Rebuilding

S

sugarcane

New Member
Well the **** hit the fan.

Long story short, DH found out about the other man and ish got real. I made up my mind to separate from DH prior to being found out, but I don't think he believed me because I had threatened this many times before. Once he saw that I was literally on my way out the door, he panicked and stumbled across some ish that shouldn't be uncovered by anyone’s husband of their wife.

At first he went into attack mode, I have never seen DH so rageful (understandably so). Things were VERY UGLY for the first few days after him finding out. The man literally snapped and risked losing everything. The bad thing about it was that I didn't care, and I fed his rage with the lack of compassion I showed him.

He was unable to see me without "seeing red" and his actions were causing me to grow hate for him, so I went home while I knew he was away to gather some things I needed.

He came home while I was there so I hid. I hid in a closet for an hour while I listened to my husband cry his heart out. (I have never seen him cry) I listened while he talked on the phone to a friend who read him bible verses to soothe destructive thoughts. (We identify as Christians, but do not actively serve) It was the first time I saw hurt instead of rage, so I felt safe to come out.

He poured his pain out to me and I felt bad for his hurt but not my affair. While trying to comfort him, I couldn't stop myself from bringing up how his actions pushed me to an affair. I almost felt like I was being manipulative by turning the tables on him, but it was how I felt at my core.

We are at a weird place right now, its kind of strange to explain.
Although I cheated, it's as if he is doing the making up. Sometimes I feel bad for this, other times I don't.

I did not want to stop my affair but I have. I don't want to hurt DH anymore and I think he has learned to never again take me for granted. Of course he is now suspicious of my moves and his ego is severely bruised. Because of my career, I have a lot of free time and this aides his insecurities.

Now I know I won't get many people to be candid in this thread, but I was hoping to get advice from other woman whose spouse took them back after adultery. At times, I don't think he will ever really get over the hurt. How were you able to rebuild trust? PM's are welcome too.
 
sugarcane said:
I listened while he talked on the phone to a friend who read him bible verses to soothe destructive thoughts. (We identify as Christians, but do not actively serve)
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Sorry haven't been in this situation so cant share on that. But I wondered why you were not able to do this together throughout your difficult time with each other? Are you both seeking counselling (individually and together)? What has really changed (aside from him finding out) to make you or your husband feel this time it will be different?
 
I don't want to be a Negative Nelly but 99.9% (Lucie-statistics) of men cannot move on. I know from experience. They do not look at you the same. I am not sure if it is the physical act of what has happened with you and the other man, the blow to his solar plexus, or a combination but I hope you are in the minority of women that can move on, IF that is what you want. Also, I know you are feeling numb. I did too. At first, you feel like since the ship is going down, you might as well just get everything out. Don't! You are wrong! I know how it feels to crave the attention or whatever it is you were desiring but right now you have to deal with his feelings. It will hurt BUT he is hurt. How would you feel if it was you?

Right now, he needs some space and so do you. Do not make any rash decisions. I suggest you get some counseling. From what I remember you were not sure if you wanted to remain married but still get some counseling. Whether it be together (preferably) or apart. And please make sure you do your research on who your counselor will be. I used to be a Christian and I feel they do more damage than good.

One last thing, keep this as contained as possible. Family, friends, the church, whatever. I am not sure your DH can/will but one last piece of advice, keep your lips zipped and vent here or somewhere anonymous. The he-said-she-said will be brutal at this point and you do want to minimize the collateral damage regardless of your current feelings.
 
Thank you both for responding. DH was not open to any kind of help before this happended. As I shared in the past, he had a "like it or leave" attitude about our marriage.

I know men have a much harder time getting over infidelity than women. That's why I was hoping to get some feedback. Unfortunately, DH was so hurt that he shared my affair with anyone who would listen and is now thoroughly embarrased.
 
Does he want to get help now? Do you? This is such a messy situation. Having other people know about your situation makes it that much harder for you to work things out. I really don't know what to tell you.
 
sugarcane said:
Thank you both for responding. DH was not open to any kind of help before this happended. As I shared in the past, he had a "like it or leave" attitude about our marriage.

I know men have a much harder time getting over infidelity than women. That's why I was hoping to get some feedback. Unfortunately, DH was so hurt that he shared my affair with anyone who would listen and is now thoroughly embarrased.
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That is all normal. That is why I told you, keep whatever you can to yourself, here or a super-duper trusted friend. I will keep you and your DH in my prayers. If I may ask, are you still involved with the other man? What do you want? Do you want your marriage to work? All the best to you.
 
Honestly, I find your post to be quite contraditory and confusing. You're asking about rebuilding trust, yet you admit that you didn't care about him "snapping and losing everything". You also said you didn't want to stop the affair.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem to me like you TRULY love your husband. You're very nonchalant about this whole thing. Do you really want to work things out?
 
I have no personal experience but I think counseling of some sort is a must to move forward. It is HARD once trust is broken.

However you don't sound remorseful except that you got caught so do you still not want to be married? What would have happened had he not stumbled upon the messages, pics or whatever it was?
 
MzLady78 said:
Honestly, I find your post to be quite contraditory and confusing. You're asking about rebuilding trust, yet you admit that you didn't care about him "snapping and losing everything". You also said you didn't want to stop the affair.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem to me like you TRULY love your husband. You're very blaze' about this whole thing. Do you really want to work things out?
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Idk if that's a fair assessment. OP feels hurt by her DH in other ways which is part of what led to the affair. I understand how she can feel like he deserves some of the hurt he's feeling, even though she absolutely handled the situation the wrong way. Emotions in a marriage can be very complicated when things aren't going well. I don't condone cheating, but I do know marriage can be hard and a lot of people aren't equipped to deal with real issues.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
Idk if that's a fair assessment. OP feels hurt by her DH in other ways which is part of what led to the affair. I understand how she can feel like he deserves some of the hurt he's feeling, even though she absolutely handled the situation the wrong way. Emotions in a marriage can be very complicated when things aren't going well. I don't condone cheating, but I do know marriage can be hard and a lot of people aren't equipped to deal with real issues.
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Maybe, but that's why I said I could be wrong.

To *me*, the fact that she said she didn't want to stop the affair is very telling. If she had said "I wanted to stop and focus on saving my marriage", my response would have been a little different. But the lack of empathy or remorse in her post makes me wonder. Maybe there is some, but it's not being conveyed here, IMO, and that's all I can comment on until she says different.
 
MzLady78 said:
Maybe, but that's why I said I could be wrong.

To *me*, the fact that she said she didn't want to stop the affair is very telling. If she had said "I wanted to stop and focus on saving my marriage", my response would have been a little different. But the lack of empathy or remorse in her post makes me wonder. Maybe there is some, but it's not being conveyed here, IMO, and that's all I can comment on until she says different.
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True. I don't know if she is interested in working things out either. I'm just saying I don't think she doesn't love or care about him at all, maybe there's just too much damage done on both sides.
 
Maybe you guys need to separate to get individual bearings on what you would like to see happen in the future. Sometimes when you're all up in each other's face it's hard to really assess what's needed or wanted.
 
I can see how my emotions can come across as contradictory because thats exactly how I feel. I have stopped all communication with the OM not because I wanted to but because I got caught. Sounds F'd up but it's the truth.

I was pretty much on the way out the door so my emotional investment was/is minimal but I am trying to get to a better place. Seeing my DH so broke down and humble has caused me to see a love for me that I was unsure existed anymore. As screwed up as it sounds, I almost feel like this was a necessary evil. I a kind of feel like I am rambling but I hope I come across as somewhat understandable.

Thank you all for allowing me to express my feelings here.
 
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I get it. Sometimes, we get caught up in ourselves and when we see what we have done to our loved one it humbles us and makes us realize what we have. I am really praying hard for you and your DH.

I am glad you could share your feelings with us. I have always been upfront about my stuff, despite being judged for it. But trust you are not alone. Many have been in your shoes. It's interesting reading your words because I was where you are almost 12+ years ago. You are perfectly understandable. I know it is hard but forgive yourself. And if you are going to work at your marriage, be prepared to roll up your sleeves and give it all you got! :)
 
Op I don't know if I am right or make sense but I know that folks can go through a who gamut of emotions before they make a real decision about what they want to do. Your husband can go from angry and shocked, to feeling guilty about whatever part he played that led you to your decision right back to anger again then possibly revenge or walking out the door. I think that in situations like this a person can feel like " No you're mine, I'm not tryna lose you to no other dude. Then when things calm down and he sees that he succeeded in maintaining what he almost lost, he can really think about how you hurt him. In my personal opinion, cheating is so hard to come back from.

My feelings have always been that if anyone cheated...just leave. Of course the emotional investment and vows make it more difficult which makes me fearful (as I explained a bit in my other thread). People hold on to ish like this for the life of the relationship no matter what they say. I don't think people really forgive like they say they do. My coworker/ friend says she still throws her husbands adultery in his face almost 8 yrs after the affair ended. Then she told me that at times she still thinks about payback. I dunno.


Boy I've been a negative nelly today. Sorry op :(
 
^^^ You aren't being a negative nelly; You're being real and thats what I came seeking.

I have actually had the same thoughts about this...
 
At this point ,it will be one day at a time. I agree with the ladies,counseling will need to take place. As Lucie mentioned containing the information would be ideal,the more people he tells the more opportunity there is for someone to remind him. you mentioned being Christians now is the time to really study your faith TOGETHER.especially the concept of forgiveness.Do not for any reason give details of the actual affair,keep details to yourself. Get rid of all items and inferences to the affair if possible. Good luck.
 
IDK what advice to offer @sugarcane. No judgement here, though.

I do agree space is needed. You have been humbled but still have to decide what you want. You still sound like you don't know. His first instinct may be to try and save the marriage--I think that's a gut-reaction. But as things sink in, as his hurt turns back to rage you will see flip-flops.

He will start to ask a million questions. Will want details of the affair, the sex, about the dude. Everything. Tell him. All of it. Give him to the tools to decide what he wants.

My exH cheated and confessed to it 5 years after the fact. My contribution to his cheating was my nervous breakdown and was not available to him sexually for 3 months. We've been separated going on 3 years now this being one of the main reasons. I am filing for divorce. Even though it's years after there are moments of pure hate for him. And disgust. And pity. And love. And regrets. I don't think I will ever get over it. 20 years blew up in my face and that wasn't really my fault.

I can understand how a PP said the wife still brings it up 8 years after the fact--I get it! That would be me. Best to end it.

Hopefully, your husband has more forgiveness in his heart. Hopefully, later, you will be able to forgive yourself as well--and him too! Lots of soul-searching to do no matter how things turn out.
 
MzLady78 said:
Honestly, I find your post to be quite contraditory and confusing. You're asking about rebuilding trust, yet you admit that you didn't care about him "snapping and losing everything". You also said you didn't want to stop the affair.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem to me like you TRULY love your husband. You're very nonchalant about this whole thing. Do you really want to work things out?
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I have to say that was my first reaction.

Based on what you wrote, you're not sorry for the affair and now you're reconsidering leaving him because he's working overtime to woo you back. But your apparent lack of remorse may come back to bite you.

It doesn't sound like he is processing his pain....he's hurt and scared to lose you and the marriage so he's in survival mode. But trust, he needs to process that anger and betrayal and most likely it will happen when he feels like you have recommitted to the marriage.

First off you need to decide if you really want to be in this marriage...I get the sense it's a toss up. Second counseling is in order. Both of you need to get real with each other and whether you are both committed to do ALL the work needed to repair your marriage.

Best of luck to you OP
 
DarkJoy said:
He will start to ask a million questions. Will want details of the affair, the sex, about the dude. Everything. Tell him. All of it. Give him to the tools to decide what he wants.
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This. I am unsure if the full truth is warranted. He has started asking me things and my answers seemed to make things worse (got me choked too). He sometimes ask questions, then starts getting excited, telling me not to answer. I feel like only lying will make him feel better but I am so tired of doing that.
 
sugarcane said:
This. I am unsure if the full truth is warranted. He has started asking me things and my answers seemed to make things worse (got me choked too). He sometimes ask questions, then starts getting excited, telling me not to answer. I feel like only lying will make him feel better but I am so tired of doing that.
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CHOKED!
Please separate at least until things can cool down.
No matter what happened this is NEVER acceptable.
 
sugarcane said:
This. I am unsure if the full truth is warranted. He has started asking me things and my answers seemed to make things worse (got me choked too). He sometimes ask questions, then starts getting excited, telling me not to answer. I feel like only lying will make him feel better but I am so tired of doing that.
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I don't see how answering questions about the sex helps anything. Torture for you and for him.

If you are serious about working this out then invest in counseling.
 
sugarcane said:
This. my answers seemed to make things worse (got me choked too). He sometimes ask questions, then starts getting excited, telling me not to answer.
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Omg. He is not sane or rational right now. stay elsewhere until he calms down. Don't let your guilt or feelings of responsibility keep you in a dangerous situation. Take the kids too if you got them.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*
 
OP do you mean physically choked or choked up?

If you mean physically choked just end it already. You don't seem invested in the relationship and he can't control his rage.
 
sugarcane said:
This. I am unsure if the full truth is warranted. He has started asking me things and my answers seemed to make things worse (got me choked too). He sometimes ask questions, then starts getting excited, telling me not to answer. I feel like only lying will make him feel better but I am so tired of doing that.
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I'm never married but I don't think he needs the sordid details sorry. All that will do is implant a memory in his head and when he thinks of it, will get upset again. He is having a whole mix of emotions and needs some alone time to process it all.

He choked you so he is not coping well. Give him space and decide what YOU want to do. Do you want to salvage the marriage?
 
Good luck to you and your marriage. I hope you and your husband are able to work things out. I know people can be judgmental on this board but ignore that. Sometimes you have to have an anonymous place to share. Don't tell details about sex with the other man. He only thinks he wants to know. He is going to flip flop with his emotions but anyone would in this situation. I'm sure you had moments during your affair where you were happy,excited then guilty then excited again. Emotions are funny like that. What you did wasn't right. But we all do wrong to the person we love in some way or another. My wrong may not be your wrong. We're all human and sometimes we find ourselves acting out of our normal character.
 
As a reformed cheater, I get everything you mentioned.
In. My experience, men don't handle this stuff well and never fully get over it, or at least mine didn't....
I wasn't married though.....
 
TayMac said:
I'm never married but I don't think he needs the sordid details sorry. All that will do is implant a memory in his head and when he thinks of it, will get upset again. He is having a whole mix of emotions and needs some alone time to process it all.

He choked you so he is not coping well. Give him space and decide what YOU want to do. Do you want to salvage the marriage?
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TayMac, I think that's what women would want to hear, not men. The more details you give the worse of you'll be IMO.
 
I would never advocate giving sexually explicit details! But id assume he'd ask why? When? How long? Do you love him? Do you love me? I think it's impossible to dodge questions like that. However her DH is off the rails right now what with assaulting her and all. She needs to leave for her own safety.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*
 
My brother told me of a situation; he found 'evidence' in 2011 which he feels convicts my sisnlaw of cheatg on him in 1986! After all the good shes done in his life he STILL cant get past this. Mind you, he has no real proof. Just puttg 2 and 2 together in his mind, and some questions hes not gettg answrs to because 'she cant rembr, it was so long ago'.
My husband explained my brothers feelgs this way. His pride is hurt, his judgement is suspect, his woman betrayed him, his foundation is shattered. He has nothg to stand on, out in the world naked and alone.
My brothr is still married and livg w his wife. He isw miserable. Granted this is not their only issue at home but this is the one that bothers him the most.
I dont believe your DH will get over this. For most men, just the thought of another man w his woman is enough to boil blood, if he loves her.
Good luck to both of you
 
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