Should I let him go, or should I stick around until he gets himself together?

[iamtan]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I'm 26 and he's 23. I am at the point of my life where I would like to get married and have some babies already. However, he is still in school with a part-time job. As for me, I graduated college and I am starting on my career. I'm not sure if I should wait on him or find someone else that wants the same things that I want in life. I don't want to rush my boyfriend and I do love him very much but I don't know if I want to wait for him. Our schedules always conflict with each other, so I only see him once a week (even though we live in the same neighborhood). I don't know if I should go on with him. Any advice or suggestions?


Thanks,

 

[Evolving78]

you need to move on. he still needs time to grow and achieve the things he wants to do. you clearly knew this beforehand. i mean look where you were and where he was when you hooked up in the beginning. if you still around, you will start nagging and pressuring this man into something he may not be ready for.

give him a chance to grow at his own pace.

 

[chronicity]

What has he told he wants to do? I don't have enough information to tell you what to do, but if y'all haven't talked about what future plans and marriage, you should do that now.

 

[KiWiStyle]

you need to move on. he still needs time to grow and achieve the things he wants to do. you clearly knew this beforehand. i mean look where you were and where he was when you hooked up in the beginning. if you still around, you will start nagging and pressuring this man into something he may not be ready for.

give him a chance to grow at his own pace.

I agree with shortdub wholeheartedly. Follow your gut, I think you already know, just looking for confirmation. Very few men are ready to settle down and have a family at age 23, just think of him as really being more like 20 yrs old because guys mature much slower than women.

Do you really want to marry and start a family with a boy? Studies have shown that our brains aren't fully mature until age 25, so your boyfriend isn't even equipped to process the lifestyle you are asking for; mentally or financially. You need to get your hands on Steve Harvey's book, "Think Like a Man, Act like a Lady". I bought and read this book just to see what Steve has to say and to support him, I'm already married to a "Man", not to be confused with "Boy". I promise you, everything Steve says is the honest truth, that's why men hate him now, he showed us their cards. If a man is genuinely interested and totally into you, he will go to the end of earth to make time for you and have you ALL the time. Move on girlfriend and stop letting this man blocker stand in the way of your real love. READ THE BOOK!!

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[4bslbound]

He is three years younger than you, in all fairness he is three years "behind". If you two have a great relationship and he is a good guy, then it may be worth compromising for.

There is no guarantee you will find a better or more ready guy if you just broke up with him and started looking. Give it a while if you truly care about him and allow him the opporunity to assess his goals and discuss them with you.

 

[C@ssandr@]

From what it sounds like you really want a baby, but not necessarily with him...if you feel like someone else is better suited at this time for whatever reason then it's clear that you need to move on.

I wouldn't let your clock make the main decisions for you though....Imho...

 

[KiWiStyle]

If OP is happy waiting for her BF, I don't think she would be here writing about it. There is no guarantee he'll marry her and have children if she waits either. What if he decides you aren't the one for him 2,3,4, 5 years from now? What commitment has he offered you to give you reason to wait other than, being his girlfriend? Three years is more than enough time to know where the relationship is going and to have goals and work towards them. If you haven't discussed engagement, marriage, children...a life together then you either need to have this discussion if you haven't already or move on. I don't know why women feel they need to settle for less than what you want and have no standards (not you OP). Then we wonder why our "boyfriends" are not living up to our expectations. Love is only one aspect of a relationship and that alone won't cut it.

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[iamtan]

Update: I ask him about us in the future and he said that he wants to do the marrying thing but he cannot devote his time to me because of school and work. I told him that because of our conflicting schedules and because we both want different things at the moment, we should break up. We will definitely remain friends because I do love him and I know he loves me. If we want the same things in life in the future and If he wants the same things I want, we could give in another try. In the meantime, we both will be free to do whatever we want.

Thank you very much for your suggestions ladies.

I appreciate it very much.

 

[KiWiStyle]

Update: I ask him about us in the future and he said that he wants to do the marrying thing but he cannot devote his time to me because of school and work. I told him that because of our conflicting schedules and because we both want different things at the moment, we should break up. We will definitely remain friends because I do love him and I know he loves me. If we want the same things in life in the future and If he wants the same things I want, we could give in another try. In the meantime, we both will be free to do whatever we want.

Thank you very much for your suggestions ladies.

I appreciate it very much.

Good for you iamtan. I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted but like you said, maybe it will later when you're both ready. The same thing happened with my step-son and his live-in girlfriend. Both are college educated and have excellent careers but she was ready to at least be engaged and to know the relationship is going somewhere. My step son gives her the world, you imagine it, she has it...except the one thing she really want, a promise of marriage and children. They split up last year and vowed to remain friends with benefits and he still take very good care of her because he really does love her and she will most likely be his wife one day. The thing is, she was in the way of him wanting to meet and be with other women so in the meantime, he just places her on a shelf until he gets things out of his system. OP, I'm not saying this is the case with your BF because he may truly want to focus on getting his academic and professional careers in order. Just be sure you're not being gently placed on a shelf. Good luck.

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[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I, though, was thinking he probably wanted to get things out of his system as well as not having interference from his academics.

 

[4bslbound]

If OP is happy waiting for her BF, I don't think she would be here writing about it. There is no guarantee he'll marry her and have children if she waits either. What if he decides you aren't the one for him 2,3,4, 5 years from now? What commitment has he offered you to give you reason to wait other than, being his girlfriend? Three years is more than enough time to know where the relationship is going and to have goals and work towards them. If you haven't discussed engagement, marriage, children...a life together then you either need to have this discussion if you haven't already or move on. I don't know why women feel they need to settle for less than what you want and have no standards (not you OP). Then we wonder why our "boyfriends" are not living up to our expectations. Love is only one aspect of a relationship and that alone won't cut it.
KiWiStyle

I'm not sure if this was in response to my post or not, but I didnt intend to imply the bolded. I have very high standards (professionally,financially, emotionally, and spiritually) not only for my husband but also for myself.( He has fulfilled all of them and I didn't waste time dating guys who didnt.), and I wouldn't expect less from any other woman. I said all of that to say, if OP is with a man three yrs her junior, she must have forseen this as a possibility and decided the relationship was worth it......at some point. Women already mature faster than men. If thereis no commitment and no love, then the answer is obvious. But there must be some feelings or value(not just love as you stated) of the relationship.

 

[4bslbound]

Update: I ask him about us in the future and he said that he wants to do the marrying thing but he cannot devote his time to me because of school and work. I told him that because of our conflicting schedules and because we both want different things at the moment, we should break up. We will definitely remain friends because I do love him and I know he loves me. If we want the same things in life in the future and If he wants the same things I want, we could give in another try. In the meantime, we both will be free to do whatever we want.

Thank you very much for your suggestions ladies.

I appreciate it very much.

I'm glad you have a clear cut answer. If it is meant to be, it will. My DH and I were together from ages 18-23 and broke up in a similar fashion (remained friends, still loved each other). Three years later we got engaged, martied, and now are happily on the same page.

 

[ONAMSHN]

What is meant to be.....WILL BE!!!!

 

[Briabiggles]

Bump?,.....

 

[lilanie]

Briabiggles - OP has new problems.

Doesn't seem like it's gotten better.

 

[Poohbear]

lilanie - I think that's why Briabiggles bumped this thread to show that. :wink2:

 

[gn1g]

No matter what happens between you and this guy, you should come from a place in which you know that you will be okay no matter what happens and will be happy. God always has something better for us.