Dominican09
New Member
by
Created Jun 29 2009 - 12:17pm
![]()
A century ago, a 16-year-old Irish girl reluctantly arrived on Ellis Island, betrothed to a much older pub owner about whom she knew nothing. In love with a boy from her village, Bridget was devastated to become a New World bride. And though her husband was a kind man who stayed with her until his death, they never became close. She often let slip her lingering bitterness.
One hundred years later, my own experience of single life in New York City could not have been more different. Bridget, my great-grandmother, had just one ship ride between adolescence and marriage; I've had 15 years of dating. Her life was charted for her, her own feelings and wishes irrelevant. I had nothing but feelings and wishes to guide me. I had plenty of enriching experiences, but I also felt by turns anxious, rejected, guilty about rejecting others, and just plain lonely. I could choose unwisely, and there'd be no one else to blame. Autonomy is great, but it is not without its burdens. My tale concludes more happily than Bridget's: I have the luxury of looking forward to a life with my true love.
Somewhere between Bridget's arranged marriage and my protracted floundering lies a vast middle ground of single life that can be navigated happily, with an eye toward one's ultimate goal: often, but not always, a committed partnership. It takes only a few principles of human nature, and insight into one's own desires. While there's clearly no formula for how to meet The One, psychologists agree on beliefs and strategies that inadvertently hold people back. This is not to say that the uncoupled are necessarily doing anything wrong; they may just not have stumbled into the right cafe at the right time.
Nonetheless, it's worth taking an inventory of your romantic life. The successful single will be willing to turn a non-defensive eye toward his or her own dating patterns. Here I explore a few romantic cul de sacs that many singles encounter.
Dating Shake-Up #1: Get Out the *%*#$&(*# Door
Lady luck can seat you next to a gorgeous stranger at an open-air jazz concert. Watching TV in your living room, however, hardly facilitates serendipitous encounters. Putting yourself out there is a prerequisite to curing the loneliness that settles over you when you spend too many nights in.
Maybe you dread getting overlooked by people you'd meet if you were socializing. Or perhaps you're afraid that if you do get into a relationship you'll be distracted from other important goals. Whatever the hesitation, online dating could be a good way to get to know who's out there while maintaining control and privacy. Still, if you want to partner up, you'll have to get out eventually.
Ask a trusted friend to act as social coordinator—and simply promise to show up. Talk to someone openly about your self-perceptions to see if they match others' ideas of who you are. Take on new work or extracurricular challenges to increase your self-esteem and your confidence that you can handle the pressures of the singles scene and are an attractive addition to it.
Dating Shake-Up #2: Cut out Choosiness—and Stop Choosing Poorly
Snapshot of the decision-making center of a twentysomething's mind at a dinner party: "The girl sitting next to Chris is friendly, and she's a politics geek, just like me. But there's that speed-dating thing at the brewery next week, plus I haven't written back to that blonde I met online last Thursday...."
Barry Schwartz, a professor of psychology at Swarthmore, has shown how gluts of products paralyze consumers, and he's convinced that dating overload can similarly hamstring singles. "The temptation to not choose is great in a world where there is a large number of options," Schwartz says. He advises shoppers to settle on "good enough" purchases, but finds it much harder to convince singles to apply the strategy to their love lives. "People think they need to find the absolute 'best' romantic partner for them," Schwartz says. "But I believe that making a commitment is an act of faith. If you wait until you're sure, you'll die alone."
Even if you're not too picky, you may consistently fall for people who aren't right for you. You're attracted to bad boys or girls—a shot of adrenaline into a routine-filled life, but a letdown when you need a dependable companion. Or you gravitate toward quiet types, but soon enough feel frustrated with their lack of verbal input.
We learn how to relate to people through our family members and other significant relationships in early life. Sometimes those relationships aren't easy or healthy, but they are what we know. We may have even developed a role to fit into our clan—say, the overachiever or the peacemaker. Say you were the charmer in your home, the one who pulled everyone else out of dour moods. If you were to meet a man who needed constant bucking up, you'd be comfortable and quite effective. But just because the arrangement would feel comfortable and familiar doesn't mean he'd be a great partner who could support you emotionally.
You may even be attracted to particular people out of a desire, conscious or not, to rewrite bad endings. Chicago therapist Wendy Wasson recalls a patient who had a critical, judgmental father. The patient began dating someone who was accepting at first. But when he became distant and negative, she was suddenly desperate to please him. She wasn't consciously aware that her boyfriend shared traits with her father, but Wasson helped her see that on some level she was trying to rework that family dynamic by winning the man over.
If you're not sure whether you have a misguided yen for a certain type, list your past sweethearts' prominent traits. While you're at it, write down ten qualities that describe your ideal relationship. Instead of a grocery list of what you want in another person (blue eyes, likes hockey), this should detail what you value and what you most want someone else to bring out in you (we would hold each other to our goals, we would laugh frequently).
Psychologist M.P. Wylie, a relationships coach, puts clients through this exercise to remind them that all pairings are a pas de deux of personalities. It also encourages people to separate real deal-breakers (doesn't want kids) from nitpicky requirements that might screen out true love. You say you require a college grad, but what if you meet an ambitious autodidact who doesn't have that piece of paper? He or she might fulfill your desire for a partnership that fosters intellectual growth, even though the person wouldn't meet your checklist.
Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com