So..looking at the positive vs. negative threads in here...

[Jade Feria]

....Is it me, or does it seem like all the "girl, he done did me wrong"/"Is he cheating on me"/"I can't believe what he said to me" threads go platinum, while all the "what do you love about him"/"what are some nice things he has done for you" threads barely get responses? I may be a little biased in my question because I made one of these threads before and barely anyone responded.

I'm not referring to the threads where people ask general questions about relationships. This is about the thread topics that refer to the positive aspects of relationships vs the ones that refer to the negative aspects of relationships.

Maybe we would have better relationships if we focused more on the positive aspects of our relationships and had a more positive outlook overall (better relationship with ourselves)..then we would have better results (better relationship with others). That which we focus on, expands. So if we're focusing on all these bad relationships, we will continue to find ourselves in the same displeasing situations. If we are more positive, we are more confident, and we know what we want and deserve, we will start attracting higher quality people, relationships, and situations into our lives.

This just shows how we as a society have been conditioned to automatically look for the bad. People look for the bad, find the bad, acknowledge the bad, think about the bad, rant and vent for hours and hours about the bad, respond to the bad, analyze the bad, rationalize the bad, and wonder why they keep finding themselves in "bad" situations.

Don't worry, be happy!
:Rose: :sweet:

 

[gabulldawg]

I agree, OP!!! I admit that I've been sucked into those negative threads, particularly when I was with my ex and things were going downhill. Now that I'm happy and in a good relationship, I wish there were more positive threads. I enjoy sharing how happy I am! I enjoy having a good man! I recognize that he's not perfect and never will be, but that doesn't mean he isn't a good man!

But I do know that sometimes I still go into those threads to give the OP encouragement. Also, the person may be in denial and find it hard to face the truth. A lot of times the person can't really see the situation for what it is while they are in it (speaking from personal experience).

 

[Ladybelle]

I think you're right and I've noticed that trend - people thrive on drama. But, I will say that I usually don't post on threads like "what do you like about him" "why do you love your so/dh" or "what has he done nice for you" type threads for a few reasons:

1) to avoid hateration or being perceived as arrogant, humility is one of the reasons I have and manage to keep my "good man".
2) privacy- i don't like putting my business on front street (good or bad)
3) women are generally the most skeptical & critical of each other - no matter what good you say, some women will find something wrong with it
4) some people are looking to just be "nosy" and really aren't happy for you.


that's just me though....

 

[Jade Feria]

I think you're right and I've noticed that trend - people thrive on drama. But, I will say that I usually don't post on threads like "what do you like about him" "why do you love your so/dh" or "what has he done nice for you" type threads for a few reasons:

1) to avoid hateration or being perceived as arrogant, humility is one of the reasons I have and manage to keep my "good man".
2) privacy- i don't like putting my business on front street (good or bad)
3) women are generally the most skeptical & critical of each other - no matter what good you say, some women will find something wrong with it
4) some people are looking to just be "nosy" and really aren't happy for you.


that's just me though....

I get where you're coming from. But appreciating the good in our lives, whether in our relationships, our health, our financial situations, whatever it is, is not an indication of arrogance, IMO, as long as you are truly grateful for what you have. The hateration is going to be there no matter what you do, lol. James Arthur Ray says that if you're going to be loved, you'll be hated in exact measure. That's the law of polarity!

Still, I understand where you're coming from.

 

[laCriolla]

You're right that there are more 'negative' threads here
but
I see it more as people come here to support each other and ask for advice about difficult situations. no one needs help feeling great/enjoying their relationships!

So the negative is really a positive in that OPs are not isolated, but supported in this community

 

[Poohbear]

I agree! When you focus on the negative, you'll never be happy. There's nothing wrong with supporting each other, and it's okay to learn from mistakes and think about what you can do better next time, but you must not dwell on mistakes or bad things. You must let go and move on.

 

[Kerryann]

i appreciated the good in my life but sometimes when you talk too much about it it starts to get spoil. i dont know about anyone else but thats just me. i love my boo yes i do thats psoitive and thats all i have to say lol

 

[Bunny77]

I think you're right and I've noticed that trend - people thrive on drama. But, I will say that I usually don't post on threads like "what do you like about him" "why do you love your so/dh" or "what has he done nice for you" type threads for a few reasons:

1) to avoid hateration or being perceived as arrogant, humility is one of the reasons I have and manage to keep my "good man".
2) privacy- i don't like putting my business on front street (good or bad)
3) women are generally the most skeptical & critical of each other - no matter what good you say, some women will find something wrong with it
4) some people are looking to just be "nosy" and really aren't happy for you.


that's just me though....

It's funny... I'll talk a lot when I'm not in a relationship or in a not-great one, but when I'm finally in a good one, it's like I don't wanna say nothin'!

I just smile inside and go on about my business... it could be that privacy thing you mention.

 

[KEIONI'S MOM]

....Is it me, or does it seem like all the "girl, he done did me wrong"/"Is he cheating on me"/"I can't believe what he said to me" threads go platinum, while all the "what do you love about him"/"what are some nice things he has done for you" threads barely get responses? I may be a little biased in my question because I made one of these threads before and barely anyone responded.

I'm not referring to the threads where people ask general questions about relationships. This is about the thread topics that refer to the positive aspects of relationships vs the ones that refer to the negative aspects of relationships.

Maybe we would have better relationships if we focused more on the positive aspects of our relationships and had a more positive outlook overall (better relationship with ourselves)..then we would have better results (better relationship with others). That which we focus on, expands. So if we're focusing on all these bad relationships, we will continue to find ourselves in the same displeasing situations. If we are more positive, we are more confident, and we know what we want and deserve, we will start attracting higher quality people, relationships, and situations into our lives.

This just shows how we as a society have been conditioned to automatically look for the bad. People look for the bad, find the bad, acknowledge the bad, think about the bad, rant and vent for hours and hours about the bad, respond to the bad, analyze the bad, rationalize the bad, and wonder why they keep finding themselves in "bad" situations.
Don't worry, be happy!
:Rose: :sweet:

You said a mouth full with the bolded and I love that you were able to articulate it. IMO people need to focus on themselves more and not just the relationship that they are in. If you know you and the things that you are able to bring too the table and are willing to accept/not waiver on the person you are with will appreciate and recognize that you love yourself and you will be willing too walk away from any situtation that doesn't put you first or not make you happy.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

ITA w/ the OP. I'm guilty too of falling for the negs, but I try to bring helpful and positivity to the otherwise onslaught of curt, mean, and bossy comments. Thanks for having the courage to do the right thing. I'll try to keep up too.

 

[honeycomb719]

Gabulldawg and asuperwomen made very valid points that I agree with. Its has been my expereince to try to uplifting to someone going through a negative situation. Also, some members have memories like elephants so if you were to go spilling on about how good your man is being to you, the moment something to the contrary is posted the blood-hounds will find a way to use it against you.
Like Bunny said, I just smile on the inside and K.I.M...

 

[Ladybelle]

Gabulldawg and asuperwomen made very valid points that I agree with. Its has been my expereince to try to uplifting to someone going through a negative situation. Also, some members have memories like elephants so if you were to go spilling on about how good your man is being to you, the moment something to the contrary is posted the blood-hounds will find a way to use it against you.
Like Bunny said, I just smile on the inside and K.I.M...

exactly. ITA with bunny too- I don't know why that is. I guess misery loves company maybe?? I dunno....

I do try to be positive in those types of threads OP mentioned as being "negative" I try not to be the first one to say "leave him giiiirrrll!" If I can't give what I think is constructive advice, I don't say anything at all.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Maybe we would have better relationships if we focused more on the positive aspects of our relationships and had a more positive outlook overall (better relationship with ourselves)..then we would have better results (better relationship with others). That which we focus on, expands. So if we're focusing on all these bad relationships, we will continue to find ourselves in the same displeasing situations. If we are more positive, we are more confident, and we know what we want and deserve, we will start attracting higher quality people, relationships, and situations into our lives.

Okay...in a way I DO agree with this whole-heartedly. What you focus on becomes your reality...blah blah blah BUT...has anyone actually ever experienced this?? Because I swear...I've tried the "be positive!" thing, and I still don't have a relationship. And the most recent one was a huge waste of my time. It really pained me and hurt me a lot. It will take a while getting over that one. It would help though to hear success stories of others who have changed their "love lives" around simply by being positive and happy.

IDK.... I was just thinking this today that I need to get out of the negative "funk" that I'm in. So, I agree with you. I just don't see anything changing....maybe that's why I'm so down.

I do appreciate the encouragement I get from the ladies on this board though.

But you're right...I could be more POSITIVE and post on more "positive threads". I think it would help change the "air" of the board a little. Who knows?? Maybe being more positive WOULD help us in our relationships (or lack thereof ). I don't know... I just don't know anymore...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It's funny... I'll talk a lot when I'm not in a relationship or in a not-great one, but when I'm finally in a good one, it's like I don't wanna say nothin'!

I just smile inside and go on about my business... it could be that privacy thing you mention.

I agree!! I definitely agree!

When you're in a GREAT relationship, there's really nothing to say! lol! You don't vent, mope, or cry to your girlfriends when things are going well. Haha! When things are "easy" because you're in a wonderful relationship, things just flow soooo smoothly, and you don't have to tell your girlfriends every single little detail.

I notice too that I tend to gab and talk and talk to my girlfriends when things are going BADLY with a guy. Maybe I should stop doing that! LOL!

When things are going well, I stay mum! Rotfl! Maybe it's because you don't want to ruin the "good feelings"? I don't know. Since you want things to stay good, you're afraid of really relishing the GOOD times I guess.

 

[Jade Feria]

Okay...in a way I DO agree with this whole-heartedly. What you focus on becomes your reality...blah blah blah BUT...has anyone actually ever experienced this?? Because I swear...I've tried the "be positive!" thing, and I still don't have a relationship. And the most recent one was a huge waste of my time. It really pained me and hurt me a lot. It will take a while getting over that one. You're still healing from that situation. That's what your focus is on, so you will not attract a better relationship until you are healed from the last one. It would help though to hear success stories of others who have changed their "love lives" around simply by being positive and happy. Girl, you know you answered your own question, right? This is what I'm saying..if we had more examples of the positive, it could serve as a model or inspiration for those of us who want better relationships.

IDK.... I was just thinking this today that I need to get out of the negative "funk" that I'm in. So, I agree with you. I just don't see anything changing....maybe that's why I'm so down.

I do appreciate the encouragement I get from the ladies on this board though.

But you're right...I could be more POSITIVE and post on more "positive threads". I think it would help change the "air" of the board a little. Who knows?? Maybe being more positive WOULD help us in our relationships (or lack thereof ). I don't know... I just don't know anymore...

I agree!! I definitely agree!

When you're in a GREAT relationship, there's really nothing to say! lol! You don't vent, mope, or cry to your girlfriends when things are going well. Haha! When things are "easy" because you're in a wonderful relationship, things just flow soooo smoothly, and you don't have to tell your girlfriends every single little detail.

I notice too that I tend to gab and talk and talk to my girlfriends when things are going BADLY with a guy. Maybe I should stop doing that! LOL! I concur!!!!

When things are going well, I stay mum! Rotfl! Maybe it's because you don't want to ruin the "good feelings"? I don't know. Since you want things to stay good, you're afraid of really relishing the GOOD times I guess.

The only way you would ruin the "good feelings, is if you feel bad about feeling good, if that makes sense. Sometimes we feel guilty, or feel like we "don't deserve" to have great results, so we end up sabotaging ourselves. The only way to keep the good feelings, is to be grateful for them, be grateful for our situations and healthy relationships, and acknowledge and be grateful for feeling good.

 

[gabulldawg]

I've just started posting most of my stuff about my relationship in my LHCF blog. I talk about good and bad, but mostly good! That way people don't have to read it if they don't want to. Most people probably don't check out the blogs on here anyway....

 

[KEIONI'S MOM]

Okay...in a way I DO agree with this whole-heartedly. What you focus on becomes your reality...blah blah blah BUT...has anyone actually ever experienced this?? Because I swear...I've tried the "be positive!" thing, and I still don't have a relationship. And the most recent one was a huge waste of my time. It really pained me and hurt me a lot. It will take a while getting over that one. It would help though to hear success stories of others who have changed their "love lives" around simply by being positive and happy.

IDK.... I was just thinking this today that I need to get out of the negative "funk" that I'm in. So, I agree with you. I just don't see anything changing....maybe that's why I'm so down.

I do appreciate the encouragement I get from the ladies on this board though.

But you're right...I could be more POSITIVE and post on more "positive threads". I think it would help change the "air" of the board a little. Who knows?? Maybe being more positive WOULD help us in our relationships (or lack thereof ). I don't know... I just don't know anymore...

Crystalicequeen123 - I can tell you I was where you were 7 months ago. At the middle of last yr I had just broken up with the JERK of a lifetime, did the online thing and met someone I thought was of substance major FAIL with that one then after I decided that I didn't want to be bothered with him I sat myself down and asked myself "what it is that you really want in a man"? I prayed and prayed and I was VERY specific as well then I left it in GOD's hands. I continued to work on me and love the skin I'm in then at the end of January I made a facebook account because my HS friends who I've kept in touch with kept hounding me to do so. I got a message and a friend request from my first boyfriend in HS. We messaged,talked and texted for a while. We met in person again after 5 yrs (I saw him on a trip but we really didn't talk) and we have been together ever since.

The thing that baffles me til this day is that EVERY SINGLE QUALITY that I prayed for he has it. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. We have known each other since we were 12 yrs old and now that we are both 34 we can appreciate the gift that GOD has given us to nurture and let grow in too something extra special. HTH

 

[Jade Feria]

Crystalicequeen123 - I can tell you I was where you were 7 months ago. At the middle of last yr I had just broken up with the JERK of a lifetime, did the online thing and met someone I thought was of substance major FAIL with that one then after I decided that I didn't want to be bothered with him I sat myself down and asked myself "what it is that you really want in a man"? I prayed and prayed and I was VERY specific as well then I left it in GOD's hands. I continued to work on me and love the skin I'm in then at the end of January I made a facebook account because my HS friends who I've kept in touch with kept hounding me to do so. I got a message and a friend request from my first boyfriend in HS. We messaged,talked and texted for a while. We met in person again after 5 yrs (I saw him on a trip but we really didn't talk) and we have been together ever since.

The thing that baffles me til this day is that EVERY SINGLE QUALITY that I prayed for he has it. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. We have known each other since we were 12 yrs old and now that we are both 34 we can appreciate the gift that GOD has given us to nurture and let grow in too something extra special. HTH

I DID THE SAME THING!! And I got the same results!

Crystalicequeen, you might want to try that. Figure out what you want. Make a list, and know that you have it already. Let go and God/the Universe work on it for you. Work on yourself in the meantime. It works!

 

[Radianthealth]

I always speak positively about my husband but I find myself holding back sometimes because I don't want to over do it or have people misinterpret my intentions.

I have seen people imply that when folks only have positive things to say they are either bragging, lying, or delusional. When I see positive posters I am happy for them and I believe what they have said is true...most often my experience has been similar to theirs *shrugs*

 

[Jade Feria]

Ladies, ladies!! Forget the haters! IIIII want to read your good news stories. I know there are others who would like to read about them as well. We wont think you're bragging!

 

[Bunny77]

Ladies, ladies!! Forget the haters! IIIII want to read your good news stories. I know there are others who would like to read about them as well. We wont think you're bragging!

LOL!

Actually, haters are the last things that I'm worried about... They can hate all day long, cause I'z happy!

It's more of a personal thing for ME... not wanting to jinx anything. I used to laugh at the idea of jinxes, but my mom said she's not even telling many of her close friends about this latest guy. One time, she told a good friend about a guy I was seeing, and after hearing only one detail, the friend was like, "Oh NO, he's all wrong for her!"

Funny thing is, yeah, he was wrong for me and I discovered that pretty quickly. But she didn't know anything about the guy and never even saw him and she had something bad to say! I just wonder about that negativity being put out there so early like that... and if the universe picks up on it... yeah...

 

[Highly Favored8]

All I can say is ITA OP ITA.

 

[hopeful]

ITA with the OP as well! I love the the relationship forum but sometimes the energy here gets so heavy, sad, depressing. Stick around here too long and you'll start believing EVERY man cheats and loves pornography. I can't even be exposed to all that negative energy. I know we are here to encourage and uplift and I am one of the first to do so but I think more of us should speak up about the wonderful men in our lives. Sometimes our words may be the only positive ones hurting sisters will hear. Sometimes all of their friends and family are negative, and everything they see is negative.

I understand Bunny's sentiments and would not be about my new boo. But dang a lot of us been married forever and trust and love our guys.

I'm putting it out there in the universe:
I's happy!
I's grateful!
My baby gets on my last nerve sometimes.
But most of the time I adore him and he me!
He is a gift from God.
Been married 22 years, looking forward to my 25th anniversary, and many many more!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Good post OP.

I tend to keep my happy home and its valuables to myself. Honestly, I operate off the premise that no news is good news. Therefore, if you hear no news, assume that it's all good over here.

 

[Jade Feria]

LOL!

Actually, haters are the last things that I'm worried about... They can hate all day long, cause I'z happy!

It's more of a personal thing for ME... not wanting to jinx anything. I used to laugh at the idea of jinxes, but my mom said she's not even telling many of her close friends about this latest guy. One time, she told a good friend about a guy I was seeing, and after hearing only one detail, the friend was like, "Oh NO, he's all wrong for her!"

Funny thing is, yeah, he was wrong for me and I discovered that pretty quickly. But she didn't know anything about the guy and never even saw him and she had something bad to say! I just wonder about that negativity being put out there so early like that... and if the universe picks up on it... yeah...

I think the whole "jinxing" thing is nothing more than negativity. If you think telling your friends will jinx your situation, all it is is this:

You meet this guy and the both of you are really into each other. You like it, you're happy. You tell a friend about your situation. She's programmed to find something wrong, and has never failed before at doing this (and you know this, you really do, but for some reason you tell her anyway), so she does and she tells you. You may brush her off, but now that she expressed her distaste, you have a little snowflake of doubt in your mind. That snowflake hits the hill and snowballs out of control and now your whole relationship is deaded.

You know which of your friends will be happy for you and which ones will look for something wrong. Only you, though, have the power to protect your thoughts and feelings, and whose opinions you allow to shape your state of mind. If you are happy in your situation, you have the power to deflect the negativity and maintain a strong relationship.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I DID THE SAME THING!! And I got the same results!

Crystalicequeen, you might want to try that. Figure out what you want. Make a list, and know that you have it already. Let go and God/the Universe work on it for you. Work on yourself in the meantime. It works!

Thanks Jade.

You know a few weeks ago I actually made a list for myself of qualities I would want my future boyfriend/husband to possess, and I have to admit, it was a very EYE-opening experience!! I'm SOOO glad I did it! It really put in the forefront of my mind what I wanted in a guy. I tried to focus only on what I wanted and not what I didn't want. I want to stay positive. So, it really helped me. I felt like everything was so CLEAR now.

But maybe I should also make a list for myself discussing what type of person I would need to be in order to attract a guy that possesses some qualities on my list.

In the meantime I'll try to continue to rely on God that he will bring me a good man for me.

Crystalicequeen123 - I can tell you I was where you were 7 months ago. At the middle of last yr I had just broken up with the JERK of a lifetime, did the online thing and met someone I thought was of substance major FAIL with that one then after I decided that I didn't want to be bothered with him I sat myself down and asked myself "what it is that you really want in a man"? I prayed and prayed and I was VERY specific as well then I left it in GOD's hands. I continued to work on me and love the skin I'm in then at the end of January I made a facebook account because my HS friends who I've kept in touch with kept hounding me to do so. I got a message and a friend request from my first boyfriend in HS. We messaged,talked and texted for a while. We met in person again after 5 yrs (I saw him on a trip but we really didn't talk) and we have been together ever since.

The thing that baffles me til this day is that EVERY SINGLE QUALITY that I prayed for he has it. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. We have known each other since we were 12 yrs old and now that we are both 34 we can appreciate the gift that GOD has given us to nurture and let grow in too something extra special. HTH

WOW!! Thanks for this Keioni!

Reading your story actually helps me out a LOT. I think just hearing from other women who have been through a bad break-up or heartbreak before, but have HEALED from it and have found BETTER men and relationships in their lives afterwards would be very uplifting. Since I'm going through somewhat of a hard time right now after a "breakup" or heartbreak, I think hearing from others and what they went through and how they finally overcame their heartache to find something/someone better would definitely be encouraging to me. Too bad we don't have a thread like that.

But yes...this helps out a LOT! It helps me not to give up during this particularly difficult time.

I think I just have to remember that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, and that the past does NOT equal my future. I will find another "love" that is better for me in the future. Right now I just need to focus more on healing and improving myself.

Thanks ladies!

 

[Jade Feria]

Thanks Jade.

You know a few weeks ago I actually made a list for myself of qualities I would want my future boyfriend/husband to possess, and I have to admit, it was a very EYE-opening experience!! I'm SOOO glad I did it! It really put in the forefront of my mind what I wanted in a guy. I tried to focus only on what I wanted and not what I didn't want. I want to stay positive. So, it really helped me. I felt like everything was so CLEAR now.

But maybe I should also make a list for myself discussing what type of person I would need to be in order to attract a guy that possesses some qualities on my list.

In the meantime I'll try to continue to rely on God that he will bring me a good man for me.
...

I think I just have to remember that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, and that the past does NOT equal my future. I will find another "love" that is better for me in the future. Right now I just need to focus more on healing and improving myself.

Thanks ladies!

Yes, it helps! Here's a tip though. In the list of qualities you wish for him to possess, don't refer to him as your 'future' bf/husband, or else it will always be in the future and not now. So cross out the word 'future'.

The list of what you should become to attract him - that is a GREAT idea! I did this as well.

Your past tells lies about your future

 

[KPH]

I know it bothers me at times when someone can say something so simple as "my dh/so had a flat tire and was late coming home from work"

Next thing you know is there are questions like: does your dh/so really have a job? was he with his woman? he's probably cheating? I would check the tire (LOL).

Why can't the man have a simple flat tire? Trust is a good thing.

 

[TayMac]

I love to hear the positive things..it's uplifting period and I just love any and all positive energy. I usually just read, nod my head and smile. It's all love...

As for the negative, I can relate to them as well because I've had some AWFUL relationships and I definitely have more to say in those threads because I hope that something said will help someone posting or just reading.

 

[KEIONI'S MOM]

Thanks Jade.

You know a few weeks ago I actually made a list for myself of qualities I would want my future boyfriend/husband to possess, and I have to admit, it was a very EYE-opening experience!! I'm SOOO glad I did it! It really put in the forefront of my mind what I wanted in a guy. I tried to focus only on what I wanted and not what I didn't want. I want to stay positive. So, it really helped me. I felt like everything was so CLEAR now.

But maybe I should also make a list for myself discussing what type of person I would need to be in order to attract a guy that possesses some qualities on my list.

In the meantime I'll try to continue to rely on God that he will bring me a good man for me.




WOW!! Thanks for this Keioni!

Reading your story actually helps me out a LOT. I think just hearing from other women who have been through a bad break-up or heartbreak before, but have HEALED from it and have found BETTER men and relationships in their lives afterwards would be very uplifting. Since I'm going through somewhat of a hard time right now after a "breakup" or heartbreak, I think hearing from others and what they went through and how they finally overcame their heartache to find something/someone better would definitely be encouraging to me. Too bad we don't have a thread like that.

But yes...this helps out a LOT! It helps me not to give up during this particularly difficult time.

I think I just have to remember that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, and that the past does NOT equal my future. I will find another "love" that is better for me in the future. Right now I just need to focus more on healing and improving myself.

Thanks ladies!

Your very welcome anytime. Girl I can tell you stories on the horrible experiences that I've had with men but through all of that I just continued to work on the woman I wanted to be loved life and knew that eventually there will be someone for me.

I know it's hard right now going through a break-up, feeling like what the hell is up and or just being lonely. I can suggest doing the things that you like too do and occupy yourself with YOU time, pray and keep an open mind/heart.

Yes, it helps! Here's a tip though. In the list of qualities you wish for him to possess, don't refer to him as your 'future' bf/husband, or else it will always be in the future and not now. So cross out the word 'future'.

The list of what you should become to attract him - that is a GREAT idea! I did this as well.

Your past tells lies about your future

ITA and also be as specific as you need to be with those qualities down too the physical and in the bedroom..........I asked for that too