Playing Wifey!

[guccip1010]

I have a question to ask and i need some opinions. My bf of a year asked me a question. This question turned a bit ugly and we havent spoken for a day (which is rare for us cause we talk every single day). We were driving in the car and he turned to me and jokingly said, "someone (meaning me) told me that after the new year, they would help me clean the house on the weekends." Yes I did say this, but because of recent arguments, i have been reluctant to staying at his house often, so i dont even get a chance to clean. And if i do stay over his house, its' late, and i am NOT about to start cleaning his house at 7,8,9 oclock at night. That's a NONO!
But it upsetted me to hear him say that as a woman, i should have the sense to see if the sheets on the bed, need to be changed, i should do it. And that how I can just come over to his house and sleep on the same sheets thats been on the bed for the last week or two.
I defensively said to him, " Im hardly ever at your house these days, so if you go home and see the sheets need to be changed, DONT wait for me to come over and express to me the issue about the sheets. And that also goes for the cleaning.
I was so heated with him. I have never lived with a man before. He on the other hand has lived with a female before. So, im thinking he was probably used to her ways of keeping a house.
His thing is he is a provider and i should be keeping on point with cooking and cleaning. He also said that because he doesnt see that side of me, he is reluctant to giving me a key. A part of me doesnt care that i dont have a key and another part does.
I've done the cooking and cleaning at his place , in the past, so im a lil confused at his statements. I have no problems doing the domestic things, I actually like doing it sometimes, but if i dont live in the same household as my bf, am i obligated to doing the domestic things? Am i wrong for feeling this way?

 

[MizzBrown]

He said he was the provider?

How does he provide for you? He's paying your bills and such?

 

[ibelieve]

He said he was the provider?

How does he provide for you? He's paying your bills and such?

I'm wondering the same thing. So is he saying in exchange for him paying all your bills he has an expectation that you keep his house clean?

I'm not going to lie...If my BF was providing for my way of living and all I had to do was tidy up his apartment, I'd be down. Cuz I gots quite a few bills that need to be paid

 

[v2.0]

He's used to getting the milk for free.

 

[guccip1010]

Funny thing is he pays not 1 of my bills! I never once asked him to pay any of my bills. I cleaned up ,cooked and did his laundry because of the OT he was putting in at work. I didnt mind doing it cause i had the time as well. I work a full time job and now im back in school and that takes up most of my time. He says i never have to want for anything, which is true at times, but im exhausted from work and school. When im done doing essays , its usually after 12 midnight.

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

I have a question to ask and i need some opinions. My bf of a year asked me a question. This question turned a bit ugly and we havent spoken for a day (which is rare for us cause we talk every single day). We were driving in the car and he turned to me and jokingly said, "someone (meaning me) told me that after the new year, they would help me clean the house on the weekends." Yes I did say this, but because of recent arguments, i have been reluctant to staying at his house often, so i dont even get a chance to clean. And if i do stay over his house, its' late, and i am NOT about to start cleaning his house at 7,8,9 oclock at night. That's a NONO!
But it upsetted me to hear him say that as a woman, i should have the sense to see if the sheets on the bed, need to be changed, i should do it. And that how I can just come over to his house and sleep on the same sheets thats been on the bed for the last week or two.
I defensively said to him, " Im hardly ever at your house these days, so if you go home and see the sheets need to be changed, DONT wait for me to come over and express to me the issue about the sheets. And that also goes for the cleaning.
I was so heated with him. I have never lived with a man before. He on the other hand has lived with a female before. So, im thinking he was probably used to her ways of keeping a house.
His thing is he is a provider and i should be keeping on point with cooking and cleaning. He also said that because he doesnt see that side of me, he is reluctant to giving me a key. A part of me doesnt care that i dont have a key and another part does.
I've done the cooking and cleaning at his place , in the past, so im a lil confused at his statements. I have no problems doing the domestic things, I actually like doing it sometimes, but if i dont live in the same household as my bf, am i obligated to doing the domestic things? Am i wrong for feeling this way?

Tell him you are not his mother. He needs to take care of his own **it!

I can't believe he had the nerve to say that to you. There is NO RING ON YOUR FINGER. And even then...is that all he expects from his wife for things to be done while he sits back and complain about it. If so then this is something you need to come terms with if and when you guys do decide to go down that road.

This is just beyond crazy to me! You dont even live there. It sounds like he is use to depeding on a female to take care of him whether it be his mother, other girlfriend or a jump off. He is use to this treatment. If that is what he wants out of the women in his ,married or not, then you guys are gonna have some issues.....

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Ya heard, MILK FOR FREE!! Move on.

 

[guccip1010]

You are absolutely right NYGirl. He was definitely spoiled growing up. I believe jis mom did most of the things in the house and that's what he is used to. His ex probably was the same way. We were definitely raised differently. His background is Trini and mines in Haitian. He is the last boyin his family and im the only and last girl in mines. What does that tell you?!!!!

 

[MizzBrown]

How you gonna play 'wifey' if he doesnt even want to play 'hubby'?

He's not even paying bills. Yall dont even live together, you got your own place too?

When i would stay over at my boyfriends house, i'd lay right in his bed and watch him clean his OWN apartment...tell him he missed a spot too.

If you wanna play house then play house...tell him your rent is due, car needs servicing and you need $100 to get groceries so you can be 'wifey' and cook.

 

[Dee-Licious]

and please don't let fool use cleaning as an incentive for a key

i don't do ish at my SO house unless I feel like it (which is kinda rare ) and he insisted that I have a key to his place


when someone is not your husband or you're not living together and cleaning/cooking is to be done out of the goodness of your heart not a damn expectation

 

[lexi84]

You cleaning up every now and then isnt the problem. Its his attitude about it. I clean up after myself when im at my hun's house but laundry?? Cookin?? NOT! You dont live there and you're not his wife, he has no plausible reason to expect that from you. And he lays his booty on them sheets just as much or more than you do why he cant wash them himself.

 

[Ramya]

Maybe I'm missing it but what does he do for you in return?

 

[SqrpioQutie]

I have a question to ask and i need some opinions.

[edited for length]

but if i dont live in the same household as my bf, am i obligated to doing the domestic things? Am i wrong for feeling this way?

unless your name is Florence, Hazel or Alice, it is NOT your duty to keep your BFs house clean...

yeah, you offered... but it was just that, an offer.... if he wants a wifey, he can put a ring on your finger... until then, anything that you do in HIS household is EXTRA...

 

[guccip1010]

You are right on that as well Dee-licious. I do it from the goodness of my heart! That's the kind of person i am. But he definitely EXPECTS me to do these things.
I take care of myself. I've been doing this for a long time. I never EXPECT anything from anyone. But its' unfortunate that everyone doesnt think the way you would.

 

[Butterfly08]

Maybe I'm missing it but what does he do for you in return?

You're not the only one. He has a WHOLE LOTTA NERVE! If he's actin' like an

now, just imagine what it'd be like to be married to him.

 

[Sosoothing]

I think its self centered of him to expect that from you and yet he gives you nothing in return.

 

[itismehmmkay]

How you gonna play 'wifey' if he doesnt even want to play 'hubby'?

He's not even paying bills. Yall dont even live together, you got your own place too?

When i would stay over at my boyfriends house, i'd lay right in his bed and watch him clean his OWN apartment...tell him he missed a spot too.

If you wanna play house then play house...tell him your rent is due, car needs servicing and you need $100 to get groceries so you can be 'wifey' and cook.

Exactly.
Ask him where your stipend is.
You'll need it for the cleaning supplies

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Funny thing is he pays not 1 of my bills! I never once asked him to pay any of my bills. I cleaned up ,cooked and did his laundry because of the OT he was putting in at work. I didnt mind doing it cause i had the time as well. I work a full time job and now im back in school and that takes up most of my time. He says i never have to want for anything, which is true at times, but im exhausted from work and school. When im done doing essays , its usually after 12 midnight.

oh, i see. you don't have to want for anything, yet, he hasn't paid any of your bills, yet, he wants you to audition for the starring lead role of WIFEY. I don't think so. Tell him to invest in Molly Maids or get his momma to do it and call it a day. Why can't he change his own funky sheets and do his own laundry???

Your good, cuz see...i wouldn't be handlin nobody's drawers or sweaty stanky socks, etc. I ain't hardly da one...

 

[Sirens_Song]

unless your name is Florence, Hazel or Alice, it is NOT your duty to keep your BFs house clean...

Muhahahaha!!

In agreement.

 

[MizzBrown]

Exactly.
Ask him where your stipend is.
You'll need it for the cleaning supplies

Have yo man call her man so he can school this boy!

A lot of relationships are like this and it seems so one-sided.

Got her in the kitchen cooking steak and potatoes, and cleaning but her car needs an oil change and she needs a touchup at the salon. LOL

If he's working all that overtime then he has MONEY to spare.

 

[Filmatic]

He has nerve. I would have stared at my ring finger real hard and told him he needed to put a ring on it if he wants me to clean his house. Even then it's a maybe.

I use to do laundry for my ex before we lived together, but that was because I was using his washer/dryer and I'd go ahead and put his clothes in after I finished mine.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Is he planning on playing "Husband" putting you on his medical insurance, insurance policies, giving you access to his money. If not, then naw, nobody "playing" nothing around here.

 

[phynestone]

I have a question to ask and i need some opinions. My bf of a year asked me a question. This question turned a bit ugly and we havent spoken for a day (which is rare for us cause we talk every single day). We were driving in the car and he turned to me and jokingly said, "someone (meaning me) told me that after the new year, they would help me clean the house on the weekends." Yes I did say this, but because of recent arguments, i have been reluctant to staying at his house often, so i dont even get a chance to clean. And if i do stay over his house, its' late, and i am NOT about to start cleaning his house at 7,8,9 oclock at night. That's a NONO!
But it upsetted me to hear him say that as a woman, i should have the sense to see if the sheets on the bed, need to be changed, i should do it. And that how I can just come over to his house and sleep on the same sheets thats been on the bed for the last week or two.
I defensively said to him, " Im hardly ever at your house these days, so if you go home and see the sheets need to be changed, DONT wait for me to come over and express to me the issue about the sheets. And that also goes for the cleaning.
I was so heated with him. I have never lived with a man before. He on the other hand has lived with a female before. So, im thinking he was probably used to her ways of keeping a house.
His thing is he is a provider and i should be keeping on point with cooking and cleaning. He also said that because he doesnt see that side of me, he is reluctant to giving me a key. A part of me doesnt care that i dont have a key and another part does.
I've done the cooking and cleaning at his place , in the past, so im a lil confused at his statements. I have no problems doing the domestic things, I actually like doing it sometimes, but if i dont live in the same household as my bf, am i obligated to doing the domestic things? Am i wrong for feeling this way?

No, you're not obligated to perform wifely duties without having the title of 'wife.' Now he may be confused b/c you've done it in the past, but start rolling back from that work and be what you are...a girlfriend. You are not his wife, his mother and he seems to be able-bodied and has the ability to do for him. I think he's using this as an excuse not to give you a key, so if he wants to use some guilt trip to get you to do something you have no business doing, kick his butt to the curb. Who knows what he'll try next.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Have yo man call her man so he can school this boy!

A lot of relationships are like this and it seems so one-sided.

Got her in the kitchen cooking steak and potatoes, and cleaning but her car needs an oil change and she needs a touchup at the salon. LOL

If he's working all that overtime then he has MONEY to spare.

You already know!

And yeah, we're all scared to get the label gold-digger, but we grown folks w/ grown people stuff to do.

OP, let him know that it goes both ways. And if it's a situation where you really don't mind doing certain things (some people's love language is service) then continue, but only if there's reciprocity.

 

[frizzy]

This could turn out to be a milestone in your relationship or a road block. This is gonna come down to a battle of the wills. I'm sure he feels as strongly that you should be cleaning up behind him, as we feel on this board that he has lost his everloving mind.

Stay cool, talk it out real slow easy and matter of factly to him, so he can see how ridiculous he is to think that you are responsible for the upkeep of his place.

I would think he could gather how you keep house by what he sees when he comes over to your place, or at least by the inside of your car and your fingernails.

One of ya'll is gonna have to give in, don't let it be you.

 

[MD_Lady]

I actually like doing it sometimes, but if i dont live in the same household as my bf, am i obligated to doing the domestic things?

No.

Am i wrong for feeling this way?

No.

Consenting adults will do what consenting adults will do, BUT your BF's comments are the main reason why I have always established clear cut relationship boundaries for myself. The more overlap they have in a relationship, the more some men get it twisted. Your BF is definitely expecting you to play wifey because other women have done it in the past. Since you know this isn't something you want to do (regardless of what he expects/wants), I have to give you for making your feelings known and sticking to your guns.

 

[laCriolla]

We were driving in the car and he turned to me and jokingly said, "someone (meaning me) told me that after the new year, they would help me clean the house on the weekends." Yes I did say this, but because of recent arguments, i have been reluctant to staying at his house often, so i dont even get a chance to clean. And if i do stay over his house, its' late, and i am NOT about to start cleaning his house at 7,8,9 oclock at night. That's a NONO!


I've done the cooking and cleaning at his place , in the past, so im a lil confused at his statements. I have no problems doing the domestic things, I actually like doing it sometimes, but if i dont live in the same household as my bf, am i obligated to doing the domestic things? Am i wrong for feeling this way?

no you're not a slave therefore you're not obligated to do anything.

However,

if someone was cooking and cleaning at my house, i'd wonder why they weren't doing it anymore as well.

plus YOU SAID you were going to do it.


you set the tone with your past actions and words, so he's wondering why you're now slacking off and going back on your word. if you hadn't given the milk away for free, he wouldn't expect it...

 

[Ms Red]

He is spoiled. Hmph.

 

[guccip1010]

In response to Lacriolla, yes i did say in the past that i would do it, but not knowing the extent of how exhausted i would be after STARTING SCHOOL AGAIN FULL TIME and still working FULL TIME.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Unless you are married to him, you don't owe him any housekeeping services. Anything you provide outside of emotional and mental support and physical companionship - WHICH DOES NOT MEAN SEX, it just means you're around him- is voluntary and should be respected as such.