Procrastination is ruining my relationship

[MrsBKJ]

My partner and I have been together for over ten years and were due to get married this December but I have put plans on hold because he is really getting on my nerves.
I have helped him with it coped with it for a long time and then ignored it and then tried to help him again but I am really not getting anywhere. He says he will do things and then it never gets done...and I mean never. I just say "Don't worry about it". But i'm gettin tired of saying it and he thinks its funny when I bring it up. He just says "It's a work in progress" but all the little things are really beginning to bug me out, calls are late emails are late or non existent letters I gave up on, he says its because of the six hour time difference and by the time he is up and sorted my day is ending and he cant get around to things...my argument is when I'm asleep you can be doing these things if you promise me them right? He missed my birthday this year we dont do the card and pressie thing...well I told him not to several years ago because I was tired of being disappointed when it was a no show every time. But this year he didn't even call well he called very early the next morning with the six our delay being used again.
Ive told him he doesn't respect me or my time and thats why he does what he does. He was very hurt by that but didnt make any changes.


Any ideas as to what I can do?
Thanks

 

[Nice]

My partner and I have been together for over ten years and were due to get married this December but I have put plans on hold because he is really getting on my nerves.
I have helped him with it coped with it for a long time and then ignored it and then tried to help him again but I am really not getting anywhere. He says he will do things and then it never gets done...and I mean never. I just say "Don't worry about it". But i'm gettin tired of saying it and he thinks its funny when I bring it up. He just says "It's a work in progress" but all the little things are really beginning to bug me out, calls are late emails are late or non existent letters I gave up on, he says its because of the six hour time difference and by the time he is up and sorted my day is ending and he cant get around to things...my argument is when I'm asleep you can be doing these things if you promise me them right? He missed my birthday this year we dont do the card and pressie thing...well I told him not to several years ago because I was tired of being disappointed when it was a no show every time. But this year he didn't even call well he called very early the next morning with the six our delay being used again.
Ive told him he doesn't respect me or my time and thats why he does what he does. He was very hurt by that but didnt make any changes.


Any ideas as to what I can do?
Thanks

Sorry that you are going through this. You need to decide if this is something you can live with, but please don't go into anything HOPING that he will change. I think that is the biggest mistake that alot of women make. Good luck!

 

[patient1]

Sounds like you need to weigh the relationship in both hands. Good in one, bad in the other and decide if the good outweighs the bad.

Can I ask, how soon into the 10 years did he show this side of him?

p1

 

[january noir]

Good advice.

Sorry that you are going through this. You need to decide if this is something you can live with, but please don't go into anything HOPING that he will change. I think that is the biggest mistake that alot of women make. Good luck!

 

[Suerte]

I am tripping that this has gone on for 10 years erplexed

I personally think that you have already invested way too much time into this. And if you are a Muslim like your posts would lead me to assume...10 years without intimacy/close friendship with a mate is HARD. You need to decide if you wanna spend another 10 years waiting.

I'm sorry...but I am mad at you for you even having to THINK about this. Girl, you should already know.

 

[dlewis]

I learned a long time ago. You can't change a man, you can only change you. He is what he is until he decides to change. It looks to me like he has no plans to changing because he knows you will put up with him, let him back out of things if he continues to disappoint over time and he's been doing it over the last tens years and you are still with him. No one should be doing the same negative things they were doing ten years ago.


I hate that he's doing that because it seems like he has a real gem in you.

 

[t_marie_71483]

Re: Procrastination is ruining my relationship
I am tripping that this has gone on for 10 years erplexed

I personally think that you have already invested way too much time into this. And if you are a Muslim like your posts would lead me to assume...10 years without intimacy/close friendship with a mate is HARD. You need to decide if you wanna spend another 10 years waiting.

I'm sorry...but I am mad at you for you even having to THINK about this. Girl, you should already know.

YEA, WHAT SHE SAID...AND DID YOU SAY A SIX HOUR TIME DIFFERENCE?? WHAT IS THIS DUDE OVERSEAS OR SOMETHING?? PLEASE TELL ME YALL HAVEN'T BEEN THAT FAR APART THE WHOLE TEN YEARS...OK, THREE WORDS ...LET HIM GO! YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM AND WE CAN SEE THAT FROM JUST HEARING HOW LONG YOU HAVE PUT UP WITH THIS MAN,...AND WITH NO LOVIN?? GURL, GET A MAN WHO WILL TREASURE YOU. DON'T EVEN LOOK FOR A MAN, LET HIM COME TO YOU...TRUST ME YOU'LL KNOW WHEN ITS THE RIGHT ONE. GOOD LUCK GURL.

 

[MrsBKJ]

Yes we live apart he visits twice a year but I havent been in a position to move out there. Arrgghh! lol
I know I should know...but I love him and thought that was just who he was and I had no intention of ever changing him he was always late for appointments and such but now it has started affecting the personal bits I'm getting really upset with him.
Patient1: I think it was about two years ago when things were really rough between us he wanted to get married and I was unable to do so.
Suerte:Yes I am Muslim and thats one of the things that I really like about him it has never been any pressure because he has the same school of thought as I do.
dLewis: you are right I do make it too easy for him and let him get away with it but at what point does it become a hazard?...Do you know what i mean? At what point do you stop giving?
Actually I am getting mad at myself too. I need to sit his butt down when he visits me next and talk this through.
I love him and want to be with him and I guess I always thought this was one of those give and take parts or one of the things you just ignore to make a relationship work but he has to realise (I guess) that if it is upsetting me then he needs to do something about it.
I'm gonna call him now and let him know...
I love you all you have been so kind to me and been there when I needed you. Thanks. *hugs*

 

[Suerte]

Yes we live apart he visits twice a year but I havent been in a position to move out there. Arrgghh! lol
I know I should know...but I love him and thought that was just who he was and I had no intention of ever changing him he was always late for appointments and such but now it has started affecting the personal bits I'm getting really upset with him.
Patient1: I think it was about two years ago when things were really rough between us he wanted to get married and I was unable to do so.
Suerte:Yes I am Muslim and thats one of the things that I really like about him it has never been any pressure because he has the same school of thought as I do.
dLewis: you are right I do make it too easy for him and let him get away with it but at what point does it become a hazard?...Do you know what i mean? At what point do you stop giving?
Actually I am getting mad at myself too. I need to sit his butt down when he visits me next and talk this through.
I love him and want to be with him and I guess I always thought this was one of those give and take parts or one of the things you just ignore to make a relationship work but he has to realise (I guess) that if it is upsetting me then he needs to do something about it.
I'm gonna call him now and let him know...
I love you all you have been so kind to me and been there when I needed you. Thanks. *hugs*

I am confused as to how you guys can visit eachother and be in love and not be Married. Isn't that not allowed? I thought males and females couldn't even have close friendships.

But for 10 years... I could understand like, 2 or 3, maybe less than 5 if you included the dating, engagement time and wedding planning but 10 years? Now girl...you know you are way too good for that.

You better tell him that you ain't no beef stew in no crock pot and that he better put the meat in the skillet and COOK IT or you're gonna go out and find you a truly virtuous Muslim man who would never in his life DARE of stringing you along and manipulationg your heart and mind and emotions.

I was doing a lot of reading/question asking about Islam...because it's kind of the only faith that makes sense to me. I know that I'd probably never be able to fully lead a Muslim life unless I was MARRIED to a Muslim man who was very strong in his faith and wanted to help me learn. It breaks my heart to see a Muslimah going through this... especially since it's Ramadan. Use this time to do self-assessment and really ask yourself WHY you are putting yourself through this and know that you deserve way more than this and don't have to endure this long drawn out...situation.

 

[MrsBKJ]

I am confused as to how you guys can visit eachother and be in love and not be Married. Isn't that not allowed? I thought males and females couldn't even have close friendships.

But for 10 years... I could understand like, 2 or 3, maybe less than 5 if you included the dating, engagement time and wedding planning but 10 years? Now girl...you know you are way too good for that.

You better tell him that you ain't no beef stew in no crock pot and that he better put the meat in the skillet and COOK IT or you're gonna go out and find you a truly virtuous Muslim man who would never in his life DARE of stringing you along and manipulationg your heart and mind and emotions.

I was doing a lot of reading/question asking about Islam...because it's kind of the only faith that makes sense to me. I know that I'd probably never be able to fully lead a Muslim life unless I was MARRIED to a Muslim man who was very strong in his faith and wanted to help me learn. It breaks my heart to see a Muslimah going through this... especially since it's Ramadan. Use this time to do self-assessment and really ask yourself WHY you are putting yourself through this and know that you deserve way more than this and don't have to endure this long drawn out...situation.

Thank you suerte
Its actually very complicated, it is againts Islam to be in a relationship. I dont have any explanations that I wish would be acceptable within Islam - I dont have any because I know it is wrong.
He has been asking me to get married for many years we got engaged several years ago but then my family refused to let me marry him and have since then. But I have been making some headway with my family but I think he got impatient (understandably) and started pulling back.
He has been very good actually and very patient with me and my family.
I do think I am ready to move on but I just feel that ten years is such a long time and all the things we have been through together just make it difficult to up and leave. He did email me already without me saying anything to him to let me know he was unable to call me because his phone wont allow him to call out so I called his cell and he was at home with a guy from the phone company trying to fix it. He hasnt let me down really I guess I just feel a little upset lately with my other friend and his issues and just need to vent.
Am i making excuses for him? probably...but when I met him he joked that people told him he would be late for his funeral. I do want to resolve the issue for botho ur sakes though.
Jakaak Allah Suerte for your response.

 

[jrae]

RachiQue, I hope he treats you better than your post describes because I am sad to hear you receiving and accepting so little. And, the advice was spot on, assume he will be "procrastinating" like this for the rest of your life. Can you be happy in the relationship? How is his procrastination affecting the rest of his life - his job, finances, etc.? Why is he accepting a 10-year relationship on these terms, too?

 

[MrsBKJ]

Thank you to everybody for the advice, much appreciated. It really made me look at things and realize we are probably stuck in a rut. I love him and he loves me which is why he is still here. We have known each other for ten years but I guess not really been in a relationship all that time because of issues at the start with other things. But obviously it is still a problem. His Proc. does affect many aspects of his life he was in debt up to his eye balls not because he couldnt pay it off but because he just did not have that get up and go to do set up repayments higher than he was being requested to make. Ive had to wake him up in the morning for interviews and make sure he got out the house in time. hes a talker and I think thats one of his biggest downfalls he can talk for England!!

Thank you all again.

 

[Evolving78]

I agree with what Dlewis said. I'm learning myself that you can't change or make a man be responsible. If he can't even get back to you with emails and phone calls, just imagine when you two do get married and you start counting on him for bigger things. You need to decide is this the type of person you want to deal with for the rest of your life.