Rock head husband and his lack of support! (RANT)

[kweenameena]

It's good that you talked to him about it. Don't regret that. As others have said, it's going to take a little time, strategy, information, and old-fashioned sweet talk!

You gotta counteract his resistance with sweetness.... Rant with us all day...get it out of your system, and then when the subject comes up with him, be positive, informative, and patient. Tell him how excited you are and remind him (and yourself) of other situations where he may not have been supportive at first but now it's all good! Same thing here.

Remind him that his support and openness allows you to try new things, and that is what makes him a wonderful husband.... Flip it, baby!

Not to take the thread off track, but this situation is an example of how to work in relationships. I just got this book "The Power of a Woman's Words" from the library yesterday. It listed 25 things NEVER to say to your husband and 25 things your husband longs to hear. Here's the 25 things your husband longs to hear:

I've been thinking about you all day?
What can I do for you today?
How can I pray for you today?
The best part of my day is when you come home.
You are one of God's most precious gifts to me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
You are so wonderful.
You look so handsome today.
You make my day brighter.
I don't feel complete without you.
You are my best friend.
I love spending time with you.
Thnak you for taking such good care of me.
You are my knight in shining armor.
I will always love you.
I trust your decisions.
I can always count on you.
What would you like to do?
I prize every moment with you.
I see God's fingerprints all over you.
You are such an inspiration to so many people.
You are such a wonderful father.
You could give classes on how to be a great husband.
I believe in you.

Thank you for this, RR! I can't wait to use these on DH when he comes back!!

Caramela,
I agree that eventually he will come around. As long as you wear your natural hair with confidence he'll love it!!! You have to love it first!

 

[PeggyFair]

Because he is a man and men think differently than women do, especially when it comes to our beauty.

well, i've been relaxed and i've been natural(I am relaxed now) and I just couldn't see a man questioning my beauty if I decided to go back to what I was originially born with, especially when we are of the same race and have the same hair(naptural) Maybe it's because I've never been put in the situation that the OP is in so it's hard for me to see this clearly. But that's just me.*shrugs*

 

[Nice & Wavy]

To the bolded, that's why I didn't even validate that comment with a response.
But you're right, he just wants his lady to have long hair like I always have.

Thanks for your suggestions.

You are welcome. MOST MEN WANT THEIR WOMEN TO HAVE LONG HAIR!!!

Now, there are a select few that like their woman's hair shorter length, and that too is ok. But, you see how your dh loves your long hair so what you want to do is keep him pleased with you and how you look and you can do that without a huge change.

Blessings to you and to your husband, always.

 

[Caramela]

well, i've been relaxed and i've been natural(I am relaxed now) and I just couldn't see a man questioning my beauty if I decided to go back to what I was originially born with, especially when we are of the same race and have the same hair(naptural) Maybe it's because I've never been put in the situation that the OP is in so it's hard for me to see this clearly. But that's just me.*shrugs*

He never questions my beauty, PF. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful. And again, we do not have the same hair texture. You know better Just because we're the same race doesn't mean our texture is all the same

 

[Nice & Wavy]

well, i've been relaxed and i've been natural(I am relaxed now) and I just couldn't see a man questioning my beauty if I decided to go back to what I was originially born with, especially when we are of the same race and have the same hair(naptural) Maybe it's because I've never been put in the situation that the OP is in so it's hard for me to see this clearly. But that's just me.*shrugs*

However, this "man" happens to be her husband and he has a right as her "husband" to tell her his feelings and vice versa.

It has nothing to do with race or the same hair. The OP already said that his hair is different than hers.

Men think differently than woman, as I stated before. So, yeah I can see it being hard for some women to understand that a man can feel this way about his wife, but it happens everday.

 

[iaec06]

i went natural not intentionally, but because I was pregnant and decided to lay off relaxers for a while and I wore weaves for 2 years . when I decided to take my weave out for good I suggested staying natural because I saved so much money by not going to salons. my hubby almost had a SEISURE I know my personality and the natural thing is not for me right now. However I think that I will shave it all off in a few years and gro a fro . Now that is typical me to just flip the script, then relax again yup thats me . LOL

 

[vestaluv1]

Hey Caramela,
Well when I told my bf I was not going to relax my hair ever again, he gave me a kinda look... He's actually quite understanding now and supports me with anything I wanna do really.
But quite frankly I didn't care either way coz 1st and foremost, its my hair. When he cut his nice dreads off (which I really didn't want him to do), I eventually got used to it and it's now a distant memory.
He had his own reasons...fair enough.

I'm pretty sure your hubby will come around eventually and he can't just b attracted 2 ur hair erplexed.

Anyway, people r different, but I wouldn't let it bother me coz if he loves ya, he loves YOU.

Lata

 

[Caramela]

You are welcome. MOST MEN WANT THEIR WOMEN TO HAVE LONG HAIR!!!

Now, there are a select few that like their woman's hair shorter length, and that too is ok. But, you see how your dh loves your long hair so what you want to do is keep him pleased with you and how you look and you can do that without a huge change.

Blessings to you and to your husband, always.

Thanks again. Same to you.

 

[Nola Darling]

I can understand how you feel. When I first did the BC, dh was like, but I knew that eventually he will see it the way I envisioned my hair to be.

Now that its been almost 2 years, he loves it curly and he loves it straight. I showed him that there are other options than just straight hair and once I was able to show him that, he understood.

I don't think he has identity issues, as one poster put it...he is a man, and like most men, they love long hair on their woman...there is nothing wrong with that at all.

I think the best thing for you, and to keep the peace in your home, would be to have a longggggggggggggggg transistion without the BC. That way you can still keep your length and create styles that would allow him to see you in a different light.

All the best to you and to your husband!

I do...if you don't like the kinky hair that comes out of YOUR head or anything similar on your mate, then you have problems with your identity. I didn't want to out right say it but it's called self hate. Luckily if OP decides to go natural her hubby will be able to learn to appreciate the natural beauty of napptural hair which isn't a bad thing.

 

[SunnyDelight]

Hey, your husband is the love of your life....he just wants to know that his wife is still going to look like the woman that he is attracted to everyday. We expect our husbands to love us "any-ole-way" we want to look, but that is not the case. Most men aren't visionaries when it comes to their wives looks. They like what they have...right now! Change is not so good for them I know my husband loves me to wear certain things and to wear my hair in a certain way, it drives him nuts when I do.

My advice: Don't talk to him too much about it. Give him some breathing room and let him see for himself how sexy you can be with natural hair. Telling him you are going to cut it is a no-no. They don't want to hear that...I know, that's why I just cut it without telling him and then what could he do then...but, please know that is NOT what I'm suggesting for you to do, ok??? I don't want your dh to come up in here looking for me....

Blessings!

Awesome advise Nice & Wavy -

Also, if it hasn't already been suggested, remember you can go natural and hide it under a weave and just show him what you are really working with on wash day. He can even help you shampoo and condition it, plus essential oils are greatest for natural hair - and body - (so . . . oiling is lots of fun for hubby to share in) - soon he'll LOVE the health and suppleness of your natural hair and not want the weave.

Another suggestion is to transition to texlax. That way YOU have the best of both worlds.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Thanks again. Same to you.

You are welcome and all the best!

 

[PeggyFair]

He never questions my beauty, PF. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful. And again, we do not have the same hair texture. You know better Just because we're the same race doesn't mean our texture is all the same

I guess "texture" was the wrong word, as I know black hair is very versatile, what I meant was if his hair is unprocessed, that would make it just as "natural" as your hair would be once you transitioned out. I've never been put in such a position about my hair length/texture by my SO so I guess I just can't relate. Good Luck with your transitioning

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Awesome advise Nice & Wavy -

Also, if it hasn't already been suggested, remember you can go natural and hide it under a weave and just show him what you have when you are really working with on wash day.

Another suggestion is to transition to texlax. That way YOU have the best of both worlds.

Thank you, SunnyDelight!

The one thing my dh said to me was "NO WEAVES"... Well, I had to wear my own hair after that one

 

[Loves Harmony]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this with your husband. I understand how you feel. Just try to transition without getting the BC. Just cut it little by little. He will come around, just give him time.

 

[Monigirl]

Hey Caramela,
I am sure everything is gonna be alright. With all the good advice that has been given your transition to the natural side will be smoother for you and your DH.

Your DH is lucky b/c some women on here like myself did not transition for very long and did BC's before their husbands could say two words. Like myself...LOL!!! One day I got off of work and cut off all my relaxed hair and had a 1 1/2 inch afro (last August) when my white DH got home. All my hair was in the trash. He expressed many time before the he loved me with long hair better than short and was worried I would regret it and blah blah blah. Surprisingly he loved my little fro, but I didn't and got a relaxer 2 weeks later. I wasn't ready , but I dont regret doing it. Hair grows back and experimenting with styles and beauty is in a woman nature.

Anyways wedding vows stat..."for better or worse, till death do us part, etc....." So you tell him he is breaking the vow agreement.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I do...if you don't like the kinky hair that comes out of YOUR head or anything similar on your mate, then you have problems with your identity. I didn't want to out right say it but it's called self hate. Luckily if OP decides to go natural her hubby will be able to learn to appreciate the natural beauty of napptural hair which isn't a bad thing.

That's a bit harsh to say, don't you think? To say that a person has identity issues because her HUSBAND likes her hair the way it is wrong, as far as I'm concerned. But, I'm sure he doesn't have that problem and I would hate for the OP to feel bad and not want to come back and share about this because of what people may think about her husband.

Well, to each his own!

 

[Lucky's Mom]

He likes when I wear my hair in relaxed styles, wether that's curly or straight or wavy, whatever. He just likes the relaxed look better I guess.
He doesn't like any natural texture. I've shown him a lot. From looser curls, to tighter ones, to the nappiest of nappy. But he doesn't like any of them. It's important to me to be attractive to him, because when I tell him I don't like something about his appearance, he would change it.
He is just getting on my nerves because this is something I want to do. And him being against it makes me want to do it that much more. If he supported me, I might not even want to do it as much, for real

Awe Babe.
I am sorry.

:blowkiss:It is difficult to not have our husband's support. And - although it is paramount to follow our husbands as God wants us to - We also need to be able to have opinions and ideas. I think it is good advice to talk to him about why you are transitioning. I hope that he can REALLY hear you.


When I first met my hubby in 1996- I was the swangin' relaxed girl.... and he told me point blank - I don't like Braids, weaves, etc.....

Funny thing.....We Broke up - and I transititioned in 1998..... I wore Braids for my wedding ( We Got back together )- and My hubby is AMAZED at my hair now. HAA!! The guy that said " I don't date women with Braids" had a wife coming down the aisle in Micros.....

If you would like, you may show your hubby my recent hair do - see if he says - "oh I like that" - and then you can bust him and tell him it is NATURAL!!

I pray you can find a happy medium!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Hey Caramela,
I am sure everything is gonna be alright. With all the good advice that has been given your transition to the natural side will be smoother for you and your DH.

Your DH is lucky b/c some women on here like myself did not transition for very long and did BC's before their husbands could say two words. Like myself...LOL!!! One day I got off of work and cut off all my relaxed hair and had a 1 1/2 inch afro (last August) when my white DH got home. All my hair was in the trash. He expressed many time before the he loved me with long hair better than short and was worried I would regret it and blah blah blah. Surprisingly he loved my little fro, but I didn't and got a relaxer 2 weeks later. I wasn't ready , but I dont regret doing it. Hair grows back and experimenting with styles and beauty is in a woman nature.

Anyways wedding vows stat..."for better or worse, till death do us part, etc....." So you tell him he is breaking the vow agreement.

I did the same thing...did the BC and he just looked at me when he got home. But now he is smiling

 

[Nola Darling]

That's a bit harsh to say, don't you think? To say that a person has identity issues because her HUSBAND likes her hair the way it is wrong, as far as I'm concerned. But, I'm sure he doesn't have that problem and I would hate for the OP to feel bad and not want to come back and share about this because of what people may think about her husband.

Well, to each his own!

Ok, well I don't personally know her husband so I'll retract that statement. It just makes me boil when men decide that hair that is similar to their own is something negative and wrong. I do wish OP the best and I hope that she isn't offended by what I had to share.

 

[graCeful_89]

Hey Caramela,
I am sure everything is gonna be alright. With all the good advice that has been given your transition to the natural side will be smoother for you and your DH.

Your DH is lucky b/c some women on here like myself did not transition for very long and did BC's before their husbands could say two words. Like myself...LOL!!! One day I got off of work and cut off all my relaxed hair and had a 1 1/2 inch afro (last August) when my white DH got home. All my hair was in the trash. He expressed many time before the he loved me with long hair better than short and was worried I would regret it and blah blah blah. Surprisingly he loved my little fro, but I didn't and got a relaxer 2 weeks later. I wasn't ready , but I dont regret doing it. Hair grows back and experimenting with styles and beauty is in a woman nature.

Anyways wedding vows stat..."for better or worse, till death do us part, etc....." So you tell him he is breaking the vow agreement.

Teehee, good idea - I LOVE IT. First, make him feel bad for making you doubt your natural decision. THEN tell him one of those 25 sweet things that RR suggested saying to husbands and THEN kick his butt as another member previously suggested. There you go!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Awe Babe.
I am sorry.

:blowkiss:It is difficult to not have our husband's support. And - although it is paramount to follow our husbands as God wants us to - We also need to be able to have opinions and ideas. I think it is good advice to talk to him about why you are transitioning. I hope that he can REALLY hear you.


When I first met my hubby in 1996- I was the swangin' relaxed girl.... and he told me point blank - I don't like Braids, weaves, etc.....

Funny thing.....We Broke up - and I transititioned in 1998..... I wore Braids for my wedding ( We Got back together )- and My hubby is AMAZED at my hair now. HAA!! The guy that said " I don't date women with Braids" had a wife coming down the aisle in Micros.....

If you would like, you may show your hubby my recent hair do - see if he says - "oh I like that" - and then you can bust him and tell him it is NATURAL!!

I pray you can find a happy medium!

Very good, sweet and supporting post!

OP, you can show him my hair too and let him know that your hair can be healthier without the relaxer in it.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Ok, well I don't personally know her husband so I'll retract that statement. It just makes me boil when men decide that hair that is similar to their own is something negative and wrong. I do wish OP the best and I hope that she isn't offended by what I had to share.

Thanks, I'm sure OP will appreciate this post

Blessings!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Teehee, good idea. Make him feel bad for making you doubt your natural decision THEN tell him one of those 25 things that RR suggested and THEN kick his butt as another member previously suggested. There you go!

 

[Caramela]

I do...if you don't like the kinky hair that comes out of YOUR head or anything similar on your mate, then you have problems with your identity. I didn't want to out right say it but it's called self hate. Luckily if OP decides to go natural her hubby will be able to learn to appreciate the natural beauty of napptural hair which isn't a bad thing.

He knows what he is and what I am and loves and identifies with it. So that statement isn't accurate. We all change our appearance to what we feel is most attractive. If I use curlformers or flexi rods, or dye my hair with Henna or use yogurt and lime juice to smooth my hair... does that mean I have identity issues?
I won't fan this fire. I'll just let you know that I know my husband better than anybody and this is about his visual preferences for his wife. Nothing more. No extra salt needed.

 

[Caramela]

Awe Babe.
I am sorry.

:blowkiss:It is difficult to not have our husband's support. And - although it is paramount to follow our husbands as God wants us to - We also need to be able to have opinions and ideas. I think it is good advice to talk to him about why you are transitioning. I hope that he can REALLY hear you.


When I first met my hubby in 1996- I was the swangin' relaxed girl.... and he told me point blank - I don't like Braids, weaves, etc.....

Funny thing.....We Broke up - and I transititioned in 1998..... I wore Braids for my wedding ( We Got back together )- and My hubby is AMAZED at my hair now. HAA!! The guy that said " I don't date women with Braids" had a wife coming down the aisle in Micros.....

If you would like, you may show your hubby my recent hair do - see if he says - "oh I like that" - and then you can bust him and tell him it is NATURAL!!

I pray you can find a happy medium!

Awww, thanks so much!!

 

[momi]

I for one can understand your frustration. For those who seem to feel it does not matter what our husbands think about our hair - I think this is a very imature view. Yes it matters what my husband thinks of my appearance.

My husband was not in agreement of my decision to go natural. It was a very hard period in my life when I transitioned without his support. Actually he did not mind the transition, it was the big chop that threw him for a loop. I shared with him that I respected his opinion, but my decision was for my personal well-being and to be an example for our daughter and I hoped he would grow to enjoy my hair as much as I did.

 

[Traycee]

You can always go natural and keep your hair straightened......My girlfriend is natural but she gets her hair flat ironed every Saturday.....You can reap the benefits of being natural and keep the Hubby happy......Single folks will tell you do what makes you happy but as a married woman I know you desire to be attractive to your spouse.....

Let him know you can press and flat-iron and achieve the same look.....

 

[Loves Harmony]

I wouldnt be pissed off if he didnt accept at first. Its understanding.

 

[PeggyFair]

My husband was not in agreement of my decision to go natural. It was a very hard period in my life when I transitioned without his support. Actually he did not mind the transition, it was the big chop that threw him for a loop. I shared with him that I respected his opinion, but my decision was for my personal well-being and to be an example for our daughter and I hoped he would grow to enjoy my hair as much as I did.

Congrats to you for sticking to your guns!

 

[Loves Harmony]

You can always go natural and keep your hair straightened......My girlfriend is natural but she gets her hair flat ironed every Saturday.....You can reap the benefits of being natural and keep the Hubby happy......Single folks will tell you do what makes you happy but as a married woman I know you desire to be attractive to your spouse.....

Let him know you can press and flat-iron and achieve the same look.....

That is right! You have to make him happy as well. I would hate for this to cause an problem at home.