Negging, Red Flags, "Girl You need to run"... Let's warn our sisters

BrownBetty

BrownBetty

Well-Known Member
I was inspired by our good sis @Silkycoils to create this thread. Keeping our eyes open while we are getting to know someone can help to prevent heartbreak and disappointment later.

We can provide examples that we have encountered and why it was a "Hell Nah". We can ask for insight if something doesn't sound or feel right.

Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning "negative feedback") is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval.[1] The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.[1]

Feel free to share!
 
So one major “red flag” for me is ANY kind of criticism early on! That may sound strange, and no, I’m certainly not above reproach, but I am a civilized and decent person. I treat people well, and I even enforce my boundaries with class. If I don’t know you like that, don’t criticize me . . .at all. I’m serious about this. My friends call me out when I’m wrong, but we have years of friendship and time invested wherein I’m confident that they have my best interests at heart. Don’t criticize my appearance, the way I do something . . .nothing. If I’m ashy, just hand me the lotion. :lachen:
 
Agreed @Silkycoils

I leave dudes alone who talk about:
1) Liking natural women who don't wear makeup or weave... I am not their portion so they can go
2) The ones who disparage their ex's and take no accountability in a break up
3) The ones who attempt to neg

Story Time
I was in a small town Nowhere, USA. I was visiting family and we decided to go out. I am at the bar ordering drinks and guy #1 comes up and tells the bartender "You can put her drinks on my tab". I tell him no thanks I got it, I've had too many instances where men have followed me through out the night over $25 in drinks, I'm good. I go back to my fam and guy #2 is chatting her up.

I am not interested in guy #1, so I am minding my business, listening to the music. He starts telling me he is in the music business and going to school. Me "mmm hmmm". Out the blue he says "Because I am in the music biz I'm used to being around fine women, so women like you don't impress me". *Music stops* WTF did he just say? I looked at him and asked if I sought him out? He is hemming and hawwing. I also told him to repeat what he said. Him "I'm just saying I'm not that impressed with fine women they are a dime a dozen". This ninja is crazy. I told him when he grew a couple of more inches he would be tall enough to say it my face and tell me about not being impressed, yes he was short.

I grabbed my fam and we moved. I told her what happened. She tried to rationalize it and I told her I don't play them games then shared the concept of negging with her. She got it then.
 
One thing I have been seeing a lot of lately is relationship milestones out of context. It is one thing if the relationship was solid prior to the pandemic and is running it's natural course. If you were already engaged don't let the pandemic deter you from getting married as scheduled even if you compromise on the ceremony you planned and dreamed. If you were already in a committed, monogamous, and devoted relationship but didn't actually label it until the pandemic fine. HOWEVER, if your man's behavior seems like a miracle before God, an unexpected milestone, or full repentance from the life he was living this time last year, it ain't a miracle. It's limited options, convenience and a pandemic. Yes you can find love during a pandemic, yes you can grow love during a pandemic but in the specific instance that the option was there before Covid and there as no evidence of the milestones being reached and progress being made until Covid-19 it's a reaction to the circumstance not a commitment to you. Please be careful with your hearts.
 
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Silkycoils said:
So one major “red flag” for me is ANY kind of criticism early on! That may sound strange, and no, I’m certainly not above reproach, but I am a civilized and decent person. I treat people well, and I even enforce my boundaries with class. If I don’t know you like that, don’t criticize me . . .at all. I’m serious about this. My friends call me out when I’m wrong, but we have years of friendship and time invested wherein I’m confident that they have my best interests at heart. Don’t criticize my appearance, the way I do something . . .nothing. If I’m ashy, just hand me the lotion. :lachen:
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Agreed 100%! :yep: The only time I’m ok with being criticized is if I specifically asked for it.
 
BrownBetty said:
I leave dudes alone who talk about:
1) Liking natural women who don't wear makeup or weave... I am not their portion so they can go
2) The ones who disparage their ex's and take no accountability in a break up
3) The ones who attempt to neg
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Yes yes and yes. I also leave dudes alone who
-don’t keep their word
-take no responsibility for their actions and/or blame you when they mess up.

Years ago, i had this dude tell me he was gonna call me at 8pm to confirm plans about a party he volunteered to have at his house. 8pm came and went no calls. Nothing the next day either. So I call him a full 24 hours later asking him what’s up with the party happening in a couple of days? His excuse? “I forgot because you didn’t call to remind me”
 
caribeandiva said:
Yes yes and yes. I also leave dudes alone who
-don’t keep their word
-take no responsibility for their actions and/or blame you when they mess up.

Years ago, i had this dude tell me he was gonna call me at 8pm to confirm plans about a party he volunteered to have at his house. 8pm came and went no calls. Nothing the next day either. So I call him a full 24 hours later asking him what’s up with the party happening in a couple of days? His excuse? “I forgot because you didn’t call to remind me”
Click to expand...

Yep, sounds familiar. Am I supposed to be your calendar/secretary???
 
acapnleo said:
I know you all are talking about “early” in... is it still considered the same thing if it develops “later” or gradually over time? I would love to hear thoughts and feedback on that.
Thank you all for spreading awareness :heart:
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I'm not a believer that this behavior or type of person develops over time. In my experience it was always there and I missed the signs or excused the behavior early on.

Now let's say it does shows up later, I speak on it to let him know I don't appreciate x,y,z and won't tolerate it. If it continues I leave. I will cry my tears alone and move on rather in a relationship.
 
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acapnleo said:
I know you all are talking about “early” in... is it still considered the same thing if it develops “later” or gradually over time? I would love to hear thoughts and feedback on that.
Thank you all for spreading awareness :heart:
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That just means whenever it developed it was accepted if the relationship progressed during that development. You have the option of being the gatekeeper either way. You can address it(and that doesn't mean confrontation it just means conversation and acknowledgment) or be subject to whatever it is running it's course. A person can do or be something their entire life. That has nothing to do with them having free reign to put it into yours without your permission. Straight up. Whatever they develop is one thing... how you accept, reject or shape it's impact on you makes the difference in the dynamics of relationships(all relationships not just romantic).
 
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Had a friend dating a guy who never saw her at night on holidays. Always in the morning round lunch.
because he was with his family at night.

Men who are into relationship experts like that toxic guy with the glasses who likes to tell women to lower their expectations. The one who lives in Atl- y’all know who I’m taking about?

Men who want you to build them up and be part of a power couple.
 
What to look for instead:


Blog: 10 Ways to Tell a Prince from a Frog​

Dr. Laura
How to Tell a Prince from a Frog


Finding a guy to be your boyfriend is easy - just go to any bar. What's more difficult is finding a man who deserves to be your prince.

EVERY woman wants a prince. That doesn't mean you are dependent on a man or can't do anything on your own. You can be extremely competent and self-sufficient and still want to be courted.

Here are 10 characteristics of a real prince:
1. He puts you on a pedestal. He appreciates and respects you. He knows what he has to do to show his love, and he makes darn sure he doesn't hurt you. If he accidentally hurts you, he doesn't hesitate to admit his mistake and apologize sincerely. He isn't verbally or physically ugly towards you.
2. He is a man of his word. When he says he will do something, he does it. He is loyal and takes full responsibility for his words and actions.
3. He loves you inside and out. We used to call it "warts and all". He isn't just hot for your body. He loves your strengths, nurtures your weaknesses, and thinks your imperfections are cute. He's tolerant and compassionate.
4. He is mature. He has a well-established job and a good income, and he makes plans for the future. He doesn't spend his time playing video games. He's not lazy and he's not a workaholic - he is able to balance fun and relaxation with work and productivity.
5. He is the leader in the relationship. He protects and provides.
6. He is confident in himself. He's not desperately trying to change or accommodate to satisfy anyone else's ridiculous wants or desires.
7. He is independent. He enjoys his own company, spends time with his own family and friends, and has his own hobbies and activities. He isn't needy, clingy or jealous. You are the center of his universe, but there are other planets in his solar system.
8. He is appreciative of you. He notices and praises the little things you do.
9. He is honest. He admits his mistakes and does everything with good intentions. He communicates and critiques honestly, not cruelly.
10. He is moral. He has a code of values that he lives by and you can count on.
No woman should tolerate anything less than a prince. And remember, a REAL prince also deserves a REAL princess. So if you do find a prince, don't nag, whine, complain, or act self-centered or narcissistic.
The Dr. Laura Call of the Day Podcast

www.drlaura.com

Blog: 10 Ways to Tell a Prince from a Frog

10 Things That Tell a Prince from a Frog - Finding a guy to be your boyfriend is easy - just go to any bar. What's more difficult is finding a man who deserves to be your prince...
www.drlaura.com www.drlaura.com
 
Dr Laura is slipping. This list is not a prince, it's a regular dude doing the bare minimum of decent behavior.

1. He puts you on a pedestal. He appreciates and respects you. He knows what he has to do to show his love, and he makes darn sure he doesn't hurt you. If he accidentally hurts you, he doesn't hesitate to admit his mistake and apologize sincerely. He isn't verbally or physically ugly towards you.

This ain't no damn pedestal. This is the :censored: floor. If this is supposed to be a pedestal or an elevated position, what's one or hell half a level down from a dude appreciating. respecting and not hurting you? Doing the bare minimum of kind behavior does not make a dude a Prince.

caribeandiva said:
What to look for instead:


Blog: 10 Ways to Tell a Prince from a Frog​

Dr. Laura
How to Tell a Prince from a Frog


Finding a guy to be your boyfriend is easy - just go to any bar. What's more difficult is finding a man who deserves to be your prince.

EVERY woman wants a prince. That doesn't mean you are dependent on a man or can't do anything on your own. You can be extremely competent and self-sufficient and still want to be courted.

Here are 10 characteristics of a real prince:
1. He puts you on a pedestal. He appreciates and respects you. He knows what he has to do to show his love, and he makes darn sure he doesn't hurt you. If he accidentally hurts you, he doesn't hesitate to admit his mistake and apologize sincerely. He isn't verbally or physically ugly towards you.
2. He is a man of his word. When he says he will do something, he does it. He is loyal and takes full responsibility for his words and actions.
3. He loves you inside and out. We used to call it "warts and all". He isn't just hot for your body. He loves your strengths, nurtures your weaknesses, and thinks your imperfections are cute. He's tolerant and compassionate.
4. He is mature. He has a well-established job and a good income, and he makes plans for the future. He doesn't spend his time playing video games. He's not lazy and he's not a workaholic - he is able to balance fun and relaxation with work and productivity.
5. He is the leader in the relationship. He protects and provides.
6. He is confident in himself. He's not desperately trying to change or accommodate to satisfy anyone else's ridiculous wants or desires.
7. He is independent. He enjoys his own company, spends time with his own family and friends, and has his own hobbies and activities. He isn't needy, clingy or jealous. You are the center of his universe, but there are other planets in his solar system.
8. He is appreciative of you. He notices and praises the little things you do.
9. He is honest. He admits his mistakes and does everything with good intentions. He communicates and critiques honestly, not cruelly.
10. He is moral. He has a code of values that he lives by and you can count on.
No woman should tolerate anything less than a prince. And remember, a REAL prince also deserves a REAL princess. So if you do find a prince, don't nag, whine, complain, or act self-centered or narcissistic.
The Dr. Laura Call of the Day Podcast

www.drlaura.com

Blog: 10 Ways to Tell a Prince from a Frog

10 Things That Tell a Prince from a Frog - Finding a guy to be your boyfriend is easy - just go to any bar. What's more difficult is finding a man who deserves to be your prince...
www.drlaura.com www.drlaura.com
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Negging dating stories from 21 IRL women​

1. "I'd just met this guy, and we kinda hit it off and made tentative lunch plans. Then I said something, and he said, 'Oh, you're actually smart. I wouldn't have guessed it by looking at you'. We did not have lunch."

2. "I was a teacher at the time, and this guy says, 'Oh, so you're just a teacher, I'm a software engineer...' Turns out he was actually an IT guy. Which is not the same."

3. "When talking about my savings, he rolled his eyes and said, 'Haha savings, that's cute. What, do you have like, £10k in your little savings account or something?' Yes, yes I did have £10k saved up."

4. "'You're darker skinned, but you're perfect in every way. Thing is I only date whiter girls. But I have no problem if we :censored: every once in a while'. We went on one more date until I realised what a **** jerkwad racist **** he was..."

5. "I don't really like redheads. I'll make an exception for you, though, because I like your boobs well enough to overlook your red hair'. Noped right out of there."

6. "I once had a guy say to me, 'Wow, you’re so well-spoken and intelligent! I wasn’t expecting that'. I laughed in his face when he asked me out a few minutes later."

7. "I am very well endowed, and he told me I 'looked good for a girl whose boobs are too big', and then started talking about how he prefers small ones."

8. "I once had a guy lean across the table that he and his friends had crowded into, uninvited, and say to me, 'So, are you the token fat friend or something?' He later came up and started trying to grind against my arse on the dance floor. When I moved away and scowled, he went, 'Oh my God, I was just trying to be nice'."

9. "'I don't like lipstick, you shouldn't wear it'. We had literally just met. Continued with, 'I'm just saying you should at least try a different shade'. Then proceeds with, 'Do you wear makeup because you are insecure?'"
 
continued....

10. "'I was stalking your Facebook profile, and don't take this personally, but you were so much prettier with longer hair'."

11. "'"Your arse has potential, start squatting every night and thank me later'."

12. "'You know, you're one of those girls that's good looking enough to have sex with regularly, but not the girl anyone would ever date long term'. Not going to lie, the pride took a hit."

13."I’ve gotten a ton and it’s always hilarious when I call men out on it. My favourite was a guy I met through a school club who, while asking me on a date, said, 'I actually really like your body, even though you’re overweight.' And my second favourite was simply when a dude told me on Halloween that I looked like a 'sexy but fat Cinderella'."

14. "I was naive and didn’t realise he was negging and baiting me into doing what he wanted. When we hooked up he actually said, 'wow you look way less frumpy than I thought you would'."

15. "I was out having drinks with a friend, and there’s a guy there who’s a friend of hers. We talked for a bit, he’s friendly but not at all my type (wouldn’t even be friends with him) and all of the sudden he says, ‘I told your friend I’m usually not into big girls but I have to say I really like you’. OK thanks dildohead."

16. "I was dating a guy who said, 'You're lucky I like freckles'. I LOVE my freckles and laughed in his face. Dumped him not much longer after that." [via]

17. "A few years ago, I matched with this guy on an app. His first message to me was that he thought that I was beautiful, but asked why I squint my eyes when I smile and that I’d enchant him more if I didn’t (I’m Asian so that’s ***** up). I tore that guy a new one for sure. He admitted the comment was a 'bit racist', but that I must be enjoying his company if I’m up chatting with him. Can’t fix dumb."

18. "'You're not as heavy as you are in your photos'. 'I'm surprised you believe in God since you seem smart'. 'You're not like the typical girls I've met'. 'You have great style except for your glasses. They don't suit your face'. 'Cool, if you're infertile that means I don't have to use a condom'."

19. "A guy approached me at a bar and we started chatting. Him: 'Have you read [some obscure philosophy book]'? Me: 'No, I haven't. What is it...' Him: 'Wow, you must be really ignorant.' I chuckled, shook my head, and walked away."

20. "I was kind of seeing this guy, and I invited him to be my date for the opening night of my play. I’d just finished getting dressed up really fancy (I normally dress like an old man in a wood shop), and I said, 'What do you think?' And he looked me over and said, 'Your shoes don’t fit'."

21. "Some guy came into my work (a gentleman's club') and was being rude to every single girl who approached him. He had a different neg for each one and was really aggressive in tone, like his whole goal was to make them storm off. The negative parts ranged from height to hair colour to tattoos. Mine was, 'You're really hot, but you have no personality'. I just kept giggling and saying, 'Is that so?' and nodding. He talked to me for 10 minutes, getting progressively irritated that I wasn't upset. Dummy ended up buying two dances from me."
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Dr Laura is slipping. This list is not a prince, it's a regular dude doing the bare minimum of decent behavior.

1. He puts you on a pedestal. He appreciates and respects you. He knows what he has to do to show his love, and he makes darn sure he doesn't hurt you. If he accidentally hurts you, he doesn't hesitate to admit his mistake and apologize sincerely. He isn't verbally or physically ugly towards you.

This ain't no damn pedestal. This is the :censored: floor. If this is supposed to be a pedestal or an elevated position, what's one or hell half a level down from a dude appreciating. respecting and not hurting you? Doing the bare minimum of kind behavior does not make a dude a Prince.
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Amen sister!! I agree 100%!!
 
Crackers Phinn said:
17. "A few years ago, I matched with this guy on an app. His first message to me was that he thought that I was beautiful, but asked why I squint my eyes when I smile and that I’d enchant him more if I didn’t (I’m Asian so that’s ***** up). I tore that guy a new one for sure. He admitted the comment was a 'bit racist', but that I must be enjoying his company if I’m up chatting with him. Can’t fix dumb."
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This brings up an important reminder about neg hitting. It’s best to not bother engaging with these men at all. Don’t cuss them out, try to tear them a new one, etc. They are trying to bait you into giving them the time of day. She probably wouldn’t have ever entertained this guy, but since he negged her, there she is in a text argument with him. That’s what they want. A way in.
 
Theresamonet said:
This brings up an important reminder about neg hitting. It’s best to not bother engaging with these men at all. Don’t cuss them out, try to tear them a new one, etc. They are trying to bait you into giving them the time of day. She probably wouldn’t have ever entertained this guy, but since he negged her, there she is in a text argument with him. That’s what they want. A way in.
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Exactly!! Calling someone out, setting them straight or telling them that you don’t wanna talk to them is STILL talking to them. Best revenge is your absence.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Negging dating stories from 21 IRL women

4. "'You're darker skinned, but you're perfect in every way. Thing is I only date whiter girls. But I have no problem if we :censored: every once in a while'. We went on one more date until I realised what a **** jerkwad racist **** he was..."
Click to expand...

Seriously?

(eta: racist or not, this is giving me Chris and Paige vibes)
 
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Crackers Phinn said:
14. "I was naive and didn’t realise he was negging and baiting me into doing what he wanted. When we hooked up he actually said, 'wow you look way less frumpy than I thought you would'."
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This one was eye opening. So that’s why they pick on your looks! All of those 21 stories pissed me off though.

one more from me:
I had just started talking to this guy who was a serial texter. Making plans for our dates etc... I’m not about to sit there and text you all day. So I told him to call me later when he’s free. He said: “I’m not much of a caller but I’ll make an exception for you this one time.” That didn’t sit well with me. Like YOU are doing ME a favor? The hell? Needless to say that it didn’t go anywhere and he never called anyway and had a lame excuse for that (tired from work).
 
awhyley said:
Seriously?

(eta: racist or not, this is giving me Chris and Paige vibes)
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I've only read about them in the MAFS thread but any dude who will tell someone that they aren't his type but he'll have sex with them anyway is implying pity fornication and that is undoubtedly negging. He's saying he's doing her a favor by using her body since it's there and she should be grateful that he lowered himself into doing it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I posted foreign version of negging to show that it's universal. Women everywhere are hearing the same thing. Pick Up Artist made it main stream but negging has been going on forever "you're pretty for a darkskin girl." "It must be your :moon: or :blondboob: cause it's not your face."
 
caribeandiva said:
Is it anything like the Chris and Paige fiasco mentioned above? If so :nono:
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It's the exact same. Crackers Phinn took you straight to the quote, but if you read the entire thread, it'll make your jaw drop. So much mess, so little time. They've only been married one week thus far!
 
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