Online dating: Good or Bad Idea?

[nappysunflowers]

I am looking to start anew after 4+ years of a long distance relationship. Let me start from the beginning, although I wrote bits of it in other posts. I was in a long distance relationship (PHI-BAL), ok not that far for 4 years. I met him in grad school, then we started dating while in medical school. In the four years, I became a doc. He went from living at home, to moving into his own house, upgraded the job and the car. In four years, we have been through a lot together. He didn't have but a couple of relationships, longest being six months. I had a series of bad relationships, one after the other. He never said I love you. Never. No hints at marriage. It is very easy for me to express my feelings. I said I love you, and I got "Ok". That was the MAGICAL response?!?! I just couldn't take anymore. He was downloading for free, no intent on buying the software. I left. Well, let me write down what I would like in a man. Then, I'll continue.

I don't want much. Someone who will treat me right. Who will appreciate me for me. Someone I can be soft, pink, and feminine with. Someone who appreciate museums, concerts not sponsored by a radio station, dinners with no meat or cartoon mascots or being pitched by Guy Fieri. You don't have to be a tree hugging vegetarian, but don't jump on me because I am. (I can't stand TGI Friday's: too much sugar coated meat). Someone who doesn't see home cooking as microwaving beef taquitos. Someone who has good credit (it's a Bush ecomony), someone who will read a book not just a magazine. Someone who will pray. Someone who if he needs to will cry. Someone who will go to and stay in the gym. Someone who doesn't think a hike in the mountains is gay or for white people. Someone who watches more than ESPN. Someone who doesn't watch 6 hours of TV a day. Someone who will be a God fearing man and won't put his hands on me in an offensive manner.
This is the kind of guy I am looking for. It can't be that hard...
So, I am writing because I would like to know if I should try Match.com or eHarmony.com. I am not very good at public settings, ie-speed dating. There are not a lot of single black men in my area, well that I can see. I don't bump into any at the gym or bookstores. Church! NOPE! If they are not attached surgically attached to their girlfriends, they are married.

Any suggestions would be great...I am just not sure where to begin...This is so frustrating...I just hope something positive turns out from this. I tried online dating twice. The first time, I only attracted deranged 40+ single white guys who were in it for the fantasy. The second time, I ended up meeting a highly educated, professional, upwardly mobile seemingly ideal guy...then he kept propositioning me for sex and then decided at 1 am to whip it out and put on a show...EEEWWW!!!barf:

So, at this point, I am conflicted. I am trying to be optimistic. I am a Christian woman. However, I am unsure and I am looking for some advice. I know a lot of people who met their SO online, and some their DH...any help would be nice. Should I put this in my post on the dating website? I am so confused right now. People write about, "Oh it just happened. It ws raining men and one hit my windshield..." Some of us have to work a little harder. Some folks say Love will just find you, it's a many splendored thing, la la la. Ok. Well, it got lost and went to someone else's house, because it won't use freaking GPS... I'm sorry. Just frustrated...Just take that into consideration...

Thank you...

 

[SoUKnoMe]

Good post. Sorry I don't have anything to add, but I wish you well.

 

[SelahOco]

Okay...so here's the deal. Alot of men use online dating as a way to get free or cheap sex with hopeful women. So if you do meet a guy and he calls you sexy or mentions sex within the first two weeks -- FAIL. He's done.

Also, one good thing about online dating is that it can connect you to old freinds or people you used to go to school with. I met DH on BlackPlanet after having attended High School and church with him. We never actually talked in high school, so this was really my first time "meeting" him. We played catch up, talked about mutual friends and decided to meet.

Try myspace or facebook and make friends with men in your zipcode. See if you know any of them..and just play catch up. You might make a connection. Online dating can help expand the candidate pool...but try to stick with people you might know and people who seem like genuinely sweet people.

Hope that helped.

 

[Highly Favored8]

IMHO bad idea! Just MHO!

 

[Golong]

I should try Match.com or eHarmony.com. I am not very good at public settings, ie-speed dating. There are not a lot of single black men in my area, well that I can see. I don't bump into any at the gym or bookstores. Church! NOPE! If they are not attached surgically attached to their girlfriends, they are married.

We are in the same boat. two coworks have found their current guys online. They are always dating and going out with someone they met online. If anything its fun and a good story to tell. While i'm sitting on the side scared to try; Well no more! It's not stigmatized as it use to be. I am getting in the game too. (still weary about posting pics tho) time is ticking (31yo) and I'm treating finding a mate like its a JOB!

 

[sunnydaze]

I think online dating is a good idea. This is coming from someone who has never done it, but does plan on going on line later this year. My sister met her great husband online and I have known aboutt 3 other marriages that started online. All of this inspires me to give it a try.

I know people have horror stories, but honestly I've known people with the same horror stories, but met that person in church, da club, the grocery store, etc...so there is no difference to me. I was never a big dater prior to getting married, so if nothing else, I plan on just getting my feet wet with sitting across from someone for coffee, dinner, etc.

 

[AlkalineSteam]

Jeez girl. 4 years with no L word? Your patience is incredible.

When I was single, I loved meeting people from my online haunts. Sometimes just for friendship and hanging out. I met my husband through one of my online buddies whom I had never even met in RL (real life). I suggest that same method for you. Just like in RL when you get a hook up or a "you gotta meet this guy" from a friend, look towards some of your local online buddies and see if they know someone you might like. Do you hang out on boards or in rooms that cater to your hobbies or interests? Do you have any kindred spirits here on LHCF? If they're local, ask them if they know any local single men (in RL or online) that you might like. Can't hurt!

BTW, I had the same long distance relationship (PHI-BAL). Back and forth on the Amtrack like it was my job!

 

[ms*x]

i met my husband, and two of his friends met their wives, online. my sister met a nasty, bummy guy on the same site - they were both desperate and it worked out for them in a very sick way.

i don't condone the site i met him on anymore and i don't prefer any method of meeting men because if one trusts the method without trusting themselves or their instincts, then they are bound to fail. remember, even church can be hell when it comes to dating.

 

[20Pearls_Girl]

Online dating has been good for a few, but I would not recommend it. Typically it's a lot of married or attached men who are looking for a quick easy piece or are serial internet daters.

 

[Country gal]

Okay...so here's the deal. Alot of men use online dating as a way to get free or cheap sex with hopeful women. So if you do meet a guy and he calls you sexy or mentions sex within the first two weeks -- FAIL. He's done.
Also, one good thing about online dating is that it can connect you to old freinds or people you used to go to school with. I met DH on BlackPlanet after having attended High School and church with him. We never actually talked in high school, so this was really my first time "meeting" him. We played catch up, talked about mutual friends and decided to meet.

Try myspace or facebook and make friends with men in your zipcode. See if you know any of them..and just play catch up. You might make a connection. Online dating can help expand the candidate pool...but try to stick with people you might know and people who seem like genuinely sweet people.

Hope that helped.

GREAT POST. ESPECIALLY THE POINTS IN RED. I prefer getting to me folks in real life. It is a good idea to reconnect with someone you knew online.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Online dating can be very good but ONLY if you exercise common sense and have reasonable expectations. I'm fairly experienced with online dating myself and have been fairly successful with it (met my current guy online and it's going pretty damn good!).

First of all, you have to be SAFE. If you do meet someone online, be careful how much info you give out about yourself. It's generally best to see if you can get him to provide verifiable info first (but be fair...give as much as you get). Always, always, ALWAYS have your first few dates in a PUBLIC place and do so in a neighborhood with which you are familiar.

Second, have reasonable expectations. Do not confuse online dating with online shopping. Just because you want the item, doesn't necessarily mean it will want you back. Also, when writing a profile, try to steer clear of "demand lists." I've talked to guys and this is hands down the NUMBER ONE thing that annoys them the most about women's profiles ("The guy for me must be blah, blah, blah"). Before writing something, flip the script - what would YOU think if you were on the other side.

Try to be as positive as possible in your profile. And no, SAYING you are a positive person in your profile doesn't count. Lots of folks try to say they are positive in their profiles, but they actually come off as quite bitter, negative or angry.

One final word of advice - you will do MUCH better if you post a picture. Like it or not, men are visual. You will barely get a second glance if you don't feature a photo. Likewise, do NOT meet anyone in person who will not send you a photo first. If you do, I can almost 100% promise you that you will regret it.

 

[lexi08]

Okay...so here's the deal. Alot of men use online dating as a way to get free or cheap sex with hopeful women. So if you do meet a guy and he calls you sexy or mentions sex within the first two weeks -- FAIL. He's done.

Also, one good thing about online dating is that it can connect you to old freinds or people you used to go to school with. I met DH on BlackPlanet after having attended High School and church with him. We never actually talked in high school, so this was really my first time "meeting" him. We played catch up, talked about mutual friends and decided to meet.

Try myspace or facebook and make friends with men in your zipcode. See if you know any of them..and just play catch up. You might make a connection. Online dating can help expand the candidate pool...but try to stick with people you might know and people who seem like genuinely sweet people.

Hope that helped.

I found this to be true with online dating. I just gave up. Maybe dating online will work for the OP. Other ladies have found good men, even husbands online.

 

[MizAvalon]

Online dating can be very good but ONLY if you exercise common sense and have reasonable expectations. I'm fairly experienced with online dating myself and have been fairly successful with it (met my current guy online and it's going pretty damn good!).

First of all, you have to be SAFE. If you do meet someone online, be careful how much info you give out about yourself. It's generally best to see if you can get him to provide verifiable info first (but be fair...give as much as you get). Always, always, ALWAYS have your first few dates in a PUBLIC place and do so in a neighborhood with which you are familiar.

Second, have reasonable expectations. Do not confuse online dating with online shopping. Just because you want the item, doesn't necessarily mean it will want you back. Also, when writing a profile, try to steer clear of "demand lists." I've talked to guys and this is hands down the NUMBER ONE thing that annoys them the most about women's profiles ("The guy for me must be blah, blah, blah"). Before writing something, flip the script - what would YOU think if you were on the other side.

Try to be as positive as possible in your profile. And no, SAYING you are a positive person in your profile doesn't count. Lots of folks try to say they are positive in their profiles, but they actually come off as quite bitter, negative or angry.

One final word of advice - you will do MUCH better if you post a picture. Like it or not, men are visual. You will barely get a second glance if you don't feature a photo. Likewise, do NOT meet anyone in person who will not send you a photo first. If you do, I can almost 100% promise you that you will regret it.

All of this is excellent advice. Online dating can be very positive if you are using COMMON SENSE. I don't know why some people seem to think that just because it's online that it doesn't have the same rules as regular dating. You know the online man just as well as you know the man that you met out and about which is to say, NOT AT ALL.

I especially like the point about keeping your online dating profile positive. I see a lot of negative ones from men. I mean, the entire thing is negative: I don't want a woman with drama, I don't want anyone who plays games, I don't want someone who wants to be rescued, etc. Look, that's all well and good but nowhere has he said anything positive or affirming about himself that makes me think that spending time with him would be fun. When your profile is negative and demanding like that, it's a turn off.