Real Friendships

[CaraWalker]

i was just thinking about something... i had a friend that i was very conflicted about because she wanted us to be friends, and tried more than most people would have to keep the friendship going. but in a lot of ways she was toxic for me, and i always felt like i was either biting my tongue or going off on her. in some ways i was trying to push her away to end the friendship while sort of wishing we could still be friends. in the end the problematic things won out and i let the silence stand, even though i thought about reaching out to her.

do you make a lot of active choices about your friendships? my standards for friendships are pretty high because i am pretty content without a large social circle and feel like friends need to really add something tangible to my life. also, i think it may be the case that if i cant be happy for you, i'm not really your friend and you're not really mine. this ex friend posted something about having a potential new bf and a potential new job lined up. and my immediate reaction wasnt happiness for her. on the other hand, i have a friend who if she had said that she had both those things on the way i would be over the moon for her because she's fantastic and she deserves it.

i sometimes feel i'm too quick to cut people off. do you keep your friendships without consideration to ending them, or do you look at friendships with women sort of the same way youd look at a relationship with a man - if it's not working, its time to break up.

thoughts?

 

[Arian]

You and I are just alike. I dislike one way friendships, friendships that are taxing on me, etc. And I dip real quick w/o saying a word. But I let people know how I am up front, so when I do it that way they know the deal. To date, I only have 3 friends (that I consider friends anyway). The rest are just...floaters. I don't think they know it, though.

I put people on my own private levels. Level 1s are people I can count on...anything below that is questionable. And usually, when Input you on a level other than 1, you cannot go back.

But I'm an Aries, so... lol...they say we are complicated.

ETA: and by dip real quick, I mean...I stop taking phone calls and responding to texts..or if I do, it is short. Now I must add that I won't do this until I have had an extensive talk with the person about the state of our friendship. If they don't listen... *shrugs*

 

[LiftedUp]

My closest friends are those I've made in school. I haven't made any tangible friendships as an adult per se.

I've never really been in drama with friends however there are things some of my friends will do that will make me question a lot if things. However I try my best to keep f grounded dvd understand that I may go things that may make them question our relationship as well. For example I'm bossy aa hayle and if I'm pmsing, you do not want to know me. However, despite all of that they're still in mY life and I'm in theirs. I'm grateful for the friends I have, very. That's one if the reasons why I do not jump in the cut them off. Bandwagon. I live a very whole, happy and enjoyable life and a big contribution to that are the positive relationships I've formed in all sectors of my life. Even if it didn't flourish into a full fledged friendship.

 

[Fine 4s]

10 cha.....

 

[Fine 4s]

i was just thinking about something... i had a friend that i was very conflicted about because she wanted us to be friends, and tried more than most people would have to keep the friendship going. but in a lot of ways she was toxic for me, and i always felt like i was either biting my tongue or going off on her. in some ways i was trying to push her away to end the friendship while sort of wishing we could still be friends. in the end the problematic things won out and i let the silence stand, even though i thought about reaching out to her.

Like a friend of convenience? You call when you're bored and nothing better to do?

do you make a lot of active choices about your friendships? my standards for friendships are pretty high because i am pretty content without a large social circle and feel like friends need to really add something tangible to my life. also, i think it may be the case that if i cant be happy for you, i'm not really your friend and you're not really mine. this ex friend posted something about having a potential new bf and a potential new job lined up. and my immediate reaction wasnt happiness for her. on the other hand, i have a friend who if she had said that she had both those things on the way i would be over the moon for her because she's fantastic and she deserves it.

What does this mean? Like what? I hear people say that all the time but what is it that you are looking for?

I like that bar. If I can't be happy for you, chances are I don't FEEL you are a friend. What if envy gets mixed in there?

My expectations are high but I also give a lot. I have a lot of acquaintances and people who THINK they are my friends but really I don't have many people I consider 'friends.' Howeer, people who are my 'friends' are there by default sad to say. Had them around for decades. I never carefully chose my friends and I wish I had. The number of years someone has been a friend means nothing. People aren't collectibles. Persons can't be vintage or antique so the number of years doesn't add value. It could very well mean that you are unable to cut folks off. People grow, people change and sometimes that friendship break up is for the best AND provides the best opportunity for growth Most of these 'friends' have failed me at some point or another but I've held on. That can't be healthy....

i sometimes feel i'm too quick to cut people off. do you keep your friendships without consideration to ending them, or do you look at friendships with women sort of the same way youd look at a relationship with a man - if it's not working, its time to break up.

thoughts?

I don't break up with people easily. period. point blank. still learning...

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

See my signature….yep, it took me getting knocked down by so called friends before I finally learned my lesson.

There are good people out there and if your meant to be friends then you'll be friends. Either you or someone else trying to force a friendship never works, gotta let it happen naturally.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I don't break up with people easily. period. point blank. still learning...

This is me, it's not necessarily a good thing but I'm working on it. I ended my first friendship in life this year and I'M working on cutting down my social circle because I've always had too many friends that I'm constantly juggling. Would like to get it down to just my two best friends that live locally (I have two other best friends in other states) with everybody else being being downgraded to acquaintance status. That's my goal for 2015 Now as far as diff between romantic relationships and friendships, I'm def better at cutting those off than friendships.

I don't think its wise to keep people around that don't bring u happiness. Friends are a choice so I think it's perfectly fine to choose wisely and with your own guidelines you feel comfortable with.

 

[Arian]

I agree with Fine 4s... I have a friend now who has been my friend much longer than others, and I can't say that she would be the first person I would call if I went to jail..

However, the friend that I have known the least amount of time has been there for me through a lot and I would not hesitate to make her my one phone call from behind bars (if it ever came to that)...

 

[StarFish106]

I have had some friends that I had to fade to black on. Some were childhood friends, one was a college friend. When I started noticing the 'friendship' was uneven (I always called, they only called when they wanted something etc.). I valued our friendship more than they valued mine. And that hurt.

I think the straw was when I had MAJOR surgery in 07 and 2 of them called weeks later because folks were asking them how was I doing and it looked bad that they had no clue since they never called me. One of them lives 5 minutes from me. The other one kept asking me was I coming to her housewarming, never once asked how I was doing (and she knew I had surgery and knew the last one I had was bad too) and prior to that I hadn't heard from her in months.

But friends I made in 05 came to visit me more than once, took me out to dinner to get me out the house since I couldn't drive or anything. Those friends are still here to this day and have shown me what a true non jealous friendship looks like. I so appreciate these women in my life.

As far as the other 3, when I see 2 of them it's hey...hug and keep it moving. I don't see the other one. I wish no one animosity, I want what I always wanted for my friends, to be happy. But I know for me to be happy, they cannot be in my circle any longer. They claimed they don't know why I faded on them. One day I just turned around and left quietly. They hadn't been paying me much attention anyway, I figured it would take a moment before they would notice I wasn't there in my usual spot anyway.

 

[lenu80]

Just ended a 7 year friendship which was difficult but I had to do it. I made her my daughter's godmother and told her she could no longer be so. Bad advice was given to my husband by her, made up stories, insecurities, childish behavior and immaturity. Still hurts but each day gets better. I had surgery and not a call to see how I was doing. Told others how I mistreated her but forgot the nasty things she told my husband. Pathetic.
I've always been the friend that gives advice, love you through stuff, give but I realized I was giving too much and felt less support. Every one has their breaking point, yes I'm an introvert but don't take me for a fool.

 

[Layluh]

I don't have any friends. Well, I have one (I think), but she's a co-worker, so we'll see if we're actually friends when either of us quits.

I usually just become 'friends' with whoever I'm dating's friends. That way, there's boundaries, I don't have to give TOO much or be there for every little moment and whatever other time/money consuming things friends make you do. I have ish to do and I need the people who I'm actually friends with to inspire me and be on the up & up.

 

[GoldenRule]

My life is just one long fluid motion. People come in and out of it all the time for various reasons. Nothing is ever permanent. Friends, lovers, husbands, wives...over time all will come and all will go, some return and some do not. Once you realize the transitory nature of human relationships, you become less resistant when it's time for change and there's a peacefulness in that. When it's time to part ways, it's time.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

I just dropped two that I'd had for 9 and 8 years. When they no longer fulfill what I think their duty is as friends, I have no problem letting them go.
I feel like boosie- even tho I can't *** with him anymore after his comment about African Americans- "if you my hitta you my hitta then we stick together thick n thin, you my hitta then, my hitta then!"
If they don't do that, bye.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I'm 41. The majority of my 9 friends are people I have known for over 20 years. Only one of those folks has ever been in danger of getting cut off and the jury is still out because she can be very useful.

It's not hard to maintain these friendships. I don't do hard. That's for other people.

 

[victorious]

I'm slowly ending a friendship (almost 20 yrs). I don't want to deal with her negativity in 2015.

Everything was cool when she earned lots of money. But she got in a situation with eyes opened wide and suffered some difficulties. She doesn't accept advice or constructive criticism well. She feels entitled to special treatment wherever she goes. She expects people to help her on her terms.

She puts people down so she can feel good about herself. People told me, but I didn't want to believe it until she tried me. Another call interrupted our conversationso I didn't responI now understand why her other friend is so distant now.

She recently had a death in the family, so I'm trying to be sympathetic.

 

[sgold04]

My really close friends are girls I went to undergrad with (been friends 13 or 14 years), I've made deep connections with other folks since then, but I don't maintain those relationships like I do with the women I went to school with (I move around a lot). I have no problem cutting off negative or judgmental people, I'm usually able to gauge those attributes early on, so we never become close in the first place. Other times, you just out grow people (or they outgrow you). I'd say I'm pretty zen about my friendships, what will be will be, and I cut out the folks who have too many issues to actually be a good friend (those who are envious, insecure, judgmental) i do wish I was able to apply this same philosophy with men.

 

[lunabelle]

Deleted.....

 

[Rocky91]

I wouldn't say I have particularly high standards for friends, but as I get older, I am slowly realizing that I have a few people that I consider friends who have me much lower on their priority list than I have them on mine. So I've adjusted accordingly, and it's no harm, no foul.

I'm super open and easy-going, and I think sometimes my trusting nature has me opening up to people and sharing stuff they would never share with me. I'm slowly learning how to curb that tendency and devote my time and energy to people who actually will reciprocate. Not that I am a tit for tat kinda girl but example I got recently: I'm a newly certified personal trainer. Ppl who don't really talk to me like that have come out the woodwork asking me to train them for free. Ummm do I *** with u like that? Nope. I'm sending these people my hourly rate

In the past, I might have been like sure, why not, I'm tryna be nice blah blah blah.

 

[Kindheart]

I wouldn't say I have particularly high standards for friends, but as I get older, I am slowly realizing that I have a few people that I consider friends who have me much lower on their priority list than I have them on mine. So I've adjusted accordingly, and it's no harm, no foul.

I'm super open and easy-going, and I think sometimes my trusting nature has me opening up to people and sharing stuff they would never share with me. I'm slowly learning how to curb that tendency and devote my time and energy to people who actually will reciprocate. Not that I am a tit for tat kinda girl but example I got recently: I'm a newly certified personal trainer. Ppl who don't really talk to me like that have come out the woodwork asking me to train them for free. Ummm do I *** with u like that? Nope. I'm sending these people my hourly rate

In the past, I might have been like sure, why not, I'm tryna be nice blah blah blah.

Thats how it should be ! Congrats on your PT job ! Thats a cool job and its good to be sociable just dont talk much about your business to your clients .

 

[Brownie]

.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I don't have a lot of real friendships. Most of them have been one-sided with me doing the caring and feeding to the relationship. Just this past summer I have decided to not do so anymore but to focus on the ones that value my time and and are reciprocal. It really hurt me because these are ladies I've known for over 10 years. I was so busy with a lot that was going on I'm my life and was too busy to notice that I was the one that always initiated contact, I was not invited to do things with them (although they posted pics on social media with their other friends). Now that my life has calmed down, I notice. I'm working on not taking it personally, but like a previous poster mentioned life is a continuous flow of changes.

 

[PlainJane]

Wow. Lots of good advice in this thread. I had to end two friendships this year and I was viewed as a very cold hearted person for doing so. Nice to see that it is just a part of life.

 

[Brownie]

.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I ended a friendship a couple months ago. Theres 2 threads on it. It hurt because we got close really quickly and were always hanging out but she was needy and toxic so it needed to happen. Especially now that I'm studying for the bar. She took it in July and didn't pass and is probably a basket case right now. Not what I need. She's not close to her family and used me as her #1 source of support and her therapist. She takes and takes but doesn't give at all. I came back from vacation and was rushed to the hospital immediately after landing and she was texting me nonstop about all her problems. I was able to go home that same night thankfully but needed to take it easy and the next day she was begging me to come meet her. But she treats everyone this way: lesson learned.

The friendships I have now have developed over time. I'm cool with only having a few. Less drama that way.

 

[leleepop]

I have a friend that I am dealing with like that now.15+ years Like you, I don't use the term friend lightly. Quality not quantity is most important, and I can count my friends on my hand. We have been friends since high school. I have been telling her some things about her certain values for a long time ,but she refused to listen and pressed forward with her decisions. She always acted like she knew more, and actually didn't respect my logic. We live in a small town too. The result has been really detrimental to her whole life and now she is in a bad place in life. I on the other hand am in a good 1(or at least I still truly want to see her happy) . I know she is not happy for me , and the friendship has taken a competition spirit on her part. She even asks me how much income comes into my home(she's nowhere near poor or in need)? I had a child, moved and she hasn't been over & my daughter is 1 next week. She makes excuses, but how is that a friend.? She is really like a sister, but every time we talk now I get toxic vibes. I really don't have much to add, sounds like we are in the same boat. I understand what you're going through. hugs