Second Marriages

[Shinka]

Has anyone had a second, or ah hem...or more marriage?

How did you family and friends react to the subsequent marriages?

I ask because my man of about 8 months proposed, this is my second marriage...the first one I eloped. As I tell my family, mostly woman who have never been married or asked, they are acting funny and indifferent.

So myfeelings are kind of hurt that they are not happy for me. They never met my Fiance because they are in NYC and were in FL, so I know it's not personally about him. I just feel like if I announced I was pregnant out of wedlock, they would be excited.

I just want to see if my experience is unique...

 

[Bunny77]

I can't directly answer your question, but I have a relative who's never been married (she's in her 60s and basically just devotes all her time to church these days) and her face dropped when one of her good friends got remarried.

The friend had been married for decades and had kids (who are now adults), but she left her husband when his old *** decided to use drugs in his 50s.

Anyway, she reconnected with a childhood friend and got remarried! I believe the relative was truly happy for her, but her immediate reaction seemed to be one of sadness, as in, "Damn, I can't even get one man to marry me, but ole girl got two??? Damn."

Interesting question!

 

[PaperClip]

Has anyone had a second, or ah hem...or more marriage?

How did you family and friends react to the subsequent marriages?

I ask because my man of about 8 months proposed, this is my second marriage...the first one I eloped. As I tell my family, mostly woman who have never been married or asked, they are acting funny and indifferent.

So myfeelings are kind of hurt that they are not happy for me. They never met my Fiance because they are in NYC and were in FL, so I know it's not personally about him. I just feel like if I announced I was pregnant out of wedlock, they would be excited.

I just want to see if my experience is unique...

The bolded may be a HUGE reason why your family is not excited... you eloped the first time (for whatever reason) and eloping, in some people's eyes, is quite SELFISH... so your family may feel like if you didn't include them in thiis the first time around, why should they get excited at all? Also, how could you expect your family to be excited when they don't even know the man you're marrying? They don't know anything about him. They don't know if he's good (enough) for you.... And then you expect them to be excited? Exactly for what?

My brother eloped and expected us to be "happy" for him. I was like "why?" I couldn't celebrate the occasion with him but I'm supposed to embrace this lady with open arms and I've never formally met her? (Shrug).... I can count on one hand how many times I've met/seen her. If she walked up to me today, I'd hardly know her..... For the record, when I saw her for my grandfather's funeral, I wasn't rude, but I need time to get to know people. There are some other circumstances surrounding this situation (there's a major age difference between this woman and my brother (the woman is over a decade older and my brother may have just turned 21 when they got married).... Hmmmm.... jailbait?

By the way, I can count at least four DIRECT friends who have been married twice. Two of them have been married three times.

OP, think about how the situation sounds like from another angle.

 

[Bunny77]

The bolded may be a HUGE reason why your family is not excited... you eloped the first time (for whatever reason) and eloping, in some people's eyes, is quite SELFISH... so your family may feel like if you didn't include them in thiis the first time around, why should they get excited at all? Also, how could you expect your family to be excited when they don't even know the man you're marrying? They don't know anything about him. They don't know if he's good (enough) for you.... And then you expect them to be excited? Exactly for what?

My brother eloped and expected us to be "happy" for him. I was like "why?" I couldn't celebrate the occasion with him but I'm supposed to embrace this lady with open arms and I've never formally met her? (Shrug).... I can count on one hand how many times I've met/seen her. If she walked up to me today, I'd hardly know her..... For the record, when I saw her for my grandfather's funeral, I wasn't rude, but I need time to get to know people. There are some other circumstances surrounding this situation (there's a major age difference between this woman and my brother (the woman is over a decade older and my brother may have just turned 21 when they got married).... Hmmmm.... jailbait?

By the way, I can count at least four DIRECT friends who have been married twice. Two of them have been married three times.

OP, think about how the situation sounds like from another angle.

Good points. I didn't even look at it that way.

 

[Princess4real]

I can't directly answer your question, but I have a relative who's never been married (she's in her 60s and basically just devotes all her time to church these days) and her face dropped when one of her good friends got remarried.

The friend had been married for decades and had kids (who are now adults), but she left her husband when his old *** decided to use drugs in his 50s.

Anyway, she reconnected with a childhood friend and got remarried! I believe the relative was truly happy for her, but her immediate reaction seemed to be one of sadness, as in, "Damn, I can't even get one man to marry me, but ole girl got two??? Damn."

Interesting question!

I think your right on the money with the highlighted! I know I would be thinking like that. What women doesn't dream of being married and having a family.

 

[Shinka]

The bolded may be a HUGE reason why your family is not excited... you eloped the first time (for whatever reason) and eloping, in some people's eyes, is quite SELFISH... so your family may feel like if you didn't include them in thiis the first time around, why should they get excited at all? Also, how could you expect your family to be excited when they don't even know the man you're marrying? They don't know anything about him. They don't know if he's good (enough) for you.... And then you expect them to be excited? Exactly for what?

My brother eloped and expected us to be "happy" for him. I was like "why?" I couldn't celebrate the occasion with him but I'm supposed to embrace this lady with open arms and I've never formally met her? (Shrug).... I can count on one hand how many times I've met/seen her. If she walked up to me today, I'd hardly know her..... For the record, when I saw her for my grandfather's funeral, I wasn't rude, but I need time to get to know people. There are some other circumstances surrounding this situation (there's a major age difference between this woman and my brother (the woman is over a decade older and my brother may have just turned 21 when they got married).... Hmmmm.... jailbait?

By the way, I can count at least four DIRECT friends who have been married twice. Two of them have been married three times.

OP, think about how the situation sounds like from another angle.

This is a very good point, but and we were going to visit this summer if he didn't ask me or not. But I think its the principle of the matter. If someone calls with good news, you should react happy, No?

I do. I have plenty of friends who have called, I know only about their mate from talking on the phone about their relationship, and I'm was happy for them. I would feel the same for my family if they ever received a proposal.

I can understand the elope thing, thats why this time I told them we are planning a wedding. Mostly for them although I don't want one. I don't like them and I think they're a waste of money for other people to celebrate and bring you toasters. Thats money I can invest in the marriage or relationship. Just my view. Which is why I'm planning a cruise wedding and a registry that pays for our honeymoon cruise items...lol

My brother got married and told most of the day before. I was upset with him, but we all embraced his wife. Now I understand why he did it...lol

Most of my post is a vent( i still emotional about their reactions)..but I still would like to hear from others.

 

[Farida]

This is a very good point, but and we were going to visit this summer if he didn't ask me or not. But I think its the principle of the matter. If someone calls with good news, you should react happy, No?

I do. I have plenty of friends who have called, I know only about their mate from talking on the phone about their relationship, and I'm was happy for them. I would feel the same for my family if they ever received a proposal.

I can understand the elope thing, thats why this time I told them we are planning a wedding. Mostly for them although I don't want one. I don't like them and I think they're a waste of money for other people to celebrate and bring you toasters. Thats money I can invest in the marriage or relationship. Just my view. Which is why I'm planning a cruise wedding and a registry that pays for our honeymoon cruise items...lol

My brother got married and told most of the day before. I was upset with him, but we all embraced his wife. Now I understand why he did it...lol

Most of my post is a vent( i still emotional about their reactions)..but I still would like to hear from others.

I would agree with RR. She nailed it. Your family felt excluded the first time, and now they are excluded again. I know I felt excluded when my cousin called me and told me she was getting married. I had never met the guy, heck I didn't even know she had a man! I just smiled and said congratulations but I was very offended.

How does your family work? If you are very close-knit, then they don't understand how you would say yes to a man before they met him.

Also, if that isn't the case, the other reason they would be shrugging it off, is because you are divorced. It may be horrible, but they probably assume that this marriage won't last. Which is sad, but it is how people think. Especially depending on how enthusiastic you were when you first married guy number one, and how and why your marriage ended.

It may be a little bit because they are unmarried and you are heading to #2.


The key point is before you wail and make assumptions about why people are not happy for you, ASK! Say, "I'm really happy I'm marrying the man of my dreams, but you don't seem to be, and I am wondering why that is."

It could be something you've never thought about, like the fact that you've only known him for 8 months...or something. Find out why first.

 

[Shinka]

I would agree with RR. She nailed it. Your family felt excluded the first time, and now they are excluded again. I know I felt excluded when my cousin called me and told me she was getting married. I had never met the guy, heck I didn't even know she had a man! I just smiled and said congratulations but I was very offended.

How does your family work? If you are very close-knit, then they don't understand how you would say yes to a man before they met him.

Also, if that isn't the case, the other reason they would be shrugging it off, is because you are divorced. It may be horrible, but they probably assume that this marriage won't last. Which is sad, but it is how people think. Especially depending on how enthusiastic you were when you first married guy number one, and how and why your marriage ended.

It may be a little bit because they are unmarried and you are heading to #2.


The key point is before you wail and make assumptions about why people are not happy for you, ASK! Say, "I'm really happy I'm marrying the man of my dreams, but you don't seem to be, and I am wondering why that is."

It could be something you've never thought about, like the fact that you've only known him for 8 months...or something. Find out why first.

My family and I are close, but we don't discuss or approve relationships: People do whoever, have babies, and be with whoever they chose regardless of how others think. My grandmother is very happy, so it really my female aunts and cousins. No one is married, so really no protocol has been set to how marriage should be approved in my family. I'm a rebel by nature, and hate traditions and protocols...so don't expect me to follow mainstream ways...lol

You're right I should ask them, but really I feel I shouldn't have to and I'm not because at the end of the day, no one else's opinions matter. Thats how I felt when I eloped, It didn't end well because I chose to end it and I was with that man for about 5 years ( 3 years when we eloped). I also was naive about what marriage was, he changed during it for the worst, and trust me I know now what I want in mate and a marriage. I lived and learned and had to pay for the expensive divorce too...lol So I would not have said yes if I wasn't sure. my fiance and I talked about marriage and what it meant and what we learned many of times. ( this would be his second too).

I'm very family oriented and believe in marriage. I don't go looking for it or relationships, but when i do have one they are very serious and the men usually mention marriage. Some even proposed it, without rings. I said NO! This has happened since I divorced too... I'm very happy about my future union and only time will and dismiss their doubts. I don't regret my first marriage because I think I would still be ignorant and idealistic about marriage if I didn't have them shatter the way it did.

My idealistic views came from me not seeing any marriages im my family. We actually call it the "Smith (maiden names in my family) curse". None of the women in my family are married, those who have married once, left their men and never remarried. My grandmother's husband died. I refuse for that to be my story, but I'm not just going to marry anyone to avoid it either. I believed in my first husband, but he didn't believe in himself. I was slowly killing myself by staying in that marriage. He didn't want to pursue any options(i.e.counseling, even conversing with me) to save it. I never got married to get divorce and really never saw it as an option.

I wanted to wanted to know if those who had second marriages received different reactions, I really wasn't trying to analyze or find reasons for my families reactions...just curious

 

[MissYocairis]

Has anyone had a second, or ah hem...or more marriage?

How did you family and friends react to the subsequent marriages?

I ask because my man of about 8 months proposed, this is my second marriage...the first one I eloped. As I tell my family, mostly woman who have never been married or asked, they are acting funny and indifferent.

So myfeelings are kind of hurt that they are not happy for me. They never met my Fiance because they are in NYC and were in FL, so I know it's not personally about him. I just feel like if I announced I was pregnant out of wedlock, they would be excited.

I just want to see if my experience is unique...

I think the above bolded is the reason they've gone cold on you.

They may USE the elopement and not having met #2 as a cover for their own private struggle with never being married or asked but it still can be the thing driving their lukewarm acceptance of your blessing.

When I married, the friends and family who had never been asked were the same way....one of my first cousins who was close to me DID NOT EVEN COME TO THE WEDDING.

Imagine being 40 or 50 or even 60 and have never even been presented with a proposal (which essentially the opportunity to be married). That's hard. I don't know how I'd handle it either so I'm not judging them....but just try to include them and, if they aren't comfy with it, don't take it personal just let them be.

 

[Princess4real]

My family and I are close, but we don't discuss or approve relationships: People do whoever, have babies, and be with whoever they chose regardless of how others think. My grandmother is very happy, so it really my female aunts and cousins. No one is married, so really no protocol has been set to how marriage should be approved in my family. I'm a rebel by nature, and hate traditions and protocols...so don't expect me to follow mainstream ways...lol I feel I shouldn't have to and I'm not because at the end of the day, no one else's opinions matter. You're right I should ask them, but really . Thats how I felt when I eloped, It didn't end well because I chose to end it and I was with that man for about 5 years ( 3 years when we eloped). I also was naive about what marriage was, he changed during it for the worst, and trust me I know now what I want in mate and a marriage. I lived and learned and had to pay for the expensive divorce too...lol So I would not have said yes if I wasn't sure. my fiance and I talked about marriage and what it meant and what we learned many of times. ( this would be his second too).

I'm very family oriented and believe in marriage. I don't go looking for it or relationships, but when i do have one they are very serious and the men usually mention marriage. Some even proposed it, without rings. I said NO! This has happened since I divorced too... I'm very happy about my future union and only time will and dismiss their doubts. I don't regret my first marriage because I think I would still be ignorant and idealistic about marriage if I didn't have them shatter the way it did.

My idealistic views came from me not seeing any marriages im my family. We actually call it the "Smith (maiden names in my family) curse". None of the women in my family are married, those who have married once, left their men and never remarried. My grandmother's husband died. I refuse for that to be my story, but I'm not just going to marry anyone to avoid it either. I believed in my first husband, but he didn't believe in himself. I was slowly killing myself by staying in that marriage. He didn't want to pursue any options(i.e.counseling, even conversing with me) to save it. I never got married to get divorce and really never saw it as an option.

I wanted to wanted to know if those who had second marriages received different reactions, I really wasn't trying to analyze or find reasons for my families reactions...just curious

Agree with the highlighted.

ETA: You are very fortunate to have been asked twice! Misery loves company and at the end of the day, it's your decision! If your family said no, we don't want you to marry him, would you listen to them or your heart?

 

[Bunny77]

Uh, I think I agree with everyone in this thread. Is that possible?

I feel bad for my relative and I understand her disappointment. I'm glad she put on a brave face though and went to the wedding and was supportive of her friend.

 

[Shinka]

Agree with the highlighted.

ETA: You are very fortunate to have been asked twice! Misery loves company and at the end of the day, it's your decision! If your family said no, we don't want you to marry him, would you listen to them or your heart?

Honestly, I would ask them why, but ultimately its my heart/head that matters. I believe no one knows that person more than the partner. Unless they tell me he killed 20 people and is on the FBI's most wanted list, my mind is pretty much set, but I would take what they said into consideration and address the issue with him.

 

[Princess4real]

Honestly, I would ask them why, but ultimately its my heart/head that matters. I believe no one knows that person more than the partner. Unless they tell me he killed 20 people and is on the FBI's most wanted list, my mind is pretty much set, but I would take what they said into consideration and address the issue with him.

LOL at the red highlighted words.

 

[Farida]

My family and I are close, but we don't discuss or approve relationships: People do whoever, have babies, and be with whoever they chose regardless of how others think. My grandmother is very happy, so it really my female aunts and cousins. No one is married, so really no protocol has been set to how marriage should be approved in my family. I'm a rebel by nature, and hate traditions and protocols...so don't expect me to follow mainstream ways...lol

You're right I should ask them, but really I feel I shouldn't have to and I'm not because at the end of the day, no one else's opinions matter. Thats how I felt when I eloped, It didn't end well because I chose to end it and I was with that man for about 5 years ( 3 years when we eloped). I also was naive about what marriage was, he changed during it for the worst, and trust me I know now what I want in mate and a marriage. I lived and learned and had to pay for the expensive divorce too...lol So I would not have said yes if I wasn't sure. my fiance and I talked about marriage and what it meant and what we learned many of times. ( this would be his second too).

I'm very family oriented and believe in marriage. I don't go looking for it or relationships, but when i do have one they are very serious and the men usually mention marriage. Some even proposed it, without rings. I said NO! This has happened since I divorced too... I'm very happy about my future union and only time will and dismiss their doubts. I don't regret my first marriage because I think I would still be ignorant and idealistic about marriage if I didn't have them shatter the way it did.

My idealistic views came from me not seeing any marriages im my family. We actually call it the "Smith (maiden names in my family) curse". None of the women in my family are married, those who have married once, left their men and never remarried. My grandmother's husband died. I refuse for that to be my story, but I'm not just going to marry anyone to avoid it either. I believed in my first husband, but he didn't believe in himself. I was slowly killing myself by staying in that marriage. He didn't want to pursue any options(i.e.counseling, even conversing with me) to save it. I never got married to get divorce and really never saw it as an option.

I wanted to wanted to know if those who had second marriages received different reactions, I really wasn't trying to analyze or find reasons for my families reactions...just curious

The only reason I suggested that you ask, is not to gain approval, but to answer your query about why they aren't happy for you. You say you don't care what they think, but you do, and you want them to be happy for you. That is normal and expected.

With the more background you provided it makes sense that it is due to some type of ambivalence with the fact that they have never been married.

 

[Farida]

I do know a couple that are both in their #2 marriage and their families disapproved. They disapproved because they saw the 1st marriage fail and so they thought the same would happen to this one. However, they've been together now 10 years and their families got over it.

 

[FlowerHair]

I think it depends. I can honestly say, that if my sister said she had found a new man and they were getting married - knowing her and her history - I wouldn't be super happy or positive towards the whole thing. It's like she failed the last time and her relationships don't usually work out (even though she was married for 10 years) so there's nothing to get excited about.

She had a wonderful husband that she mistreated IMO, and the whole family still likes him a lot.

In my country, the actual getting married/proposed to, is not a big thing but I know it is in your country, so it might well be the reason why your relatives didn't sound happy.

 

[jrae]

"Damn, I can't even get one man to marry me, but ole girl got two??? Damn."

I think this is the reason for the lack of excitement and their own personal feelings about relationships and marriage. Hey, I'm happy for people on this board who get engaged and married and I don't even know them.

I've had good relationships (overall) and believe in marriage, happiness and being in love... so when someone else finds it, I'm thrilled.

By the way, Congratulations!

 

[Poohbear]

This is a very good point, but and we were going to visit this summer if he didn't ask me or not. But I think its the principle of the matter. If someone calls with good news, you should react happy, No?

I do. I have plenty of friends who have called, I know only about their mate from talking on the phone about their relationship, and I'm was happy for them. I would feel the same for my family if they ever received a proposal.

I can understand the elope thing, thats why this time I told them we are planning a wedding. Mostly for them although I don't want one. I don't like them and I think they're a waste of money for other people to celebrate and bring you toasters. Thats money I can invest in the marriage or relationship. Just my view. Which is why I'm planning a cruise wedding and a registry that pays for our honeymoon cruise items...lol

My brother got married and told most of the day before. I was upset with him, but we all embraced his wife. Now I understand why he did it...lol

Most of my post is a vent( i still emotional about their reactions)..but I still would like to hear from others.

After reading the bolded part, it seems like you are insensitive to your family's feelings and you do not care. No wonder they are indifferent or not excited for you...

 

[princessnad]

After reading the bolded part, it seems like you are insensitive to your family's feelings and you do not care. No wonder they are indifferent or not excited for you...

I don't understand how the bolded shows indifference. She is, afterall, holding a wedding for their enjoyment even though she doesn't particularly care for weddings. Correct me if I am wrong.

 

[PaperClip]

I don't understand how the bolded shows indifference. She is, afterall, holding a wedding for their enjoyment even though she doesn't particularly care for weddings. Correct me if I am wrong.

1. If the OP's having a wedding for others instead of for herself and her fiance, then it's not genuine.

2. She is establishing a track record/pattern for doing things without their involvement/participation e.g., elopment.

3. The OP's words is conflicting with her actions. On one hand, she says she doesn't like weddings but she's (thinking of) having one. On one hand, the OP says that she and her family are close but they don't talk about relationships? She didn't give any indication that she was even dating someone much less getting married, again? I'm not exactly sure, but did the OP said she didn't care what her family thinks but yet she's planning all this pomp and circumstance for some folk whose opinions she doesn't care about?

4. It's easy to throw off on others by pointing out their faults, e.g., they're jealous about her (second) marriage because they haven't had a first marriage. Why go through a bunch of changes over some seemingly JEALOUS folk? Why spend the money? Why hold a wedding if their jealousy keeps them from attending? What's the point? Well, how could that be known if, according to the OP, they don't talk about relationships? Or, maybe the OP's family is concerned because of the lack of information about the OP's decisions.

Oh, it was said that people don't have to know a lot to be happy about another person's happiness. True to an extent. Yes, as we get to know each other here on LCHF, we are happy to hear good news. But with family, it's sort of different. It's usually not the same level of intimate knowledge online as it is in real life.

This dilemma is less about what your family thinks and more about the OP being an accountable, responsible, adult and OWNING her decisions and if she has GENUINE concern about her family's concerns or lack of enthusiasm, if she sincerely wants to know, she should ask her family DIRECTLY, as others have suggested.

 

[MizzBrown]

1. If the OP's having a wedding for others instead of for herself and her fiance, then it's not genuine.

2. She is establishing a track record/pattern for doing things without their involvement/participation e.g., elopment.

3. The OP's words is conflicting with her actions. On one hand, she says she doesn't like weddings but she's (thinking of) having one. On one hand, the OP says that she and her family are close but they don't talk about relationships? She didn't give any indication that she was even dating someone much less getting married, again? I'm not exactly sure, but did the OP said she didn't care what her family thinks but yet she's planning all this pomp and circumstance for some folk whose opinions she doesn't care about?

4. It's easy to throw off on others by pointing out their faults, e.g., they're jealous about her (second) marriage because they haven't had a first marriage. Why go through a bunch of changes over some seemingly JEALOUS folk? Why spend the money? Why hold a wedding if their jealousy keeps them from attending? What's the point? Well, how could that be known if, according to the OP, they don't talk about relationships? Or, maybe the OP's family is concerned because of the lack of information about the OP's decisions.

Oh, it was said that people don't have to know a lot to be happy about another person's happiness. True to an extent. Yes, as we get to know each other here on LCHF, we are happy to hear good news. But with family, it's sort of different. It's usually not the same level of intimate knowledge online as it is in real life.

This dilemma is less about what your family thinks and more about the OP being an accountable, responsible, adult and OWNING her decisions and if she has GENUINE concern about her family's concerns or lack of enthusiasm, if she sincerely wants to know, she should ask her family DIRECTLY, as others have suggested.

What She Said! ITA!

 

[drasgrl]

. What women doesn't dream of being married and having a family.

I don't......

 

[Princess4real]

I don't......

I don't know why you don't, but you have to do you and I wish you the best. I'm still going to believe that most women want to get married.

 

[princessnad]

1. If the OP's having a wedding for others instead of for herself and her fiance, then it's not genuine.

2. She is establishing a track record/pattern for doing things without their involvement/participation e.g., elopment.

3. The OP's words is conflicting with her actions. On one hand, she says she doesn't like weddings but she's (thinking of) having one. On one hand, the OP says that she and her family are close but they don't talk about relationships? She didn't give any indication that she was even dating someone much less getting married, again? I'm not exactly sure, but did the OP said she didn't care what her family thinks but yet she's planning all this pomp and circumstance for some folk whose opinions she doesn't care about?

4. It's easy to throw off on others by pointing out their faults, e.g., they're jealous about her (second) marriage because they haven't had a first marriage. Why go through a bunch of changes over some seemingly JEALOUS folk? Why spend the money? Why hold a wedding if their jealousy keeps them from attending? What's the point? Well, how could that be known if, according to the OP, they don't talk about relationships? Or, maybe the OP's family is concerned because of the lack of information about the OP's decisions.

Oh, it was said that people don't have to know a lot to be happy about another person's happiness. True to an extent. Yes, as we get to know each other here on LCHF, we are happy to hear good news. But with family, it's sort of different. It's usually not the same level of intimate knowledge online as it is in real life.

This dilemma is less about what your family thinks and more about the OP being an accountable, responsible, adult and OWNING her decisions and if she has GENUINE concern about her family's concerns or lack of enthusiasm, if she sincerely wants to know, she should ask her family DIRECTLY, as others have suggested.

I can gather that she was here to get the opinion of other's (as she has) about if the response from her family was normal, given the situation (2nd marriage). I don't think we have enough here to know whether she was genuine in her decision to hold a wedding or not. I think it is very judgemental of any of us to say that because someone is doing something that they may not have on their own simply because they thought it would make their family happy makes them not a genuine person.

Of course I understand that the OP MAY need take ownership of her feelings because if she didn't care what they thought at all, she wouldn't have made this post. But she didn't come here for anyone to judge whether she is adult enough or responsible enough in how she FEELS about her family's reaction. She came here for some insight on why they may be acting the way they are.

I don't mean to be combative at all but some of the ways people respond would make it seem like they have never had uncertain feelings in their entire life. If feeling uncertain makes you a fake child who is not accountable then most of us would be wearing diapers right now.

Moreover, I was responding to that specific quote. In that bolded quote, the OP was being anything but selfish. She was saying that she would go through a ceremony just for their sake. That is in no way indifferent to their feelings.

 

[Impresaria]

Shinka, live your life. And follow your own heart. I understand that you want your family to be excited, but if they are not, that's fine too. There could be numerous reasons why they are not receiving the news of your soon-to-be-second marriage very well. It could be the distance, the fact that they don't know him, who knows really. But you know that you love him, that you have matured emotionally, and that you plan on spending the rest of your life with him. Don't dwell on anything that brings any negative energy, forgive yourself for anything that you may have done to alienate your family, and forgive them for causing you to feel slighted. I don't know you or them well enough to offer any other advice. Congratulations!

 

[PaperClip]

I can gather that she was here to get the opinion of other's (as she has) about if the response from her family was normal, given the situation (2nd marriage). I don't think we have enough here to know whether she was genuine in her decision to hold a wedding or not. I think it is very judgemental of any of us to say that because someone is doing something that they may not have on their own simply because they thought it would make their family happy makes them not a genuine person.

Of course I understand that the OP MAY need take ownership of her feelings because if she didn't care what they thought at all, she wouldn't have made this post. But she didn't come here for anyone to judge whether she is adult enough or responsible enough in how she FEELS about her family's reaction. She came here for some insight on why they may be acting the way they are.

I don't mean to be combative at all but some of the ways people respond would make it seem like they have never had uncertain feelings in their entire life. If feeling uncertain makes you a fake child who is not accountable then most of us would be wearing diapers right now.

Moreover, I was responding to that specific quote. In that bolded quote, the OP was being anything but selfish. She was saying that she would go through a ceremony just for their sake. That is in no way indifferent to their feelings.

Sigh.... ye OLDE JUDGEMENT CARD has been played... yet again....

Truth TRUMPS JUDGEMENT.

The OP has said she doesn't do weddings but she's (thinking about?) having one for the sake of her family. DISINGENUOUS.

Adulthood means taking ownership for one's actions. The OP claims to have done so with the decisions around her elopment/first marriage. I'm simply encouraging her to CONTINUE that here.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

If you don't want a big wedding don't have one. If you don't want to invite your family, don't invite your family. Do what you want to do.

 

[Princess4real]

If you don't want a big wedding don't have one. If you don't want to invite your family, don't invite your family. Do what you want to do.

I'm with you on the highlighted red words. I don't know those words make sense to me. All this approval mess is crazy in my opinion, but she did ask for people to give their opinions. I can maybe understand if this was her first marriage, but it's the second marriage. I would think she was knows what she wants and has learned a lot from the first marriage.

 

[sunnydaze]

I don't......

 

[princessnad]

Sigh.... ye OLDE JUDGEMENT CARD has been played... yet again....

Truth TRUMPS JUDGEMENT.

The OP has said she doesn't do weddings but she's (thinking about?) having one for the sake of her family. DISINGENUOUS.

Adulthood means taking ownership for one's actions. The OP claims to have done so with the decisions around her elopment/first marriage. I'm simply encouraging her to CONTINUE that here.

Yes, truth and tact DO trump being judgemental if that is what you mean.


Anyway


OP: I am with the rest who say do what you feel is right. I would hope that your family would be happy for you, but I bet you may know the reasons for this better than anyone else. I personally have witnessed some second marriages and their families were very happy about it. So to answer your question, I don't think that the fact that it was a second marriage was the only reason for their lack of enthusiasm. There were probably other confounding reasons. You have already stated that even though you found their behavior curious, you were, in the end, going to do what you thought was best no matter what. I think that is the best advice that you have found within yourself through this very understandable emotionally charged period.

Congratulations on your engagement!!


My PSA: claiming to be "real" or the fancied up verson: "truthful" as a means of tearing people down is not very genuine... Quite the contrary.