Pushing people away....

[angenoir]

Ladies

Do any of you have this problem or do you know anyone who does?

You are generally a nice normal fun person and you handle work relationships, family and friends without an issue. In fact people do tend to turn to you for stuff – advice, listening ear, ideas etc Everyone say you are a rock solid person.

And you do meet really nice guys and things work out extremely well, but when you are at the brink of becoming really close e.g. taking the relationship into a phase of serious commitment you suddenly freeze? You know you like the person to bits and the other person really likes you too and definitely there is sure promise of a great relationship but you cannot just let it happen?
You stall, you blow little disagreements out of proportion, you are suddenly moody and distance, you try to talk yourself out of the relationship – always looking for excuses why it wouldn't work(even very flimsy, weak excuses)

I think I am doing this. And I hate myself for doing this because in the process I am hurting someone because he cannot understand what the problem is.

I tried to explain to him that I am not mad at him, I am just dealing with some stuff and he has been a good sport putting up with me.
But I really don't want to ruin this as everything was going so great until the point when we were moving into a really serious phase i.e. long term commitment. I like him and he is a wonderful person and I have no issue with him on any level… But I just find myself behaving like an a**!
(sometimes he calls, I am happy that he has called but suddenly he is there talking to me and I cannot just allow myself to give into the happiness of the conversation. Which is totally weird because I had absolutely not got an issue with this until now)

Can anyone relate to this? Can anyone give some advice of how I can get past this?

ETA:
(Sometimes I think because I lost both my parents some years ago and also I have had a really, really bad relationship in the past something in me keeps people at a ‘safe’ distance because I don't want to deal with the pain of loss or disappointment.)

 

[specialbeauty]

I had this problem for a long time too. If you recognize that you're acting funny or pushing him away, make a conscious effort to be nicer, not pick fights and just let it go where it will. Especially if you're looking towards a long-term relationship, you have to let it go if you want to truly be happy. Good luck

 

[angenoir]

Thanks for your advice.

I am trying. I have realized that sometimes what I need is a short time-out alone and then I am back to normal. erplexed

I had this problem for a long time too. If you recognize that you're acting funny or pushing him away, make a conscious effort to be nicer, not pick fights and just let it go where it will. Especially if you're looking towards a long-term relationship, you have to let it go if you want to truly be happy. Good luck

 

[mimi]

I'm interested to see what others think about this!
...bumping for more replies

 

[lil_xelle]

I feel that everyone does this to a certain extent, some more than others. Fortunately for you, you realized why and how you act like this and you are making a conscious effort to change that. I know alot of people who act like that because they don't like the up keep with friendships. Rather than just ignore the problem you went ahead and are attempting to make a difference

 

[Skiggle]

I think your "bad" relationship experience
is clouding your thoughts to move
on into a serious relationship with this person.
You probably think that your old relationship problems
will manifest in your new relationship if you
decide to commit...
I think you need to free yourself from this doubt
and go ahead *if you feel it's necessary* and commit
to this relationship.

Its okay to feel "afraid" or get "cold-feet"
before you jump into a serious relationship
My advice take it slow and if you find yourself
being rude/mean.. please stop yourself,.

* I hope I make sense...half asleep here*

 

[FluffyRed]

great topic!

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I do this as well..can't really provide any insight on why, but, I think like someone else mentioned when you feel yourself about to do or say something that you know is coming from "the bad place" as I like to call it that's where you have to control it or at least I do

 

[t23luvgod]

i have this issue too
i think you should explain your issue to him the best way you can so he wont think you dont like him or your a b**** all the time...Once you tell him maybe he can help you work through it, show you that you dont have to be afraid. it'll probably make you both a lot more comfortable with things all on the table.
Dont be afraid to open your hurt, you could be receiving your greatest gift...

 

[angenoir]

Thanks. We talked about it and I think he really understood. He is being very understanding and I too have been trying. And I think its becoming easier to not push away and just let happen...

i have this issue too
i think you should explain your issue to him the best way you can so he wont think you dont like him or your a b**** all the time...Once you tell him maybe he can help you work through it, show you that you dont have to be afraid. it'll probably make you both a lot more comfortable with things all on the table.
Dont be afraid to open your hurt, you could be receiving your greatest gift...

 

[bellatiamarie]

bump... i find myself feeling exactly like this... i haven't dealt with any serious losses... but i was in a horrible relationship for a long time--lied to, broken promises, etc., and i'm finding it very hard to trust... i'm SO afraid of being hurt and my guard is definitely up to the point that this new guy i've been seeing definitely notices... i don't want to run him away, but i DO NOT want to be hurt again... that feeling SUCKS!