Sometimes he makes me so mad

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

I've said before that my DH does not like my natural hair. Well, I'm still experimenting with a lot of things and tried something new.

I did it before he woke up and thought it looked ok, especially since it's the first time I've done it. He comes into the laundry room while I'm folding laundry and says "What is that? Is that a hair style?"

I didn't say anything back because I was so angry. I think he got the point. He knows I'm sensitive about my hair, I wish he would just keep his comments to himself.

 

[Tamrin]

Girl, please don't pay him any mind. Just look at his head while he is talking to you. It works. Your texture is beautiful. Wait till its waist length and thick, you will be seeing him salivating. Keep up the good work.

L

 

[Mystic]

Don't pay him any mind because your hair is absolutely gorgeous. Wait until it is BSL - he will be all over you!

 

[Neith]

I've said before that my DH does not like my natural hair. Well, I'm still experimenting with a lot of things and tried something new.

I did it before he woke up and thought it looked ok, especially since it's the first time I've done it. He comes into the laundry room while I'm folding laundry and says "What is that? Is that a hair style?"

I didn't say anything back because I was so angry. I think he got the point. He knows I'm sensitive about my hair, I wish he would just keep his comments to himself.

I would tell him straight out... I already know that you don't like my hair so just don't say anything about my hair to me. Nothing unless it's positive.

I can't imagine that someone that really cared about you would WANT to hurt your feelings or make you uncomfortable all the time.
​

 

[username12]

Don't take it personal. So many men don't understand or find natural hair attractive due to social conditioning that white is better.

Sit down and have a loving conversation about natural hair and beauty. Keep it positive and allow him to do some critical thinking. I'm sure you all will reach an agreement.

 

[krikit96]

I personally think your texture is beautiful... and dont pay dh no mind... he is just a tad brainwashed.
But you need to tell him in your best "I REALLY ain't playin' witchu" voice that he needs to keep any hurtful negative comments to himself, or sleep on the couch for the remander of his LIFE! Whatever happened to love honor and respect? You don't willingly crush someones feelings like that if you care...
Maybe he'll get the point.

 

[tada1]

I would recommend that you have a discussion with him about what exactly he doesn't like about your hair. Alot of times, guys say some things without realizing the implications/impact of their words, and the sad and sorry truth is that he might NEVER realize how you feel if you dont say something.

Keeping quiet about it will only lead to resentment and possibly problems in other perfectly good areas of your marriage. So take a deep breath, calmly tell him that you don't appreciate his disdain for your natural hair, and hear him out.

Marriage is about give and take. Keep your hair healthy, but don't destroy a good marriage over it.

 

[Reinventing21]

Hang in there! Your hair is beautiful and will continue to get even more beautiful. B4 you know it, he'll be bragging about your hair like he has amnesia about what he used to say. Trust me...that's men!

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

Thanks for the comments ladies. We had a long discussion before I bc'd and I explained to him all the reasons that I wanted to go natural. He told me honestly that he did not think he would like my hair, especially if it was going to be short and that he liked straight, long hair, but that he would support me in whatever I wanted and that he would love me no matter what.

When I was relaxed, he used to compliment my hair every now and then, but I have heard NO positive comments about my natural hair. He'll compliment me on other things, but never my hair. Sometimes I wish he would just lie and tell me he liked my hair, but I know that he would never do that because he's all about being completely honest. He usually takes the route of saying nothing, but this is the second time he's asked me a somewhat passive aggressive question.

He tried to make up for it later by being really nice and telling me he liked my head scarf. I think length is the bigger issue with him, really.

 

[flowinlocks]

Don't take it personal. So many men don't understand or find natural hair attractive due to social conditioning that white is better.

I totally agree, although I'm not natural, I have experienced less than welcoming responses to some of my hairstyles from my ex hubby, lol I took hours upon hours to spiral my hair & tease it just a bit , before he got home and told me I looked like Tito Jackson!!! Needless to say I was little annoyed , and when I say little I mean only A little , I think It was more by his insensitive remarks than him liking the styles I chose. As a hairstylist my hair changed liked the wind, and although he some styles he liked, some he didn't. Sigh... oh well. No matter what I did it was in good taste, and it eventually grew on him. When you love someone it's normal to want them to accept you for who you are , (which I'm sure he does), that's why I say be encouraged by the compliments I KNOW YOU GET elsewhere till he comes along for the ride, and he will meanwhile rock yo doo gurl!!!! you're beautiful!!! Be Blessed!!!

 

[hairedity]

First, your hair is beautiful. I can see it's got a great future ahead of length and health, so hang in there. Second I understand how you feel.. I tried that summer bun thing earlier this summer with the braid that goes across the front (can't remember which member here introduced this style), anyway I got a compliment from a friend when I wore it. So I tried it on another day and made the front braid a bit, okay much bigger. Whereas last time my DH didn't say anything, this time he made the remark that I looked like a dinosaur hahahahahahaha... I mean I felt bad, but it is funny and yes he stole my confidence for the day, and I never tried that style again. Yes the Dh's can be such jerks sometimes.

 

[dinaaike]

It sounds as though he might have let himself get a little carried away.

The next time he says something hurtful, look him in the eyes and ask him if he REALLY wants you to remember every painful remark he made about your hair when it's longer and he wants to touch it. Then don't say anything else.

I'll bet he'll be little more careful with the commentary next time.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

Well he's a goober because your hair is beautiful.

 

[NYAmicas]

I personally think your texture is beautiful... and dont pay dh no mind... he is just a tad brainwashed.
But you need to tell him in your best "I REALLY ain't playin' witchu" voice that he needs to keep any hurtful negative comments to himself, or sleep on the couch for the remander of his LIFE! Whatever happened to love honor and respect? You don't willingly crush someones feelings like that if you care...
Maybe he'll get the point.

ITA!
esp at the bolded.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

It sounds as though he might have let himself get a little carried away.

The next time he says something hurtful, look him in the eyes and ask him if he REALLY wants you to remember every painful remark he made about your hair when it's longer and he wants to touch it. Then don't say anything else.

I'll bet he'll be little more careful with the commentary next time.

I like that. Or put him on the sofa.

 

[jada1111]

I've said before that my DH does not like my natural hair. Well, I'm still experimenting with a lot of things and tried something new.

I did it before he woke up and thought it looked ok, especially since it's the first time I've done it. He comes into the laundry room while I'm folding laundry and says "What is that? Is that a hair style?"

I didn't say anything back because I was so angry. I think he got the point. He knows I'm sensitive about my hair, I wish he would just keep his comments to himself.

From your pics, your hair looks fine, especially the twist/out pics. Don't pay him any mind. He'll get used to it.

If he doesn't, then...oh well.

 

[jamaraa]

You and he need to talk...unlike the others, I'm not so sure he'll be more supportive as your hair as it gets longer either. Whatever the case, y'all need to get it all out in the open because BOTH of you will have to live w/ it. The little comments and resentments build up over time, so better start and open and ongoing dialog.

 

[hopeful]

((((hugs)))) I feel your hurt. Your dh can hurt you like nobody else. You already discussed your decision with him, no need for you to have any long, drawn out discussions. Just make it clear that you expect his support, period. He does not have to love your hair, but he has to care enough about you to NOT hurt your feelings about this issue. You know how when you say do I look fat in this dress and dh says naw baby you look good, well, that's what he's got to do with the hair, learn to love it because it's something you love. I think your hair is beautiful.

 

[LadyKaypnyc]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO DH, that was not nice at all

Your hair is beautiful! Keep doing you and he will come around eventually

 

[LadyKaypnyc]

((((hugs)))) I feel your hurt. Your dh can hurt you like nobody else. You already discussed your decision with him, no need for you to have any long, drawn out discussions. Just make it clear that you expect his support, period. He does not have to love your hair, but he has to care enough about you to NOT hurt your feelings about this issue. You know how when you say do I look fat in this dress and dh says naw baby you look good, well, that's what he's got to do with the hair, learn to love it because it's something you love. I think your hair is beautiful.

Well said Hopeful!!

 

[HeavenlySkies]

I'm sorry but your hair looks cute to me in the sig.

 

[hopeful]

Well said Hopeful!!

Awww thanks sweetie.

 

[Sunshine0801]

Don't worry about it. He'll come around eventually!

 

[Irresistible]

Hang in there! Your hair is beautiful and will continue to get even more beautiful. B4 you know it, he'll be bragging about your hair like he has amnesia about what he used to say. Trust me...that's men!

ugh, exactly!

 

[Eclass215]

Girrrrl - I am right there with you. There are a few things I hate people commenting on: my hair, my money, and my family.


My boyfriend is the same way. He prefers when I wear my hair straight, even though I love the natural styles. When I wear it natural he always has something smart to say and I can't stand it. I've tried to explain why I wear it the way I do and what it means to me but I just don't think he gets it.

Well I get it!! So if you need to vent, I am here!

And your hair is absolutely beautiful!!!!

 

[tocktick]

your hair looks so cute in your siggy. your texture is beautiful!

your problem is one shared by many women on lhcf and irl too. sometimes, the real issue is the length. there are many stories of husbands who eventually come to love natural hair but that only occurs when the hair is longer.

if the real issue here is definitely texture, then count your dh as one of the many people who will always look like erplexed when it comes to natural hair. that's their issue; do not make it your own. if you love your hair and your are confident about it, then that's all that matters. i know we sometimes look for our partners approval on apperance but if you keep your hair looking healthy and cute then your dh needs to learn to accept your hair as it is. relaxing is not an appropriate compromise in this issue.

i think this is one of those things that you'll probably need to stand your ground on and let him know that non-constructive criticism and tactless remarks are just not welcome.

 

[Southernbella.]

Thanks for the comments ladies. We had a long discussion before I bc'd and I explained to him all the reasons that I wanted to go natural. He told me honestly that he did not think he would like my hair, especially if it was going to be short and that he liked straight, long hair, but that he would support me in whatever I wanted and that he would love me no matter what.

When I was relaxed, he used to compliment my hair every now and then, but I have heard NO positive comments about my natural hair. He'll compliment me on other things, but never my hair. Sometimes I wish he would just lie and tell me he liked my hair, but I know that he would never do that because he's all about being completely honest. He usually takes the route of saying nothing, but this is the second time he's asked me a somewhat passive aggressive question.

He tried to make up for it later by being really nice and telling me he liked my head scarf. I think length is the bigger issue with him, really.

Been there, done that! Doing that, actually.

Trust me, it gets easier. You just have to get to a place where you don't care what he thinks. If you are going to stay natural, that's the mindset you have to have. At this point, we don't talk about my hair at all. My dh is like yours...he isn't the type to lie and pay a compliment. I don't ask him for his opinion, and he doesn't volunteer it. We are both fine with this setup.

Deep down, he may not dislike it as much as it seems. He may just be feeling a little resentful that you "did it anyway", knowing that he wouldn't like it.

I say this because my dh seems to really dislike my hair, but he was telling me how he saw an old friend & the friend's wife the other day, and was showing them pics of our family that he had on his ipod. He showed them a pic of my hair and told them that I had gone natural, and the friend looked at his wife and said, "Don't you ever think about it!" then looked at my dh and said, "never that for my wife, man!"

My dh said to me, "baby, she had about 10 pounds of weave on her head! I know he didn't think that mess looked better than your hair!"

I'm sitting there like and .

Anyway, sorry for rambling. My point was just that he may secretly like some of your styles or think you look nice, but he might be holding back on purpose to "punish" you.

You are going to have to get completely comfortable with your hair and with the fact that it may take you getting to BSL before he has anything nice to say. Don't even expect anything...just look in the mirror and love what you see. I KNOW you get compliments from other people because your hair is beautiful, so just take those in and know that your dh is in the minority.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

Thank you for all of the advice! If he has anymore to say, he will be getting a blistered ear from me. I think he thinks that asking ambiguous questions is not the same as putting my hair down. But the implication is there.

Thanks for the support, I am a stay at home mom right now, so he's sometimes the only adult I see all day and the only one I get feedback from, so *shrug* I guess it just touches a nerve even more.

Lauren450- I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Your story was hilarious. That was sweet of your DH. I actually could probably count the amount of compliments that I've gotten on one hand. My best friend does, but she's my best friend, that's her job Maybe once I get back to work and I can get other feedback, his opinion won't hurt as much.

hopeful--You are so right! He's got the "you don't look fat in that dress" part down, he just needs some work on the hair part.

tocktick-- he claims that it's the length and not the texture, but some of the things he says makes me wonder. I guess only time will tell.

Eclass215--Thank you so much! I can't believe your bf doesn't like your hair, I'd kill to have that beautiful mane!

Sunshine0801, LadyKaypnyc- Thank you ladies, I hope he does come around !

Moustacy, Iluvsmuhgrass, NYAmicas, jada1111--Thank you ladies!

jamaraa-- Thank you for the advice, we have had a few talks about it, the comments have just started up recently. I do agree that the resentments start to buildup and that's just not good.

hairedity- I can't believe your husband said that! You are right, they can be the biggest jerks!

dinaake- Good advice! Thank you girl!

flowinlocks-- OMG tito jackson?! I would die! I am still waiting for a compliment in front of him from someone else. Then I can turn around and say "See!"

 

[MAMATO]

Give him some time sweetie, he'll get used to it faster than you think and will love it the way you do. I hate when my DH shaves all his hair and wear a bald head just because it's cool. I know it is only hair but I really don't like that and would act like your DH whenever he does that, at least for the first couple of days. See, men are not the only one who have their preferences on hairstyles, but eventually he'll accept it down the road because his love is certainly more about the person you are and not the hairstyle you wear.

 

[hot_pepper96]

Girl,

I wish I had your hair texture! It's gorgeous!