the satisfaction of someone accepting and appreciating you as is. If you have an area that needs tweaking, go ahead and work on it, but I don't like to see people have to change in order to accommodate the personality preference of others.
 
Ah Kindheart. I do agree on a personal level. If I had to do something to make a man more interested, I'm not interested lol.

If you want to do that I think the idea of actually having plans is a good one:lol:. As a single woman you have a lot of freedom. Make some plans with others and plans with yourself (pampering etc..).
 
Hmm... I guess I can see the point people are making. While its effective, I've had some situations where it felt like it just devolved into this weird cat and mouse game I had to play in order to maintain his interest. And you definitely don't want thing. Looking back, I would say the connection in those cases wasn't really genuine, just kinda artificial and that's why it was like that.

I still think it can play a role in relationships that are healthy when both people are emotionally available. Because at that point you shouldn't be ignoring texts or calls, but you don't want to be at someone's beck and call all the time. With my last SO, sometimes he would get into this moody little moods, I'd ask what's wrong why are you so quiet, and you know how guys get sometimes, he'd say "nothing", but he's clearly not behaving like himself. Out of habit I would do stuff to try coax him out of it, pay all this attention to him, and I would be successful like 50%-60. One day I kinda came to my senses and just started ignoring him when he got like that, not rudely, but you know, I just found things to do that were more interesting... I would walk past him sitting in the couch all forlorn and I don't even look at him, just go about my day. Won't even ask him if he's okay. Just do whatever I felt like, sometimes I would go bake something, or I'd say bye and leave and go shopping or something, clean out my car. Then he would come sniffing around the corner, what are you doing Jane? where are you? Did you want some help? :lol::rolleyes:
 
i dont agree, at all :lol:

i do think there is something to be said for not needing tricks if a man really wants you, but that whole transparency bit aint the move, personally :nono:
 
bunnycolvin said:
i dont agree, at all :lol:

i do think there is something to be said for not needing tricks if a man really wants you, but that whole transparency bit aint the move, personally :nono:
Click to expand...

I think that ultimately it depends on your personal experiences ,Spontaneity always worked for me ,I ve always been quite successful with it .
I think way too many people are playing the sort of games mentioned above and end up missing opportunities and be just another "avarage"wannabehardtocatch girl. I like to stand out.
 
Kindheart said:
I think that ultimately it depends on your personal experiences ,Spontaneity always worked for me ,I ve always been quite successful with it .
I think way too many people are playing the sort of games mentioned above and end up missing opportunities and be just another "avarage"wannabehardtocatch girl. I like to stand out.
Click to expand...

I think there's definitely something to developing your own personal brand of charm which I think is what you're getting at. But I also think people can make the mistake of being too available, which just leads to people being taken for granted. There is nothing wrong with letting someone miss you for a little bit.
 
also there is also the issue of the actual relationship. i feel like there is a focus here (this is not the only place where people place their attentions, but its definitely common here on this board) on mainly just getting the man. meeting him, attracting him, and getting him to commit. i dont see nearly as much discussion on having a good relationship after that. i dont know if its just because people have more trouble jumping the first hurdle but i have to believe if you have issues "finding" a man, you probably arent going to suddenly morph into an expert once youre actually in a relationship.

that being said, i think too much familiarity/availability is a recipe for trouble in the long run of the relationship. i would not want to get in the habit of being the compromising one early on and setting an example for the course of the relationship; particularly because in general i damn sure need to be the one getting my way in a relationship. i argue against availability, or, if you prefer, for game playing, just because my relationships are better that way. it doesnt really have anything at all to do with spontaneity for me, and i know that i am pretty charming with men, so... its just setting up expectations for future behavior. my charms arent in playing hard to get.
 
The trick I think is to have a happy, fulfilling life and to be able to enjoy your own company. Sometimes I don't answer my phone because I'm playing with my dogs, talking to my best friend, cooking, shopping, painting my nails, etc. Sometimes I'm watching a good movie, reading a book, journaling, or simply enjoying my own company so much I don't want to be bothered. You don't have to be at a luncheon in honor of Michelle Obama or studying for a final, although that could be the reason as well. The point is if you meet a new person you should not be free all of the time. That person should have to earn their way into your life by being kind and consistent, and prove they are worth taking up your time and space. So you shouldn't have to play games and you certainly shouldn't be sitting by your phone, hoping and praying some dude you just met will call. And no reason to lie, a simple oh I was busy when you called, and that's it because it's none of their business. He don't have to know you were taking a bubble bath and eating a cupcake when he called :look:.
 
So if you have a full time job and have other activities and responsibilities...this is all pretty much a moot point then? Am I right?
 
Mortons said:
So if you have a full time job and have other activities and responsibilities...this is all pretty much a moot point then? Am I right?
Click to expand...

Unless its the women that drop hobbies, appointments and friends the second a man calls.:lol: I've seen a fair few of them. My bff did this. Would even get her child up in the middle of the night to find a baby sitter if he called :rolleyes: She's married to him now, but he still expects her to drop things 24/7.

If you have plans already, keep em! Even if its a bit boring. He needs to fit into your free time.
 
Holla said:
If you already have a life of your own, you won't be too available anyway.
Click to expand...

Exactly. This is not something that you should 'try' to do.

With OP's particular situation, where a guy shows interest then starts giving mixed signals ... I wouldn't 'become' unavailable. I would just naturally not be inclined to reply his texts immediately. Like I actually couldn't be bothered. I'll reply later if I feel like it. Same with hanging out with him. I just would naturally feel less willing to give up my time to be around him.

All that to say, not all of us play games. It's just that if a guy is not a regular friend, not my man or is a guy that's not actively pursuing me ... I prize my time and would just not be as willing to give up my time, even if it's just replying a text. I'm not ignoring it per say, I actually just can't be bothered. But if it's a guy that I like who is actively pursuing me, I may be more willing to pick up the phone when he texts or give up some time to see him.
 
hopeful said:
The trick I think is to have a happy, fulfilling life and to be able to enjoy your own company. Sometimes I don't answer my phone because I'm playing with my dogs, talking to my best friend, cooking, shopping, painting my nails, etc. Sometimes I'm watching a good movie, reading a book, journaling, or simply enjoying my own company so much I don't want to be bothered. You don't have to be at a luncheon in honor of Michelle Obama or studying for a final, although that could be the reason as well. The point is if you meet a new person you should not be free all of the time. That person should have to earn their way into your life by being kind and consistent, and prove they are worth taking up your time and space. So you shouldn't have to play games and you certainly shouldn't be sitting by your phone, hoping and praying some dude you just met will call. And no reason to lie, a simple oh I was busy when you called, and that's it because it's none of their business. He don't have to know you were taking a bubble bath and eating a cupcake when he called :look:.
Click to expand...

I agree liking your own company is the major thing. Its not necessarily about keeping yourself busy, though that's perfectly fine. I think most of us should like our own company, if you don't you're probably not treating yourself well enough.
 
If the dude is respectful and reserving your time in advance then then there's no such thing as too available. If you enjoy each others company, then it's counter productive to dole out availability.

I think the whole game playing thing of showing him that you're not there for his beck and call comes into play when a dude feels you're available at his whim. I call them last minute dudes. This type needs to know it ain't going down like that.
 
I didn't read all the posts but If I have to go against what I naturally want to do for fear of being taken for granted then perhaps he or the situation is no longer right for me. I find it a bit manipulative. You can't make anyone desire you any more any less. They just DO.

Although one of my exes I didn't really love, I NEVER had to play games like this. I was available to him just as much as he was to me and he adores (present tense) me. And guess what? When we spoke about our relationship after the storm calmed down, he goes "yeah you were always around" (as in get yo' life!) lol. I would have never known he felt that way. But I also noticed it didn't make him love me any less either. Point being when someone is into you, you don't have much more to do other than be your pretty self. Some men require these games to remain interested. And once they get you, it's no longer fun and they move to the next game. Those types are a better fit for a woman who can naturally be nonchalant and is truly busy with her own life. Not me. When I zone in, I'm locked and loaded and forget it if we're intimate lol I suffer from attachmentitis.

My suggestion is as one poster mentioned to be with someone who gives you what you give them and more.
 
Fine 4s said:
Although one of my exes I didn't really love, I NEVER had to play games like this. I was available to him just as much as he was to me and he adores (present tense) me. And guess what? When we spoke about our relationship after the storm calmed down, he goes "yeah you were always around" (as in get yo' life!) lol. I would have never known he felt that way. But I also noticed it didn't make him love me any less either. Point being when someone is into you, you don't have much more to do other than be your pretty self. Some men require these games to remain interested. And once they get you, it's no longer fun and they move to the next game. Those types are a better fit for a woman who can naturally be nonchalant and is truly busy with her own life. Not me. When I zone in, I'm locked and loaded and forget it if we're intimate lol I suffer from attachmentitis.

My suggestion is as one poster mentioned to be with someone who gives you what you give them and more.
Click to expand...

This, to me, sounds ideal...

This has all been interesting feedback. Thanks everyone. I hate that I'm such a neophyte at dating, but I appreciate all the feedback and support.
 
I've been on both sides of the fence. As other people have mentioned, the trick is to have a life. There is no need to purposely respond to texts late just to look busy. Family is no different. I make time for who is important to me, this does not always require dropping what I have to do completely. Also, when dating grown men, there is less "hanging out on a whim". When they are interested, they simply make time for you and will plan in advance...especially if you are busy. Get a genuine hobby! Even if it's painting-your-toenails-night on Tuesday...and stick to it!
 
I agree with not being too available at the beginning of the relationship. Men are wired differently from women and therefore respond differently to different approaches.

If of course you don't want to take the hunted-huntee approach then it's fine.
 
@Glib Gurl

Honestly Glib, I think the BEST thing a woman can do is to just be living a FULL and active LIFE. :yep:

This idea of: "Oh I better make sure that I respond to his text messages 8.5 minutes AFTER he texts me, and then 6.2 hours the next time..." is for the birds imo. :rolleyes:

When you're living a full and active life, you will probably NATURALLY miss texts and phone calls. :yep:

But when you're sitting there waiting and HOPING that you appear to be "unavailable", I think that in the long run it can come off as playing games or even feel a bit disingenuous even to yourself. :perplexed

The best thing is to just maintain your same routine with your friends, family, etc. and don't drop everything at the moment you hear from him. Really think about things RATIONALLY. If he invites you to a date on Thursday evening, but you know that you have already had plans with your girlfriends that night, just tell him that Thursday doesn't work, but maybe Friday will. Or just ask to reschedule.

Also, if you're at work, and you're actually busy in the middle of something, just hold off from responding to him until you're free and have more time (whenever that may be).

Also, (here's a novel thought)....why not try putting your phone on SILENT or (*gasp*!) even on OFF for a change sometimes throughout the day?? I know that a lot of us are so used to keeping our phones ON 24/7 all day...all night...and we're always "ONLINE" or accessible in that way, but sometimes it's just a nice feeling to leave the phone off, leave it at HOME, turn the volume DOWN for a change. We DID use to exist for YEARS without cell phones! :lol: And guess what?? People were JUST fine! They had to WAIT to get in touch with you!

Sometimes I think we can be so caught up in instant gratification that it's just nice to "turn it off" at times. If he asks why you didn't respond back right away, just say that you keep your phone off or on silent during work hours or....sometimes you don't even have to explain anything at all!

I hope things work out for you Glib! :yep: Just remember....instead of pretending to be unavailable, actually GET busy! Take up a dance class, go to the gym after work, curl up with a good book in the evening, watch a movie at home, go out with friends, etc. It doesn't have to be anything MAJOR.... just make sure you actually DO have a life outside of him, because not only will it keep you grounded, but it will also help to calm you because then you won't be worrying about "looking" busy...you'll actually BE busy. Hearing from him will be a nice "surprise" instead of a waiting on pins and needles type of deal lol.

I know it can be hard when you REALLY like a guy lol , but the key is to just try to maintain YOUR same routine.

I also agree with @Fine 4s :yep: When a guy likes you, he just LIKES you!!! You don't want to be CLINGY, but honestly, whether you text him back in 2.5 seconds or 2.5 HOURS, it probably won't matter to the guy who's REALLY into you. I always say, you can't do the WRONG thing with the RIGHT guy (the guy who's REALLY into you), and you can't do the RIGHT thing with the WRONG guy (the guy who is just lukewarm or keeping you as a backburner). :yep:
 
Great advice in here. Call it game playing but I call it having clear boundaries. I don't think it's a bad idea to wait in between texts because let's be honest most women reply in seconds to a guy they're feeling. How is the guy going to know anyways?

Don't converse through texts and don't accept last minute dates. Like others have said, develop a life and it will happen naturally.
 
Holla said:
If you already have a life of your own, you won't be too available anyway.
Click to expand...

Sumra said:
...If you have plans already, keep em! Even if its a bit boring. He needs to fit into your free time.
Click to expand...
:yep::yep::yep::yep::yep: To me, arbitrarily ignoring texts, e-mails, phone calls, etc. sounds too much like playing games. Instead of ignoring him solely for the sake of proving a point, I think women should focus on not putting their lives on hold every time a new man enters into the picture. So, if he calls while you're at home surfing the internet or watching TV, by all means, answer the phone. When you're hanging out with friends/family or in the middle of a phone conversation, let his calls roll over to voice mail and answer his texts when you get a free moment.
 
Kindheart said:
Everybody is playing these kind of games nowadays. If you ask me ,it's lame.
Just be yourself ,don't force yourself to appear something you re not . If he can't appreciate you for what you are there s no point in entertaining the "relationship ".
What works for me is spontaneity . If you re bubbly and funny be that ,if you re more serious and direct be that,if you want to text right away do it ,if you don't feel like it ,don't do it . Just don't play little Well known games ,it's just too obvious.
Click to expand...

Agreed... I hate those silly games people play when dating. Just be yourself already!!
 
Glib Gurl said:
As a spin-off to this thread, the need to make myself less available is clear.

I'm wondering - what are some ways that you ladies make yourself less available (without being to heavy handed with it)?

I'm thinking missing a few calls.

Delayed responses to text messages.

"I already have plans," in response to certain invitations. (And, of course, actually HAVING other plans :lachen:)

Other thoughts?
Click to expand...


I love you glib. I really do. You can't be playing these childish games for a grown woman. Actually noone should be doing this. Men see right through all this game playing and quickly keep it moving. My FH and I played no games. He Liked me and I liked him. It was mutual. I wanted to call and talk and so I did and him vice versa.:grin: Women have far more respect in the dating world we you don't play all these games.
 
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