Speaking up: Hair Care and the Uninformed

[Pheonixx]

While doing my annual training for the Guard, i woke up one morning to see this sista relaxing her hair before work.

Ok.
Ppl relax their hair all the time.
No biggie.

Then....I noticed that the woman was applying the relaxer from ROOT to TIP. She caught me in the mirror staring at her and she smiled.
We greeted each other. She continued relaxing. I brushed my teeth and all the while she's standing there--just applying and smoothing. Applying and smoothing...
See--I was there for 5 minutes and she was there wayyy before I got there so you know, she'd probably processed past the recommended time.

So as I was getting ready to gather up my things and head to my bed to put on my uniform, she whips out a comb.

She then proceeds to....wait for it........COMB the relaxer solution through her hair....root to TIP!

There were other black folks there...at least 2 'hair mavens' in the bunch, i know. But no one said anything. Thinking back on the situation, I figure maybe everyone was thinking as I was. And I was like this:


I went on about my business.
Later on at work, one my girls came on shift and we got into an intense hair discussion. (lol)
I brought up the girl from earlier as an example of how NOT to relax your hair.
HER:Oh yeah--I saw ol' girl with that perm. I said to myself, 'She don't wanna let stephanie catch see her doing that'. I know you bout damn near birthed a cow in the middle of the floor...

...and it's true--I DID.

ME: Well...yeah--but I'm a little hesitant of giving my input...I mean--I know her, but I don't know her THAT well, y'know? ...and I don't know how well my opinions would be received.
Her: Well i understand. It looked the same after she permed as it did before she permed.

...and the whole time I was standing there brushing my teeth, I was thinking, "I should say something. I should REALLY say something...!"
But I didn't.
Although, I think I should have. Because I'd finally figure out why her hair looked like it did (uneven and breaking). She did not even need that relaxer.
But everyone doesn't like unsolicited advice, either.
I know my friends don't! LOL. But I'm not worried about nary one of those heffas because they're my friends. I'll speak as I see fit. If I see them doing something incorrectly I'll give input.

But strangers....? People I don't know that well...? I dunno. I'm just wary of putting in my two-cents.

So My question is: I know everyone darn near has experienced seeing poor relaxer applications and/or hair maintenance techniques...
But DID you always speak up to correct the behavior? And if not, did you feel like, maybe you should have?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

AS much as I would love to... people act too crazy if they think you're trying to tell them they aren't doing something right.

 

[glam-]

Wow, I'm sad for the girl you saw, cause I know she doesn;t know any better. But I understand your situation too, it's hard to say something when you don't know someone like that (actually it can be hard even when you do) because people don't want to hear it when they think they do know.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I keep my mouth shut because, like everyone else said, most people do not like to be told that they are doing something wrong. Even when people ask about hair care, they rarely listen or follow the advice.

When her hair is on the floor or flowing down the drain with the relaxer cream, she will then seek out the help of the ladies with long, healthy hair. Then you can speak up.

 

[soulie]

People do not want to be given advice - even when it is for their own good. I'm a member of BHM and I frequent the lacefront and weave forums. Folk will take your head OFF for even gently suggesting that there could be different/better way to attach a wig or a closure. They will hurt your feelings while you're trying to keep from hurting their feelings. I guess I'm rare: I'd rather you pulled me aside and educated me (but not at the top of your lungs in public)!

 

[SouthernStunner]

I think there is a time and place for everything. If u two were the only ones in there or awake at the time in a nice way explain to her that most of her hair had already been permed and then explain the downfall of overproccessing her hair. I have short hair at the moment and I would love advice from someone who walks the walk and talks the talk Meaning I would take advice give with good intentions with beautiful hair she obviously knows what she is talking about. What's the worse she could say but no thank you? She would be the one looking like a Don King impersonator!

I guess I am a rare bird though.

 

[Christa438]

For the most part I keep my mouth shut when it comes to people I dont know and people I dont know well enough. I even have family members who dont want to listen to my ("lectures" is what they call it) advise/tips so I stopped giving it especially after one or two caught an attitude and told me "Okay! Damn!" when I was trying to give a few tips on how to avoid/lessen all the chemical AND heat damage because I walked in on it. That made me catch an attitude and say "Okay then, Fine Never again ." [unless asked, and this may seem petty but Im not sure I'll WANT to share anything with them if Im ever asked in the future...well, if they ask in the future I will probably be relieved and happy to help them do better...only out of LOVE though...but I bet pigs will fly before they ask lol]

 

[Simply_Kelz]

unless I have a good relationship. Would I like to? Sure. But most people either get offended or defensive, don't want to believe me because "they have frizzy ends that must be touched up or else it won't get straight"erplexed

Most of the people in my family are natural .. so, I never had to talk to any of them about that, but I would tell a friend.

 

[ladylibra]

oh God, you're making me feel even more guilty...

i just got back from an emergency "feminine" trip to CVS erplexed and when i passed the hair care aisle, this woman was asking an employee about Dark & Lovely. the girl told her it was good... and i quote, "i use it on my hair all the time!" and i don't like to dog people out but... her hair did not look good. at all. but the lady decided to buy it.

man i feel so bad for not saying anything, i could've at least told her the ORS was better. i was just in too much of a hurry...

 

[Tarae]

The only unsolicited advice I give is to my sister because I know she won't get offended.
The last time I went to get a wash and set, another stylist was giving this lady the longest touch up EVER.

I mean, I got there and waited about 5 minutes, then got my hair washed (which took forever), went under the dryer for 15 minutes for a DC then waited about 5 minutes for them to wash it out. That whole process took about 30 minutes, if not more, and that woman's relaxer was in for that long. Then, she got up and used the phone for a few, got back in the seat and the stylist applied MORE relaxer. I was horrified but it wasn't my place. I just prayed that she'd have some hair left on her head after all that.

But while all that was going on, another lady was getting her hair dyed. And that dye stayed on for too long also. I wanted to tell her to tell them to rinse it out since she seemed nice and unaware but I just minded my business (and prayed she'd have some hair left also).

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

All the time... I will be in the stores, in the hair aisle and see women picking up jars of hair grease or some horrible product- and their hair already looks terrible but I keep to myself. Ive learned even from my friends at work: JUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I have a friend that is always getting her hair dyed/higlites- whatever. And she puts heat on her hair every day and washes (shampoo) every day and she said she never DC's. I actually brought it up ONCE- and she looked at me like I was crazy. So I said ok, it's all good I will zip it, lock it and put it in my pocket.

 

[Pheonixx]

LOL @CHRISTA...
1.
@TARAE...I'm not sure I would have spoken up either. I could see something like that turning into a SERIOUS misunderstanding...that gets me kicked right out the shop...
2.
@LADYLIBRA....Dark and Lovely? Ugh... That relaxer is too strong, imo. Something is up with the chemistry. And I know there had to have been something else on that shelf that she could have picked up.
3.
@KARLAP
Yeah--I suppose I could have pulled her aside. I chalk it up to a missed opportunity.
4.
@mshottienelson...Well damn.
I think my friends get tired of me emailing hair care tips and hair websites to them. LOL.Only 2 appreciate it. One thinks it's psycho that I belong to a 'hair cult' (board) in the first place, but err ahh, then again---who is always coming to WHOM for hair how-tos...?
Thank you.
Them heffas know....
LOL.
With friends and ppl that I associate with on the regular? It's no problem. I pick my battles but if I see something that doesn't look right, I'll let it be known.
Like my friend told me that a mutual friend of ours has a daughter whose hair is damaged. The child is caring for her hair but she doesn't know what she's doing. But neither does her mama so it's understandable...
I didn't know how bad it was until she was brought over to my friend's house to wash and DC it.
Her head looked a FRESH mess!
And she's 13. So you know she's all self-conscious....
I was somewhat irked because it made no sense. I told her mama, " You really need to wash that baby's hair. Like more than 'every so often'. And STOP relaxing her everytime you see some NG, it's breaking her hair. Let some inches come through--NG ain't gon kill her...."
She knows how direct I am so it didn't hurt her feelings. But even if it did, the mama can look crazy all she wants. Children can't always speak for themselves.
So I will.
So she can get mad. Maybe that will spur some initiative.
I'm telling you, that's my pet-peeve: Chil'ren with raggedy-looking, chewed up hair. It just makes my nerves bad! (lol)
...and it's one thing for you to look a mess--but to have your child walking around looking like a damn 'picanniny': All raggedy and 'thrown away'...?
Uh uh...
Next thing you know this child will be saddled with a dern 'complex' because kids are making fun of her.
Our hair ain't that big of a hassle to care for but you have some ppl who act like black hair is oh so difficult to maintain.
I mean whaddya gotta do?
Wash, DC, moisturize, limit heat...basically. It's simple. Some ppl are just 'ignant' and lazy. They don't want to learn or understand. They'd rather relax bone-straight and stick with what doesn't work.
5.
But the good news is, yall:
1. I did square one female away. The girl that I was discussing relaxer how-tos with? She had NO clue herself.
It was our first few days working together. After a little chitchat, and me complaining about the humidity making my hair poof (it was Louisiana. Nuff said.) she touched her hair while looking at my braid-out and asked me what I did for my hair.
...and lord what'd she do that for?

HER (laughing): "I hope I'm not bothering you..."
ME (waving my hand to shush her): "Oh girl, hush.....and pull up a chair..."

I can talk about hair all day!
5 minutes later we were fast friends.
..and although I don't know everything I did try to square her away with the basics. (protein/moisture balance, heat usage, black hair and hair washing, natural and relaxed hair care, etc...)
I even gave her a list of moisturizing shampoos and conditioners.
...and told her to look up LCHF when she gets home.
She had a million and one questions. About relaxed hair care. Breakage issues. Going natural...
She liked my hair. She wanted to go natural--but didn't think she had the right 'type' of hair.
Yeah....I know--and the whole 'good hair/soft hair' thing (and most ppl who use those terms) tend to just get on my nerves. But then again--that sort of feeling is perfectly natural. Considering our history. We're all works in progress and we've all worked through some 'good hair' issues at one time or another.
I told her this and reassured her that her texture was/is gorgeous.
And it was. She has that Rudy Huxtable type hair.

She just lacks the knowledge to care for it.

 

[MizzBrown]

LOL, I'm mad you said "pull up a chair" LOL Cause thats exactly how i feel when someone asks me about my hair. Its not something you can really explain in a span of 10 minutes sometimes.

I FINALLY got my sister off this mineral-oil laden product. She kept saying she already spent so much money on it and i said I DONT CARE! STOP using it!

She had sooo much shedding and breakage when i was rollersettin her hair and acted like that was normal. It's not.

One thing at a time with her. Sometimes you cant overload folks with info either.