Natural Negativity (sorry long rant)

[Ennyaa]

Hello Ladies,

This is something that's been discussed a lot in threads about natural hair but I felt the need to come in here and vent about it personally today. Let me start off by saying I'm NOT the type of person that goes around preaching that natural hair is the only way to go. Hell, I've been through SO many phases with my look I can't even remember. I did the Halle Berry short thang in the 90's (with everybody else.) I've had every kind of weave you can imagine, braids to my butt, cornrows. I even went natural for a bit but no one knew it since my hair was never out of braids. You name it, I tried it, but always I've wanted to grow my hair long. (Since I was little girl dancing around with a shirt on my head singing Donna Summer.)

This board was a blessing for me and as SOON as I started following the healthy hair tips here my length and health began to show. Eventually (about 2 years ago) my journey led me to decide that I wanted to go natural. Of all the things I've done to my hair this has been the thing that's made me the most excited. My hair is the longest and healthiest it's ever been. I sit and look for HOURS at the beautiful natural albums of the ladies here and it keeps me SO inspired and excited just thinking of what I have and can achieve.

I love my hair natural and I get SO many compliments (ironically mostly from white people) and stares when I dare to wear a big puff or get that bangin braidout juuuust right. Still workin on a full on fro with no headband (stupid floppy front!) Sometimes I just look at my natural hair in the mirror all big and curly and just can't stop smiling from ear to ear.

Unfortunately, I'm the ONLY ONE that's excited. My husband remains unenthused and often comments that I should get braids. My sister tells me I must be in a "teenage rebellion phase" (HELLO I'M 30!) and I "need a hotcomb". My cousin thinks that natural hair "looks a mess" and I should "do something with my hair." This from people STRUGGLING to get their hair to grow and be healthy and IT PISSES ME OFF!!!

I know I need to try and ignore these comments and just keep on keepin on. But sometimes it makes me so upset and angry that just when I'm feelin so great about my hair and proud of all I've accomplished after years of work all I get from those closest to me is negativity and hopes that I'll move on to something else (as admittedly I've done a lot of in the past.) What woman doesn't want her husband to think her hair looks good? Hell, when I started all this I thought he'd love it if I grew my hair long (which I am) but now he's only happy when I get it straightened which I still do every so often. Even his MOTHER commented to me when I had my hair straightened that she thought it looked "so pretty" and I should "wear it like that all the time." I was QUICK to let her know that would NOT be happening anytime soon. Again I have NOTHING against straight hair but I'm SO tired of defending my hair decisions.

Just last night I was admiring good2uuuu's "BAA" album (lol) because I'm going to get my hair colored on Friday and I think hers is just what I'm going for. When I showed it to my husband to see if he liked the color all he had to say was "I like the color but NOT that style." We had kind of a "friendly discussion" about natural hair and the fact that my fro isn't going anywhere. But it was all I could do not to start yelling out of frustration! I purposely wore my fro as big as I could get it today out of sheer anger. *deep breath*

Right now I have no intention of caving to the pressure and keeping my hair straightened or getting a relaxer. But I'm just so weary of this stuggle to feel good about myself and my hair with all the naysayers waiting in the wings. Sorry for the long rant y'all but I just had to get this out and I knew I could come here for support.

 

[Poohbear]

I can relate to what you were saying about this forum being a blessing and a few months after I joined, I decided to go natural as well....something that never crosses my mind because I always thought "black women must relax their hair". Going natural has been one of the most exciting things in my life for me as well!

As a transitioner, I've gotten comments too. My dad told me once that going natural would mess up my hair and that I needed those chemicals! My friends tell me I need to do something with my hair and should get a relaxer. Sometimes my mom suggests me to get it straighten with heat.

After hearing all these comments, I think about how black women have had this idea of "our hair needs to be straight". You can have beautiful natural hair too!

Keep sportin' that natural hair! Don't let others get to ya'!

 

[nurseN98]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I think your hair is beautiful and I wish other people would accept our decisions to have natural hair. I say continue to do what you are doing and hope that everyone comes around or at least keep their negative comments to themselves. There's way worse things you could choosing to do now like getting your face tattooed or piercing your nose, eyes and lips. People need to get on board with your plans for YOUR hair. You know where to come for support.

 

[Nyambura]

Ennyaa ~

I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive, but hegemony of the Nordic aesthetic runs deep. Where I live, it's not just Blacks but Asians and Caucasians that will dog Type 4 natural hair. It's sad to see that little has changed from the time my mother was a young woman in the 1950s. She was on the next level, wearing her hair in an afro before the 1960s Black Is Beautiful movement, and she said that even as she was minding her own business in New York City (the place, supposedly, of all things culturally sophisticated) other Black people would point at her and laugh. Didn't affect her one bit. She hasn't straightened her hair in over 50 years. Her son, my brother, married a woman who sports natural, type 4 hair. She set an example w/o ever having to say a word.

Hang in there, Ennyaa! ITA w/Poohbear. Come here to vent and find some of the natural heads on this Board who live near you, who can be a source of support for you.

 

[cocopuff]

Hello Ladies,

This is something that's been discussed a lot in threads about natural hair but I felt the need to come in here and vent about it personally today. Let me start off by saying I'm NOT the type of person that goes around preaching that natural hair is the only way to go. Hell, I've been through SO many phases with my look I can't even remember. I did the Halle Berry short thang in the 90's (with everybody else.) I've had every kind of weave you can imagine, braids to my butt, cornrows. I even went natural for a bit but no one knew it since my hair was never out of braids. You name it, I tried it, but always I've wanted to grow my hair long. (Since I was little girl dancing around with a shirt on my head singing Donna Summer.)

This board was a blessing for me and as SOON as I started following the healthy hair tips here my length and health began to show. Eventually (about 2 years ago) my journey led me to decide that I wanted to go natural. Of all the things I've done to my hair this has been the thing that's made me the most excited. My hair is the longest and healthiest it's ever been. I sit and look for HOURS at the beautiful natural albums of the ladies here and it keeps me SO inspired and excited just thinking of what I have and can achieve.

I love my hair natural and I get SO many compliments (ironically mostly from white people) and stares when I dare to wear a big puff or get that bangin braidout juuuust right. Still workin on a full on fro with no headband (stupid floppy front!) Sometimes I just look at my natural hair in the mirror all big and curly and just can't stop smiling from ear to ear.

Unfortunately, I'm the ONLY ONE that's excited. My husband remains unenthused and often comments that I should get braids. My sister tells me I must be in a "teenage rebellion phase" (HELLO I'M 30!) and I "need a hotcomb". My cousin thinks that natural hair "looks a mess" and I should "do something with my hair." This from people STRUGGLING to get their hair to grow and be healthy and IT PISSES ME OFF!!!

I know I need to try and ignore these comments and just keep on keepin on. But sometimes it makes me so upset and angry that just when I'm feelin so great about my hair and proud of all I've accomplished after years of work all I get from those closest to me is negativity and hopes that I'll move on to something else (as admittedly I've done a lot of in the past.) What woman doesn't want her husband to think her hair looks good? Hell, when I started all this I thought he'd love it if I grew my hair long (which I am) but now he's only happy when I get it straightened which I still do every so often. Even his MOTHER commented to me when I had my hair straightened that she thought it looked "so pretty" and I should "wear it like that all the time." I was QUICK to let her know that would NOT be happening anytime soon. Again I have NOTHING against straight hair but I'm SO tired of defending my hair decisions.

Just last night I was admiring good2uuuu's "BAA" album (lol) because I'm going to get my hair colored on Friday and I think hers is just what I'm going for. When I showed it to my husband to see if he liked the color all he had to say was "I like the color but NOT that style." We had kind of a "friendly discussion" about natural hair and the fact that my fro isn't going anywhere. But it was all I could do not to start yelling out of frustration! I purposely wore my fro as big as I could get it today out of sheer anger. *deep breath*

Right now I have no intention of caving to the pressure and keeping my hair straightened or getting a relaxer. But I'm just so weary of this stuggle to feel good about myself and my hair with all the naysayers waiting in the wings. Sorry for the long rant y'all but I just had to get this out and I knew I could come here for support.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. It's hard to make a change like that and not have the support of the people you love and are supposed to love you the most. My family is more or less intrigued by my natural hair instead of being disgusted or ashamed by it. I know it must be hard right now, especially with your husband having a problem with it, but ,hopefully, if you just stand firm in youir decision, they will start to change their opinions. It may not be much, but at least you have support on this board!!

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I'm really sorry to hear what u are going thru. I am relaxed and will be relaxed til the day i die becuase it looks great on me. But at the same time i admire beautiful natural hair. Like the young lady that is in the feature of the month section, can't recall her name. But if i were to see someone with a huge combed fro' i'd be in awe. And come to think of it....i think alot of people, including myself, got tired of seeing the fro sported by kids who didn't take care of it. fros that were uncombed, uneven and dried out, this was the 'cool' look a year or so ago. I go so tired of seeing kids hair like that and tha'ts probably what turns people off because they don't believe that fros can be lustrious and shiny and have body. so anyways, hold your head up, don't solicit for peoples opinions when the only opinion that matters is yours. And wear your hair like the crown that it is.... and u betta hope you don't run into me because I'm one of those people who would wanna touch it.

 

[hopeful]

Oh Ennyaa,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this crapolla. You are a cutie pie and your hair is pretty. I love natural hair and so do a lot of other people. Please don't let those surrounding you cloud the truth. Dig deep girl and pray hard because this too shall pass. Stay focussed on your natural beauty and your hair's natural beauty. Your husband did not marry your hair, he married you. You deserve peace and happiness. You ain't hurtin' nobody and all you're tryin' to do is be you. Anybody can't get with that you send them over to one of the LHCF's gatherings and let some of those ladies set them straight. We got your back and we love you with natural hair, relaxed hair, pressed hair or whatever, so long as you are doing what makes you happy and you are taking good care of it. Keep your head up and tomorrow you rock the baddest puff or fro you can with pride.

 

[Porsche19]

That is so sad. I hate it, how can our own people not see the beauty in kinky hair?

I would ask them point blank "Do you realize how brainwashed you are? You are rejecting what grows out of your head, what grew out of you mother's and grandmother's heads because society says that common European textures are the standard of beauty!"

Do you realize that? That people can be so stupid as to let themselves feel bad about their god given traits?

Not to call your family stupid, but this idea tht they have is stupid.

It's a form of self hate. I can't believe that people feel that way.

 

[Divastate]

Wow Enyaa I don't know how I missed your transition to natural hair (I remember admiring your album a long time ago) but you have some beautiful thick hair- I can't see how anyone couldn't see how well it compliments you and your features. I'm so sorry that you have to endure the criticism from those who you love most- I wish I had some advice but I don't even know how I would reply it would be very difficult to say the least. I hope and pray that they wake up to realize that natural hair is pretty just the way God made it. Good luck and hope things improve soon.

 

[mkstar826]

Ignore them and keeping doing YOU! You have to live for yourself no matter what others say. If you like it then they have no choice but to get over it and accept it. I haven't been through this but I can imagine it's hard. I would hate for my boyfriend or family member to tell me there is something wrong with my natural hair.

Just don't let them pressure you to do something that you don't want to do

 

[ThursdayGirl]

I agree with the other ladies. You have BEAUTIFUL hair... it looks so light soft, fluffy and healthy! Although I think most of the hairstyles you have your albumn flatter you... I think the natural and the curly styles look the best (I love your long braids too!) Hang in there and keep doing you. Your hair looks fabulous!

 

[Ennyaa]

Ladies,

I have to tell you that even though I knew I'd find the support I needed here on this board I didn't realize just how badly I needed it until I came to read your replies. I'm sitting here with tears flowing down my cheeks at the love and support I feel from reading what you have to say. I really didn't expect to have a reaction this strong. I guess the things I've been feeling were affecting me a lot deeper than even I realized. I knew I wasn't alone but boy sometimes it sure feels like it.

I'm here typing through tears of happiness, relief and I guess a little pain.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. For the love, for the support, and for listening.

I need to get myself together and wipe my face before I go up to bed because he will then know that I've totally lost my mind.

Good night ladies and God bless you.

*HUGS* Ennyaa

 

[aquarian1252004]

I'm sorry to hear this, it really enrages me . I am so tired of the way we have been conditioned and white washed in the black community. Many of us believe and support these ideas of "good hair vs bad hair" & "light skin vs dark skin." You would think in 2005 with all the access we have to re-educate ourselves, we would take full advantage of renewing our minds. I have read several threads about members who were afraid the first time they went out into the world with their natural hair! WHY ARE WE TAUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF OUR TRUE SELVES? Why should we have to chemically alter our hair just to "fit in" with the majority? We need to rid ourselves of this ridiculous mentality that "white is right." Do you know how many white people I have talked to that have said they wish that they could have black hair because of its versatility? I mean they tan, they get lip injections, butt implants, breast implants, rock cornrows and braids in an attempt to look like us. Yet we are SO BUSY trying to look like them. It is 2005 and we still have not freed ourselves from the mental and emotional bondage of slavery. MY PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP!


P.S. sorry ennyaa I had to vent too . . . we discussed this very notion in my Afircan American Politics class today. It doesn't suprise me that most of your compliments are from white people, you should tell your negative family members about this.

 

[good2uuuu]

Girl your hair is fantastic and HEALTHY! HELLO! Hang in there. My parents were less than enthused when I went natural, but they are over it, though my mom still can't understand how sometimes my hair looks great, and other, she comments that she really likes it in that other style, whatever that is. My hair does what it wants, and I ususally let it. Anyway, Your hair is beautiful and thriving. I'm sorry that your family is still locked into that 'Euro-centic is better' mentality. I'm not bashing anyone who relaxes, it's their choice, but that does not mean it's a better choice than being natural. Thankfully we have this site so that we can all have healty, thriving hair regardless of how we choose to wear it. Just wait till you hair is bra strap and beyond. Whatever will they say then???? Some folks will even hate on you. Just keep doing you girl!

(Imagine my surprise at seeing my name in your op. Glad I could inspire)

 

[Ayeshia]

Sorry that you had some negative encounters like that. Funny how our own kind can give us so much flack isn't it? I get most of my compliments form white people as well. You keep doing you and keep doing your thang. Natural hair kicks a$$

 

[jainygirl]

Keep doing you . Dont worry about all the negativity, it's their own insecurity whether they want to admit it or not. Most black guys get upset over natural hair most of the time because they count on us 'to keep the secret' that our hair isnt REALLY how white people think it is. Other black women that care that much about your hair most of the time are upset for the same reason. I mean really... why else would people be so upset about YOUR hair unless they felt it somehow affected them negatively in some way, shape or form.

I dont care how other people wear their hair because it's their hair and as long as it looks nice and taken care of it's all gravy. At the same time i really appreciate seeing a head full of beautiful natural hair i wont even lie. Also you have to remember that alot of people who say they love beautiful natural hair are talking about beautiful curly natural hair whether they admit it or not. They are not talking about beautiful natural hair with all it's kinks and coiliness. What can I say... many of our people have a long way to go. I mean how can you hate or be ashamed of what you have growing out of your head so much that you cant even bear seeing it on ANOTHER persons head???

Just keep on appreciating and loving all that hair girl, because it is so pretty !! I cant wait to get a puff like that . Take care of yourself and all that pretty hair -- jainygirl

 

[Nice]

Jainy..you speak the truth!!!!!!!!! I have so much respect for all you natural ladies. Everytime I see a natural sister, I can't help but stare at the beauty of it!!! One day..I keep telling myself

 

[PretteePlease]

vent sister vent, then breathe stretch shake and let it go

--but i would be sad if my hubby didnt like my hair

 

[Cinnabuns]

Ghee Wiz, Ennya I'm sorry to hear that about your family's perception of your natural hair, but at least you know that you can come here and vent and get it off your chest. I'm blessed and fortunate to have found this board also and it's nice to know that the ladies here are so supportative.

I know exactly how you feel, I work with all African-American's and they don't like me to even where braids to work. Their remarks are so ignorant. I haven't told them that I might be going natural, I'm sure that they would hit the roof. ! But I'm learning to ignore them because I know that what I'm doing is right for me and my hair.

 

[honeycomb719]

I feel ya pain girl. I get comments ALL the time about why I'm going natural. Some folks just cant grasp the concept. They give me the "for what look'. Its sad, but I'm doing what is best for me and my hair.

 

[brownsugarbabe]

I'm sorry to hear you're not getting the support you desire. When I was natural, I'm relaxed now, the only negative comments I got were from older people; my grandmother, her sisters, etc.

I would say whenever you're feeling down, come here and check out the albums that keep you inspired. I wish I had found this site before I went back to a relaxer...I'd probably still be natural...

Good luck and don't let other people get you down.

BSB

 

[ChocoKitty]

Ennyaa! Just wanted to chime in and say stay encouraged. I understand what you are going through but they'll come around. When I first started going natural (just over 10 years ago) I hear comments. But now I get "Why are you letting your hair grow so long if you're not going to let anybody see it?" I'm learning after 27 years there is absolutely no pleasing others. You should only be worried about what pleases you. If it makes somebody happy or sad while your doing it--Oh Well... As long as it ain't physically hurting your loved ones or killing puppies & kittens--it'll be alright.

 

[alibi]

I mean really... why else would people be so upset about YOUR hair unless they felt it somehow affected them negatively in some way, shape or form.

Also you have to remember that alot of people who say they love beautiful natural hair are talking about beautiful curly natural hair whether they admit it or not. They are not talking about beautiful natural hair with all it's kinks and coiliness. What can I say... many of our people have a long way to go. I mean how can you hate or be ashamed of what you have growing out of your head so much that you cant even bear seeing it on ANOTHER persons head???

PREACH JAINY!!! :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy This is so true!!! The whole issue actually brings tears to my eyes, b/c it's saying that God created a people that have to be the ashamed of who and what they are, and it's just not true. If someone wants to relax their hair, I'm all for it, b/c it's just that - a choice. Nothing more, nothing less. But to suggest that one's hair is not SUITABLE to be worn in its natural state is ridiculous!!!

Ennyaa, the book "Curly Girl" talks about society's non-acceptance of curly/kinky/textured hair, and how women from all different ethnicities (including black) dealt with those societal hair issues growing up. It's a good book, and I found it very helpful during my transition, b/c they have a "Confession" section where various women tell how they got over non-acceptance of their hair from family, friends, etc. I found it very comforting to know that other women out there have dealt the issue of fighting the hair that's coming out of their scalp. But what's really sad is that our own people take it a step further, and instead of an intolerance for curly hair, we take it a step further and it becomes an intolerance for kinky hair, while curly hair is considered "good" or "accepatble". This is SO SAD, on so many levels, b/c it signifies a societal problem that is deeply rooted and so much bigger than all of us. Ennyaa, your hair is gorgeous, and so are you. Part of learning to accept yourself is also accepting the fact that many of our own people have there own personal hangups that your natural hair will bring out of them! And in the end, you have to remember that it's a problem that you can't fix for them. But I'd like to think that for every one of us out there that has the courage to sport her natural hair, we're encouraging another black woman who didn't think she had the guts to do it. So hold your head up high and rock the 'fro baby, cuz it's not only the negative folks that are watching.

 

[sharee]

This post is so sad and I can relate to it very much. I am 7 months into transitioning and I hear some of the same comments. Keep your head up! Do what is best for you and your hair. Jainygirl's post was on point! HHG

 

[caligirl]

You know what, I bet that very soon natural hair will be "it". I can already see it now with more people transitioning and more naturals on the street. Before you now it white women will be running out to get a perm that will make their hair look like ours. Then, our hair will be "acceptable." Until then, enjoy your unique hair and don't be afraid to stand out. It's your hair on your head and you are the one who has to deal with it everyday, not them.

 

[Country gal]

I haven't read past the first post but I can completely relate. I feel good about wearing my natural hair after years of wearing it relaxed, weaved up and braided up. My family has not been so receptive to my hair choices. They think I should just perm it. I am wearing two strand twists this week and got so much praise for my new doo. It felt so good becasue I was afraid that I would just hear negative comments. Being natural is a process not just for the hair but for the mind too. Our hair is our crowning glory. It hurts sometimes for me to not acknowledge or respect your hair choices.

 

[locabouthair]

Hi everyone I am new here. I understand what your going through. I started pressing my hair because of damage due to the perm and I still got negative comments. But relaxed hair just wasn't for me and up to this day everyone tells me to get a perm even a hairdresser told me to get one! And soon I will start wearing my hair natural and I know I will hear more negative comments but I have to do what's best for me because if I listened to what people said about my hair I'd probably be bald!

 

[mytia]

I can definitely relate no one with the exception of my mother and two friends that are also transitioning has excepted the fact that I'm going natural. My husband tells me several times a week that I need a relaxer and when I asked him if he'd pay this time for my braids he said only if I get a relaxer. None of my family (cousins, grandmother, etc.) can understand why I no longer want to relax sometimes I feel that people can be so brain washed when it comes to change. Outside of my husbands comments it hasn't really bothered me but he lives with me and he drives me crazy at times. I'm usually the one who steps out of the box and tries something new so ohwell. I just tell people that it's my choice, my hair and when I'm looking good, all natural and sexy I don't want to hear a word!!!!!!!!

 

[NapturalGlory]

I am so sorry to read that those closest to you have not been able to accept your natural hair! They really have NO business trying to tell you to use chemicals if you choose not to. That is WAY outta line to be saying to you! They should be patient and realize that you are learning about your natural hair and need their support as you experiment with new styles and routines. It's a learning process and a journey. Your hair is beautiful! Just understand that even though YOU are on the natural side most of the rest of the world is NOT and so there is a lot of mean-hearted wicked stuff going on. People will say, do, and think things that are negative regarding natural hair because of the climate of white supremacy that we are living under. It's up to you to be strong enough to overcome and feel confident against the lies that are all around us. Keep ya head up girl!

Edited to Add: It's not YOU it's THEM in this case. In other words give yourself the freedom and permission to feel the pain that society inflicts upon you and understand that God is greater than they. It's part of the package of being a woman of AFRO descent. We are living in a very sick world and we are opressed in it. Just know that something is very wrong with MANY of the people in the world in order to uphold this oppressive way of life. People are wicked in ways you can't even imagine. People can become so overwhelmed by evil that they spew it out onto others in one way or another to bring about pain and feel powerful. So let go and let God! He is awesome and it is He who will reward us according to our true natures individually.

Blessings

 

[Lucia]

You keep your head up, I think we now have a choice we don't have to relax if we don't want to we don't have to be natural, we shouldn't have to conform to anything others want us to do (as long as were legal) hello it's 2005 and all hair styles and types should be accepted, I think your natural is slammin.
I like having my hair natural because my hair broke off to nothing when I had a relaxer no matter how much care I took with it and I like the versatilty of curls, braid outs, braids, blow dryed or flat ironed stick straight. I personally never put down a relaxed head because they have that right too.