Should I let it go? Advice needed! (kind of long)

[winnettag]

Ok, so I met my last/only SO 5 years ago at HU in October. We were unseparable until the end of December when he had to go to officer training school in Alabama. He flew me down there to visit and when he finished he moved to a base in Ohio, a seven hr drive away from the DC area, but we still visited each other pretty regularly. Then I had to move back to CA (he’s from Los Angeles) and we hardly ever saw each other because it got so much more expensive and time consuming. So basically, we were always in a long distance relationship. I decided the long distance thing wasn’t working for me anymore and I called him and broke it off. This was after about 1.5 years and it was my first serious relationship, my first love. That was July 2006.

Anyway, I told him over a year ago that we couldn’t be friends because of the feelings I still have for him and he agreed not to contact me anymore so that I could try to move on emotionally. That worked for about 3 months then he said he wanted me to be a part of his life, blah, blah, blah and I fell for it so we started talking again and the feelings haven’t gone away and I compare everyone to him.

Fast forward to now after I realized how good I had it and haven’t had a boyfriend since…and hardly any dates either. I’ve told him how I felt and that I know I made a mistake and want to get back together but he said “nothing has changed” since I broke up with him, which is true except that I think I’m ready to handle the distance now (he’s been living in Baghdad for about a year now) He’s only been back to visit once for 2 weeks and he flew me out to Vegas to spend a weekend with him. The rest of the time he mostly spent with family. He says he still loves me and always will. He said we should “compromise’ and just “date” instead of being in a relationship.
My SIL says this is what I get for breaking up with him and that it’s going to take a lot of work for me to make him feel that I won’t up and do the same thing to him again.

So, what I want to know is should I still try to pursue this or should I try to let it go (cease all contact like I already tried to do) and move on with my life?

 

[SimpleBrooklyn]

it is clear that you want to be with him. I think you should try the compromise, but only if you are serious.

 

[discobiscuits]

i agree w/ ur SIL in that he is gun shy. i'd let it go or tell him relationship or just friends, no "compromise" dating.

 

[-Volare]

So basically you dumped him solely because you didn't like the LD thing or was there something else? And are you sure you're getting back with him because you genuinely like him or because (for right now) there's no one else around? Since you haven't said anything bad about him, I'm gonna assume he's a good guy, it sounds like he doesn't trust you/your emotions.

BUT, If you like him and you really think it's worth it then I say go for it. Obviously you feel something if you're willing to commit to a man who lives far away like that. Just make sure you're ready this time (I noticed you put "I think I'm ready").

And by "just date" does that mean basically you can see other people while you're dating each other, or does it just mean you're in a relationship without the title?

Depending on how you answer, that could mean either:

1.) He doesn't trust you like I said.
2.) He still likes you but NOW wants to test the waters with other people.

But since he flew you out to Vegas, #2 is doubtful IMO.

 

[winnettag]

it is clear that you want to be with him. I think you should try the compromise, but only if you are serious.

I am serious, but I wonder if he is. I wish I knew what his intentions are.

So basically you dumped him solely because you didn't like the LD thing or was there something else? And are you sure you're getting back with him because you genuinely like him or because (for right now) there's no one else around? Since you haven't said anything bad about him, I'm gonna assume he's a good guy, it sounds like he doesn't trust you/your emotions.

BUT, If you like him and you really think it's worth it then I say go for it. Obviously you feel something if you're willing to commit to a man who lives far away like that. Just make sure you're ready this time (I noticed you put "I think I'm ready").

And by "just date" does that mean basically you can see other people while you're dating each other, or does it just mean you're in a relationship without the title?

Depending on how you answer, that could mean either:

1.) He doesn't trust you like I said.
2.) He still likes you but NOW wants to test the waters with other people.

But since he flew you out to Vegas, #2 is doubtful IMO.

He's a great guy and a gentleman. The ONLY reason for the break up was the LD. But now I see that having a great guy a million miles away is better than having a mediocre guy or a dog that lives next door.
I've had plenty of opportunites in the last 3 years but they just didn't measure up to him.
I actually haven't clarified what exactly he means by "just date" but I'm assuming that we're technically free to see other people but neither of us would like it and wouldn't want to hear about it. I'll ask him about that to be sure.

 

[discobiscuits]

Depending on how you answer, that could mean either:

1.) He doesn't trust you like I said.
2.) He still likes you but NOW wants to test the waters with other people.

IMO.

yeah, what she said.

he does not trust you AND he wants to test the waters.

I am serious, but I wonder if he is. I wish I knew what his intentions are.



He's a great guy and a gentleman. The ONLY reason for the break up was the LD. But now I see that having a great guy a million miles away is better than having a mediocre guy or a dog that lives next door.
I've had plenty of opportunites in the last 3 years but they just didn't measure up to him.
I actually haven't clarified what exactly he means by "just date" but I'm assuming that we're technically free to see other people but neither of us would like it and wouldn't want to hear about it. I'll ask him about that to be sure.

ask him about his intentions.

hindsight is always 20/20. if he was in love w/u back then, he will not want to get with you now b/c you hurt him, he can't trust you and you broke his heart.

get him to clarify "just date" but i can tell you w/o you asking: just date = just sex/FWB/dating without exclusivity and without commitment until he finds someone better.

again i say, move on.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Hmmm I think in this situation now is the time for you to follow his lead ......if you can.

From what you wrote you ended things with him soley because you couldn't handle a LD relationship and just like he said....the situation hasn't changed because it will still be a LD relationship. From what you wrote he's in the military so there are going to be MANY times he simply can't be there .
So I think you should just let him build up his trust for you again. I'm sure he doesn't want to invest more time in you either only to find you can't handle it....again. Best of luck.

 

[sistagirlfriend]

Hey SIL,

It's me again!! I really like him because you love him but i believe that you should take this time to spread your wings instead of pining over someone that is not making his intention clear. When you love a man or when you have found someone that you really want to be with, do you leave him with all this doubt and insecurity so he does not know what is going on??! I think not sweetie. I feel when someone is ready to be in a relationship they will make sure that you know their intentions. You are dynamic, sexy and a fantastic catch for any man so you just need to remind him and yourself who he is dealing with. Get yourself a brand new sexy dress, some " to die for" shoes and get out and meet new people. Take a cruise and start enjoying being single. Being single is what you make of it. Being single does not have to mean being lonely. You have us and we love you dearly. I realize it's not the same but you just have to do your single time before you find "Mr. Right" so why not enjoy it to the fullest!!

Girl, take control, put him in the "friend zone", keep all your options open and maybe he will see that you are having a fantastic time without him and want to join in the committed relationship fun because everyone make mistakes and you are worth the commitment!

Love you,
SIL

 

[winnettag]

Hey SIL,

It's me again!! I really like him because you love him but i believe that you should take this time to spread your wings instead of pining over someone that is not making his intention clear. When you love a man or when you have found someone that you really want to be with, do you leave him with all this doubt and insecurity so he does not know what is going on??! I think not sweetie. I feel when someone is ready to be in a relationship they will make sure that you know their intentions. You are dynamic, sexy and a fantastic catch for any man so you just need to remind him and yourself who he is dealing with. Get yourself a brand new sexy dress, some " to die for" shoes and get out and meet new people. Take a cruise and start enjoying being single. Being single is what you make of it. Being single does not have to mean being lonely. You have us and we love you dearly. I realize it's not the same but you just have to do your single time before you find "Mr. Right" so why not enjoy it to the fullest!!

Girl, take control, put him in the "friend zone", keep all your options open and maybe he will see that you are having a fantastic time without him and want to join in the committed relationship fun because everyone make mistakes and you are worth the commitment!

Love you,
SIL

Thanks SIL. We'll see what happens.

 

[lux10023]

he suggested to just date--i dont think he is that into you anymore

and SIL gave great advice

stay strong and move on..

 

[newbiemom]

I think you should kim. I'm not saying never talk to the guy again but step back from the situation and go explore. If it is meant to be then it will happen but if not don't put yourself in a position were he has all the cards and your waiting with bated breath. Go out enjoy and if your still interested when/if he comes around entertain the idea then.

 

[Kerryann]

This just date business means he does care for you but he most likely is seeing someone else honey because no one would want the person they care about and love dating other people.

Babes its a lost cause if you guys were meant to be it will happen again but its not right now. Enjoy yourself and stop comparing people to him its just not going to work with any relationship you have if you keep doing this.

You are not giving yourself a chance to meet a decent guy get out have fun and dont go looking for anybody that person will find you

 

[aribell]

It doesn't seem like there would be much purpose to you all "just dating," as you were already more that at one point in time and you want more than that now. Whatever his reasons are, if he's not gung ho about the relationship I agree with the others that you should chalk it up to a mistake that you ended your relationship with him in the first place and move forward with your life.