Natural Vs. Relaxed? I need help! (mini-rant)

[Papoose]

Ok ladies. It's like this. I am completely fed up ! My natural 4 something hair is driving me up the wall. I'm tired of the shrinkage, I'm not that great at styling it, I can't seem to get my reggie down and I need some variety. ARGGGHHHH!!!! What's a sista to do?

It's been about 6 years since my last relaxer and I'm curious. My last experience was HORRIBLE (hair washed down the drain) and I'm a bit reluctant to try it again. Then if I relax, I feel like I'm turning my back on the natural movement. I also feel like I might not like it. I'm so confused!

On top off all of that, my hair doesn't seem to be growing much. I expected to have at least full APL or MBL now that I'm taking better care of it.

I love my natural hair, but I don't want to run back to weaves, braids or extension kinky twists (although I do that in the winter).

HELP!!!!!

 

[msa]

I'm tired of the shrinkage, I'm not that great at styling it, I can't seem to get my reggie down and I need some variety. ARGGGHHHH!!!! What's a sista to do?

I think you have to decide what your main issue is, and will it be solved by getting a relaxer (ie will you be more content with your hair?).

Shrinkage...you'll always have that when you're natural...you can get rid of it with a relaxer.

Styling...you're not good at styling natural hair...will you be good at styling relaxed hair (is it easier for you?).

Regimen...natural hair needs a regimen...relaxed hair needs a regimen. It's really important that you understand you hair's needs now because once you add a chemical it's imperative you understand your hair so that you don't mess it up.

Variety...natural hair can have lots of variety (some of this is connected to styling, but styling can definitely be learned and not be difficult)...relaxed hair can also have a lot of variety (also related to styling). Which styles do you like the best?

Your hair is growing, regardless of natural or relaxed. So your main problem sounds like retention and not having a great regimen. You should definitely figure those things out before you relax so that you don't have a setback.

Anyway, I said all that to say, really look at each side. Is relaxing really going to solve all your hair issues? If so, relax. If not, do some research, read threads, and try to find solutions.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

It always strikes how irrevocable the choice is to use a chemical to straighten hair, as if there is nothing in between that allows us to experiment or try on a straight look. But there are choices that don't require you to totally give up your natural hair texture -- Flat ironing, roller setting, Dominican blow-outs. Have you tried them?

 

[Junebug D]

Been there.

I definitely agree with Msa, you need to answer those questions for yourself before you do anything. In my case, the answer to most of those questions was YES, so I acted accordingly.

Fear, "turning your back on the natural movement"... that stuff really is of little importance. I was worried about the same things, but if your hair really is making you miserable, then you need to find a way to make it enjoyable (or at least tolerable) for yourself again because what's the point of having & growing hair if you're not happy with it?

For me it was a matter of "I've been doing this for over 6 years, I've never been past SL, I always get fed up by this point and cut it off again only to feel frustrated again a year or 2 down the line..." The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.

There are excellent resources here for whatever you chose, so don't let fear stop you from doing what you feel is best for you.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

I've been where you are. I think you need to ask yourself a few fundamental questions.

What do I really want for my hair?

In what state do I feel most comfortable with my hair?

Am I making decisions out of frustration and not having my regimen together or am I genuinely frustrated with my natural hair?

The natural movement has to start from within, you don't owe anyone anything. If you dont feel a connection to it, then dont feel obligated to it.

There was a time when I had no earthly idea what styles to do with my 4a hair or how to manage and you know what I did? Hopped right onto google and youtube and typed in natural hair styles, or protective hair style afro hair and got a plethora of ideas and inspiration. Type those keywords into the search engine on LHCF and see what you come up with.

Also remember that its good to give yourself a break from your hair here and there, straighten it, do/get some pixie braids in your own natural hair, get some senegalese twists, or a weave or some tree braids.

When I feel like feeling my hair SWANG I simply straighten and enjoy it, there are SO many natural styles to choose from so natural hair should'nt feel limiting. You an check out my face book fan page for a buncha natural styles you might wanna give a whirl.

You sound like you're simply frustrated and thats not a great position to make drastic hair decisions in. Take a second, do a search breathe, maybe put your hair in a long term protective style for some perspective then see how you feel

 

[MsBoinglicious]

I'm going through this as well, for about 2 months now. I am struggling with staying natural or relaxing again. I had a set back with single strand knots!

Whats your regi?

 

[Papoose]

Thanks for all the feedback ladies. I'm going to think about it and reply when I get home from work. My main issues are I'm having ahard time styling & I need a change. I'll definitely give it some thought.

Keep the replies coming. Thanks for the support!

 

[growth2come]

if you cant style your hair when you are natural what are the chances that you will know how to style when you are relaxed. For me the only difference is straight and curly/kinky between the two. You will need to find out what your hair like when you are natural same thing when you relaxed some of the products that work well when your hair was natural might not work when you are permed.

I have been a natural since 05 to this day I am still learning what works for me. Sometimes I wanna try a new "IT" product sometimes it works and sometimes they leave my hair dry and I have to quickly go back to my beloved oldies.

As far as styling I am still discovering there is more you can do with natural hair. You can do roller sets, flat twists and single twists all of which have a 2N1 style cause after you take them out you have another curly style you can rock for a few more days. You can straight your hair and then go back to curly without too many issues(unless you fry your hair...) Anywhooo...all I am saying is that even with those that have long natural hair there is always plenty to learn. IF perming hair meant that all you hair problems would be wipped out then we wouldnt have any permed haired ladies on the forum, would we??!....Each side has its +/-

 

[jamaraa]

Well shrinkage goes w/ the territory bb....can't help ya there! However, if I were you, I might go for a temporary change by getting it hot combed out or whatever. This way, you can see if you like/can care for straight hair w/o being committed. Add water and POOF again! It also allows for a length check. I think you'll be stunned at how much hair you have. It's always a shock for me. Let me tell you, you have FAR more hair than you think you do. Getting it straightened will bowl you over since you seem to think your hair ain't growing...it is! Trust me!

If you live on the East Coast, why not consider an Ethiopian or Dominican salon? They seem to be able to get it straight to almost relaxed, but add water and POOF again!

I've been natural 99% of my life and I can fully understand wanting a change sometimes. You have no idea how many times I considered nuking it w/ a relaxer, but somehow something always stops me.

 

[Papoose]

It always strikes how irrevocable the choice is to use a chemical to straighten hair, as if there is nothing in between that allows us to experiment or try on a straight look. But there are choices that don't require you to totally give up your natural hair texture -- Flat ironing, roller setting, Dominican blow-outs. Have you tried them?

I haven't tried the Dominican blow out yet. Some of my natural friends swear by them & others have had so-so experiences. I'v ebeen considering it though...

I think you have to decide what your main issue is, and will it be solved by getting a relaxer (ie will you be more content with your hair?).

Shrinkage...you'll always have that when you're natural...you can get rid of it with a relaxer.

Styling...you're not good at styling natural hair...will you be good at styling relaxed hair (is it easier for you?).

Regimen...natural hair needs a regimen...relaxed hair needs a regimen. It's really important that you understand you hair's needs now because once you add a chemical it's imperative you understand your hair so that you don't mess it up.

Variety...natural hair can have lots of variety (some of this is connected to styling, but styling can definitely be learned and not be difficult)...relaxed hair can also have a lot of variety (also related to styling). Which styles do you like the best?

Your hair is growing, regardless of natural or relaxed. So your main problem sounds like retention and not having a great regimen. You should definitely figure those things out before you relax so that you don't have a setback.

Anyway, I said all that to say, really look at each side. Is relaxing really going to solve all your hair issues? If so, relax. If not, do some research, read threads, and try to find solutions.

I do have a lot to think about. I was good at styling my hair when it was relaxed. I'd do rollersets, all types of wet sets, braid outs you name it. With my natural hair, I'm most comfortable with two-strand twists. That can be REALLY time consuming because I have a big head & full hair. Lol

I've been where you are. I think you need to ask yourself a few fundamental questions.

What do I really want for my hair?

In what state do I feel most comfortable with my hair?

Am I making decisions out of frustration and not having my regimen together or am I genuinely frustrated with my natural hair?

The natural movement has to start from within, you don't owe anyone anything. If you dont feel a connection to it, then dont feel obligated to it.

There was a time when I had no earthly idea what styles to do with my 4a hair or how to manage and you know what I did? Hopped right onto google and youtube and typed in natural hair styles, or protective hair style afro hair and got a plethora of ideas and inspiration. Type those keywords into the search engine on LHCF and see what you come up with.

Also remember that its good to give yourself a break from your hair here and there, straighten it, do/get some pixie braids in your own natural hair, get some senegalese twists, or a weave or some tree braids.

When I feel like feeling my hair SWANG I simply straighten and enjoy it, there are SO many natural styles to choose from so natural hair should'nt feel limiting. You an check out my face book fan page for a buncha natural styles you might wanna give a whirl.

You sound like you're simply frustrated and thats not a great position to make drastic hair decisions in. Take a second, do a search breathe, maybe put your hair in a long term protective style for some perspective then see how you feel

Thank you for all of the suggestions. Now that I've calmed down, i know that I can work on my regi. I was SUPER frustrated today. I tried a new style last night and it didn't come out well.

I LOVE my hair natural. It's much stronger and a lot of fun. I would really like to be BSL stretched. I guess I'm just frustrated because it seems like I'm stuck at this length (collarbone stretched). Then again, it may be longer once I straighten it.

I'm going through this as well, for about 2 months now. I am struggling with staying natural or relaxing again. I had a set back with single strand knots!

Whats your regi?

My regi includes wash &DC 1x week, moisture & seal daily. I do a protein treatment every other month and a super DC once a month.
I do try to stick to protective styles, but my fav (two strands) often leaves me with knots. erplexed

Well shrinkage goes w/ the territory bb....can't help ya there! However, if I were you, I might go for a temporary change by getting it hot combed out or whatever. This way, you can see if you like/can care for straight hair w/o being committed. Add water and POOF again! It also allows for a length check. I think you'll be stunned at how much hair you have. It's always a shock for me. Let me tell you, you have FAR more hair than you think you do. Getting it straightened will bowl you over since you seem to think your hair ain't growing...it is! Trust me!

If you live on the East Coast, why not consider an Ethiopian or Dominican salon? They seem to be able to get it straight to almost relaxed, but add water and POOF again!

I've been natural 99% of my life and I can fully understand wanting a change sometimes. You have no idea how many times I considered nuking it w/ a relaxer, but somehow something always stops me.

I'm glad that I posted here this morning. It helped me put things into perspective. thanks again ladies!

 

[Kranbery]

If you need a break, you can flat iron it. If your hair can handle the heat without any damage. I wouldn't do it a lot, but every now and then. I don't think there would be anything wrong with that.