Question for Married / Long Term Relationship Ladies

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
...were you attracted to your DH / SO at first?

Here's my latest dilemma (it's always something)

I tried EHarmony (again) and met a...OK... guy. Put it this way. He was the most attractive of the unattractive guys they sent. He's not totally unfortunate looking and his profile seemed halfway decent, so I decided to give him a try (I ain't getting any younger).

Here's the thing. For the most part, he seems like a nice guy. We get along well, and enjoy each other's company, but I am just NOT physically attracted to the guy. There is absolutely no spark or stomach flip. I don't even have a desire to kiss this guy.... That can't be good.

I am REALLY trying not to nit pick in this case, because he really is nice, but he's not doing it for me. Isn't there something to be said about physical attraction?

My latest list of "fix ups": He has about a 30 pound spare tire on his mid section that I would like to see gone. After my first visit to his apartment (not a home owner), it's apparent that his income is probably lower than I'd like it to be. He also drives a car that is about to fall apart, and though he says he's college educated, the man BUTCHERS the English language. We have had conversations, and sometimes some of the words he mispronounces or misuses makes me cringe.

Am I just a stuck up, picky you know what? I am trying to stick around for a bit to see if he grows on me, but should it be this hard?

Is a well educated, gainfully employed, finanacially responsible, physically fit black man with NO KIDS that tall of an order? I'm not asking for anything that I'm not.... this is frustrating...
 
I was very physically attracted to my dh when we met (still am). Sorry OP.

By the sounds of your description of dude, I would keep it moving. It sounds like your totally settling. You didn't list one reason to even stick with dude other than the fact he was matched with you.

Marriage is a long time. You at least need a stomach flutter or something.
 
snilloh said:
I was very physically attracted to my dh when we met (still am). Sorry OP.

By the sounds of your description of dude, I would keep it moving. It sounds like your totally settling. You didn't list one reason to even stick with dude other than the fact he was matched with you.

Marriage is a long time. You at least need a stomach flutter or something.
Click to expand...

I want to think that they really are not matched at all---dude more than likely lied on his application to find himself a good catch and once the OP met him, he fell way off the mark, his physical appearance beside the fact.
 
The bond isn't there yet for you to grow more attraction to him. I wasn't passionately attracted to my SO on the first date, but everything else was above and beyond. The attraction came soon after.

There's nothing wrong with an apartment, though. Would you rather he had a house and car he couldn't afford (financially irresponsible) or a man who is living within his means? Does he have ambition and plans to move forward? I say ask questions at the appropriate time instead of making assumptions. You never know what you could be missing out on.

But you know what you want better than any of us. Whatever you do, don't settle. It won't be fair to either of you.
 
That would all be a deal breaker for me. Not to knock, but it sounds like you're considering settling and being unhappy all for the sake of having a companion. Even if the physical attraction wasn't there, at least you'd have the conversation and other plus factors to pull you in. On the other hand, you never know... the more you get to know him, the more attractive he'll become. Guess in the end, it's you weighing the cost and benefits.
 
MissMasala5 said:
He "butchered the English language" and it's his first language? :sad: Deal-breaker.
Click to expand...

This! That would've been too much in addition to the rest...sorry. I know it's hard to find a black man with all the criteria you listed, but you don't have to settle for this. Just live it alone....:nono:
 
TinyBlu said:
...were you attracted to your DH / SO at first?

Here's my latest dilemma (it's always something)

I tried EHarmony (again) and met a...OK... guy. Put it this way. He was the most attractive of the unattractive guys they sent. He's not totally unfortunate looking and his profile seemed halfway decent, so I decided to give him a try (I ain't getting any younger).

Here's the thing. For the most part, he seems like a nice guy. We get along well, and enjoy each other's company, but I am just NOT physically attracted to the guy. There is absolutely no spark or stomach flip. I don't even have a desire to kiss this guy.... That can't be good.

I am REALLY trying not to nit pick in this case, because he really is nice, but he's not doing it for me. Isn't there something to be said about physical attraction?

My latest list of "fix ups": He has about a 30 pound spare tire on his mid section that I would like to see gone. After my first visit to his apartment (not a home owner), it's apparent that his income is probably lower than I'd like it to be. He also drives a car that is about to fall apart, and though he says he's college educated, the man BUTCHERS the English language. We have had conversations, and sometimes some of the words he mispronounces or misuses makes me cringe.

Am I just a stuck up, picky you know what? I am trying to stick around for a bit to see if he grows on me, but should it be this hard?

Is a well educated, gainfully employed, finanacially responsible, physically fit black man with NO KIDS that tall of an order? I'm not asking for anything that I'm not.... this is frustrating...
Click to expand...

I am sorry I know your thread is serious but that had me in stitches :lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen:
 
Readyone said:
Is there anything good about the guy? Anything that you can work with? Just wondering.
Click to expand...

He's... tall...

The conversation (when he isn't pronouncing the CH in architect) is OK. But I discovered the biggest deal breaker of all today... BAD BREATH!!!

Sorry... oral hygiene is important.
 
Your Cheeziness said:
The bond isn't there yet for you to grow more attraction to him. I wasn't passionately attracted to my SO on the first date, but everything else was above and beyond. The attraction came soon after.

There's nothing wrong with an apartment, though. Would you rather he had a house and car he couldn't afford (financially irresponsible) or a man who is living within his means? Does he have ambition and plans to move forward? I say ask questions at the appropriate time instead of making assumptions. You never know what you could be missing out on.

But you know what you want better than any of us. Whatever you do, don't settle. It won't be fair to either of you.
Click to expand...

Being a homeowner isn't an absolute MUST, but it is an indicator of stability. In today's economy, a house payment is often way lower than rent, and it means that you are BUILDING something (equity). I just think by your mid 30's you should be at the point of being able to own. It raises questions: Is he financially stable? You must have good credit to own a home. Is he driving the tin can on wheels (almost 200,000 miles) to save money or can he not afford another car. I would settle for a decent pre-owned car with low payments.

Yes, it's picky, but I owned my first home at the age of 22.... my bar is VERY high....
 
I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend at first either. I learned to fall in love with his features when I started falling in love with him. I didn't force it though. Well I did try to force it a couple of times and ended up breaking his heart and backing out. Eventually... It just felt right. ::Shrugs:: Now I am obsessed with his face.
 
Another good thing about him is that I can see that he really IS trying. I have not made it a secret how important physical fitness is to me (I work out faithfully), and it seems that he is making an effort to trim down, but it would be unfair to put him through all that drama when I KNOW I am just not feeling him like that.

There are PLENTY of women who would happily accept him just as he is, and I think he should pursue that.

Sadly, I think telling him this is going to mean me spending weekends alone....again, but it wouldn't be fair to hurt him...

How do I do this? It's time for a hard conversation.... and some breath mints... just sayin!!!
 
PraisedBeauty said:
I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend at first either. I learned to fall in love with his features when I started falling in love with him. I didn't force it though. Well I did try to force it a couple of times and ended up breaking his heart and backing out. Eventually... It just felt right. ::Shrugs:: Now I am obsessed with his face.
Click to expand...

This guy has VERY pretty hazel eyes, but that's not enough. Oh yeah.... he has a great hairline. He won't be bald when he's older. Maybe if he shaved on a regular basis that would help. His goatee is busted...

Yeah... I need to just let this go. :spinning:
 
I was attracted to dh from the first time I saw him and I still am. Still get butterflies and everything. If there were no butterflies I would think he would need to have an awful lot going for him, and good finances and a command of the english language would just be the beginning. I'd rather adopt as a single parent than settle with just any old somebody.
 
TinyBlu said:
Another good thing about him is that I can see that he really IS trying. I have not made it a secret how important physical fitness is to me (I work out faithfully), and it seems that he is making an effort to trim down, but it would be unfair to put him through all that drama when I KNOW I am just not feeling him like that.

There are PLENTY of women who would happily accept him just as he is, and I think he should pursue that.

Sadly, I think telling him this is going to mean me spending weekends alone....again, but it wouldn't be fair to hurt him...

How do I do this? It's time for a hard conversation.... and some breath mints... just sayin!!!
Click to expand...

Your mind sounds made up and that's all that matters regardless of our opinions. And you're right, he shouldn't waste time trying to conform to you if it wouldn't matter. Just let the guy down gently, he actually sounds like a good guy-just not your good guy. You can just tell him you appreciate the time you guys have spent, but you think your relationship would be best as friends.
 
This thread has me dying laughing. OP please tell this man you think the two of you are better off friends. He is not your type, pursuing him would make your life miserable. Get out now before you actually fall in love.
 
I couldn't do it either. I am too concerned and attentive to my own oral hygiene to consider someone who is not. I refused to go out with a guy for date number 2 because his grill was jacked up. Missing/broken teeth and all. Nice guy but totally not for me. Poor speech? Naw. Can't bring you around my family like that.
 
Girl, let this go. You'll find someone you're attracted
to and is on your level, trust.



Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Personally , from day 1 I was/still am VERY attracted to DH.

Im sorry I wouldnt waste my time (or his) if the attraction wasnt there. Its one thing if ur just out to meet 'friends' but I'd say if ur looking for something long term.. Keep it Moving :)
 
I wasn't physically attracted to SO at first either. But like another poster said, because of all his other attributes, the attraction came. Decent communication skills for me are a must, as well as some kind of physical fitness. You don't have to be a muscle man but take care of yourself.

If you know you're just not feeling him like that then you gotta pass...
 
So does the thread title mean my chronically single *** cant advise you a thinner man who can speak english is out there somewhere?
 
TinyBlu said:
He's... tall...

The conversation (when he isn't pronouncing the CH in architect) is OK. But I discovered the biggest deal breaker of all today... BAD BREATH!!!

Sorry... oral hygiene is important.
Click to expand...

TinyBlu - he drives a hooptie, fat stomach, a bustid goatee and he got bad breath.... *clutchin ma pearls*

ewww...i can't stand a person with bad breath, especially a man. and see, they be the main ones wantin to kiss...leavin dat funky residue on ur top lip. no sir :nono:

drop it like it's hot chile...let'em go
 
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