My friend was seduced by one of her friends...

vevster

vevster

Well-Known Member
Did she have the right to expect more?

A friend of mine made out(heavy petting, no sex) with a friend of hers it had been building up for a while. Then dude just kept it moving as if nothing changed.

I agree with her that it could have ended differently, but was not guarranteed. Thoughts?

I have spoken with guys that say they 'Don't go there' with female friends because of these type of complications.

I don't think she 100% should have expected more, anything can happen right?

BTW she is in her 30s and dude is like almost 40 so they were no spring chickens...
 
She shouldn't have expected more. Unless they spoke about it beforehand, it sounds like a heat of the moment/lets see where this goes kind of deal.
 
Expected more from what? They felt each other up, end of story. They're adults so if either of them wanted more they should have said so.
 
It was just sex. Not a progression of their relationship.

Sent from my VM670 using VM670

ETA: My mistake, it was heavy petting, which is even less than sex.
 
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I can understand that she may have felt that if he were a friend, he wouldn't have seduced her for something purely physical. I think that as a friend she has a right to be respected by him and has a right to his honesty. Does she feel used?

At the same time, maybe he thought she was up for exactly that--just something physical. I think it's very very tricky for women to engage in sexual activities and then have underlying expectations that come up afterward. Just having sex (unfortunately) is not going to create a sense of obligation on a man's part.

Sounds like her trust of him in the friendship lowered her guard.
 
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So basically, she should not have done anything with him? Or should she discussed expectations before?
 
Expectations should have been discussed...I have been guilty of thinking that a friend would treat me differently bc I was the friend...But NOPE they don't. That is why it is important to talk about it first.
 
vevster said:
So basically, she should not have done anything with him? Or should she discussed expectations before?
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She should have treated him like any other man she encounters and acted accordingly. Them being friends doesn't change the situation one way or the other outside of the fact that it may have caused her to think there was something more there on his part.
 
nicola.kirwan said:
I can understand that she may have felt that if he were a friend, he wouldn't have seduced her for something purely physical. I think that as a friend she has a right to be respected by him and has a right to his honesty. Does she feel used?

At the same time, maybe he thought she was up for exactly that--just something physical. I think it's very very tricky for women to engage in sexual activities and then have underlying expectations that come up afterward. Just having sex (unfortunately) is not going to create a sense of obligation on a man's part.

Sounds like her trust of him in the friendship lowered her guard.
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Exactly, so as far as she is concerned the friendship is over. She wants nothing to do with him. I agree with her, he took advantage.... I think she should tell him exactly were she stands, because apparently he is hinting he wants more 'sessions'. To clarify, it was heavy petting, not intercourse nicola.kirwan
 
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vevster said:
So basically, she should not have done anything with him? Or should she discussed expectations before?
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You said it had been building up for a while. So taking that into consideration, she knew that something could happen. If she wanted to be serious and didn't want to be virtually ignored she should have discussed it. Not saying anything at all opens the door, and easily sets her up for the okie doke and other games men play.

ETA:

Your friend wasn't seduced. She knew exactly what time it was. She was just hoping for a different outcome. Making out is a two way street. This doesn't sound like someone who was taken advantage of, but just disappointed that things didn't turn out as she hoped. How she handles it from here is on her.
 
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That's cold what he did. Like another poster mentioned, she trusted that he would know better than to chew her up like a piece of meat and lay her to the side.

The (expected) benefit of intimacy with friends is that they will treat you with more respect/honor since they are already in your circle and presumably know your emotional vulnerabilities - and will not take advantage of them.
 
Sorry your friend got burned, but platonic friendships are usually very complicated unless one of the parties is gay. There is always that sexual tension simmering under the surface and someone usually gets hurt.
 
It was a moment and nothing more....she should carry on like nothing happened just like he is doing.

Has it been a long time since she had sex or something?
 
Windsy said:
It was a moment and nothing more....she should carry on like nothing happened just like he is doing.

Has it been a long time since she had sex or something?
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I have no idea... I know she dates..hasn't found THE ONE obviously.

Sent from my HTC EVO.....
 
vevster said:
Exactly, so as far as she is concerned the friendship is over. She wants nothing to do with him. I agree with her, he took advantage.... I think she should tell him exactly were she stands, because apparently he is hinting he wants more 'sessions'. To clarify, it was heavy petting, not intercourse nicola.kirwan
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vevster - but why? he did what she allowed him to do as they were both willing participants in the "petting". She's goin about it all wrong and it really ain't that serious. She needs to stop thinkin with her v'gina and treat it for what it is. he owes her nuffin like she owes him nuffin.

right now, she can't tell him exactly where she stands cuz she has no grounds. just because they damn near phucked doesn't mean he owes her anything and vice versa.

givin up da puddi is not a way to get a man.
 
She needs to talk to him about it.

I'm sorry, I think there is a line that shouldnt be crossed if you are "just friends." Flirting, then making out and then just acting like nothing happened is really cold in my opinion. At the very least acknowlege something transpired between the two of you and take it from there, you know talk about staying friends or becoming more, but to ignore the whole thing?

I would be real salty. But I definitely would not just let my friend ignore what happened and not have a discussion about it. I just think its wrong to do that to someone you supposedly care about. If you don't care about them, then you aren't friends!

I admit have kissed/ made out with friends in the past for god knows what reason, and we talk about it, and I am able to keep them in the friends lane. ( this is not my usual MO, its just something that has happened) Ignoring it is wrong.
 
hmm... that's why i've kept a lot of my male friends at a distance as far as stuff like that was concerned. there are some people I would NEVER take a ride home from late at night or anything like that. guys can be so one-track minded at times.

a couple of months ago i slipped up and spent the night at a friends house cuz I didn't feel like paying the money for a cab. i had totally misjudged his character/intentions which is rare for me. Anyway, at least your friend got seduced. i was dozing off and next thing i know he's slobbing on my neck, munching on my ear, reaching under my shirt :nono:

I had to push him off cuz I was NOT attracted to him in the slightest. He's never mentioned it. I never brought it up with him, I saw him a couple of wks ago and we both acted like nothing happened. I wasn't disappointed cuz I didn't want anything to happen. I talked to a mutual friend and apparently that's par for the course for him though....
 
Theo

Thats so disturbing to me. That's not a friend.

I could not be friends with someone who tried to take advantage while i was sleeping. No way. It'd be done done done, we cant hang out ever again.
 
I think that she probably felt that it was the beginning of something more and unfortunately it wasn't.

I can't blame her for her feelings. At least she knows where he stands regarding the situation.

If I made out with a male friend I would assume that he had feelings for me and after those actions I would assume it was a fling. Can't blame the girl
 
UrbainChic said:
@Theo

Thats so disturbing to me. That's not a friend.

I could not be friends with someone who tried to take advantage while i was sleeping. No way. It'd be done done done, we cant hang out ever again.
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While what happened to Theo was distasteful I definitely have fairly low expectations of male friends in this area. Like someone else said, unless dude is gay there's bound to be some level of sexual tension. Most men won't even befriend a woman they have no attraction to unless there's something else in it for them - ex. she cooks all the time and doesn't mind if he stops by to eat.

There's no such thing as a close male friend who wouldn't bone you if given the chance IMO (even the term "close male friend" is suspect). There are a few exceptions to this but they are definitely few.. like 2 men over the course of your lifetime.
 
Raspberry

The reason its disturbing to me, is not that a guy would make a pass, but that he would do it while SHE WAS SLEEPING.

I am not trying to be extreme but that is a rapist mindset. " i will just take what I want when she can't say no"

I could not spend time with someone who had such blatant disregard for my person.

You can try to convince me to love you or sleep with you, but thats just trying to convince me--- touching me and taking advantage when i am not able to say no or sleeping is inexcusable.

and ps. i am not in the camp of women who call sleeping with or making out with someone and regretting it being taken advantage of.


ETA: my guy friends may flirt with me, or make a move, but never when i am sleeping or incapacitated. That is when they are fiercely protective of me. You can't tell me differently, I've been in those situations, and they do not take advantage. Not every man has zero regard for a woman's desires.
 
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UrbainChic said:
@Raspberry

The reason its disturbing to me, is not that a guy would make a pass, but that he would do it while SHE WAS SLEEPING.

I am not trying to be extreme but that is a rapist mindset. " i will just take what I want when she can't say no"

I could not spend time with someone who had such blatant disregard for my person.

You can try to convince me to love you or sleep with you, but thats just trying to convince me--- touching me and taking advantage when i am not able to say no or sleeping is inexcusable.

and ps. i am not in the camp of women who call sleeping with or making out with someone and regretting it being taken advantage of.


ETA: my guy friends may flirt with me, or make a move, but never when i am sleeping or incapacitated. That is when they are fiercely protective of me. You can't tell me differently, I've been in those situations, and they do not take advantage. Not every man has zero regard for a woman's desires.
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You know what, I definitely agree with you that men who try to push up on you while you're sleeping are slimy. For whatever reason too many men (especially younger men) try to pull this mess. And yea, using the term rapist mindset isn't extreme, though I feel like some of these men have some kind of mental disconnect when it comes to women and sexual boundaries.
 
I guess at this point, I'm just helping her move on from the experience. Some of the responses on the thread just sound so cold. She isn't that calculating thinking that if she got physical w him that it would guarantee a relationship or something... She just didn't think it would be like some experience with a stranger.

I guess I'm a little tired of discussing this w/ others and w/ her.

She just needs to be very careful around menfolk.
 
I wonder how he's able to act as though it didn't happen while hinting that he wants more.

I imagine that she's hurt that he would put her in that category. It's like she's not even a possible for him when it comes to relationships. But she's got enough to get down with.

Who wants to be used like that? I don't blame her for being hurt. But she should just take note an keep it moving.
 
Sounds like she liked that small taste she got. Its up to her to speak up for what she really wants after the fact. I don't make out with my friends so take my advice with a grain of salt.
 
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