Outgrowing your friends

[longhairlover]

I never thought I would outgrow my friend since 3rd grade but it happened in a flash, i'm married now and before I met my husband I stopped speaking to my friend because she cursed at me when I was telling her that the guy she was with at the time was no good for her, she flipped out and we stopped speaking, prior to that she had replaced me with some other chick from h.s. they became better friends even though now she's always helping her friend out financially (the friend has a boyfriend that lives with her, but my friend likes to keep the company of people that are doing worse than her).

She's still in nyc and now i'm in NJ happily married and I enjoy chilling with my hubby and talking with my mother all the time on the phone and seeing her (she lives 10 mins away lol). When we were younger we partied alot, double dated sometimes, shopping and all the things that you do with your "best friend".

I was just wondering if any of you have had friends that you ended up outgrowing, how did you feel? do you still speak to the person? etc.

Tonight is my friends bachelorette party and I opted not to go because the other friend is throwing the party for her in her apt and she's in a pretty bad neighborhood. I wanted to go even though me and my friend are not as cool but I still wanted to show wish her the best on her upcoming marriage. I will offer to take my friend out next week to an actual nice place if she'll accept.

 

[hopeful]

Do you mind clarifying? Is the former best friend the one getting married or the one throwing the bachelorette party? Either way, I wouldn't go either, that could be awkward. If the former bf is throwing the party, then yes I would definitely take the other friend out later. I have outgrown many friends, it hurts, you hope that things will stay the same but alas they don't. I've learned to not take it so personally anymore. The only way I could have held onto some friends would have been for me to have not grown emotionally and spiritually, married, had kids, moved to different cities, etc. In other words I would have had to stay the same, I was not willing to do that.

 

[aribell]

I feel like I'm in the process. It can be a difficult thing to accept. I feel guilty since she's really been there for me in tremendous ways. But there are just a lot of things that I'm passionate about and who I'm becoming that she doesn't share in common, and isn't really interested in doing so.

We still speak and spend time when we are in the same area (we now live in different states), but I think we both know things aren't the same. But, we didn't really have a falling out exactly; or rather, we had a falling out, and even though we supposedly patched things back up, things were never the same since then.

I honestly think it's for the best, in light of who we both are and are becoming. There is such a thing as too close, which we were. And after a while it was just stagnating.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

When we grow apart, we grow apart.
I find that it's of no use trying to force two people in different directions to come together. Learned that the hard way.

 

[longhairlover]

yes it's the former best friend that's getting married. I just told her now that I won't make it, and I offered to take her out next Friday, I don't like the other friend anyways because I know she only stays friends with my old friend to use her.

It does hurt, because we use to have soooo much fun together, like you I wanted to do great things in my life ....(still waiting on the career to blossom but she stayed with the same bad guys, and now she's getting married because she hung out with me and my husband one night and had a blast, she said she loved my hubby's style, he's proper, well spoken and educated. so she found her a guy that is "similar",

I'm sure she has an attitude that i'm not going, but on the other hand she probably doesn't even care. We haven't close since 03 probably, it does bother me alot, i'll call her on fridays and she's bowling with that chick and her friends and she won't even call me to ask if I want to go .

I just had to let this off of my chest.

Do you mind clarifying? Is the former best friend the one getting married or the one throwing the bachelorette party? Either way, I wouldn't go either, that could be awkward. If the former bf is throwing the party, then yes I would definitely take the other friend out later. I have outgrown many friends, it hurts, you hope that things will stay the same but alas they don't. I've learned to not take it so personally anymore. The only way I could have held onto some friends would have been for me to have not grown emotionally and spiritually, married, had kids, moved to different cities, etc. In other words I would have had to stay the same, I was not willing to do that.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I have a friend who I probably out grew a long time ago, but Ole habits, ya know. The problem here is she has a lot of problems and personal issues and though I'm not perfect, I have a different attitude and out look on my situations. Sometimes all her stuff is just draining, but I want to be a good friend and hear her out. The problem is I'm an only child and don't have cousins or family, so if I didn't try to hang with her, I'd probably be alone a lot. The up side is I'm learning to like it. I like "doing my own thing" and with my recent freedom from my SO, I'm at an up swing in every aspect of my life (financially, spiritually, emotionally...). I just pray for her and listen when she calls, but I know she doesn't want to hear how wonderful my life is when hers is kinda falling apart. I love her like a sister though and as a sister, I'll always be "there" for her in ways that I can.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

**** happens. I am in the midst of this right now. my girl is very negative all the time about other people's good fortune. their good relationships: she would always try to find the bad in it. I am tired of the negativity. doesn't believe in prayer etc etc.

I do and i like to be optimistic about thngs and wish people the best. she not so much. job wise i am into my career and progressing and finding my mate settling getting married. she is on a different movement.

a bunch of old friends (her included) got together at our High school friends funeral and she talked about hanging out more etc etc. but if the friendship was meant to be it will sustain. just like one with a man.

people change: priorities, goals, similarities etc etc. I feel bad about it like you all, but it is what it is.

 

[longhairlover]

we went through the same thing, we would make amends and start hanging out again but this time around when I contacted her I was engaged, she was still running around with the bad guy, I guess we had become the women we were going to be, it's a sad process, and i'm happy to see i'm not the only person that has had this happen to them with their friendships.

My mom looks at it like "ya'll went in different directions and these things happen" it's like thanks lol!!!

I feel like I'm in the process. It can be a difficult thing to accept. I feel guilty since she's really been there for me in tremendous ways. But there are just a lot of things that I'm passionate about and who I'm becoming that she doesn't share in common, and isn't really interested in doing so.

We still speak and spend time when we are in the same area (we now live in different states), but I think we both know things aren't the same. But, we didn't really have a falling out exactly; or rather, we had a falling out, and even though we supposedly patched things back up, things were never the same since then.

I honestly think it's for the best, in light of who we both are and are becoming. There is such a thing as too close, which we were. And after a while it was just stagnating.

 

[inthepink]

Yep, went through this and while it's no fun, I have no regrets.

Sometimes things come to a head and you must decide to keep dealing with it or move on.

I say this "Just because you have always been friends, doesn't mean you have to keep being friends."

 

[sky_blu]

I think of my close girlfriends that I grew up with, over the years we've all grown apart. Its crazy and was hard to accept but it is what it is. We have different interests now, different goals, and are just at different places period.

 

[firecracker]

Oh well seasons change and so do friendships. Like trees we should branch out.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Oh well seasons change and so do friendships. Like trees we should branch out.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I have a very small select group of friends for this very reason, and I couldn't be happier in this aspect of my life. Everyone else that has come and gone were "replaceable" anyway in the grand scheme of things.

 

[StarFish106]

The one thing I have learned that we as women will hold on to a friendship we have had it since pigtails even if it is no longer working for us. Then we feel guilty for growing and becoming who God wants us to be and leaving them behind. It seems a lot of us learned this the hard way but we did learn.

I have 3 folks that I have known for 15+ years and have no reason to want to chat with any of them. My feelings were hurt on many occasion because my definition of friendship to them and theirs with me seemed to be different and I couldn't figure out why. Why was I the one that never got called to go to xyz but was the first one called to be told what happened the next day?
Or I would become the new BFF when 2 of them had a falling out but once they patched it up, I was forgotten. It took me a minute to figure it out but when I did, my soul was no longer sad about leaving these 'so called friends'.

We have to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do for ourself first and those that don't have your best interest at heart can get in where they fit in (if at all) and NOT feel guilty about it. Be your own best friend and first. Two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time so how can you let the next friendship in, if you still have the old janky one there?

 

[Almaz]

I had to let a friend go of many years. She always said that she was a prayful but her actions proved otherwise and in friendships there are give and take. She kept taking and never gave. So I as much as it hurts and as much as it was very comfortable with the familiar and sometimes that can be bad too. I had to let her go. Yeah it hurt cause I really loved her but still I had to let her go and I made room for people that I cared for and they actually cared for me back.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I am in the midst of this right now....I feel like I'm growing, trying to do better and my friend is just stagnant. Its like she's still 21 or 22 ( no offense to anyone that age)..but we're older now...and should know and do better.

When I talk to her...I find myself getting frustrated by the things she says...

It's hard though, because she is my best friend and we used to have so much fun!

I guess I don't really want to let go of our friendship..I'm just hoping things will get better...

 

[mscocoface]

You will find as you grow in years it will happen more and more. It is part of life.

 

[StarFish106]

received this today and thought of this thread

Everyone Can't Be in Your Front Row

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.
Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you LET GO, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention
to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill an d which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have DRAMA or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.



'Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you sink to theirs!'

 

[Everything Zen]

Great thread. I'm going through something similar with a friend. We just grew apart and fell out over her drama in college- I let her bring me down by making myself too available to her. I meant to get in touch with her after her brother died but more of the old drama started surfacing and I just can't let her back in my life.

Now two of my other girls are married one with kids and the others all live hundreds of miles away. I've distanced myself bc of my own personal goals. I don't like "kicking it". They will always be my girls but I'm not so inclined to spend a lot of time with anyone unless I'm in a relationship. Nothing is wrong, I just know we're all super busy and trying to make it for ourselves. I know that whenever I pick up the phone we always end up right where we left off.

Here's a question: If it's natural for people to grow apart, how do you justify the effort in having a successful marriage? I mean I would assume you would not always be on the same page. I'm not married yet but I believe I will be one day.

 

[inthepink]

Here's a question: If it's natural for people to grow apart, how do you justify the effort in having a successful marriage? I mean I would assume you would not always be on the same page. I'm not married yet but I believe I will be one day.

Maybe it's not as simple as I'm going to say (and I've never been married). But when you get married - two becomes one. So you should have the same goals and ideals in life - not that you need to be exactly the same. Friends typically do not have the same goals and ideals.

 

[inthepink]

I love love love this!!

received this today and thought of this thread

Everyone Can't Be in Your Front Row

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.
Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you LET GO, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention
to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill an d which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have DRAMA or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.



'Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you sink to theirs!'

 

[*5+5]

Just had to let go of a really close friend, refer to my blog entry for the details. I didn't want to let go b/c when we got together we had so much fun and we have a lot of history.

But when she turned on the negativity boy did she turn it up.

I went through the hoping it gets better stage for 3 years and it never did. When I realized how much it was compromising good things for me I knew I had to let go.

I still care about her and deep down inside I wish we didn't have to let go but it's best for my own personal growth. She still texts and wants to work it out, but I have to decline.