Single Ladies... Man Hunting -Is it really this serious?
- Thread starter ebonyhair
- Start date
BrooklynSouth
New Member
Nah, not that serious..this coming from a woman who has been divorced and single for the last 20 years
..serious if you want it to be-my UPS guy is cute as a button but he's always on the run
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..serious if you want it to be-my UPS guy is cute as a button but he's always on the run.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
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comike
Well-Known Member
Hmm....I prefer to be pursued rather than being the pursuer, which involves strategically placing yourself in places where the types of men you prefer like to frequent or basically, getting out and doing things you enjoy doing and meeting a nice guy in the process. For instance, I love sports so I've been lucky to meet quite a few men at sporting events. I love charity work and have even met a few guys at charity events I'm either attending or volunteering for. But like I said, I enjoy being pursued. There's someting unnatural for me to pursueing or hunt down men.
skatergurljubulee
New Member
I don't think so. I think when you're ready to be out there again, you'll find what works best for you and your lifestyle and do that. If you aren't a clubber, why go to a club to meet a man? Then you're all surprised when he wants to go out and you're not into it, and he doesn't get it. (hypothetical, of course).
I met someone that was on the same road that I was on. We were both driving at the same speed. I'm a home body as well. So after initially meeting him (we're both former music majors- met at a music conference my school was hosting), we talked on the phone and IMed eachother and emailed constantly with a little chatting in chatrooms on the side. It was a natural progression. So now, five plus years down the way, we enjoy each other's company and have no qualms staying in the house.
I've been in relationships where the SO and I didn't mesh like that (he couldn't understand how I loved reading so much that I'd rather stay in on a saturday night with an LA Banks book than go out partying to the early hours of dawn - I love books. Plain and simple) and though we were in a great relationship, we found that we wanted seperate things in life. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But why go through all that when you can just set your expectations to how you are now?
So, I guess my advice would be, when deciding to date keep in mind where you look for the man. Yes, locations don't explain him, but they are an inkling into where he's at in life. Don't get mad if you meet a wonderful man in the library (where you see him on the regular basis) only to find out he detests clubs. A clue that he was like that would be in the obsessive library patronage. lol
This is rambling, but I hope this helps! If not, just ignore it. lol
I met someone that was on the same road that I was on. We were both driving at the same speed. I'm a home body as well. So after initially meeting him (we're both former music majors- met at a music conference my school was hosting), we talked on the phone and IMed eachother and emailed constantly with a little chatting in chatrooms on the side. It was a natural progression. So now, five plus years down the way, we enjoy each other's company and have no qualms staying in the house.
I've been in relationships where the SO and I didn't mesh like that (he couldn't understand how I loved reading so much that I'd rather stay in on a saturday night with an LA Banks book than go out partying to the early hours of dawn - I love books. Plain and simple) and though we were in a great relationship, we found that we wanted seperate things in life. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But why go through all that when you can just set your expectations to how you are now?
So, I guess my advice would be, when deciding to date keep in mind where you look for the man. Yes, locations don't explain him, but they are an inkling into where he's at in life. Don't get mad if you meet a wonderful man in the library (where you see him on the regular basis) only to find out he detests clubs. A clue that he was like that would be in the obsessive library patronage. lol
This is rambling, but I hope this helps! If not, just ignore it. lol
As a fellow prefer-to-be-homebody no, I dont hunt for men. But have you heard the expression
"God feeds the Birds, but they have to leave the nest for it?"
that means you get out there and the rest is taken care of.
same thing. Just get out and BE out. That can mean taking your time grocery shopping, going IN the bank to do your banking instead of doing everything through the drive-in banking window, etc.
you don't have to do any hunting or looking. But no one can see you in your house to approach you. if someone sees you in your house and then approaches RUN RUN FAR AWAY
"God feeds the Birds, but they have to leave the nest for it?"
that means you get out there and the rest is taken care of.
same thing. Just get out and BE out. That can mean taking your time grocery shopping, going IN the bank to do your banking instead of doing everything through the drive-in banking window, etc.
you don't have to do any hunting or looking. But no one can see you in your house to approach you. if someone sees you in your house and then approaches RUN RUN FAR AWAY
miss Congeniality
New Member
I don't see it as hunting a man, just that you are casting a wider net.
Bunny77
New Member
Yeah, I didn't get the impression that the OP's friend was chasing and pursuing dudes. She's just going to more places where dudes might be so that she could have a better chance of being pursued by one.
To each her own, but I'd rather a woman who wants to have a partner do this instead of sit at home and complain about being single or "wait" on Mr. Right to drop out of the sky.
If something isn't working for you, switch it up!
This is where I'm at too - doing things I enjoy and meeting people who share my interests. If I meet a guy I'm attracted to that's the cherry on top.. For me it's ideal just to get out there and live your life to the fullest - so you have enriching experiences with or without an SO and your social life doesn't end up revolving around the "hunt."
I gotta have balance or it becomes an ego thing - I end up getting too invested in whether some guy is the "one" or paying me attention and it makes me feel insecure, which isn't attractive at all.
Bunny77
New Member
Well, I have read quite a few relationship books, and there are a few that have suggested these EXACT things that your friend has done. If I didn't know better, it sounds like she followed the plan written in these books to the letter. The matchmaking thing, passing on a man that's not right for them to another friend, telling people that they're single, going to places to meet eligible men... all are tips that MANY of these writers recommended and that they used themselves to meet their husbands.
I found it interesting too that the women writing these types of books were white, while the women writing the books about making the most of singleness were black. The white writers believed in a strong, proactive approach and even said that if you really want a husband and are having trouble finding one, then you need to treat your search for one like a second job. (Sorry, I went off on a tangent there...)
Now, I'm not saying that this is the best plan for everyone, but in their cases, they didn't care about certain people thinking they were desperate... and in the end, they got their man.
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BlackHairDiva
Well-Known Member
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
You don't have to be desperate and on the prowl, and you don't have to join professional dating services to meet men. You can meet single men at the grocery store, supermarket, markers market, at the bank, at the gym, at the laundromat, while dropping your kid off to school or daycare, in the course of your normal activities. Men are everywhere!!
But there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and like the other poster said, casting a wider net. If you're not meeting interesting and suitable men through your regular activities, then by all means, CAST A WIDER NET.
But there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and like the other poster said, casting a wider net. If you're not meeting interesting and suitable men through your regular activities, then by all means, CAST A WIDER NET.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
Men do not usually fall out of the sky.
If you want to meet someone, you have to go somewhere and DO. SOMETHING. Online services have worked out great for some people, other people have met their dh while they were out enjoying life: going to plays, participating in the local adult soccer club, going to book signings at the borders.
If you want to meet someone, you have to go somewhere and DO. SOMETHING. Online services have worked out great for some people, other people have met their dh while they were out enjoying life: going to plays, participating in the local adult soccer club, going to book signings at the borders.
NeeSee
New Member
Very good post. You made some excellent points.
cheetarah1980
Well-Known Member
I was just talking about this with my date last night. White women don't have this "if I get married" mentality. They KNOW that they're gonna be married and behave as such. There is NO shame in their game about making their intentions crystal clear. It seems to work too because their marriage rates are astronomically higher than ours. Maybe we could and SHOULD take a page out of their book. I know I am. My love life has picked up considerably too.
The 'see and be seen' method is working for me.
My mom yelled that I was going to be '35 and on the couch' if I didn't get out and DO SOMETHING. It made me so angry!
The next week, I went to a networking event (turned out to be a fraternity alumni thing as well, which I didn't know) and met the current guy.
Get out and like the other ladies said, cast that net.
My mom yelled that I was going to be '35 and on the couch' if I didn't get out and DO SOMETHING. It made me so angry!
The next week, I went to a networking event (turned out to be a fraternity alumni thing as well, which I didn't know) and met the current guy.
Get out and like the other ladies said, cast that net.
bluediamond0829
Well-Known Member
ITA with what some of the other ladies. I believe in getting out and doing what you enjoy. Dont make it a forced thing though, that the ONLY reason why your going out is to meet a man. Men can smell desperation and see desperation a mile away. I used to go out with some Sorors and just one in particular when we would go to a club just by a man dancing with her she would get all this information from him and then get disappointed because she finds out he has kids and is about to get a divorce etc etc. I'm like first of all we are at a club/bar of all places do you have to look so desperate to seek a man. Can you just have fun and enjoy yourself and stop being on the prowl. And thats the problem majority of the women in there were on the prowl so worried about who and what this person came with and was married to. I'm like go and network and have fun.
I mean in certain places i go i do end up meeting men or getting to meet the man down the line but if i feel down the line we dont match oh well dont put so much emphasis on it. Its not something that you did its something that he is either lying about or hes just not the right person or fit. Keep it moving.
But i dont believe in being on the prowl definetly for any man. Have fun and dont force it. Just go out to enjoy yourself at places you enjoy going because if you go places you dont enjoy going then it will be obvious.
I mean in certain places i go i do end up meeting men or getting to meet the man down the line but if i feel down the line we dont match oh well dont put so much emphasis on it. Its not something that you did its something that he is either lying about or hes just not the right person or fit. Keep it moving.
But i dont believe in being on the prowl definetly for any man. Have fun and dont force it. Just go out to enjoy yourself at places you enjoy going because if you go places you dont enjoy going then it will be obvious.
Bunny77
New Member
I definitely think that some women don't get the concept and can look desperate when they attempt to meet men. That's why I don't like the term "man-hunting" to describe what the OP's friends are doing... to me, if you're hoping to find a mate, the goal should simply be to cast a wide net and meet as many men as possible, but not to start sniffing out any male specimen who happens to show the slightest bit of interest (like your soror did with the man who asked her to dance).
That's definitely desperation, and like you said, men can sense that.
As for me, I have told some friends that I'm interested in meeting nice guys and if they know anyone to definitely think about me. I've met a few guys that way... nothing happened with them, and that was okay... and when I met the guys, I didn't go in thinking, "This might be the ONE! Ooh!" But I was happy to have the opportunity to meet another person.
It's all in how you do it... be open, even be proactive and look for opportunities to meet a lot of new people, but don't push it by looking like you're on a "hunt."
Lovelylife
New Member
Well it's about being at the right place at the right time. That's how I met my friends also. Can't meet them if your at home.
