Need Advice!!! Concerning my husband and his sister.

[brownsugar99]

There are actually two parts to this story. I feel like I've been disrespected by both my husband and his youngest sister. In two completely different ways. I'm interested in knowing how you ladies would deal with a situation like this one.

Here's some background info:
I gave birth to twin daughters 6 wks ago. I also have a son from a previous relationship. My sister in law is staying with us. She is supposed to be here through June until I return to work. Her responsibility while here is simply to assist me as needed. While here, we are supporting her in every way, which I have no problem with if she's truly providing us with a service. Basically, she's our in-home nanny/housekeeper. Then she was going back home and continuing with school in the fall, as she already has an associate degree.

So what's the problem?

I'll start with her:
She's the baby of four with 'daddy problems.' Basically, dad left when she was in Elementary and when my husband was in high school. She's 21 now and he's almost 26. It's no secret how she feels about him. If he weren't her brother she'd want him as her man. She's made this clear on several occasions (including our wedding). It's actually borderline incestuous. In her eyes he can do no wrong and I feel like she thinks that nobody is good enough for him. I'm not taking anything away from him because he's a GREAT husband and daddy and not to brag but we're pretty even on the totem pole. We both have great careers and are very educated. We both share a lot of characteristic traits, morals, etc. Basically, what I (and she) admires about him are the same things that he admires about me.
The problem is that every time I turn my back it's like she's pushing up on my husband. Trying to compete for his attention/affection. For example, just last night, we were in our office and I was sitting on his lap while he was on the computer. I left to go check on the babies and came back to see her hugging him. Like she was sitting on the couch waiting for me to leave the office. Or we could be on the couch watching a movie and if I get up to use the restroom, she'll be in my spot. The funny thing that she doesn't realize is that if she weren't his sister he wouldn't be interested anyway, because she lacks the maturity and intellectual capacity that he enjoys. Even for her age, she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
Anyhow, He's married with children now and she's grown as well. Isn't it time for them to start acting like it? On top of that, she doesn't cook or clean (including the room or bathroom that she uses), if she washes dishes it's only the ones that she uses and she has no interest in doing anything with my son from before. If my husband accepts him then she should too. Especially if her job is to assist. It's not to come into our home and show favoritism. Plus, when he's not here she stays in the room not saying much of anything to anyone. I've bitten my tongue several times because she was supposed to be leaving within a few months. This leads me to my hubby:

He discussed the idea that she should stay with us and finish 2 1/2 yrs of schooling because it's easier to get into the program here rather than the huge city that they are from. Where we live is one of the fastest growing places in the country but the demand does not yet exceed the supply in the program of her choice. Really it's the program that she just chose approximately 2 wks ago- well he suggested it for her because she had no clue what she wanted to do. He discussed this idea with her, went through the curriculum and all. Then comes to me in front of her and asks how I feel about it. May I add, this is completely out of his character. He usually asks my opinion on every tiny thing and it hurt my feelings a lot that he would suggest welcoming someone into our home to live until Dec 2010 without consulting with me first. No details have been worked out except for the fact that she's registered for summer classes and plans on staying. She's gonna love being close to him for all of that time and I'm going to loathe it. And I know they (him and her) don't think we're supposed to be supporting her for all of that time! I have not said anything to him yet and I don't want to just blow up when I do (trust me, I'm on the verge of exploding). What do you ladies suggest?

 

[queen_t]

I suggest you confront these concerns with your husband now, in a calm manner, before things really get out of hand. She needs to know her place IF she's gonna be allowed to live in YOUR home.

If she's supposed to be there to lend a hand, have your husband say something to her, since he's the brother. People will only do what they are allowed to get away with.

Brownsugar, I say cut it in the bud, before things get worse and before you have to live miserably in your own home.

 

[deola]

I don't usually do this-I mean give advise on a forum but righteous indignation rose up within me as I read your post!
Firstly nobody should be giving you stress as you are a new mom-that goes for both your husband and his sister-OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER!

Secondly while I want to say- tell the immature child to get outta your house and GROW UP! and chastise your husband for putting you on the spot like that- I will not do that. Atleast not in that fashion.

I think you should have a talk with your DH and let him know how you feel about the whole thing. Believe me when I say that having anyone live with you especially family-yours or his is very trying. I literally prayed out a relation from my home and this was after telling her some home truths- but I digress. As for missy-who-doesn't know-her-left-from-her-right, do not hesitate from letting her know that as long as she's in your house eating your food and renting free space, she has to clean up after herself. I will not trust her with my kids at all.

Please have that talk with your DH and regardless of what he might say, I believe your happiness is his utmost joy and he'll not want anything or anyone to jeopardise it

My two cents.

 

[Leslie_C]

Ok Im sorry, but Im a little bit perplexed...

I can understand you not wanted her to live there simply because you would like to have your privacy.

What I dont understand, is what makes u think that she loves him as anything more than a brother? That is sick. *hold on while I throw up*.

My brother and I were two peas in a pod growing up and were super close. We live in different states now, but to this day when we see each other we are hugged up snug as a bug....we just love each other to death and always had a close bond, we have always been closer to each other than either of us were to our older sister...but my brother and I are only 2 years apart. We love each other dearly, but if anyone suggested that our affection towards each other was inappropriate, I would have to say THEY were the one with the issues.

My brothers girlfriend is a psycho who is jealous of our relationship and his relationship with basically anyone who isnt her...she was jealous of our 11 year old cousin because he doted over her when she was younger and still does. She basically gets her feelings hurt because he shows more affection towards me than he does to her. He isnt into public displays of affection, holding hands, and all of that...so she gets mad that he doesnt have a problem showing me affection, but has a problem doing so towards her. For one thing, its two different types of affection, and two different types of relationships. I always thought she was the sick one.

Are u sure u arent taking what she says out of context? Its no different than a woman saying they want to be with a man who is like their father,etc. She is saying a man like her brother is the kind of man she would want.

I think you are entitled to your feelings about her living with u, I wouldnt want her there either...I just dont see why a loving brother/sister relationship could be mistaken for anything else.

 

[Rapunzel*]

tell your husband how you feel. a closed mouth dont get fed. i think shes very sickly to want her brother i mean thats just nasty,lastly she needs to go where she came from. you all are married with 3 children the third wheel shouldn't matter

good luck and im sorry this happened to you

 

[lala]

This is a significant issue. But, I wouldn't ever discuss my concerns with the SIL or in front of the SIL. Talk privately with your DH when you're positive that she's not within range.

Does your husband know how you really feel about his sister? I would think if he thought that you'd disagree or feel uncomfortable about the suggestions that he made, that he would've discussed his thoughts with you before he spoke with her. I'm only saying this because you mentioned that he usually tells you everything. You need to find a way to tell him (in a nice way) that you are uncomfortable with his decision and that you and your SIL don't seem to be bonding. See what he suggests.

I've faced similar issues with my IL's simply because they used to think that they came 1st in my DH's life. In close-knit families it may be hard to accept the affection between siblings simply because you may not display affection to that level with your siblings. I wouldn't mention your suspicions to your DH about the incest-like behavior. You don't want to say anything that would cause division and encourage him to go to his sister for advice or comfort before going to you.

 

[drasgrl]

WTF!? His sister wants to get with him? She needs counseling. Did you bring up this incest with your husband? Do you think she would actually try something? I'm just disgusted I really don't have any thing to say other than WTF! I hope everything can be worked out for your sanity.

 

[blackmaven]

I think you should sit down have a nice long discussion with your husband when you calm down. His sister needs to learn to treat all kids the same no favoritism on top of that leave go live on campus.

 

[brownsugar99]

I said "borderline incestuous". I don't think she'd actually try anything. And it's not the loving relationship nor the hugs that bother me. It's the fact that she tries to sneak and do it as soon as I turn my back that bothers me. I'm very close to my brother who lives about 3 hrs away and we hug and conversate when he's around but I've NEVER waited until someone left his presence to try to get more attention from him than a significant other. And the fact that she seems to look at our home as his and not ours also bothers me. Especially since I bring as much to the table as he does and even if I didn't we're married. I know I have a good man and I can even admire the fact that she looks up to him and wants a husband just like him but nobody needs to hear it a million times.

 

[blackmaven]

I said "borderline incestuous". I don't think she'd actually try anything. And it's not the loving relationship nor the hugs that bother me. It's the fact that she tries to sneak and do it as soon as I turn my back that bothers me. I'm very close to my brother who lives about 3 hrs away and we hug and converse when he's around but I've NEVER waited until someone left his presence to try to get more attention from him than a significant other. And the fact that she seems to look at our home as his and not ours also bothers me. Especially since I bring as much to the table as he does and even if I didn't we're married. I know I have a good man and I can even admire the fact that she looks up to him and wants a husband just like him but nobody needs to hear it a million times.

I would ignore her immature tail.

 

[Leslie_C]

I said "borderline incestuous". I don't think she'd actually try anything. And it's not the loving relationship nor the hugs that bother me. It's the fact that she tries to sneak and do it as soon as I turn my back that bothers me. I'm very close to my brother who lives about 3 hrs away and we hug and converse when he's around but I've NEVER waited until someone left his presence to try to get more attention from him than a significant other. And the fact that she seems to look at our home as his and not ours also bothers me. Especially since I bring as much to the table as he does and even if I didn't we're married. I know I have a good man and I can even admire the fact that she looks up to him and wants a husband just like him but nobody needs to hear it a million times.

....lol. So basically she acts like she is competing for his attention? That is pretty immature and it also sounds like she has made no effort to have a relationship with you, since u mentioned she stays hidden away in her room when he isnt around. That almost sounds like a catty female thing, like she is jealous of what you have, even though its with her brother. You all sound like you have a good life together. I find it very disturbing that she treats your other child differently.

 

[trini_rican]

Congrats on your new babies!! She sounds like she's jealous of your relationship with your husband - her brother (whom she probably looks at like a father). Her little hugs and affection when you walk out is just to re-assure herself that he still loves her dispite the fact that he has a wife and kids.

You need to address this issue one on one with your husband. From A-Z, detailing the things you like that she does and the things you feels she needs to work on. Then let him know - I feel it would be better received coming from you than from me - she does adore her big bro (make him the bad guy) sorry but it will keep tensions down in your home. Additionally it will re-affirm your position as first and (needs to be happiest =my wife).

Let him know the living situation is temporary - it's not a done deal unless you're completely happy with her performing the duties you guys have outlined for her. All of which is inclusive of her doing light house keeping (doing more than cleaning only her dishes), keeping her room, and her bathroom clean. Also assisting you with cooking and taking care of the kids (all of the kids) she is living there for free after all.

Don't forget to discuss the intimacy and how you feel uncomfortable when it's done (only when you leave the room) - what's up with that?

Putting your feelings out there now will save you a ton of heartache in the future. After 16 yrs married to the same man I do exactly what my mami told me when I started dating my husband - as soon as he does something you don't like, let him know right then and there. If you let it slide once he'll be like you didn't mind the first time I did it. So nip it in the bud quick! Good luck girlie.


HTHs, (((big hugs))) sorry you're having this drama interrupting the joy you should be having at such a beautiful time.

 

[MidBackCrisis]

Thats a little too much as far as her attitude is concerned. There is nothing else for me to add on being that the ladies that responded to your thread have pretty much said what I would have said. I wouldnt keep her in my house because she seems a little too obsessed with her brother to the point that she may be looking to split u guys up. Not saying that you are your husband arent close, but ya never know. Sometimes family can hurt u more than they can help u and I know this for a fact.

 

[chellero]

She needs to get out of your house if she can't treat all of your children the same. That kind of thing is damaging to a child's self esteem. I don't think that I'd let her live with me until 2010 either. Marriage and young children are stressful enough without having a relative move in. She's also not helping like she should and probably doesn't feel that she ought to help because she's family. I say put her out and hire a nanny/cleaning lady. You should probably talk to your husband about it, but if it were me and he hadn't consulted me before telling her she can stay, I wouldn't consult him before putting her out on the sidewalk. Even if you only hire a nanny/maid part time it will probably be less expensive and more useful then having that weird acting sister around.

 

[donna894]

OP.. I scanned through you post pretty quickly. RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS!!! Why isn't your husband setting boundaries and discouraging his sister's inappropriate displays of affection? Why is he turning a blind eye toward her blatant disrespect toward you? Also why would he discuss her living in your home with her first and then spring it on you with her present? He is acting like he has two wives!! This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are some deep underlying issues here that a simple conversation just won't take care of. You and your husband need marital counseling ASAP!

 

[tocktick]

WTF!? His sister wants to get with him? She needs counseling. Did you bring up this incest with your husband? Do you think she would actually try something? I'm just disgusted I really don't have any thing to say other than WTF! I hope everything can be worked out for your sanity.

i didn't read anything in the OP that was incestuous. OP said she thinks their behaviour is borderline incestuous, not that is actually is. before i go calling OP's SIL incestuous, i take what she said with a grain of salt.

having "daddy issues" and being clingy to your brother is not grounds for incest, imo. her brother is probably like some kind of replacement father to her. i think SIL probably subconsciously thinks him being married is like how her father abandoned her. OP should talk to her husband but don't throw around the word "incest"; bringing up her "competitiveness" needs to be addressed through.

honestly, i think she never worked through her issues concerning her dad leaving and she should talk to a professional. in the meantime, she doesn't need an extended stay at your house and if she can't treat OP's child fairly she doesn't need to be there at all.

 

[IntoMyhair]

My real honest opinion please don't take this the wrong way!

She is a female if she can cook clean or tend to your kids less than you can she still has a slit between her legs. If she was just a female friend i would say she wants to fU@k your husband. But since she is his sister i will keep that in the back of my mind.


Don't let her stay longer than already planned. For me she would be out of my house. The situation is just to sticky for me. And what you see the whole jumping in his face when you leave the room. Distancing herself from you when he is not around. And the comments she has made about wanting him for a husband. She is a grown woman who has no boundaries for herself or respect for others.

I don't know your husband. How does he feel about how she acts towards him? All i will say is men in general have ego's and he could enjoy having you both via for his attention and affection.


Did he say something to you about her staying longer in front of her knowing that you would just agree to it. So you would not be seen as the bad person.

Like i side before take out the fact that they share the same blood. I would say she wants him.
And folks that share blood screw all the time.

I would get her out of my house. To stop the drama from even starting.

 

[Bublin]

1. I would ignore her behaviour - totally block it out. She can see that you are being wound-up by her behaviour and she is revelling in it.

2. How come your husband is so accepting of his sister hugging up on him and being overly affectionate, doesn't he at least think its a little strange?

Do they do this in public or is it just indoors where its going to annoy you?

Does anyone else notice how 'close' they are?

If you and your hubby are so close, how come he can't see how upset you are about all this?

 

[dlewis]

I have been though something similar in my marriage. She would be out my house. Why did you allow this woman into your home knowing how she felt about your husband, her brother? I would explain it to him and demand that he make other arrangements for her. She needs to be gone ASAP.

 

[stinastina]

I have been though something similar in my marriage. She would be out my house. Why did you allow this woman into your home knowing how she felt about your husband, her brother? I would explain it to him and demand that he make other arrangements for her. She needs to be gone ASAP.

This question came to mind also. I understand you need the help right. BTW, congrats on your babies - that's a lot of work ! BUT, she is not helping at all and adding to your stress. She needs to G-O !

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Talk to your husband and let him know that she needs to leave as planned. She is grown and if she wants to go to school in that town she can get a job and a place of her own. This will get worse. Talk to him NOW not later...good luck!

 

[syze6]

My husband's brother came to live with us and it was pure hell! He DIDN"T wash dishes and he ate up whatever he could find. He would disturb me by ringing the door bell during the week at am hours. His gf had the nerve to ring my doorbell at a disrespectful time. They would sit outside in the car arguing and cursing each other out loudly. My neighbors commented on it and it was crazy!

My husband who has more mouth in the home toward me, was not man enough to set them straight! So I did it! I told him his brohter has to go and he could go with him, if he loved him that much! The brother was gone on his birthday! In-laws sometimes feel that they don't have to respect you, LIKE HELL THEY DONT!!!

 

[dlewis]

My husband's brother came to live with us and it was pure hell! He DIDN"T wash dishes and he ate up whatever he could find. He would disturb me by ringing the door bell during the week at am hours. His gf had the nerve to ring my doorbell at a disrespectful time. They would sit outside in the car arguing and cursing each other out loudly. My neighbors commented on it and it was crazy!

My husband who has more mouth in the home toward me, was not man enough to set them straight! So I did it! I told him his brohter has to go and he could go with him, if he loved him that much! The brother was gone on his birthday! In-laws sometimes feel that they don't have to respect you, LIKE HELL THEY DONT!!![/QUOTE]

That's right that's why most of them are not allowed at my house.

 

[scorpio70]

I'm not married, nor do i have a boyfriend so take this in that context.

I think you should definately talk to the husband...in private. Go out to eat or something and discuss it on neutral territory.

Everyone's already covered that part...but, what I think is missing is the content of the discussion. I think it's a mistake to point any kind of finger at the sister. Your husband is going to ignore everything you say and jump to her defense. The last place you want him is in the middle and feeling like he's forced to choose between you.

You've gotta use that old fashioned honeyism. 'Honey, i really admire you for the way you look out for your sister. She really looks up to you and you are surely a good influence on her.' THEN TWIST IT...
'but, i wonder if this doesn't take it's toll on you.'
'i'd like to see her in a loving relationship like ours and settled with a family in her own stable home.'
'how do you think we can help her get there?'
at this point, hopefully his guard is down and he acknowledges the stress she brings into the home. then, you guys can discuss it as a team. it has to be you and him against her. not him in the middle forced to choose. i think he'd resent that.

(my base assumption is that he wants what's best for her and realizes that living up under him isn't that. you know what they say about assumptions, so i could be wrong. but you've gotta start somewhere)

if he doesn't take the honey, you're going to have to give it to him intravenously. LOL

'babe - i love your family and want to do everything possible to support them, but, lately i've been feeling like a visitor in our home.'
'i would like to set up some ground rules and i really need your support.'

the key is to let him know that you understand why he's doing what he's doing, that you think ultimately his heart is in the right place but, unfortunately it's causing you to feel x,y,z way.

oh and how you feel is not the same as, 'i feel like she's a beyatch'. you may think that, but, it probably makes you feel upset/hurt/alone, etc.

hope that helps.

 

[Sunnum]

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[WomanlyCharm]

Someone once told me there can only be one queen bee in every hive.

Tell your husband privately that you would like some time for him, you and the babies to bond together as a family. Your SIL is not helping you do that. Pluse you are a new mother, and don't need the added stress. And mention the financial aspect of having her stay as well. If he'd like to contribute money to her living expenses or education elsewhere, more power to him, but she doesn't have to be living in your house.

When you are that uncomfortable and upset in your own home, it's time for her to go.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I said "borderline incestuous". I don't think she'd actually try anything. And it's not the loving relationship nor the hugs that bother me. It's the fact that she tries to sneak and do it as soon as I turn my back that bothers me. I'm very close to my brother who lives about 3 hrs away and we hug and converse when he's around but I've NEVER waited until someone left his presence to try to get more attention from him than a significant other. And the fact that she seems to look at our home as his and not ours also bothers me. Especially since I bring as much to the table as he does and even if I didn't we're married. I know I have a good man and I can even admire the fact that she looks up to him and wants a husband just like him but nobody needs to hear it a million times.

I think she's in love with the idea of having everything her brother can provide. You, I don't think she seems to dislike you, but it seems like she doesn't respect you as an authoritative figure in the home. You simply need to put down your boundaries and let them know what you will and won't stand for. You're a grown woman, and while I'm only 23, I've been there and done that- there is no need to feel alienated in your own home.

 

[tdwillis]

I can understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have let almost everyone from both sides of the family (and friends) to live with us. I would not like that situation either. However, for me it was the other way around. We finally decided to make a pact that no other family members, friends, etc. can live with us. It is just too hetic because you'll always be loyal to blood.
Talk to your husband, not SIL about how you feel. She should get an apartment over the summer and suggest that she can visit (a limited number of times/week). Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is to let them grow up and mature by saying "NO" and being fine with that.

 

[Leslie_C]

I can understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have let almost everyone from both sides of the family (and friends) to live with us. I would not like that situation either. However, for me it was the other way around. We finally decided to make a pact that no other family members, friends, etc. can live with us. It is just too hetic because you'll always be loyal to blood.
Talk to your husband, not SIL about how you feel. She should get an apartment over the summer and suggest that she can visit (a limited number of times/week). Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is to let them grow up and mature by saying "NO" and being fine with that.

As much as I hate to admit it, my sister being the queen B* she tends to be at times...this is true. When I moved to FL from TN...my sister invited me to move in with her and her husband (I was to pay rent/share expenses). They started going thru a lot of problems and eventually got divorced, but during the middle of it all, it was a strain by me being there.

My sister basically told me I was gonna have to get on my own two feet or move back home to TN. Heck no was I going back home...I had gotten out of that small dead end town and wasnt going back. It literally lit a fire under my butt. I applied to LPN school and got my own apartment (it was in the hood, but it was cheap and all I could afford at the time). I went to LPN school, then I finished my RN pre requisites and finished the bridge program and became an RN. If it werent for her ultimatum, I doubt I would be where I am now. It really motivated me to get my life together.

Tough love is the best remedy sometimes.

 

[Allandra]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I suggest sitting down and telling your husband how you really feel (about everything).

I would not want someone else living in my home like that or for that long). No way. No how. Sounds like she'll only continue to be more trouble.