I’m so glad you asked this question. Too many people avoid these issues because they fear discussing them may cause conflict which could dampen the festive mood of a wedding. They fail to realize that, after people have stopped fawning over the bride, the life of the wife begins. These issues cannot be avoided, only addressed before they arise or during the course of a heated argument.
My husband and I talked about nearly everything before we got married so a lot of things just came up in conversation. Based on my experience, here are some issues (in no particular order) that I’d strongly recommend people addressing before they get married:
1. Children- Do you want any? If so, how many?
2. Managing finances- Will you have one account? Separate accounts? Who will be responsible for paying the bills?
3. Your personal finances- This is a touchy subject, but it can’t be avoided. When you get married, what’s “yours” becomes “ours”. Not only will your spouse’s credit rating impact your ability to get a loan for a car, home, etc., depending upon their level of debt, you will wind up helping them repay it in one way or another. No one likes to feel that their spouse is focusing on their wallet/bank account and nothing else, but it’s really not fair to blindside your spouse with your financial woes either. To this end, you want to tie up as many financial "loose ends" of your own as possible before you get married.
4. Boundaries with friends and family- While you may think it’s great for your home to have a revolving door for your friends and family, your spouse will probably disagree. Respect of your spouse by your friends and family is mandatory. Personalities may clash, but at no point should anyone feel as though they can come into your home and disrespect or undermine your husband. You have to make sure that your family and friends understand and respect the position your husband holds in your life before you get married.
5. Conflict resolution- If you are contemplating marriage, you already know how the other person approaches conflict. You should really discuss, however, how you will approach conflicts regarding each other’s families.
6. Decision making- How will issues get resolved in your household. It’s all fun and games until a man who feels that he should have the last word on all issues marries a woman with a 50/50 approach to everything.
7. Chores- Who is going to be responsible for doing what around the house? It might sound like micro-managing your marriage, but a whole lot of people have a whole lot of fights about it.
8. Religion- Do you have a religious affiliation? If so, how strong are your ties? Can both of you handle the possibility of being married to someone who has religious/spiritual convictions which differ from your own?
9. Values- This is a HUGE umbrella and covers everything from what you want to instill in your children to your stance on some political issues. This won’t seem like a big deal until your are faced with a problem in which the solution will be based on your respective values/beliefs.
10. Health- Do you have any underlying health issues? What, if any illnesses, run in your family?
11. Hobbies- It’s great to have a life outside of your marriage, as long as it doesn’t interfere with your obligations as a husband or wife. Both of you have to decide “how much is too much” in terms of the time and money you invest into hobbies.
Good luck and I'm interested to see what everyone else has to say!
One more thing- Don't forget that you and your spouse have the final say on your marriage. Other people will be tempted to give you (unsolicited) advice and the two of you will be tempted to take it. Every situation is different and what works great for one person in their marriage could be terrible for the two of you (and vice versa). Commit yourselves to taking things one day at a time and resolving your problems between the two of you.
Perhaps I was a little unclear. How do you all handle arguments? Not neccessarily debates about different topics, but arguments. Me and my SO, we usually fuss it out and make back up again, but a very important element I've noticed he lacks in our relationship is solutions. We'll argue about something, everyones upset, we'll eventually talk it out, and make back up. He very rarely poses a solution and the problem usually arises again - and we go through this never-ending cycle of ranting and fighting and then making up. Very unhealthy.
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