Rock head husband and his lack of support! (RANT)
- Thread starter Caramela
- Start date
Since I have been with my husband over 9 now, every time I went to my stylist to get my hair relaxed I would ask my him if my hair looked nice. He would say it looked ok but my hairstylist was not very good because my hair did not look relaxed enough (bone strait) and I wasted my money
erplexed This happened every single time I get my hair relaxed!!!
It became a ritual between us for 9 years. I would then calmly explain (over and over again) that (from experience) I cannot relax my hair bone straight because it will thin out and I would end up looking ratty. I will get a blank look and no response, so I will then become angry, continue to rant and tell him that his beauty ideal is based on European standards and I like my negro African hair even if he is repulsed by it!
This year I decided not to ask for his opinion on my hair. However, its too late as he is so used to us talking about my hair (I broke him into it) he now gives his unsolicited advise on my hair. I now realise that he does not hate my kinky naps (he asked me several times to grow dread locks as he thinks it looks good and I would be less hair obsessed) he his just regimented into thinking that if you are relaxing your hair it should be relaxed fully or not at all. I would point out women with nice healthy or unhealthy looking hair and say "her hair looks healthy" or her hair looks unhealthy" and he now does this also.
I did a BC 2 days ago and he was horrified. He has never seen me with a fro much less a short boyish fro. The first thing he said to me was "please do not complain to me that you made a mistake! and don't start wearing wigs!" I got a bit upset. He was right about me thinking I made a mistake- I regretted cutting my hair immediately after doing it
I am getting used to it now though.
I think your husband will like how your hair looks once he gets used to it.
erplexed This happened every single time I get my hair relaxed!!! It became a ritual between us for 9 years. I would then calmly explain (over and over again) that (from experience) I cannot relax my hair bone straight because it will thin out and I would end up looking ratty. I will get a blank look and no response, so I will then become angry, continue to rant and tell him that his beauty ideal is based on European standards and I like my negro African hair even if he is repulsed by it! This year I decided not to ask for his opinion on my hair. However, its too late as he is so used to us talking about my hair (I broke him into it) he now gives his unsolicited advise on my hair. I now realise that he does not hate my kinky naps (he asked me several times to grow dread locks as he thinks it looks good and I would be less hair obsessed) he his just regimented into thinking that if you are relaxing your hair it should be relaxed fully or not at all. I would point out women with nice healthy or unhealthy looking hair and say "her hair looks healthy" or her hair looks unhealthy" and he now does this also.
I did a BC 2 days ago and he was horrified. He has never seen me with a fro much less a short boyish fro. The first thing he said to me was "please do not complain to me that you made a mistake! and don't start wearing wigs!" I got a bit upset. He was right about me thinking I made a mistake- I regretted cutting my hair immediately after doing it
I am getting used to it now though.I think your husband will like how your hair looks once he gets used to it.
NewYorkgyrl
Well-Known Member
Just read all the posts.
I guess I'm just crazy, but I don't believe in doing something you are dead-set against to please your spouse, especially if it's something like putting chemicals on your scalp. (Not that I personally believe it's harmful, but some people do, and I don't think it's healthy for a spouse to say "so what?" to those concerns).
I believe in compromise, which Caramela's dh is open to, so that's great! I just can't get with the notion that making your spouse happy at the expense of your own identity and beliefs is worth it. How can your man be happy if you truly aren't?
Compromise goes both ways, ladies. Always remember that.
Excellent post!!!!!!!!!!!
Energist
New Member
He likes when I wear my hair in relaxed styles, wether that's curly or straight or wavy, whatever. He just likes the relaxed look better I guess.
He doesn't like any natural texture. I've shown him a lot. From looser curls, to tighter ones, to the nappiest of nappy. But he doesn't like any of them. It's important to me to be attractive to him, because when I tell him I don't like something about his appearance, he would change it.
He is just getting on my nerves because this is something I want to do. And him being against it makes me want to do it that much more. If he supported me, I might not even want to do it as much, for real
Well maybe it's just me, but after reading this post, I think it's important to think really hard about this one. If he didn't meet you with it natural, and you've shown him various textures and beautiful natural hairstyles and he still doesn't like the idea, I personally don't think it's a good idea. Men can be strange, and sometimes it takes the smallest things to turn them off, so just be careful. In marriage it's about a partnership, so I think that you both need to agree. Maybe he can meet you half way and you can texlax?
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I can understand his side of this.
My husband does not like weave so (after a few years of wearing them) he asked me to stop and I did. We have almost the same hair texture and currently I am transitioning to natural. DH had dreadlocks.
People have preferences about everything, including their significant other's hair. My dad likes short hair (his wife has a platinum blonde fade) and his prior GF of 8 years also had a short cut (not a fade though).
You husband does not want you to go natural and I do not think it's any inference about his character or self-hate or anything of that sort. Not knowing anything about him other than what's in this thread, I am guessing that he likes what he likes and right now that does not include natural hair. He may change his mind but just know that if you go natural he probably will want you to straighten your hair often (whether it be with a flat iron, rollerset or some other means).
My husband does not like weave so (after a few years of wearing them) he asked me to stop and I did. We have almost the same hair texture and currently I am transitioning to natural. DH had dreadlocks.
People have preferences about everything, including their significant other's hair. My dad likes short hair (his wife has a platinum blonde fade) and his prior GF of 8 years also had a short cut (not a fade though).
You husband does not want you to go natural and I do not think it's any inference about his character or self-hate or anything of that sort. Not knowing anything about him other than what's in this thread, I am guessing that he likes what he likes and right now that does not include natural hair. He may change his mind but just know that if you go natural he probably will want you to straighten your hair often (whether it be with a flat iron, rollerset or some other means).
envybeauty
New Member
You make a good point. Sometimes just comes down to preferences.
I do not like dreadlocks on a man. I don't know why but I just don't. So if my man all of a sudden tells me he wants to loc his hair, I would have issues with it. Yes, locs are natural, chemical free, etc........but I still don't like them on MY man. Other men can do what they want. I would just prefer for MY man not to have them.
So if he loc'd, there would have to be some sort of compromise. I don't know what....but sumthin.......
discodumpling
Well-Known Member
I like Relaer Rehabs Flip it Strategy! But I went natural on a "do me" shock & awe strategy
. My head...so it could only be My choice. I was fair, I gave him choices too!! He could STAY or LEAVE, totally his choice!
He put up a great fight...but my will was stronger. My husband does not have the same hair texture as I do....the women in his family have silky, "cooly" curly or str8 hair. He's never been this close to napps
...now a days i'm ducking and weaving to keep him from molesting my napps! He's just as in love with 'em as I am.
Take heart OP. Stand fast in your decision & good luck!
. My head...so it could only be My choice. I was fair, I gave him choices too!! He could STAY or LEAVE, totally his choice!He put up a great fight...but my will was stronger. My husband does not have the same hair texture as I do....the women in his family have silky, "cooly" curly or str8 hair. He's never been this close to napps
...now a days i'm ducking and weaving to keep him from molesting my napps! He's just as in love with 'em as I am. Take heart OP. Stand fast in your decision & good luck!
tocktick
Well-Known Member
STOP showing him other natural heads! If you wanted to change your breast size, would you show him other breasts?Hopefully not.
I don't know how you sprung the transition to natural process on him but I encourage you to be patient with him and share INFORMATION with him about the physical and mental/emotional aspects of your choice.
I don't think he thinks natural hair is inherently ugly. He's a product of his environment. Look at the other women in his family, e.g., mothers, sisters. Are they all relaxed? That's all he knows.
I know you're ranting and this is the place to do it. Now redirect the ranting to STRATEGY.
--wear styles that will get him used to seeing you with textured hair, e.g., wigs, half-wigs, weaves, etc.
--is he scared about the length and/or texture? Then you may have to avoid the big chop.
--share with him the "dangers" of prolonged/frequent use of chemical straighteners
Hopefully others have suggestions....
It's going to be ok.
i agree with the majority of this post.
I forgot to add.. If you don't get the support from him, you always have your girls at LHCF!!
co-sign.
wannabelong
Well-Known Member
ITA with this post. I'm relaxed now but I've had a fade for almost 10 years and a short sexy pixie cut for about 2 years and a TWA for 1 year. When I met my fiance I had a fade, he was fine my fade, shoot, he even gave me my hair cuts. Now that I've decided to grow my hair long, I've brought up the subject about going natural (no fade this time) and he said either it's back to the fade if I go natural or long if I grow it back. Like you said, it's just a matter of preference, he likes what he likes and in my case it's damn near bald or long.
PrincessScorpion
Well-Known Member
You have join the club now 
. My SO gave me the blues and still does at time about my natural hair, but guess what I do not care. It is my hair and this is what I wanted to do. He told me that my hair would grow back after I went through chemical damage due to a stylist. I think it was on of the best decision that I could have made.
I have notice that men of other nationalities do like it and so has my SO. That is when he wants to stick his chest out like yeah she is with me.
I do hope that in time he will come around.
. My SO gave me the blues and still does at time about my natural hair, but guess what I do not care. It is my hair and this is what I wanted to do. He told me that my hair would grow back after I went through chemical damage due to a stylist. I think it was on of the best decision that I could have made.I have notice that men of other nationalities do like it and so has my SO. That is when he wants to stick his chest out like yeah she is with me.
I do hope that in time he will come around.
Last edited:
~~HoneyComb~~
Well-Known Member
My heart goes out to you!! I am fortunate that my husband prefers my natural hair over me wearing my hair straight, and he like my hair best when it's pulled back in a bun or ponypuff 
. Hopefully, he'll see how important this is to you and eventually support your request. You could tell him that you will still have the option of wearing your hair straight once it is natural, maybe flat-ironing it every other week or once a month for him. I wish you the best!!
. Hopefully, he'll see how important this is to you and eventually support your request. You could tell him that you will still have the option of wearing your hair straight once it is natural, maybe flat-ironing it every other week or once a month for him. I wish you the best!!
PeggyFair
New Member
I hate locs to so we are here ><...But nobody is born with locs, but we are born with our natural hair, whatever texture that may be...So if my man put up a fuss about me reverting to something that is in my genetic code, I KNOW I wouldn't compromise with him over that. But that goes back to what I said before, it's up to the individual to decide how much they want to compromise in a relationship. There are not right or wrong answers.
Caramela
New Member
But to be honest, eventhough natural hair is my husband's "genetic code" I don't want to see him walking around with the J.J/Michael/James Sr/GoodTimes natural. That's no more appealing to me than I guess natural hair is to him. And I don't have self hate issues.
I'll just say it....
It's nice to read that so many husbands and lovers are into you all's natural hair.... But those that are saying such have LONGER hair....
Honestly, I don't think men care about the texture. They just want REAL and LONG/BIG (and don't we want the same thing as well?
)
Let's keep this convo on a realistic level because long hair (relaxed or natural) does not occur overnight. Just like the mental/emotional transition doesn't happen overnight, either.
It's nice to read that so many husbands and lovers are into you all's natural hair.... But those that are saying such have LONGER hair....
Honestly, I don't think men care about the texture. They just want REAL and LONG/BIG (and don't we want the same thing as well?
)Let's keep this convo on a realistic level because long hair (relaxed or natural) does not occur overnight. Just like the mental/emotional transition doesn't happen overnight, either.
Thread takes a downfall at this post.... Sigh.... I was rootin' for you, Caramela!
look:
PeggyFair
New Member
For me personally, I love that look, it reminds me of how my dad wore his hair in the 70s. lol..I don't think you have self hate issues, I just think it is up to the individuals in the marriage/relationship to decide how much they want to compromise. The only right answer is what YOU decide.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
I'll just say it....
It's nice to read that so many husbands and lovers are into you all's natural hair.... But those that are saying such have LONGER hair....
Honestly, I don't think men care about the texture. They just want REAL and LONG/BIG (and don't we want the same thing as well?
Let's keep this convo on a realistic level because long hair (relaxed or natural) does not occur overnight. Just like the mental/emotional transition doesn't happen overnight, either.
True, true. I got over my initial hurt by thinking back to my own failed transition 4 years ago. If it took me that long to finally go natural, why would I expect my dh to be gung ho overnight?
I still think it's about compromise, though, and not going natural to please your spouse isn't compromise. It's conformity.
Caramela
New Member
Thread takes a downfall at this post.... Sigh.... I was rootin' for you, Caramela!
What? I just said that style is not appealing to me... not that all natural hair is not. Oh dear ....
Caramela
New Member
For me personally, I love that look, it reminds me of how my dad wore his hair in the 70s. lol..I don't think you have self hate issues, I just think it is up to the individuals in the marriage/relationship to decide how much they want to compromise. The only right answer is what YOU decide.
Righto! My dad - not my man. I don't want my man in 2008 to rock his hair the way my daddy did in 1975.
vevster
Well-Known Member
What? I just said that style is not appealing to me... not that all natural hair is not. Oh dear ....
Caramela, you just got married. Don't rock the boat!
True, true. I got over my initial hurt by thinking back to my own failed transition 4 years ago. If it took me that long to finally go natural, why would I expect my dh to be gung ho overnight?
I still think it's about compromise, though, and not going natural to please your spouse isn't compromise. It's conformity.
ITA! Compromise -> conformity -> control.... it's a slippery slope when gone unchecked and out of balance.
Caramela
New Member
Caramela, you just got married. Don't rock the boat!
Chile, you might just be on to something.
What? I just said that style is not appealing to me... not that all natural hair is not. Oh dear ....
Hey, I totally get PREFERENCE. But if your man had that kind of hair, despite all the other wonderful qualities he has, would you have passed on him?
And then that same question could be flipped back onto your man.
Caramela
New Member
That's not my point. Of course not. He is a beautiful person. But when it comes down to what gets me going, an image of Jame's lopsided fro doesn't pop into my mind. I don't know.
What I'm saying is, he will compromise his appearance to make me happy, and I would do the same for him. Compromise to me doesn't mean I'm not going to transition. It simply means that I will more than likely not BC. That's all.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Caramela, you just got married. Don't rock the boat!
Do you think he would divorce her if she went natural?
Caramela, all of this may be moot anyway. I know you said in an earlier post that your dh's attitude made you want to go natural even more, but I get the sense that his email and this thread has made you lean back the other way. If so, that's cool. Just make sure you do what makes you happy!
Ebony Majesty
Well-Known Member
Please don't stop transitioning just because of a 'man'
I understand you need to take into consideration his feelings or whatever
But no, sorry. Do what you need to do!
I understand you need to take into consideration his feelings or whatever
But no, sorry. Do what you need to do!
Caramela
New Member
Do you think he would divorce her if she went natural?
Caramela, all of this may be moot anyway. I know you said in an earlier post that your dh's attitude made you want to go natural even more, but I get the sense that his email and this thread has made you lean back the other way. If so, that's cool. Just make sure you do what makes you happy!
No, I still want to transition. I just will not BC. It makes me happy that he had a change of attitude, but now I don't feel irritated with him. Like I can transition in peace if I want to or relax in peace if I want to.
He's my husband and I just wanted his support daggone it! LOL!
wannabelong
Well-Known Member
I understand. Having his support makes for a more peaceful home.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I am sorry but this thread is rather upsetting to me. I cannot imagine how you feel. Granted DH is not black but he always would talk about my puff. He loved playing with it. When I went back to relaxed he loved it because it was how my hair was, when we first met. However, I have thought about BCing again and he did say he would miss my relaxed hair but he did love my puff. So he would be happy either which way.
I know this is not the norm but it is very upsetting to read how deadset against it, he is. You are a beautiful woman and you will continue to be with long hair, a puff, a fade or even a baldy. I don't get why he doesn't see that. I know men love hair but doesn't your happiness matter also? What if he lost his hair? Would you divorce him on the grounds of baldness? I know you wouldn't
I know this is not the norm but it is very upsetting to read how deadset against it, he is. You are a beautiful woman and you will continue to be with long hair, a puff, a fade or even a baldy. I don't get why he doesn't see that. I know men love hair but doesn't your happiness matter also? What if he lost his hair? Would you divorce him on the grounds of baldness? I know you wouldn't
