spin off - let's have a serious conversation about settling.

CaraWalker

CaraWalker

Well-Known Member
i woke up at 1 in the morning, so please forgive the timing of this thread :lol:

this is a spinoff of CarLiTa's post here:

But given what you said about LHCF ladies... I've been wondering about this given your thread and a couple previous ones with a similar tone. We are now starting to see the effect that certain conversations on this board are having on some women. Some don't get the advice how it was intended. And probably many more carry some crippling fear of singleness. To the point that they're doing things that don't make sense.

I feel like we need to have a conversation about settling. Personally I think there are worst things in life than to settle, but there's probably such a thing about settling right. Isn't settling a choice one makes? Shouldn't it be? Because I don't understand *knowing* that you're settling and then being irrationally angry with the person about the very things you are settling on, and constantly belittling them for those things. You cannot make a choice to settle and then have the audacity to be pissed and self-conscious about it. Doesn't make sense. I'm curious to hear what others think about this.

So much man-bashing after the ring. Darling, you didn't *just* begin to settle. You settled at the very point you decided to let that relationship go past 3 months, six months. And you didn't settle right because you're acting like he pulled the wool over your eyes, when in fact you made the choice to continue a relationship with someone you're incompatible with and whom you don't respect.
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i think these are all excellent points, mainly because i never thought of it so articulately but i think it's exactly the case that women settle for a man they know is not great, and are then pissed off and self conscious about it. that begs the question, if you realise on some level that you are settling, why are you not comfortable with that decision?

personally, i dont live in the mythical unicornland where i feel i wont have to settle on at least SOME levels when i settle down for good. i know i will have to settle for something. given my compatibilities, i will most likely settle with a man that is not as attractive as i want but is very smart whom i connect with mentally. i still go out with good looking guys now but in the back of my mind i know i dont expect it to work out.

have you settled in a relationship before? or currently with/married to someone you settled for? given where we are :look: you dont have to go into details :lol: but ive never been in a relationship where there wasnt at least one thing i didnt like or wanted to change but chose to overlook. (that's the key i guess, that i made my peace with it and chose to accept it.)

so, just a few questions im bouncing around:

have you settled?
if you are single, do you expect to settle in the future? or do you plan to hold out for a guy you have no complaints about?
why in some instances of settling is the woman self conscious about it? and what can be done to avoid that?
is settling a good or bad thing?
do you actively look for and acknowledge the things you settle for?

i think there's this big thing on this forum specifically where women are beaten down about making concessions on things. part of it is just women being super critical of other women, and i think a lot of it is catty superiority type stuff, but there seems to be a real problem going on where if a woman can't find what she wants she just goes completely to the other extreme and takes whatever she can get. why isnt there more effort to find a middle ground?
 
There's difference between settling and realizing people have flaws and compromising on your 'list' items.
 
I have too many thoughts and will be back once I get to work. The crippling fear of singleness speaks to some unresolved abandonment issues tho.
 
And in case some are wondering why some men don't act right...as you can see, there are women out there proud to accept their nonsense.
 
I don't think that my wants are extreme. They are based on certain values that I grew up with and some that I did not grow up with but I know that I want.

There are some superficial things in there that I know that I can compromise on (e.g. height).

However, my happiness is important to me. I know that ultimately I bring a lot to the table and that I meet the criteria on the list of many men so it is only fair that they meet my criteria too. I wouldn't be happy knowing that I've settled and I do not believe that it would be fair to any prospective partner knowing that they were plan F.

I have however revised my list of reflect the person that I have grown to become.

Additionally I am happy single and I would be rather be a happy single woman that being in a relationship where I feel as though I could've done better in choosing partner.
 
I am single, and I know a big issue for me will probably be the physical attraction. I have such a specific type it's difficult for me to get up for someone outside that box.

The thing with settling, compromising, or whatever you want to call it, is that you need to listen to your own voice. If you're looking to other people to validate your choice, then IMO you're bound to be unhappy. But I find most people are not in tune with their own wants and needs enough to settle "right" as CarLiTa mentioned.
 
The fairytale storyline that you will find prince charming and he will be perfect is exactly that...a fairytale.

Its better to be practical is your approach to human beings. We ALL have flaws.

Settling right is knowing what you NEED in a man. You have to know what is important to you principally. Don't have some list of 10-20 things you just gotta have. Know yourself, then you will have a better idea of what you NEED in a man...then talk about what you want...then what would be nice etc.

Too often we toss all of the requirements because of how he makes us feel...but then again on the opposite extreme some of us are so married to the list that we miss the man we should be marrying.

What I usually tell young women is this, If you take a snapshot of him right now...would you be SATISFIED living with who he is right at this moment for the rest of your life? If he NEVER changed this particular characteristic, would you still love him and not hold it against him? If the answer is no, then you have some decisions to make.
 
nlamr2013 said:
There's difference between settling and realizing people have flaws and compromising on your 'list' items.
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I was coming in to say that. There are a few things I'm willing to compromise on. Most are physical. But there are traits, mostly intellectual or personality that i can't budge on. Unless the man is a billionaire and will give me compete access to the money. Then everything i said about certain traits i cant compromise on is a lie.
 
I think with the right person, compromising on several preferences doesn't really feel like settling. I think I may have to settle on things like height and looks, and maybe $$ to some extent. However, if the man is kind, responsible, shares my values, and the chemistry is right I likely won't care that he's only 6'0 and making $250,000/year ;-)
 
Fine 4s said:
Settling now but he still makes me so happy! *twirls out of thread*
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Would you mind sharing what you are "settling" on with respect to your current relationship and what in that relationship is making you happy? I take it you are just dating for fun and not serious about getting married/starting a family anytime soon?
 
Glib Gurl said:
Would you mind sharing what you are "settling" on with respect to your current relationship and what in that relationship is making you happy? I take it you are just dating for fun and not serious about getting married/starting a family anytime soon?
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I'm happy because my emotional needs are being met.
The other part I'm keeping close to my chest but it probably doesn't apply here as you are correct, I'm dating for fun at the moment. Eventhough my clock is TICK TICK TICKING!
 
My guess is when people think about settling, they're imagining some nonnegotiable, harmful stuff.

I've already expressed how I feel about settling. If I were to find myself advanced in age and single, I've told myself I'd "settle" with a man I'm not as into who adores me. Theoretically speaking that doesn't sound bad at all. I'd make the best of it because that would be a choice I consciously made.

But whether I'm full of options or looking for scraps, there are still things that are nonnegotiable and will simply never be on the table. They're so nonnegotiable that they're not even in the cadre of the settling subject for me.

I have to say... I'm puzzled by the recent threads where women are basically showing that their guys are fine enough to date, but then once marriage goes into the equation they're talking about "but I don't wanna settle" :confused: is it the finality of it that makes them realize they've been settling? Or did they really not know?
 
CarLiTa said:
My guess is when people think about settling, they're imagining some nonnegotiable, harmful stuff.

I've already expressed how I feel about settling. If I were to find myself advanced in age and single, I've told myself I'd "settle" with a man I'm not as into who adores me. Theoretically speaking that doesn't sound bad at all. I'd make the best of it because that would be a choice I consciously made.

But whether I'm full of options or looking for scraps, there are still things that are nonnegotiable and will simply never be on the table. They're so nonnegotiable that they're not even in the cadre of the settling subject for me.

I have to say... I'm puzzled by the recent threads where women are basically showing that their guys are fine enough to date, but then once marriage goes into the equation they're talking about "but I don't wanna settle" :confused: is it the finality of it that makes them realize they've been settling? Or did they really not know?
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Last paragraph, I agree I don't understand that either. Then it's not even oh he proposed and I said no because I didn't really like him it's he proposed I said yes and we're getting married in a week and I'm not sure my hearts in it. :lachen:
 
Or the good old wanting what you can't have?
But when you get it all ur like meh....donwannit. Lol
 
SelahOco said:
What's the difference between settling and compromising?
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To me, compromising means not getting something on your "like to have" list. Settling means giving up something on your "must have" list. Others may have different definitions. I think people can be happy if they compromise, but not if they settle.
 
nlamr2013 said:
Last paragraph, I agree I don't understand that either. Then it's not even oh he proposed and I said no because I didn't really like him it's he proposed I said yes and we're getting married in a week and I'm not sure my hearts in it. :lachen:
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i get it. ive read advice that strongly cautions women not to get in long about nothing relationships in their twenties/the critical pairing off stage. because it's hard not to do that. you get comfortable with someone thats not great, always intending to leave but then this ******* comes out of nowhere talking about something more permanent :look:

i did that in my last relationship and was determined not to do it again. when it came up a second time, i absolutely was not about to be trapped in "taking myself off the market for a guy who is not IT" again. im glad it only took me once to learn that.

its also hard to be the one doing the breaking up, especially if youre used to the guy being the one to call things off. i have a huge issue with telling a guy i dont want you leave me alone :lol: i think a lot of women probably arent good at that kind of direct confrontation, and that circumstance specifically, for a variety of reasons... but that doesnt mean just go along with it. you have to value your future and your desires enough to get out of it when you know its not right. and sometimes you absolutely 100% DO know it, whether you want to accept it or not.
 
I think settling is when you make an active choice to be with someone just to be with anyone. Not necessarily just overlooking bad qualities. We all do that. I have gone out with guys who I didn't feel a connection with. It wasn't about any particular qualities directly but just a general [lack of] feeling. If I had continued a relationship with them just to keep from being single, I would consider that settling. The guy I'm currently seeing doesn't have the job he wants right now, but I don't think of myself as settling. I don't have a grading system for mates. The only question I need to answer is "Do I want to be with this person?" And if the answer is yes, I'm not settling and never will.

I'm not sure what can be done about women feeling self conscious about qualities they settled for. I tend to not think of significant others as reflections of self. I'm suspicious if you care about and want to be with someone, but still feel self conscious about qualities you "settled" for. To me that says you're in relationships to validate yourself and you treat mates like trophies.
 
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I started not to post because I’ve come to the conclusion that my personality online is just not that one that many people agree with. It’s way far in left-field and it’s full of what ifs, questions, adventure, and the occasionally condescending tone which I swear is unintentional. But I don’t know since the thread was creating as a spin off from my thread….I just get to thinking. My friend, Flawed2Perfection came over and wasn’t feeling well. I tried to make her feel comfortable but I wanted some help. I asked my fiancé and he dropped everything to make sure she was fine. Why? Because that’s something that matters to me. I don’t care if it’s my dog, mother, brother, kids ( at work), or career plans….whatever I care for…he cares for. He’s invested in me.

Settling. It's a word that we toss around like a hot potato and women rush to analyze themselves to ensure that they're not in fact settling. And let's face it many of us have been in relationship seconds, hours, and months too long with a guy unworthy of our time. Settling is when you just want to have that perfect idea. That perfect storybook. That ROCK on your finger that the infamous Beyonce points to. Forget dating. You wanna be flawless NOW! Would I settle? Heck yeah. But for other reasons than simple reasons like "Not to be alone" "Oh that's all she can get" “Risk of not finding better” or “wanting to flaunt a rock.

I often say I do fear I couldn’t find someone better….and I really couldn’t. Cuz he’s that one. That’s not self-hate. That’s realization. It’s not desperation or lack of other men. There are plenty around but he’s that one. He’s just not PERFECT how I wanted to be; I am not to perfection myself.

Yup he’s a mama’s boy. A little quiet at times. Messy. Timid. Not deal breakers especially compared to my flaws. Procrastinator. Clinically depressed. Workaholic. And the list probably goes on. I look at the qualities he doesn’t have. Then I look at the qualities he does have. Then I ask. Does this relationship make me a better person? Yes? Do I think this relationship will continuously make me a better person? Yes. Does he unconditionally love you? Would he fight for you or is this relationship of convenience for him?
I have a LOT to learn and maturity to gain, but sometimes “settling” means you have to get rid of the nitpicky stuff, overlook some stuff, tweak some characteristics together from both sides, and just pray about it.

I guess it’s sometimes hard to differentiate settling from compromising. But honestly if I went with “passion” and didn’t “settle” I’d be in heartbreak and those guys are not good for me. It’s not logical and it’s not long term. I had to “settle” for what I call “boring” but it’s concrete, consistent, and unconditional.
 
Settling is a feeling. A woman could be with the ugliest looking man on the planet who beats her and has a menial job, but if she loves him and thinks his **** doesn't stink, she would not be settling. And a woman could be with a handsome, generous millionaire and still feel like she's settling.

I define settling as resigning yourself to being with someone for reasons other than love, respect, or even attraction. Lots of people settle because they fear being alone, being poor, or are desperate for kids. Or they get knocked up and settle for marriage rather than face the stigma of single parenthood. Or they lack the self confidence to trust their own gut.

One sign of settling is when you need to constantly tell yourself that staying is better than leaving, and you invest a lot of energy in trying to convince yourself why you can live without the things lacking in your relationships. Those things can be anything from shared interests to good, passionate sex. This kind of self talk probably is normal and healthy when it is occasional and well past the honeymoon stages. But I think it's problematic when it's a daily thing and the relationship is barely off the ground.

What settling is and isn't is left up to the individual to decide, though. I'm not about to look at someone's relationship and judge anyone just because, from the outside, it seems like they are an unlikely pair.
 
settle for, to be satisfied with: to settle for less. source: dictionary.com
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Settling is wanting something, but not getting what you want, so you become satisfied with what you could get or what you have.

Settling is not necessarily bad for everyone but in the same breath not everyone is cut out for it. It's like getting a bare pass grade and knowing that I could've done better. That grade will nag the hell out of me in the back of my mind. But I can make up for it probably in future assignments to raise my overall grade. However, marriage is permanent. Therefore, I choose not to make a bare pass in that area. At the end of the day, settling works for some more than others.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I started not to post because I’ve come to the conclusion that my personality online is just not that one that many people agree with. It’s way far in left-field and it’s full of what ifs, questions, adventure, and the occasionally condescending tone which I swear is unintentional. But I don’t know since the thread was creating as a spin off from my thread….I just get to thinking. My friend, Flawed2Perfection came over and wasn’t feeling well. I tried to make her feel comfortable but I wanted some help. I asked my fiancé and he dropped everything to make sure she was fine. Why? Because that’s something that matters to me. I don’t care if it’s my dog, mother, brother, kids ( at work), or career plans….whatever I care for…he cares for. He’s invested in me. Settling. It's a word that we toss around like a hot potato and women rush to analyze themselves to ensure that they're not in fact settling. And let's face it many of us have been in relationship seconds, hours, and months too long with a guy unworthy of our time. Settling is when you just want to have that perfect idea. That perfect storybook. That ROCK on your finger that the infamous Beyonce points to. Forget dating. You wanna be flawless NOW! Would I settle? Heck yeah. But for other reasons than simple reasons like "Not to be alone" "Oh that's all she can get" “Risk of not finding better” or “wanting to flaunt a rock. I often say I do fear I couldn’t find someone better….and I really couldn’t. Cuz he’s that one. That’s not self-hate. That’s realization. It’s not desperation or lack of other men. There are plenty around but he’s that one. He’s just not PERFECT how I wanted to be; I am not to perfection myself. Yup he’s a mama’s boy. A little quiet at times. Messy. Timid. Not deal breakers especially compared to my flaws. Procrastinator. Clinically depressed. Workaholic. And the list probably goes on. I look at the qualities he doesn’t have. Then I look at the qualities he does have. Then I ask. Does this relationship make me a better person? Yes? Do I think this relationship will continuously make me a better person? Yes. Does he unconditionally love you? Would he fight for you or is this relationship of convenience for him? I have a LOT to learn and maturity to gain, but sometimes “settling” means you have to get rid of the nitpicky stuff, overlook some stuff, tweak some characteristics together from both sides, and just pray about it. I guess it’s sometimes hard to differentiate settling from compromising. But honestly if I went with “passion” and didn’t “settle” I’d be in heartbreak and those guys are not good for me. It’s not logical and it’s not long term. I had to “settle” for what I call “boring” but it’s concrete, consistent, and unconditional.
Click to expand...

I know you and personally I don't think you're settling. Yes, some things you complain about, but overall he's a good match for you. Tell him thanks too lol! I'm feeling better since y'all took care of me when I was doped up on medication lol!!
 
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