Nice guys finish last: break ups

[anon123]

So I was having this discussion with my bf and this is what he said. He didn't say it exactly like this, but I recognize it as a variant of the "nice guys finish last" idea. He was saying that if you have to choose between only the two, you'll get more women choosing to be an @$$ over being weak. That women have no problem leaving a sweet guy, but they need counseling to leave men who treat them badly, verbally or physically abuse them, etc.

Has this been your experience? Do you recognize this in yourselves? Looking back at your break ups, was it hardest to leave those who treated you the worst?

 

[sharentu]

OT: your hair is gorgeous, swing it lady

 

[dlewis]

I don't have this problem and never did. All the guys I've dated but one have been really good guys. That one that wasn't good push me down and we broke up the same night. But I see it in my family ALOT. I think some women believe thats how they should be treated because maybe their fathers mistreated their mothers. IDK, I wonder that also. Sometimes I think some women just like drama and think a "boring" life with a great guy is in someway bad.

 

[lilyofthevalley]

I've seen this many times. I think some women have a harder time leaving men who treat them badly because of what the mental and physical abuse does to their self-esteem and perception of themselves. Also abuse usually happens in a cycle; first the person abuses you and then they go into a contrition phase where they are very apologetic, they'll tell you how guilty they feel, start buying you presents and what not just to get you to forgive them. Eventually they'll go back to being abusive and the cycle will repeat itself. I think it's the up and down nature of these kinds of relationships combined with self-esteem issues which causes women to stay in these relationships for too long. If someone makes you feel worthless and then just when you're about to leave them, they get all apologetic and start making you feel good, it's easy to get in the habit of wanting to give them another chance when they slip up.

 

[glam-]

So I was having this discussion with my bf and this is what he said. He didn't say it exactly like this, but I recognize it as a variant of the "nice guys finish last" idea. He was saying that if you have to choose between only the two, you'll get more women choosing to be an @$$ over being weak. That women have no problem leaving a sweet guy, but they need counseling to leave men who treat them badly, verbally or physically abuse them, etc.

Has this been your experience? Do you recognize this in yourselves? Looking back at your break ups, was it hardest to leave those who treated you the worst?

To the bolded, my bf said the same thing. Maybe that's the new male psychology. But the funny thing is, he's a nice guy, he just doesn't want to believe that he is. If he wasn't I wouldn't be with him.

 

[anon123]

OT: your hair is gorgeous, swing it lady

Thanks! But I'm annoyed by my own siggy. The movement keeps drawing my eye and annoying me. I think I'll change it tomorrow.

I don't have this problem and never did. All the guys I've dated but one have been really good guys. That one that wasn't good push me down and we broke up the same night. But I see it in my family ALOT. I think some women believe thats how they should be treated because maybe their fathers mistreated their mothers. IDK, I wonder that also. Sometimes I think some women just like drama and think a "boring" life with a great guy is in someway bad.

I think you may be right. Drama is for the theater, not the home! But I guess it's more interesting and you can get a rush from it. Makes good convos, too.

I've seen this many times. I think some women have a harder time leaving men who treat them badly because of what the mental and physical abuse does to their self-esteem and perception of themselves. Also abuse usually happens in a cycle; first the person abuses you and then they go into a contrition phase where they are very apologetic, they'll tell you how guilty they feel, start buying you presents and what not just to get you to forgive them. Eventually they'll go back to being abusive and the cycle will repeat itself. I think it's the up and down nature of these kinds of relationships combined with self-esteem issues which causes women to stay in these relationships for too long. If someone makes you feel worthless and then just when you're about to leave them, they get all apologetic and start making you feel good, it's easy to get in the habit of wanting to give them another chance when they slip up.

That makes sense. The question I'd ask after that is, do nice guys make an effort to keep the girl when she's ready to leave? Or do they just let her go?

To the bolded, my bf said the same thing. Maybe that's the new male psychology. But the funny thing is, he's a nice guy, he just doesn't want to believe that he is. If he wasn't I wouldn't be with him.

Mine is a nice guy, too, but he's not a puppy. It seems he's trying to strike a balance. And from what I can tell, he has had no problems in dating.

 

[Highly Favored8]

Yes, I seen this and with the women I know personally. Some of them do go through the motions with a bad guy vs. a nice guy.

 

[Country gal]

Well I had a "nice guy" and it was trying to be sleek. So they are all dogs.

 

[FluffyRed]

Yes and no.

If a guy is acting like an a$$, only certain women will be drawn to and put up with him.

Of those dysfunctional women, some will cling the worse he treats them. To an outside observer, this dude may appear to be more "successful" with women.

But being an a$$ is not a good strategy for a good guy to get the calibre of woman he wants for a healthy relationship.

If numbers are his goal, then yes, there are more dysfunctional people in general (male and female) than there are healthy people.

A good guy who is capable of a healthy relationship would be playing himself if he focused on quantity instead of quality, IMO.