Seeing a SO daily

[CarLiTa]

Anyone not used to that? And feel awkward when that is proposed?

I feel like in conversations like that I never quite know what to say. It sounds like a big deal when suggested. And I feel like my reservations are:
-sometimes I just like to sit and not speak to anyone
-I need me-time

Not in a "you will get on my nerves" kind of way, but I know I can't be on all the time, and I would like the freedom to not speak when I don't want to and have no experience with setting me-time boundaries on a daily basis with a SO.

Oddly enough, all my serious relationships have been long-distance (with frequent visits) or with men who travel regularly.

Anyone else feel the same?
How do you manage your personal time if you live in the same city as your SO?

 

[Mai Tai]

I think there is nothing wrong with seeing an SO every day if you all are pretty serious, but I also think "Me" time is very important.

I think you should communicate with your SO and let him know that you want to spend more time together but also need him to respect those days that you need to be alone.

 

[CaraWalker]

i think it depends on the people in question firstly, and the connection second.

surprisingly for all my commitmentphobe ways, i tend to be a clingy girlfriend (which actually makes sense; i avoid relationships because i am intense in them). so i like to spend a lot of time with my so. last bf i looooooooooooved being around him and we were together 24/7, even before we started dating. we got along so well and had so much fun together. we didn't get sick of each other because i think our brains both fascinated the other.

which leads me to the connection part. id want to spend a lot of time with a bf im into partly due to clinginess, but probably not as much if the connection wasnt as good. i would get annoyed more easily or crave my space much sooner. i had a bf that i liked spending a few days with, but i doubt id have really been comfortable hanging out with him every day like with the ex. we'd have run out of things to talk about. and i would say its not so much that you have nothing else to say that makes it uncomfortable, its more that BECAUSE you feel like you have to fill the silence, having nothing to say is uncomfortable. ex and i didnt need to talk all the time, and looking back i dont even notice any times that stand out as us hanging out not talking - it didnt feel uncomfortable so no memory of it stands out.

i know it sounds cliche but i really do think with someone you are compatible with, like really really above average very compatible personality-wise, you dont feel the need to be "on," or entertain, or worry about having to keep conversation going. im sure there is some variation here for men, because they tend to be much more attuned to feeling "smothered," and you would want to be careful in general of indulging the fact that you feel that comfortable with him. so while i would say boundaries are NECESSARY to keep him on his toes, i dont think you should really feel like you are relying on them because the togetherness itself is the issue.

for me personally, if i didnt want to be with a guy all the time we'd probably be a very poor match. even the guy im half dating now, we spend days together in chunks on the weekends.

 

[CarLiTa]

Thanks for the responses. We don't live in the same city/country, so his wish can't happen anytime soon.

But what I mean is: whenever these conversations come up in my relationships, I'm never sure what to say. I have no experience seeing a SO daily because all my serious relationships have had some long-distance components to them. So I've been conditioned to have my space in a way that might not be as clear if we lived in the same city and saw each other daily.

But I can't express those worries without killing the moment/ sentiment my guy is trying to express. I would definitely love to spend MORE time together, but I can't speak for "everyday"...

We feel super comfortable together but of course when you don't see each other that regularly, every meeting is like a vacation. Unproductive, full of mushiness, ETC. I think in our case we are both excited to experience each other's everyday life when we visit.

Think this is some fear I need to get over because I obviously want to be married and have children, so I can't be as protective of my time as I have been.

 

[Britt]

i think it depends on the people in question firstly, and the connection second.

i know it sounds cliche but i really do think with someone you are compatible with, like really really above average very compatible personality-wise, you dont feel the need to be "on," or entertain, or worry about having to keep conversation going. im sure there is some variation here for men, because they tend to be much more attuned to feeling "smothered," and you would want to be careful in general of indulging the fact that you feel that comfortable with him. so while i would say boundaries are NECESSARY to keep him on his toes, i dont think you should really feel like you are relying on them because the togetherness itself is the issue.

for me personally, if i didnt want to be with a guy all the time we'd probably be a very poor match.

I agree with all of this, especially the bolded. This is why compatibility is very important. If you plan to get married and have a long term commitment to someone you want to make sure you two really enjoy each other's company and that you are both incredibly comfortable around one another. I'm an introvert, and there are oftentimes I'd prefer to be alone even if I'm with someone I'm very much into. I need my down time to breath, chill out, do nothing, be with my thoughts, read, etc... One of the things that scares me a bit about marriage is being around someone all the time. I did live with my ex-SO and he totally got the fact that I needed some me time, and he'd need the same and it was fine. There was never an issue of feeling smothered. Plus, he worked nights so the nights he went to work were especially my time to myself which I enjoyed.

 

[CarLiTa]

I lived with an SO one summer and didn't particularly enjoy it. It just wasn't anything to write home about. Besides, I was already checking out of the relationship, so that was that. He was very affectionate, but I didn't like that: 1) there was no quick place to get away in his apartment and 2) that when I did get away, he would still come and check up on me. That annoyed me after a while.

With my new SO, so far it is very nice. We spent 10 entire days together and had the best time. I really enjoy him, learning about his life, exploring together etc. There were a couple of times when I felt like I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and he was very receptive.

On one occasion, I just spent a long time washing my hair while thinking. That was nice.
On another, we were on a 4-hour bus ride and while we were listening to the same iPod, my mind was lost elsewhere. I was happy he didn't try interrupting, and we eventually discussed later what I was thinking about.

I was definitely clear before the 10-day trip, saying that sometimes I like to sit and not speak, and I wanted to know how he is so that we know when to give each other space. I liked that I felt comfortable enough to tell him that, because I don't think I ever expressed to my ex that I felt smothered at times (I was young then).

I'm not the type to make a relationship my biggest priority day-to-day, and given the distance factor, it has always been easy not to. I imagine if in the same city, I'd want to have my own space, activities that I do alone, etc., so that I can feel balanced.

I could be over-worrying.

 

[CaraWalker]

maybe you are just the opposite of clingy. it could be that you havent been with a guy you want to be around a lot yet, or its just not your personality to enjoy that. i think youd be the only one who would know which one it is.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Just tell the truth. Its not about ruining the moment. Just flipping it around for a second imagine a woman talks about definitely wanting a family. SO doesn't feel confident about having kids, but keeps quiet as not to ruin her sentiments. It doesn't get either of you anywhere and I think honesty about worries long run is best for both concerned in the long run.

I remember my SO admitted he was very "Bennifer" in terms of social events with his longest term partner. No one ever mentioned them individually because they always visited friends, or attended events together.

I had to let him know that I have never operated like socially in relationships (attached at the hip). I like to see my friends alone sometimes and I think its good for his friends to see him alone too. I know what his preference is, but I have to express my preferences also and make sure expectations are realistic. He was a little disappointed, but he got over it quickly. Although I do spend a lot more time socially with him than other partners, so there is some compromise.

You could just tell them what you said here. You haven't had close proximity SO before and not sure how much alone/relationship time you need yet. I think that's reasonable. It kind of depends on the man. All my partners have been partially, or fully introverted so while they like to be around me they also like to go away and do their hobbies, fitness or chill/alone time. I'm sure some guys will get butt hurt, but others understand.

 

[sunnydaze]

Is it really possible to want to see someone every single day? I haven't experienced this, whether talking about a husband, best friend, family member, child . I mean I could love someone to death and enjoy thier company a great deal, it doesn't translate into me wanting to see them every single day day. Talk to daily, sure..but not see. I think that is more about personality than the state/quality of the relationship.

 

[CaraWalker]

i think its both. because while my personality makes me capable of being like that, i know for a fact im not like that in EVERY relationship, with every guy.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I think you might be overworrying. This isn't a issue for you two now and it hasn't presented itself in the times where it could have been an issue (when you visited him). When the time comes you'll communicate to your SO what your needs are and if he's a nice guy he'll understand. I think you should just enjoy the moment, relationships have enough problems so no need to create any .

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Just tell him you can't see him that day and schedule another time to see each other.