Question of the day

[Uniqzoe]

A coworker of mine has an 7 year old daughter with beautiful MBL hair (sorry I don't have any pics of her hair). Her hair is possibly 3a/3b texture, as I have only seen her in pictures and not in person. Her mother normally styles her hair by putting them in twist or straightening it for the week.

The mom (who is a licensed but not practicing beautician), complains about the amount of time it takes for her to do the little girl's hair every weekend. However, her husband is adamant about her NOT relaxing their daughter's hair. A couple of weeks ago the mom said that she put a texturizer in the girls hair without telling her husband or the daughter what she was doing. She told me that the following week her daughter asked her "Mommy will that conditioner you put on my hair make my hair stay straight?"

My question: Do you think the mom was wrong for putting chemicals in her child's hair against her husband's wishes?

 

[Virtuosa]

Absolutely! She should be honest with her man. I wouldn't want to fight with my husband over hair. They could've worked something out....But then again...maybe she did it because she's the one who has to put in all the work taking care of the baby's hair.

 

[faithVA]

Did she say why he was adamant about not relaxing her hair?

 

[Bublin]

She was wrong, wrong, wrong.....and her daughter will most likely tell her Daddy as kids never keep their mouths quiet.

 

[diadall]

I think when you are co-parenting you need to talk things through, especially when it comes to the child.

I think she should have communicated:
She does the hair and it takes effort
She is licensed

I don't know what would happen if they still did not agree. But you still have to try.

 

[Uniqzoe]

Did she say why he was adamant about not relaxing her hair?

No she didn't but he is a very opinionated person and hard to win and argument with so she probably didn't want to deal with that aspect of it.

She was wrong, wrong, wrong.....and her daughter will most likely tell her Daddy as kids never keep their mouths quiet.

This is why she told the little girl it was conditioner. erplexed

 

[faithVA]

I'm wishy washy on this one. I don't have a definite yes or no.

I do believe that people in a relationship should talk things over and come to some type of agreement. I also know that in real life some people you just can't talk to. That is an issue in itself.

I also don't really like the idea of putting chemicals on a child's head prior to puberty because they are still developing and those chemicals are can move through the system much faster and to a higher degree than in an adult.

Ok, yeah I think she was wrong. But I don't have to do the little girls head.

 

[tiffers]

Yep, she was wrong.

 

[Wanderland]

I think its her child and she should do what she wants with the hair.
Yes, she should have discussed it with the husband but he's the one with the chore of combing her hair. Maybe he would have been willing to pay fir someone else to do it (unlikely since she is a stylist) but he shouldn't be dictating the hairstyle if he is not maintaining it.


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[southerncitygirl]

she was dead wrong....why can't she do two strand twists or cornrows and keep them in for 2wks at a time.....she doesn't have to do her hair daily. i understand that the hubby may not be helping her but going behind his back is not cool. what if daughter has a reaction to the chems or over time her hair becomes damaged? just because she's licensed means nothing to me, the bulk of us on here had horrible experiences with so called licensed stylists.

 

[Uniqzoe]

just because she's licensed means nothing to me, the bulk of us on here had horrible experiences with so called licensed stylists.

I completely agree with this. Being the hair obsessed person that I am, there have been times when she has said things to me about products and hair care that I disagree with.

I don't think that she should have done it that way but I don't believe in relaxing/texturizing a child's hair that early anyway. My daughter has very thick, coarse 4a/4b hair like mine and her wash days were truly an ordeal but yet I did not relax her hair until she was 12 and now regret it deeply.

 

[ChristmasCarol]

I hate to be harsh, but if this is her MO, she is quite deceitful and they won't be married very long. Or maybe they will be married, but it won't be a happy marriage. She was dead wrong, IMO.

ITA with the previous posters, she should have put her DD's hair into a protective style until she came to some sort of agreement with her husband.

 

[faithVA]

My ex and I fought about this subject. His daughter was natural when I started doing her hair and she was around 10. I was not against relaxing her hair I was against relaxing her hair before she knew how to care for it. I wanted her to take her time and learn how to care for her hair, keep it clean and style it. I took care of the hair on the weekend, shampooing, styling, but I wanted her ot take the time to do it during the week. I wanted her hair to be nice and healthy when she went to high school which is when I thought she would be ready to maintain her hair with a relaxer.

But his mom was hot with me which I didn't care. She did her daughters hair her entire life and the daughter never learned to care for her hair. So she was then in her 20s with ratty hair. I just wanted better for his daughter. Well 1st chance they had, they relaxed her hair and of course its harder to go back. So now she is mid 20s with ratty hair that she doesn't know how to care for.

I know there can be intense differences on how to care for a child's hair. I favor looking long term vs. short term. There a many factors involved.

 

[Calia001]

I think its her child and she should do what she wants with the hair.
Yes, she should have discussed it with the husband but he's the one with the chore of combing her hair. Maybe he would have been willing to pay fir someone else to do it (unlikely since she is a stylist) but he shouldn't be dictating the hairstyle if he is not maintaining it.


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I don't think it's healthy in a two parent relationship to start claiming who the child belongs to. That does nothing to assist in the problem and totally belittles the father's role. If she doesn't want to comb the childs hair, give her locs. She'll never have to run a comb through it again. Texturizing still requires styling, detangling, arranging. I don't see that helping

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[Shananyganz]

Hayel yes she was wrong...and she knows she was wrong, hence why she "LIED" to her little girl. You see the funny thing about doing things and lying about it, is that you have to KEEP lying---conditioner??? I understand that quite possibly (more than likely), the father had nothing to do with the actual maintenance of the hair, but even with that as a factor--- it was NOT a good look for her to lie/be deceitful.

I’m sure there are missing pieces to the overall puzzle, but just taking this question at face value, I think she was wrong as day.

~S~

ETA: Her possibly wanting to avoid confrontation with her hard-to-win-arguments- against-and-opinionated husband (this taken from various information up thread) is the REAL issue and it is unfortunate that she is bringing her daughter into this matter.

 

[sunnieb]

She was wrong for not discussing this with her husband first.

She was wrong for flat out lying to her daughter.

She was wrong for complaining about doing her daughter's hair. I mean, did she do this in front of her daughter?

I also think she should not have put chemicals in that baby's hair, but I don't judge what folks do with their own kids' hair. It's a relaxer, not a beat down. Doesn't mean she's doomed to have damaged hair either.

If her husband was adamant about this, he will definitely be mad when he finds out.

Bad situation all around.

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[Lucie]

She was absolutely wrong. What if the mom was adamant about something and the dad just did what he wanted?

 

[MsChelle]

She was wrong. She did something she knew he would not agree to behind his back. That is always wrong.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

Yep she was wrong. What if the little girl's hair reacted badly to the relaxer?? If it had started falling out by the handful she would have been in hot water. How would she explain that she was deceitful (she lied to them both) and her reasoning? I don't agree with what she did at all. I'm not up for telling people what to do with their kids, but....


Yep. Dead wrong.

 

[LittleLuxe]

To be honest it seems like a personal issue between her and her husband.

In general I don't think you can look at a surface issue when there's something deeper going on. Putting myself in her position I'd hate have a spouse, especially a man, tell me how and what I would NOT be doing in my child's hair. Especially if he's doing that sitting on the couch while I'm the one doing the hard work.

It doesn't sound like he respects her opinion or wants to compromise with her. AlsO people need to remember not every person has had a night mare experience with relaxer. If you're an individual who was relaxed young but never had any negative experience you may not really have any guilt or feelings of negativity over putting it in your daughter's hair. I see women on this board lamenting on the poor chewed up hair relaxed hair when they were young but my childhood experience was nothing but good.

Honestly I'm more annoyed by her husband. Finance may also be an issue for her with other options.

 

[PinkGirlFluff]

Ummm, I cannot foresee making that kind of decision without the consent of my husband. We actually have already had this convo and we do not have kids yet. I am not judging her because I don't know her or her family. Personally I think that a lot of people would love to have a male figure in their home that cared enough for their child to even have an opinion about it.

 

[aviddiva77]

I think she was dead wrong (I forsee this argument in my brother's future). My question is if she does hair for a living, why was doing her daughter's so difficult? Shouldn't she know what to do with it WITHOUT having to texturize it? Then again, I have no clue what they teach you in cosmetology school.

I get her dilemma but maybe she should have explained it to her hubby or taken her to someone who does know what to do with her hair?

You know the little girl is going to snitch on her. "Daddy look how straight and pretty my hair is. Mommy put some cream on it that made it straight! YA!"

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

Ummm, I cannot foresee making that kind of decision without the consent of my husband. We actually have already had this convo and we do not have kids yet. I am not judging her because I don't know her or her family. Personally I think that a lot of people would love to have a male figure in their home that cared enough for their child to even have an opinion about it.

We're right here. ---><--- FH and I discuss everything from non-existent kids, to finances, to everything else. We have that type of relationship (and I realize that not every one does and I truly respect that.) IMHO it's not about co-dependence or lack of "power" in a relationship. It's about respect.