Spin Off: Would you WANT to stay after cheating?

[Suerte]

Spin off of PrettyHatian's thread.

If either you or your mate cheated...would you honestly want to stay in the relationship after such a breach of trust...or do you think "men cheat anyways...heck, I might cheat too...so it's whatever, we will get over it until it happens again".

Or do you honestly think that someone can cheat just once and then never again?

I don't know if I could get over it if someone cheated on me. And I am 99.9% sure that I'd never cheat on someone. All the cheating stars would have to be aligned and I'd have to be intoxicated and having an out of body experience for me to cheat.

This being said...I don't think that men are actually monogamous. I think that ALL men need something new *sometimes* That sometimes can be once a year, or once every 20 years. But I'd rather have such an open line of communication that my husband could come to me and tell me and we could satisfy his needs TOGETHER. I wouldn't do that with a boyfriend, but a husband...if it was part of our commitment, I would.

Do you think that you could truly get over cheating? I don't think I could, but I think that it would be easier to let go of a guy just sleeping with some random chick that didn't even know his real name vs. someone who was sleeping with a co-worker for 6 months behind my back.

 

[dlewis]

I don't believe I could stay in a relationship like that. I would NOT want to stay.

 

[ONAMSHN]

Not at all!!!

 

[gone_fishing]

Well if it's true that ALL men cheat whether once a month or once in 20 years then I am doomed to be alone because the moment I find out he's cheated he is history.

I believe that there are men who do not cheat. Men would like us to believe they all cheat that way we never expect anything different from them. How can we get upset with them for something we think they cannot help.

I refuse to subscribe to that malarky. Innately we are all made up of the same chemical compounds and we both have fully functional brains and unlike other animals we have the ability to be logical and make logical decisions. Therefore, if I can keep my legs closed then he can keep his pants zipped and if for some reason "he can't help it"...he can go "not help it" at HER house and not mine.

 

[gone_fishing]

bumpity bump

 

[gone_fishing]

One more thing and OP I don't want to offend you but I think you are doing yourself a very big disservice by nurturing this line of thought.
I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You have already thrown up your white flag and accepted a defeated mindset.

You have already convinced yourself that you are not going to be able to find a man who loves you and no one else. That means you are selling yourself short and if your husband for whatever reason is weak-minded when it comes to the female anatomy and he happens to stumble upon the fact that you think this way, he's going to use this against you whether intentionally or not.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and you alone. No one will treat you right or well until you have standards for how you demand to be treated. Most people will get away with just as much as they can so the more room you give them to run over you the more room they will take.

 

[Suerte]

One more thing and OP I don't want to offend you but I think you are doing yourself a very big disservice by nurturing this line of thought.
I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You have already thrown up your white flag and accepted a defeated mindset.

You have already convinced yourself that you are not going to be able to find a man who loves you and no one else. That means you are selling yourself short and if your husband for whatever reason is weak-minded when it comes to the female anatomy and he happens to stumble upon the fact that you think this way, he's going to use this against you whether intentionally or not.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and you alone. No one will treat you right or well until you have standards for how you demand to be treated. Most people will get away with just as much as they can so the more room you give them to run over you the more room they will take.

I don't equate cheating vs not cheating with love.

*bump for more responses*

 

[HollyGolightly1982]

Nope. We are done with if he cheats. I would have no trust or respect for him.

 

[gone_fishing]

I don't equate cheating vs not cheating with love.

*bump for more responses*

Do you equate it with respect?

I still equate it with love. Sadly, to me the "love" people claim to have for each other today runs far too shallow and is way too superficial. Too many times people proclaim love only to abandon ship at the first sign of hardship or perhaps a hard dick (goes both ways).

My belief is that if you are married, you love your spouse the way you love yourself. A love any more shallow than that is meaningless and deserves a term different than love. AND with true love for someone comes respect for their well-bing emotionally, physically and mentally. Obviously when you cheat you are not taking their well being to heart since all three of those things (emotions, physical and mental facilities) are affected by a cheating spouse.

Personally, I don't have to think about "if" I'll cheat. I know I won't. I don't need anyone telling me that it could happen and it just depends on the situation. That is all a farse to me. There is no way I would sleep with another man unless he raped me obviously against my will.

So in short if a man loves, respects and adores his wife the way he does himself then he would have no desire to stick his penis in some whore down the street.

 

[LeopardLover77]

One more thing and OP I don't want to offend you but I think you are doing yourself a very big disservice by nurturing this line of thought.
I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You have already thrown up your white flag and accepted a defeated mindset.

You have already convinced yourself that you are not going to be able to find a man who loves you and no one else. That means you are selling yourself short and if your husband for whatever reason is weak-minded when it comes to the female anatomy and he happens to stumble upon the fact that you think this way, he's going to use this against you whether intentionally or not.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and you alone. No one will treat you right or well until you have standards for how you demand to be treated. Most people will get away with just as much as they can so the more room you give them to run over you the more room they will take.

I totally agree with you. You're so right. I'm glad you said this, this is what I needed to hear.

 

[Suerte]

Do you equate it with respect?

I still equate it with love. Sadly, to me the "love" people claim to have for each other today runs far too shallow and is way too superficial. Too many times people proclaim love only to abandon ship at the first sign of hardship or perhaps a hard dick (goes both ways).

My belief is that if you are married, you love your spouse the way you love yourself. A love any more shallow than that is meaningless and deserves a term different than love. AND with true love for someone comes respect for their well-bing emotionally, physically and mentally. Obviously when you cheat you are not taking their well being to heart since all three of those things (emotions, physical and mental facilities) are affected by a cheating spouse.

Personally, I don't have to think about "if" I'll cheat. I know I won't. I don't need anyone telling me that it could happen and it just depends on the situation. That is all a farse to me. There is no way I would sleep with another man unless he raped me obviously against my will.

So in short if a man loves, respects and adores his wife the way he does himself then he would have no desire to stick his penis in some whore down the street.

I definately equate it with respect. Love alone doesn't conquer all, though...and I think ppl can be unrealistic thinking that love alone is gonna get them through a lifetime with someone.

I don't think that all women besides me are whores...that's a lil... harsh. I'm hoping you were using that word in the context of a woman who is being paid by a husband to cheat on his wife with him.

Love doesn't automatically come with respect. Like doesn't automatically come with respect.

Basically... the whole human relationship dynamic is a big ol' grey area.

For me... emotional infidelity would be MUCH harder for me to forgive than physical infidelity.

 

[gone_fishing]

I definately equate it with respect. Love alone doesn't conquer all, though...and I think ppl can be unrealistic thinking that love alone is gonna get them through a lifetime with someone.

I don't think that all women besides me are whores...that's a lil... harsh. I'm hoping you were using that word in the context of a woman who is being paid by a husband to cheat on his wife with him.

Love doesn't automatically come with respect. Like doesn't automatically come with respect.

Basically... the whole human relationship dynamic is a big ol' grey area.

For me... emotional infidelity would be MUCH harder for me to forgive than physical infidelity.

Love does automatically come with respect. If there's no respect, what they're feeling is not love. Also, I'm not going to argue semantics or wordage with you. I think you know what I meant by whore. You can substitute any PC word that makes you feel better but the gist of the issue remains the same.

At any rate, I wish you the best in your relationships. Love without respect or fidelity is a love not worth having. I totally respect your opinion though and of course you can live your life any way that makes you happy. We can just agree to disagree.

Further I saith not.

 

[Suerte]

Love does automatically come with respect. If there's no respect, what they're feeling is not love. Also, I'm not going to argue semantics or wordage with you. I think you know what I meant by whore. You can substitute any PC word that makes you feel better but the gist of the issue remains the same.

At any rate, I wish you the best in your relationships. Love without respect or fidelity is a love not worth having. I totally respect your opinion though and of course you can live your life any way that makes you happy. We can just agree to disagree.

Further I saith not.

That's fine...you don't have to say anything else.

But automatically viewing the definition of a whore to be every woman who tempts your husband w/o even knowing he is married...isn't just semantics... it might be more of a Freudian thing. Sometimes the first word that comes to mind is our actual BELIEF...and *then* we try to rationalize them as "I didn't mean it like that and you know I didn't so I'm not even gonna go there". When many times...people mean it JUST like they said it and in the context that they said it. And it kinda comes off as sounding like you have a problem with other females or are 'the jealous type' in relationships.

Love...respect...whatever... they DO NOT go hand in hand.

There are people that I respect but do not love, let alone like. There are people whom I like but do not love, love but do not like and/or respect.

It's a bit naiive to think that magically when you love someone... automatically all the other feelings just stay 100% firm all the time.

Love is what makes you WORK at keeping all those other feelings firm. But it doesn't make it just happen.

There are a lot of couples who TRULY LOVE eachother...but just can not be together for whatever reasons.

I still stick by the fact that *IF* I ever get married and unfortunately get cheated on (I'm a real open 'put it all on the table no matter what' kind of communicator...so I'd hope my hubby would come talk to me before anything happened)... I'd forgive a 20 minute long indescretion of the flesh before I'd forgive an ongoing emotional, spiritual, and sexual relationship that went on for months.

Any other opinions...I'm interested in hearing them!

 

[Junonia]

I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. I would never be able to trust him again. It would always be in the back of my mind that he is out cheating and I can't deal with that.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

All I have to say is this, I will keep it minimal:

Love is forgiving, patient, longsuffering, etc. One should not say what they ain't gonna do or who their not gonna forgive if they haven't been in that situation. Let the situation present itself and trust me...If you love that person, what you say now or said before, gets thrown out the door.

My husband has not cheated on me, but I do know from experience.

 

[gone_fishing]

What you say is true but I also know from experience and he is history. There are some people who do know themselve well enough to know how they will react in a particular situation and I'm one of them. I don't know how I'd act in all situations but I'm certain how I'm going to act in this one.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

That's fine...you don't have to say anything else.

But automatically viewing the definition of a whore to be every woman who tempts your husband w/o even knowing he is married...isn't just semantics... it might be more of a Freudian thing. Sometimes the first word that comes to mind is our actual BELIEF...and *then* we try to rationalize them as "I didn't mean it like that and you know I didn't so I'm not even gonna go there". When many times...people mean it JUST like they said it and in the context that they said it. And it kinda comes off as sounding like you have a problem with other females or are 'the jealous type' in relationships.

Love...respect...whatever... they DO NOT go hand in hand.

There are people that I respect but do not love, let alone like. There are people whom I like but do not love, love but do not like and/or respect.

It's a bit naiive to think that magically when you love someone... automatically all the other feelings just stay 100% firm all the time.

Love is what makes you WORK at keeping all those other feelings firm. But it doesn't make it just happen.

There are a lot of couples who TRULY LOVE eachother...but just can not be together for whatever reasons.

I still stick by the fact that *IF* I ever get married and unfortunately get cheated on (I'm a real open 'put it all on the table no matter what' kind of communicator...so I'd hope my hubby would come talk to me before anything happened)... I'd forgive a 20 minute long indescretion of the flesh before I'd forgive an ongoing emotional, spiritual, and sexual relationship that went on for months.

Any other opinions...I'm interested in hearing them!

I have to agree with you on this one, because I'm the same way. I can handle a slip up, but it would be hard for me to handle an ongoing thing. Like I would be hurt more than anything, even more hurt if I loved the person so much that I still remained married. I have friends who stayed married eventhough they new the spouse was cheating for YEARS with the same person. And, the one thing that I heard the most from her mouth was that "its the same women, which is what bothers me the most." How could anyone apply resolution or forgiveness to that?

I do think that love and respect are somewhat related in the context of marriage. A husband or wife sets boundaries on their actions or behaviors out of mere respect for their spouse because of love. If love wasn't present, then disrespect occurs in various ways intentional or not. Love causes one to think first, then react in hopes of showing respect as an extention of love.

Did I explain myself well?

 

[Seeking8Rights]

What you say is true but I also know from experience and he is history. There are some people who do know themselve well enough to know how they will react in a particular situation and I'm one of them. I don't know how I'd act in all situations but I'm certain how I'm going to act in this one.

I think as one gets older things may change? I'm just refering to third party relative experiences. I see more older women like in their 40's riding married out regardless of what occurs. Then I see younger radicals like .

But in your case you have set pretty clear standards to live by, some my friend (even the OLDEST ladie on the block) haven't learned or chose to do so.

 

[gone_fishing]

I think as one gets older things may change? I'm just refering to third party relative experiences. I see more older women like in their 40's riding married out regardless of what occurs. Then I see younger radicals like .

But in your case you have set pretty clear standards to live by, some my friend (even the OLDEST ladie on the block) haven't learned or chose to do so.

I didn't mean to come off sounding so harsh. I should have added some emoticons to diffuse my strong opinion.

I have had older women (when I was going through my divorce and it was a 20 minute indescretion at a swinger party while he was overseas) and they told me "men do those things, you shouldn't break up your family for that".

I also understand that older women often times feel like they need the financial stability a man can bring especially that close to retirement so their outlook may be different. Or, they've just been together so long they don't know anything else and don't want to be alone.

Well, I'd be alone or I'd be getting to know soemone else and that's that.

I will never let money cause me to accept bad male behavior. If a man cheats on me and tries to play that money card with me I'll say "I got money in the bank". GOODBYE!

My ex tried to do this to me by saying I couldn't handle finances by myself trying to blackmail me into being with him.

I try to explain to my ex husband even to this day that I am doing him a favor because I would be able to forgive him and I have but I would not be able to forget. Some people say if you can't forget then you haven't forgiven but I think that's bologna.

If someone comes into my house and steals from me I may forgive them with a heartfelt apology but not likely that I'm inviting them back into my house.

I know in my heart that I would be always on edge in a relationship where my SO cheated, and I would end up making both of us miserable which is why it's just best for me to leave him alone.

 

[LovetheLord]

Me and my husband have been married for three years. If my husband cheated I would stay and work things out. First of all we have two kids, secondly I love my husband and I know he loves me, one moment of indescretion is not going to send me packing. I would be hurt, but I would eventually get over it. (I can't believe I wrote that) Of course I would never tell him this, I let him believe I am out the door!

My aunt's husband cheated on her after 25 years of marriage and yep they are still together, she says it was hard to forget what he had done, but she is glad she stayed. She wanted to leave and give up, but she didn't. They have been married for 42 years and they are happy and no more cheating between either.

I used to say that I am so GONE if my SO cheats, but now I have lived and learned.

(Oh yeah, he would definitely have to buy me a new Lincoln Navigator, it would help me to forget my pain) I am not kidding

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Me and my husband have been married for three years. If my husband cheated I would stay and work things out. First of all we have two kids, secondly I love my husband and I know he loves me, one moment of indescretion is not going to send me packing. I would be hurt, but I would eventually get over it. (I can't believe I wrote that) Of course I would never tell him this, I let him believe I am out the door!

My aunt's husband cheated on her after 25 years of marriage and yep they are still together, she says it was hard to forget what he had done, but she is glad she stayed. She wanted to leave and give up, but she didn't. They have been married for 42 years and they are happy and no more cheating between either.

I used to say that I am so GONE if my SO cheats, but now I have lived and learned.

(Oh yeah, he would definitely have to buy me a new Lincoln Navigator, it would help me to forget my pain) I am not kidding

I love it! That is so funny!

 

[gone_fishing]

Me and my husband have been married for three years. If my husband cheated I would stay and work things out. First of all we have two kids, secondly I love my husband and I know he loves me, one moment of indescretion is not going to send me packing. I would be hurt, but I would eventually get over it. (I can't believe I wrote that) Of course I would never tell him this, I let him believe I am out the door!

My aunt's husband cheated on her after 25 years of marriage and yep they are still together, she says it was hard to forget what he had done, but she is glad she stayed. She wanted to leave and give up, but she didn't. They have been married for 42 years and they are happy and no more cheating between either.

I used to say that I am so GONE if my SO cheats, but now I have lived and learned.

(Oh yeah, he would definitely have to buy me a new Lincoln Navigator, it would help me to forget my pain) I am not kidding

I'm not trying to be argumentative but how would you really know for sure. That's not to say that you EVER really know for sure but I'd certainly be more suspicious if it happened once and I found out than if it never happened.

I'm glad for them though! That's a long time to invest in a marriage. More people should be like that. Too bad I know I couldn't be one of them.

 

[chica_canella]

If it were my husband, I think we would have to stay seperated for a while. I don't think I necessarily would leave him, but we'd prob. just work at it and pray on it.

 

[gone_fishing]

If it were my husband, I think we would have to stay seperated for a while. I don't think I necessarily would leave him, but we'd prob. just work at it and pray on it.

You know.....THAT may not be a bad idea. Separate - get your thoughts together - and then make you decision based on that issue PLUS anything else about your relationship that you need to ponder. Sometimes, the cheating is the LAST straw and not the first one for some people. But if it's the first straw in your case because nothing else has transpired - then a separation and some time to think may be in order. Good point.

 

[Suerte]

I have to agree with you on this one, because I'm the same way. I can handle a slip up, but it would be hard for me to handle an ongoing thing. Like I would be hurt more than anything, even more hurt if I loved the person so much that I still remained married. I have friends who stayed married eventhough they new the spouse was cheating for YEARS with the same person. And, the one thing that I heard the most from her mouth was that "its the same women, which is what bothers me the most." How could anyone apply resolution or forgiveness to that?

I do think that love and respect are somewhat related in the context of marriage. A husband or wife sets boundaries on their actions or behaviors out of mere respect for their spouse because of love. If love wasn't present, then disrespect occurs in various ways intentional or not. Love causes one to think first, then react in hopes of showing respect as an extention of love.

Did I explain myself well?

Yes...and I get what you're saying.

I was making the point that sometimes you fall in and out of love...or there might be a trust issue, or maybe your spouse does something that you don't believe in/agree with, that there are some times where you feel disrespected even though that wasn't the intent...or sometimes you might lose some or gain more in the area of respect.

The bonds of marriage should be solid, yet pliable...leaving room for personal growth and observation.

I don't AGREE with cheating...but I agree with honesty. And if there was a situation where cheating was darn near guaranteed to happen... I think my response would be "DO YOU!" and I would PROBABLY leave... unless we had a life, children, years invested, resources invested, etc. And if I had that much INVESTED...I'd re-evaluate and probably work it out. Marriage is also a friendship and a business arrangement... and at that point...I'd have to fall back on the friendship and my investment/business ideas...to get me over that hump of infidelity.

This is all speculative, of course.

I would HOPE that I could get over it. I'd HOPE. Whether or not it actually happens...will probably depend on things other than love.

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

All I have to say is this, I will keep it minimal:

Love is forgiving, patient, longsuffering, etc. One should not say what they ain't gonna do or who their not gonna forgive if they haven't been in that situation. Let the situation present itself and trust me...If you love that person, what you say now or said before, gets thrown out the door.

My husband has not cheated on me, but I do know from experience.

I could not agree more....It is so easy to say what you would do until you are truly in love with someone, see how much their bad decision is hurting them and then walk away...its not that easy and honestly if you can say that you would leave without talking about at least wanting to know why, then how in love are you!?!?

 

[Evolving78]

For the people that said they would leave, would you leave if he had cheated on you by having sex with someone or having a phone conversation or lunch with someone?

 

[Shardonay11]

One can only hope and pray, to keep your man interested, I think if you make your man happy, he will stay faithful. I mean Keep that body tight, hair hooked up, and a fierce style, complete with a loving supporting personality. Touch him alot, stroke his body and ego. Cook ladies cook, if you don't know how to learn, and clean the house. Oh, a have confidence no matter how pretty the next girl is be comfortable in your skin. Men love confidence in women. Women hate it.

He will look at you on such a high level, even if he cheated, other women would never be his love interest you will alway keep your man heart. And if you do it correctly I truely believe you can keep his body too.

 

[Evolving78]

For the people that said they would leave, would you leave if he had cheated on you by having sex with someone or having a phone conversation or lunch with someone?

Bumping for anwsers. I would really like to know. Not to start anything but to really see what people's idea of cheating is.

 

[Suerte]

Cheating is defined differently by different people...

but to ME... cheating is definately anything sexual... or with sexual intentions. It can also be intimacy....men shouldn't have close female relationships with other females, spend long periods of time talking to other females privately or share private information about themselves or their families.