Need advice from ladies in a LDR

[ultrasheen]

My sister has been in a long distance relationship for five months. She met guy at a wedding reception. They are both 45. He was in town visiting family and attended the wedding. So, he asked for her # and they went on a date before he left town. Later that same month, he bought plane ticket for her to come visit him. The visit went well they toured the city, and just enjoyed each other's company. He also bought ticket for her to visit the following month. That visit went well until he informed her that she would need to reschedule the vacation he had asked her to take off for a next visit due to finances. So she offered to buy her own ticket and explained that she wanted to show she was invested in relationship too and didn't expect him to pay for everything. He was happy that she wanted to share expenses of traveling and future vacations.

So, one week prior to the third visit with ticket that she bought he seemed to not be responding to text messages as he used to or calling on work breaks. She said visit was okay, but things seemed kind of different and not quite as close as before. She doesn't know if he is just getting "too used to being around her" or if he was distracted by some other financial issues or another woman. She is afraid that this LDR is fizzling out just like one she had about 7 years ago.

I told her to hang in there until they have their next visit Thanksgiving holidays and see how things go, because you can't always gauge a person's reaction to conversations over the phone. You need need to have eye contact to see where a person is coming from. Relationships are sometimes difficult even when you see each other everyday and live in the same city.

Has anybody else in a LDR had experiences where communication slowed down then picked back up? Did the LDR end after communication slowed down?

 

[Windsy]

"I told her to hang in there until they have their next visit Thanksgiving holidays and see how things go"

No, she needs to address this BEFORE spending money for the next visit...this is about communication, if there is a problem, she feels like it's fizzling out then she nees to speak up.

 

[ultrasheen]

"I told her to hang in there until they have their next visit Thanksgiving holidays and see how things go"

No, she needs to address this BEFORE spending money for the next visit...this is about communication, if there is a problem, she feels like it's fizzling out then she nees to speak up.

Problem. . . the ticket has already been purchased.

 

[Windsy]

Problem. . . the ticket has already been purchased.

ouch!!!

I would not go down there with this unresolved...with LDR, the communication is extremely important!!!

 

[ultrasheen]

ouch!!!

I would not go down there with this unresolved...with LDR, the communication is extremely important!!!

I agree communication is very important. When she was leaving for the airport, she told him that she really enjoyed her visit with him and the time they spent together. And, he commented that she acted like this was her last visit or something. So, she responded she had not forgotten about her upcoming Thanksgiving trip.

 

[Windsy]

I agree communication is very important. When she was leaving for the airport, she told him that she really enjoyed her visit with him and the time they spent together. And, he commented that she acted like this was her last visit or something. So, she responded she had not forgotten about her upcoming Thanksgiving trip.

Yes but why not tell him that she feels like something changed?

I think she should tell him before the visit that she feels like something changed.

 

[Highly Favored8]

"Has anybody else in a LDR had experiences where communication slowed down then picked back up? Did the LDR end after communication slowed down?"

Our key is communication, trust, respect and that LDR do not last forever and that our end goal is marriage.

HTH

However, with your sister's situation- communication and proper planning is key.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I'd be mad if I went down there and he was acting all weird during my visit. It's not worth the price of the ticket if she's gonna have a bad experience. She needs to bring it up to find out if he really wants to see her.

 

[ultrasheen]

I'd be mad if I went down there and he was acting all weird during my visit. It's not worth the price of the ticket if she's gonna have a bad experience. She needs to bring it up to find out if he really wants to see her.

I am going to advise her to find out if he really wants to see her before she goes. I agree it could make it an even worse holiday experience to feel like you are not wanted there.

 

[CurliDiva]

Maybe he is just having financial troubles (more than just the price of a plane ticket) that he does not want or feels comfortable talking with her about yet.

Most "decent" men want to PAY for everything even if the woman offers.

Ok, you may not know this...but have they talked and agreed to date exclusively? Have they been intimate yet? A LDR is not necessary on the same timetable (so 5 months is still new) than a regular dating, and their relationship expectations may not be the same.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Yeah, she needs to suss out what is really going on before setting foot on that plane. Even if the ticket has been purchased, she is still not obligated to go and see HIM when she arrives! She could just take in the sights on her own, and not be stuck up under a man who doesn't want her there or whathaveyou.

 

[LovelyRo]

Hmmm if he acted weird on the last trip and has still been acting weird, I personally wouldn't go! That enthusiasm has to stay there in order for a LDR to work!

 

[hopeful]

I think he was trying to slow things down when he asked her to reschedule the last trip. Maybe it was finances, maybe not. She should have just said okay. Then he's acting funny with the texts and treats her differently while she's there. Ticket or no ticket I would not go through the trouble. Did she purchase the Thanksgiving trip ticket or did he? And why can't he come see her? She should fall back and see if he offers to buy her ticket for Christmas.

 

[ultrasheen]

Yes they are exclusive. and yes they have been initimate. I talked with her again this afternoon. And, she said that he treated her the same last visit maybe it was her overanalyzing everything. She thinks it is a just a slow period in relationship. And, yes she did purchase Thanksgiving ticket but they have made plans for things they will do while she is there. He is working during part of holidays and cannot travel to visit her.

I think I am going to just step out of it and let the two of them figure out where they are going.

Thanks ladies . . . you all had many excellent points for her to consider.

 

[hopeful]

Yes they are exclusive. and yes they have been initimate. I talked with her again this afternoon. And, she said that he treated her the same last visit maybe it was her overanalyzing everything. She thinks it is a just a slow period in relationship. And, yes she did purchase Thanksgiving ticket but they have made plans for things they will do while she is there. He is working during part of holidays and cannot travel to visit her.

I think I am going to just step out of it and let the two of them figure out where they are going.

Thanks ladies . . . you all had many excellent points for her to consider.

@ the bolded, good idea.

 

[Cheekychica]

Like all the women have mentioned, communication is key. There are so many possible reasons for why he could be acting that way and instead of speculating with you about it, your sister should just ASK HIM DIRECTLY.


Also, don't let the ticket being purchased already be a deterrant- all airlines will let you cancel your trip for a change fee (I know) but you can use the remaining money on a different trip. If she is going to have a miserable time somewhere I'd rather swallow the change fee and plan a trip I'd actually enjoy.

 

[LovelyRo]

^^^ I agree about changing the plane ticket. I was in a LDR that had turned rocky leading up to Thanksgiving. A couple of days before I was supposed to leave, I called the airline and made sure he could get a credit. Then, I politely let him know that I wouldn't be coming to visit and and that I was done with the relationship!

 

[chocolat79]

Trust the gut! Something somewhat similar happened to me and he was acting "weird" when I went to visit. I addressed it before I left though and he gave me some reason/excuse as to his distance. We're just friends now and I'm back with my ex.

I know "weird" and distance from a MILE away. It's just better to address it head on and get it over with. Especially with LDR's, there's too many variables involved and especially when you don't know someone that well. You'll drive yourself crazy wondering what's going on. Tell her to just tell him how she feels or felt at the last visit and see what he says. Then, she can make a better determination.

Believe me, there's few things worse than realizing that the person doesn't want you there like you thought, but you're kind of "stuck" because you spent the money/time to go. It's best to know before you go.