Should I have stayed friends?

Lilac87

Lilac87

Well-Known Member
So I found this great guy and (loooong story short) I thought he was interested in dating me, but as it turns out he is already kinda dating someone else- long distance and isn't looking for a relationship from me. I was pretty upset because I did like him a lot; he seemed like a genuinely good guy but oh well. Anyway, during the same convo when I found out he was dating someone else he goes, "don't throw me away, though. Don't throw away a good friendship. I wish we can stay friends but that's up to you."

So I responded, "No, not at this time, take care." I'm not really a believer of being friends with someone of the opposite sex because one party always catches feelings and it's never fair to that person. In this situation, it would be me with the feelings. I'm like, why try to be friends and hang out and stuff? So I can get an invite to your wedding?

After our convo, I told my girlfriends what happened, thinking that I did the right thing with cutting him off and that they would agree with my decision. They told me, basically, that I was crazy and should stay friends with him.

So now I'm kind of wondering if I made the right decision by leaving him alone? I feel like I did but it seems like everyone else thinks I made a mistake.

What do y'all think?
 
iLove said:
So I found this great guy and (loooong story short) I thought he was interested in dating me, but as it turns out he is already kinda dating someone else- long distance and isn't looking for a relationship from me. I was pretty upset because I did like him a lot; he seemed like a genuinely good guy but oh well. Anyway, during the same convo when I found out he was dating someone else he goes, "don't throw me away, though. Don't throw away a good friendship. I wish we can stay friends but that's up to you."

So I responded, "No, not at this time, take care." I'm not really a believer of being friends with someone of the opposite sex because one party always catches feelings and it's never fair to that person. In this situation, it would be me with the feelings. I'm like, why try to be friends and hang out and stuff? So I can get an invite to your wedding?

After our convo, I told my girlfriends what happened, thinking that I did the right thing with cutting him off and that they would agree with my decision. They told me, basically, that I was crazy and should stay friends with him.

So now I'm kind of wondering if I made the right decision by leaving him alone? I feel like I did but it seems like everyone else thinks I made a mistake.

What do y'all think?
Click to expand...

The bolded is why you made the right decision. Truthfully, I don't have a problem with men and women being friends and I think it can happen, but if you had already developed feelings for him then a friendship would not have worked.
 
You definitely made the right decision:yep:. I don't see any benefit for you in remaining friends with him.
 
I think you did the right thing. Do your friends routinely wait in the wings for a guy to be free so they keep a "friendship" going on, then pounce the moment he becomes free? All that will get you is a rebound relationship.
 
Yeah, it's true that there is no benefit for me since I did catch feelings.

I think the only reason I would want to stay friends is in hopes that his relationship with that girl doesn't work out and that his relationship with mine elevates and that's not a good way to think. I never seem to get the good ones and he was a good one so that jilted me a bit and made me think for a second that I made the wrong decision and should hang on to him. But ThickHair is right, I would become the rebound chick.

Thanks so much for all of your response! I feel so much better now.
 
iLove said:
Yeah, it's true that there is no benefit for me since I did catch feelings.

I think the only reason I would want to stay friends is in hopes that his relationship with that girl doesn't work out and that his relationship with mine elevates and that's not a good way to think. I never seem to get the good ones and he was a good one so that jilted me a bit and made me think for a second that I made the wrong decision and should hang on to him. But ThickHair is right, I would become the rebound chick.

Thanks so much for all of your response! I feel so much better now.
Click to expand...

so his gf is longdistance for him but you and he are local in the DMV?
 
OP you are a decent woman with standards! I wish more women would cut ties with men in relationships when they realized that they wanted more than a friendship.

Your friends may think you are crazy but I applaud your character.
 
PPGbubbles said:
OP you are a decent woman with standards! I wish more women would cut ties with men in relationships when they realized that they wanted more than a friendship.

Your friends may think you are crazy but I applaud your character.
Click to expand...


I want to know what is his motivation for wanting to stay friends; I'm wondering if it's because gf is long distance....:look:
 
Windsy said:
I want to know what is his motivation for wanting to stay friends; I'm wondering if it's because gf is long distance....:look:
Click to expand...

For the companionship while his gf is gone. Oh yeah, I use the term "companionship" very loosely.:yep:

OP, you did the right thing!!!
 
Windsy here's the deal with this girl, lol

1. they aren't bf/gf. they're just "talking." He says that the only reason why they aren't official is because of the distance

2. he says he hates long distance with a passion because he has trust issues with the distance and his past experiences

3. the girl, *if* she moves here, won't be moving until NEXT summer. And he isn't sure if he should wait on her to move here or not

4. Did I mention she lives 17 hrs away?

So I'm wondering...maybe he wanted to keep me around to keep his options open? I don't know but oh well...
 
iLove said:
Windsy here's the deal with this girl, lol

1. they aren't bf/gf. they're just "talking." He says that the only reason why they aren't official is because of the distance

2. he says he hates long distance with a passion because he has trust issues with the distance and his past experiences

3. the girl, *if* she moves here, won't be moving until NEXT summer. And he isn't sure if he should wait on her to move here or not

4. Did I mention she lives 17 hrs away?

So I'm wondering...maybe he wanted to keep me around to keep his options open? I don't know but oh well...
Click to expand...
Girl that is what he is telling you. That is his bait and he wants you to bite, so he won't be lonely when that girl isn't there.

Are you trying to reason out giving him a chance, see 1-4? If you want to get with him, then do it, but dont' forget he has eyes for other. Why take a peice of a man?

ETA: Saw you response, cool. Too many men to wait around for this dude.
 
iLove said:
@Windsy here's the deal with this girl, lol

1. they aren't bf/gf. they're just "talking." He says that the only reason why they aren't official is because of the distance

2. he says he hates long distance with a passion because he has trust issues with the distance and his past experiences

3. the girl, *if* she moves here, won't be moving until NEXT summer. And he isn't sure if he should wait on her to move here or not

4. Did I mention she lives 17 hrs away?

So I'm wondering...maybe he wanted to keep me around to keep his options open? I don't know but oh well...
Click to expand...

aha....this clearly states his intentions.....you did good!!!

I would've told him no too.
 
PPGbubbles said:
OP you are a decent woman with standards! I wish more women would cut ties with men in relationships when they realized that they wanted more than a friendship.

Your friends may think you are crazy but I applaud your character.
Click to expand...

Girl, my friends had me thinking something was wrong with me! Thank you so much for reassuring me that I made the right decision. There is no reason for me to keep him around. NONE
 
ThickHair said:
Girl that is what he is telling you. That is his bait and he wants you to bite, so he won't be lonely when that girl isn't there.

Are you trying to reason out giving him a chance, see 1-4? If you want to get with him, then do it, but dont' forget he has eyes for other. Why take a peice of a man?
Click to expand...


Girl....it sounds like he wants her to say "well since I'm local and gf is 17 hours away, I can try to take him from her."


Ain't happening patna....:lol:
 
Ohhhhhhhh, it does sound like he is keeping his options open. So what does he want from you? Friendship?? I would probably still keep it moving.
 
I really can't thank y'all enough! ThickHair, you were right when you said that I was trying to reason to give him a chance. I found myself doing this after my girlfriends said that I should stay friends, smh.

And you know what, he prob did just want some company when his girl wasn't around. No, sir, not me! Like Windsy said, it ain't happenin patna. I'm gonna keep it moving.

I made the right decision, yes indeed.
 
op, does this mean you have no male friends?
i think keeing a distance is the right thing to do, but denying a relationship on the offchance of 'catching' feelings is a bit much...
 
OP, you made the right decision. His heart is somewhere else and there is no sense in waiting for it to go your way. IF it does. :clap: for not taking the bait!
 
libertysince05 said:
op, does this mean you have no male friends?
i think keeing a distance is the right thing to do, but denying a relationship on the offchance of 'catching' feelings is a bit much...
Click to expand...

I have a few male friends, and I think out of the few that I have, I'm only close to one but I've known him for years. I have no attraction to any of my male friends and as far as I know, they don't have any for me. We don't really hang out one on one, all the time, either. We mostly chat, text, give advice but rarely do we hang out together unless it's with a big group. The guy that I mentioned in the OP wanted to stay friends and hang out, go out to eat, movies, club, travel together, text, and all that...

I had already caught feelings so I just don't think friendship with him would be fair to me.
 
I know u definitely made the right decision. Guy like him offer friendship as a means of testing out what you will put up with. Meaning...he wants to do dating related activities but he knows that he has an out cause he told u upfront he has someone so ur feelings would be ur own fault. I'm sure this woman he's dating wouldn't know or agree with this new found friendship

Glad u turned it down...it wasn't for ur benefit
 
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