Reformed Abusers?
- Thread starter Shawn
- Start date
Almaz
New Member
Shawn
Well-Known Member
He has become quite a bit more religious than he was a few years back when we were together. And he says that he's different; he seems different. He says he's very sorry, has begged me to forgive him and asked for another chance.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
Ditto.
I know it's probably happened to someone out there, but I would never, ever take that chance...
There's nothing worse than not feeling safe in your own home.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
I hate to be negative, but it might last for a year, or two, or three and then something will trigger that old meanie out of him again.
I'm so sorry you've gone through that. I did too, a long time ago.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
It's not worth it my friend.
I don't want any woman to have to be frightened of her own boyfriend or husband. :Rose:
It's like you love the person they ought to have been, but most of them can't become that person in this lifetime...
TayMac
Well-Known Member
Finding God is not enough for me...sorry. I think an abuser needs some intense therapy. I'm glad he apologized..but that's still not enough.
Been there. Getting slapped and then getting a foot rub later in the evening. I would get poems, cards, flowers, dinners, clothing..none of that is worth it or excuses it. Typical abuse cycle..
Things are great...something sets him off..abuse starts..apologies/gifts..you leave..he begs and usually blames..you come back..things are great (get it?)
No offense but your statement of "I could never tell what I had done wrong" says alot. Being abused is not your fault..you were the victim. And apparently you moved on..I'd say stay away and heal yourself. Seems like he still has a "hold" on you?
Been there. Getting slapped and then getting a foot rub later in the evening. I would get poems, cards, flowers, dinners, clothing..none of that is worth it or excuses it. Typical abuse cycle..
Things are great...something sets him off..abuse starts..apologies/gifts..you leave..he begs and usually blames..you come back..things are great (get it?)
No offense but your statement of "I could never tell what I had done wrong" says alot. Being abused is not your fault..you were the victim. And apparently you moved on..I'd say stay away and heal yourself. Seems like he still has a "hold" on you?
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Shawn
Well-Known Member
^^^When I said I couldn't tell what I had done wrong, it was weird. I mean, I always thought I was being understanding and thoughtful and loving. And out of nowhere, he would get angry with me and ruin a perfectly good day/evening for us. But the chemistry was always so incredible--and his timing is such that he's caught me between relationships. So maybe that's the "hold."
ETA: Thanks ladies. I appreciate your input. I plan to ask him about whether he's had professional counseling. We haven't gotten to that point yet.
ETA: Thanks ladies. I appreciate your input. I plan to ask him about whether he's had professional counseling. We haven't gotten to that point yet.
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Bulletproof
tHicK hAIr dOn't CarE
Maybe a former abusive woman can chime in and say what steps she took, if any at all to help you know what to think about and what to put weight on.
Don't do it, sister. There are so many other people out there who you can be happy with who will not hit you. Please believe that.
He may be truly reformed, but I wouldn't risk myself to find out. And honestly, becoming religious is not enough. Religious people slip up from their convictions at times, too, and you have already seen the way in which he will slip up.
He may be truly reformed, but I wouldn't risk myself to find out. And honestly, becoming religious is not enough. Religious people slip up from their convictions at times, too, and you have already seen the way in which he will slip up.
KittenLongPaw
New Member
But this is just the point. You could be the best, most attentive, loving girlfriend ever, and he would still hit you
Because it isn't about you or what you did or didn't do, it's about HIM. You can't make an abuser not hit you by your actions, that's just how domestic violence works. You didn't do anything to cause him to hit you, it's HIS issue.^^ Thank you KittenLongPaw!! Unless he has gone through intensive counseling with a trained domestic abuse professional (at the very least 2x a week for a year or longer), and is willing to have you meet with his counselor, I would not even consider it. He would also have to tell me what his new coping strategies are as domestic violence should never be an option. (And last but not least you respect yourself as a woman and will not tolerate it!) He needs to be man enough to face his demons instead of beating, pushing, or shoving women. This man has serious issues that will take time and effort on his part to deal with.
If he thinks he has solved this problem simply by going to church, he is sadly mistaken. It takes much more than that when domestic violence is involved.
I shouldn't tell you how to live your life, but I see huge "red flags" in all your posts. I really wish you would stay away from this man.
ETA: My father is a very abusive man who refuses to acknowledge that he needs help. He is now very bitter and very alone.
If he thinks he has solved this problem simply by going to church, he is sadly mistaken. It takes much more than that when domestic violence is involved.
I shouldn't tell you how to live your life, but I see huge "red flags" in all your posts. I really wish you would stay away from this man.
ETA: My father is a very abusive man who refuses to acknowledge that he needs help. He is now very bitter and very alone.
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Keen
Well-Known Member
Like he is doing now?
^^This is what I'm talking about. He's got a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing going. He can be charming and even sing sweet love songs. Next thing you know he's frightening and physically abusive. And OP doesn't even know what brought it on or why it's happening. OP, you are describing someone who has serious mental issues. (and he thinks because he's going to church, he's all better - Boy Please!! Do you know how many sinners are sitting up in church?? Lots!!)
I grew up with this kind of craziness. Everybody tipping around on egg shells, never knowing when or what would set my father off. Its no way to live!
ETA - (oh yeah, my father went to church too, served on the usher board. I'm not trying to knock church, but unless OP's ex gets professional help to deal with his issues, its all just an act).
I grew up with this kind of craziness. Everybody tipping around on egg shells, never knowing when or what would set my father off. Its no way to live!
ETA - (oh yeah, my father went to church too, served on the usher board. I'm not trying to knock church, but unless OP's ex gets professional help to deal with his issues, its all just an act).
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LunadeMiel
Well-Known Member
Do you love yourself Shawn?
MrsAriannaAmbers
New Member
NO...unless he can identify to you his triggers and prove to you that he's been seeking professional help over time to work on those triggers...its definitely a no go...
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
I wouldn't do it. I thought you meant he was an abuser to someone else and now he has reformed and changed his life and wants to start something serious with you. But...he abused you and now wants you back? I wouldn't do it. PLUS...I'm a DV volunteer and there are some controversial theories on which type of batterer intervention programs could actually work for batterers and whether it's even possible for an abusive man to be reformed. I'm not saying batterers cannot be redeemed...but there isn't much in the way of statistics to support it right now...even though domestic violence intiatives have been going full-force for decades.
You're scaring me. Please don't do it. The charming times, the singing, the romance, are all part of the disorder. DV isn't just about violence...it's about mental manipulation and confusion as well as power and control. What you are describing is textbook domestic violence...periods of abuse and periods of honeymoon. It's TENSION, INCIDENT and HONEYMOON. And, that's the cycle. And, the unpredictability of never being able to tell what you had done wrong is also very, very scary and also is textbook for an abusive situation. You may not have healed enough to try again with him either. Because one key thing you have to understand is you didn't ever do anything wrong enough to incite violence against you.
It could end up worse next time if he slips up and fails to keep his promise to you and ends up getting violent again. He will feel like a failure and he will be more afraid than ever that he's going to lose you again...and the most dangerous period for a DV victim is right after she leaves...do you really think he has reformed enough to be able to handle losing you again? I wouldn't risk it.
Almaz
New Member
This person sounds like they have some SERIOUS mental issues. Yeah though you may love him you have to LOVE yourself even more and not deal with this madness. YOU can pray all day in church Daven all day in Synagouge and you can bow to Mecca 5 times a day like clockwork that does not mean anything. Not a thing if hes got this flip flop bi-polar thing going.
Love is not supposed to hurt period love is not abusive period
I would be ghost. a heartbroken Ghost but I would be the Ghost in your life still living and happy
Love is not supposed to hurt period love is not abusive period
I would be ghost. a heartbroken Ghost but I would be the Ghost in your life still living and happy
Mitre
Well-Known Member
JFemme
Well-Known Member
Just wow...
Op, I sincerely hope you are listening to what these ladies are sharing with you...
I'd lean toward feeling more "in over my head" than in "love"...
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kayte
Well-Known Member
you said it yourself ....you are between relationships
and you said it yourself
I love-d him ....as in past tense....
you have already spoken your truth
feeling lonely ..perhaps? vulnerable of being alone
you can get through it
he is NOT the answer to your lonliness
so he has religion ...then good
as casual aquaintances ..you can NOW have closure
say hello...glad you have found some measure of peace....
and then OP,
KIM
but as a lifelong partner or even a romantic dating relationship
out of the question
your are more precious than this..you deserve to be
with a man who cherishes the very intake of your breath..
if you go back....
there is no victim here.... only a willing volunteer
it's sado-masochistic-roulette with your life
DONT DO IT
will pm you
and you said it yourself
I love-d him ....as in past tense....
you have already spoken your truth
feeling lonely ..perhaps? vulnerable of being alone
you can get through it
he is NOT the answer to your lonliness
so he has religion ...then good
as casual aquaintances ..you can NOW have closure
say hello...glad you have found some measure of peace....
and then OP,
KIM
but as a lifelong partner or even a romantic dating relationship
out of the question
your are more precious than this..you deserve to be
with a man who cherishes the very intake of your breath..
if you go back....
there is no victim here.... only a willing volunteer
it's sado-masochistic-roulette with your life
DONT DO IT
will pm you
NYAmicas
Seeker
What a horrific story. That man is a nutjob. Those poor kids.
weaveadiva
Well-Known Member
i believe people can truly change...they just have to want to do it for themselves
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liberationtheory
Well-Known Member
notice that not one woman has come in here to say that THEY'VE personally got back with a man who abused them and it was happily ever after.
please notice that.
please notice that.
Shawn
Well-Known Member
That is a shocking story. I probably should have explained more when I started the thread. I certainly don't want to leave you ladies with the impression that my ex- was constantly physically beating me. That is not at all the case; that was the exception rather than the rule. I could never have tolerated that; given his size and athleticism, I never could have hidden the bruises and I'd probably be dead. Most of his behavior was verbal abuse, some very graphic threats, some restraining, some shoving, and some slapping; and because of his size (6'3" and 250 lbs; vs. 5'3" and 115 lbs) and my recollection of the times when he did get physical, I was mostly really intimidated by his threats. Then came all the attentiveness, the tenderness, the serenading, etc. Now, I know that those threats were abuse as well. And I'm so much stronger now and could stand up to him if necessary; but it won't be necessary.
The last time, after withstanding a year and a half of his abuse, it worked out that I met someone else and moved to where he couldn't find me. And I did feel terribly guilty because I did the very thing that he always accused me of; and it kind of made him right about not being able to trust me. I should never have answered his recent friend request on Facebook. But we've been out twice, he seems so sincere in saying that he's always adored me, I don't see any signs of his past behavior, and I still have strong feelings for him; so I just thought I would ask whether anyone had ever heard of a successful reformed abuser. And it's like the Christian thing to do is to forgive him. But now, thinking back to our dinner last week, I just remember him saying more than once, "I'll never let you go this time"; and I'm beginning to question what he meant by that--it's half-flattering and half-frightening, sort of a double-meaning.
I want to thank everyone for their concern and input. And no, I definitely don't want to live in terror again.
Bulletproof
tHicK hAIr dOn't CarE
Sound very manipulative
Shawn
Well-Known Member
Yeah, and not that I think about it, he was really a bully back then. It was awful.
