Should I still Date him?????

Also bear in mind that he told you, he could have kept his secret got a divorce and you would never have known.

Do what you think is best, it sounds like you already have
 
It's not ideal but I wouldn't see this as a dealbreaker. He sounds awesome and his character seems admirable if anything. Sometimes the perfect package isn't always wrapped up in the most pretty paper. The fact that he is being honest with you speaks volumes. He could have shut his arse up and you would have been none the wiser.
Don't cross him off your list yet OP
 
SvelteVelvet said:
Try to get him to bring his friend/legal wife to dinner or somewhere so you all could talk and you can gauge the situation. You MUST meet this woman. If he shirks on that for one excuse or another I'd suggest you start re-envisioning your future without him it.
.
Click to expand...

Great idea. :yep:
 
Thanks for the update, OP. I dunno, the original post made me think of the Shoehorn/Tip of the Spear Technique that guys pull. First they wait till you are all googly eyed :love: over them.

Then comes, "Oh I have this unique situation. You will probably leave me over it" (complete with hangdog expression, which invites the woman to say "oh, maybe not, I'm so understanding :blah: )

So he says the most watered down, made innocent-sounding version of the situation.
"I'm married, but it was only for her papers."
"I have a record, but it was for civil disobedience."
"I never graduated, but I'm 2 credits shy."
"She says it's my baby, and I have proof that it isn't, but she filed CS on me anyway."

So the woman says oh, well, it isn't ideal, but I can cope with that.

Time passes, she gets more and more in love.

Then the man comes with another confession.
"Well, we married for the papers but we did kiss once or twice."
"I also got arrested for Breaking and Entering, but it wasn't me, I lied to protect a friend."
"I am actually a year shy of my degree. But I have the GED!"
"It turns out I am the father, but she is still a sleazy ho. It could have been anyone's."

And the woman chokes down his new version.

Then, before you know it... the woman finds out the WHOLE TRUTH.

He is married, to a woman he professed to love, and she has borne him multiple children. The new woman was actually a sidepiece, and has wasted her youth on someone else's husband.

He is a criminal, with multiple convictions, some of them for horrible crimes. This is especially common with sex crimes. (Eta: I remember a poster on here sharing about her sister's bf who was listed on the sex-crimes registry as a pedophile. He told some :violin: song and dance about how the girl was just a day under the age limit but lied to him about her age, :rolleyes: and he got her pregnant after only doing it one time :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:, and he was going to marry her :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: but her mother was evil and called the cops on him. :rolleyes:x10k. And this woman, a MOTHER, accepted his story :spinning::spinning::spinning::spinning: :nono::nono::nono::nono: )

He is a semi-literate dropout with zero earning potential and no prospects. AND he resents his woman for being more educated than him, so he feels the need to "bring her down a peg."

He has multiple children, that he refuses to support. Sometimes, by the time a woman finds that out, she is babymama #4.

So when the FIRST red flag pops up... :cowgirl: it's time to dip. :imo: Because you don't want to waste your time and emotions on a man who is slowly easing you into swallowing some BS that you would never stand for if he came out with it all at once.
 
Last edited:
I know alot of people in my family that have done this so I will not judge but I do know when you're young you make mistakes. And it looks like he trying to "correct" this mistake.

However, I would not a divorced man. So it would be a lose-lose for me.
 
Check public court records on the divorce for yourself. 3 yrs doesn't seem to be a long time to have been married, gotten her papers and a divorce. You know how these things can get drawn out. Make sure that everything is as he said based on the records & with her too.
 
itsjusthair88 said:
Wow...these responses sadden me; so many people come to this country for a better life and then the system puts them through the ringer, takes their tax money and then kicks them out. So he helped his friend with her life's ambitions, big whoop. If he's as amazing as OP says he is, he should have no problem producing homegirl for validity and then getting his divorce together. OP, please examine your heart as well as your conscience...I have personally been through the United States Immigration system and you know what? It's not as easy or cut-and-dry as people think it is; so it is what it is...just my humble opinion
Click to expand...

Thanks was not enough!!!! OP, this happens all of the time. Perhaps many of the previous responders don't live in West Indian/ immigrant communities or have West Indian/ immigrant friends who've gone through the process.

I certainly would not count him out because he helped a friend, but I would wait until he was divorced. That's a huge sacrifice to make and it should actually count positively toward his character.
 
JinaRicci said:
Check public court records on the divorce for yourself. 3 yrs doesn't seem to be a long time to have been married, gotten her papers and a divorce. You know how these things can get drawn out. Make sure that everything is as he said based on the records & with her too.
Click to expand...

Have you ever been through the adjustment of status process? After submission of adjustment of status paperwork, you can have a temporary green card in 4 months. 21 months after that, you can apply for the permanent green card. It's very possible for this to be done in 3 years.
 
sikora said:
Thanks was not enough!!!! OP, this happens all of the time. Perhaps many of the previous responders don't live in West Indian/ immigrant communities or have West Indian/ immigrant friends who've gone through the process.

I certainly would not count him out because he helped a friend, but I would wait until he was divorced. That's a huge sacrifice to make and it should actually count positively toward his character.
Click to expand...


Yes we are both West Indian. I am familiar with the whole marriage for business since it happens a lot. But I always told myself that I will not take part in any of it. Even after being aprroached a few times (even offered to pay me $) to marry someone so they can get a green card, I never agreed to it. Its is just now I found someone who I care about that is currently in this situation. I'm still dealing with it cause I miss him terribly. But once things are finalized on his end. I will re-visit the idea on getting back with him or not.
 
sikora said:
Have you ever been through the adjustment of status process? After submission of adjustment of status paperwork, you can have a temporary green card in 4 months. 21 months after that, you can apply for the permanent green card. It's very possible for this to be done in 3 years.
Click to expand...


You are right they process on getting a green card is not that complicated like some people think it is. They are close to being married 3 years and she already received her green card earlier this year.
 
OP-if he genuinely cares for you he will have no problem showing you copies of the divorce he has filled for. He can even go as far as arranging for you to meet the other lady to verify his story. If he can provide these proofs then I wouldn't judge him based on what he did for his friend. It's very easy for people to say I'd never blah blah blah because they have never been faced with the situation. I say give him a chance.
 
Op can you meet the lady?
Can you see the divorce papers that he filed?
Can you see any legal documentations to verify his story? I am not going to judge, but he should be able to provide some sort of paperwork to help you verify and feel trusting and comfortable with the situation. And if this is the real thing, Congratulations.
 
I'd want to know how long these divorce proceedings have been in place. Were the divorce papers filed before you guys met? If not, I'd questoin whether or not he is being completely truthful. If lets say he started the proceedings months prior to you guys meeting then he may be telling the truth.

Here in Maryland we have or judicial cases online and anyone can do a search for free. It shows everything from moving violations, divorce cases, child support, criminal cases etc.... If I were you (and if you are really feeling this guy) I'd do a little sleuthing to check into his background.
 
sikora said:
Have you ever been through the adjustment of status process? After submission of adjustment of status paperwork, you can have a temporary green card in 4 months. 21 months after that, you can apply for the permanent green card. It's very possible for this to be done in 3 years.
Click to expand...

Yes- for that part of the process to be done. I was questioning whether that and the finalized divorce could be done within 3 yrs. My understanding is that you still have to be married when you file for the non-conditional green card 2 yrs after your temporary card.


karebear0610 said:
You are right they process on getting a green card is not that complicated like some people think it is. They are close to being married 3 years and she already received her green card earlier this year.
Click to expand...

OP- I wish you all the best. My caution is only that you check this out for yourself by searching public records since all the info you have is what he has told you. If he is truthful, then it can't hurt. Good luck.
 
rabs77 said:
OP-if he genuinely cares for you he will have no problem showing you copies of the divorce he has filled for. He can even go as far as arranging for you to meet the other lady to verify his story. If he can provide these proofs then I wouldn't judge him based on what he did for his friend. It's very easy for people to say I'd never blah blah blah because they have never been faced with the situation. I say give him a chance.
Click to expand...

I agree with Rabs77, my family is from the caribbean and west africa and I'm very familiar with the process of people marrying for green cards. This was not a union of love or divine holy matrimony. It's not like he met a woman, fell in love and professed his undying love for her by asking her to be his wife. According to him, he had a friend in need and he helped her get her green card so she can live the "American dream". As long as you can meet this woman, check court records to prove his story then I see nothing wrong with continuing this relationship with him.
 
even if they get divorced he will be responsible for any debt she incurs for the next 10 years or so. why put yourself in that mess?
 
I wish he would have told you before you caught feelings for him. My adive would be to put some distance between you two. If he is telling the truth he will show up with divorce papers someday.
 
I am sorry but this for me would be a complete and utter deal breaker...he broke the law, lied to me by omission about being married and O yeah, he is married....I dont think so. Goodluck OP in whatever you decide to do but like a previous poster said before, the fact he doesnt respect the institution of marriage and takes it so lightly would be a huge red flag PLUS even if he did it for free, how good a friend is this and if they are such good friends and are already married, precisely what is the nature of their relationship?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top