Mom just called my shake-n-go unattractive and unprofessional

[EbonyEyes]

My mother just hurt my feelings really bad a couple of hours ago.

I was wearing my hair straight for about 9 months and I got tired of the look. I went back to my twists for a couple months. Then, I decided to revisit the shake-n-go. I put some curl activator on my hair, shape it up and then head out. I've been wearing it to work for a few days and thought that my hair looked very nice. By the way, I work at a majority white accounting firm. I'm the only black person in my division.

Well my mom comes into my room at 10:00 at night and says "Are you trying to challenge the people at your job or something? Are you trying to make some type of statement? Because the style you are wearing is not attractive at all. Your dad hasn't said anything but I know he feels the same way. If you must wear your hair natural, then twist it up or tame it into a neat afro. But what you are wearing is very unprofessional and you aren't making a good impression at your job."

I told my sister what happened and she told me that our mom has always preferred straight hair. She was ranting and raving when my hair was long, flowing, and straight. She learned to accept my twists but a shake-n-go is too much for her.

I feel horrible. For the past few days, I've been looking in the mirror thinking that I looked beautiful rocking my God-given natural hair.

I'm so hurt that I'm crying because maybe I was wrong about my appearance. Maybe I do look a mess.

Maybe I should just wear more tamed natural styles or wear my hair straight again so that I don't have to worry about my co-workers possibly thinking that my hair is un-kempt.

Sorry for the rave....I just thought many of you would understand.

 

[Mom23]

I'm sorry. Your hair is very beautiful. ((((((hugs)))))))
Just talk to her and let her know how you feel.

 

[baby42]

i hope you feel better

 

[neonbright]

Take it from a step mother of a 17 year old. Shake and go girl, shake and go. When I was younger my mom would do the same thing, now that I am older with a 6 year old, I still have my own style and my mom gets shock but she loves it anyway.. Plus all that counts is me, my hubby and my girls...

 

[Bint Yusef]

Girl that's just old school talking! Dont pay it no mind.
Black folks don't have to hide or tame their hair because there is nothing inherently or innately wrong with unprocesed african black hair.

I know its your mother and her opinion weights heavily, but look at what filter she views her world in and compare it yours.

Good Luck!

 

[Christa438]

My mom wanted my hair straight too, but I still only texlax. I have a sensitive scalp and it starts to burn within 10-15 minutes anyhow. I could not scratch or comb my hair for three days and it will still start to burn. Tried different perms--still burned, tried different strengths--still started burning so texlaxing is so comfortable to me. Other People I know seem to prefer straight hair too over natural styles. I did my best to imagine your hair in a shake-n-go, and I can't imagine that it looked crazy. Some people, especially loved ones, don't know how to react to or accept change/diversity. I have seen many shake-n-go or wash-n-go heads and no matter whether they were type 3 or 4, the natural heads were all beautiful--full of curls/spirals. I especially think shake/wash-n-go styles look good on naturals like you with long hair. At the same time, I am not natural but short & texlaxed and I can't do a shake n go, because my hair is curly when wet but when it dries it doesn't look good if it's not rollerset, styled or straight down--and most of all moisturized well.

 

[vivadiva85]

please don't cry. i took a peak at your fotki and your hair is beautiful

((hugs))

I think it is an old school thing, because when I was natural and wore my shake n go, but grandmother would ask me if I was going to pick my hair

 

[Ms_Twana]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I just hate that there are still so many people feel that African American hair in it's natural state is unkept, untamed, and unprofessional. My husband feels the same way as your mom. You just have to take it one day at a time until she learns to accept you AND your hair. But in order for her to do that, you can't be timid about it. If you want others to accept it, you have to accept it and stop second guessing yourself. If you TRUELY don't like it (without regards to what your mom said) then go back to straight. Just be true to YOURSELF and no one else. erplexed HTH!!! Here's a kiss for you

 

[LuvLiLocks]

I am so sorry to hear that, your hair is really beautiful.

 

[Nonie]

(((EbonyEyes))), I'm sorry you were made to feel bad about sth you were so proud of. Welcome to the club. My hubby is from a world where everyone wore relaxed hair or was born with straight hair. So meeting me who is so proud of my hair relaxed or natural was a new thing for him. He also happens to love long hair, so braid extensions were OK to him. Short dos are not and will never be. But you know what, I am so secure in myself when it comes to my hair that nothing anyone can tell me about my hair can upset me if *I* believe I look hot.

A good example is back in 2004 when I was happy to wear a "wash n go" on twists. Well, I washed, conditioned, and ACV rinsed and shook the dripping wet hair and wore it all day at home. Hubby didn't think it looked cute, but it was my first "glimpse" of what it'd be like wearing dreds...so I was having a blast and while he was entitled to his opinion, I felt comfy wearing that all day. And he couldn't tell me nuffin. Now because the twists were not freshly done and because they didn't all fall to the same level, *I* didn't feel comfy going to work with them like that. So I decided to put rollers on them after dipping them into an ACV/essential oils solution. I went to sleep later letting them dry fully in rollers. If in the morning they hadn't look right, I was going to don a hat or scarf. To my surprise however, *I* loved how they turned out. I didn't ask hubby what he thought coz I didn't care what anyone thought. I thought I looked HAWT and that's all that mattered! And a few folks at work complimented me on my do (I was the only black)...and some black girls in the office bldg actually wanted details on how I created the do.

A few days later, hubby did mention he didn't care for the do and that he preferred cornrows going back with a puff. I like that too and would wear that when I felt like it. But the curled twists are by far my favorite creation and because I wore them with pride and confidence, I won a lot of people over w/ them.

Hubby is slowly accepting my "whacky" dos, and you'll know he is because the day I left the house with a do that didn't really feel right even to me (a backfired twist-out), he actually told me he didn't mind the do at all and was OK being seen in public with me looking like a "mad woman". [He didn't call me that; that's what I thought I looked like. I mean, who leaves the house with hair like that? ]

So just keep wearing you hair how *YOU* wanna wear it. Maybe tame it a little by wearing a pulled back wash and go when going to see your mom so as to wean her slowly. Then next time allow some of the hair to hang as sideswept bangs when wearing a wash and go. In time, the look will grow on her.

Maybe leaving some magazines of wash n' go dos worn by famous folks casually may open her eyes and bring her up to date. Coz really that way of thinking is just old school. Heck, I'm still a bit old school myself because finger coils/twirls which are so popular don't look good to me at all. Hated the do when it was done on me, not to mention it came with a huge BC I didn't ask for. But maybe they'll grow on my one day.

So hun, chin up. Don't doubt yourself. Criticism isn't necessarily the truth. It's just another person's opinion. It's up to you to judge for yourself whether it's true to you or not. If your hair did look unkempt, you would've been told sth at work. Heck, I have shared many times about wearing this do and being dressed to the nines. I was an admin assistant and wore it with confidence. And no one thought anything of the do, or if they did, they learned to accept it coz it was never brought up in any of the discussions about dress code.

 

[XXXtacy]

((((((Ebony Eyes))))))

Moms sometimes mean well but they can give us their baggage. Charge it to her head not heart. You are a beautiful woman and if you like the wash & go that is all that matters. It's what your spirit is calling for at this moment. Be true to yourself first and the rest will follow.

 

[Keedah]

Guurrl...I wish I had your hair! Just remember that until natural hair becomes the "norm" there will always be people that think its unattractive. Everyday you wear your natural hair your confidence is proving them people wrong and showing the world that nautral hair can be beautiful too.

 

[hopeful]

((((((Ebony Eyes))))))

Moms sometimes mean well but they can give us their baggage. Charge it to her head not heart. You are a beautiful woman and if you like the wash & go that is all that matters. It's what your spirit is calling for at this moment. Be true to yourself first and the rest will follow.

Couldn't have said it better!

 

[golden bronze]

I am sending you a hug and lending you a corny song that I love by Fred Rogers "It's you I like, it's not the things you wear, It's not the way you wear your hair, it's you I like. I hope that you remember even when you're feeling blue, that it's you I like, it's you yourself, it's you."

I love that song and the meaning.

Sometimes I feel like *I* am never enough. I spent years being and looking a certian way for a boyfriend for family and work. And yes, sometimes compromise is needed. I often wonder if I am compromising myself out of myself.

I have had similar expereinces and they made me feel insecure about myself. I like my hair in its more natural state. I like braid outs, wash and go's and twists and braids. I don't wear them to work because I feel inhibited by what others have said over the years, and this year I am going to wear my hair the way I like.

I have a family where some of my relatives work in very conservative professions. At times they've said that I will never move up as long as I had braids in my hair. When I was wearing a braid out this summer I'd braid my texlax hair into four long braids and then take them out and let the natural waves flow. I loved it. My aunt didn't. It was almost like she felt as if I looked like a pickaninny or something. It really hurt me. I felt as if who I am, naturally, was somehow not enough.

I realize that my aunt is probably trying to protect me from a world that does not acknowledge Black beauty, but rather than protecting me, she wounded my spirit.

My litmus is now how does God see me? How does He judge me? Man looks at the outside person, but God looks at the secret person of the heart.

I know that God would want me to be confident with what he gave me. My skin, hair and lips are only outer vessels, but when I use them to uplift Him, they are beautiful regardless of a hair being perfectly placed.

I am not there yet, but everyday I am getting closer to the woman he would have me be. And you know what? There are people who love the way my hair looked, and I realize that I shouldn't give all those other comments so much room in my mind.

(((((hug))))))

 

[EbonyHairedPrincess]

Jeez, I am so sorry. Nothing God gave us can be ugly. You know "old school folk" likes the hair fried, dyed and laid to the side. RIIIIIGHT!

There is a old saying "take the meat and throw away the bone". If there was anything beneficial in the conversation use it. Anything else that is hurtful or insensitive, forgive her for it and release it.

Old school equates the afro with uprisings and being bad. So I say shake your fro and remember "Good girls never make history".

 

[ToyToy]

(((hugs)))!!
I'm sorry your mother upset you! Mothers always have (unsolicited) opinions, so don't let her get to you. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with yourself. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder, so what she may regard as "ugly", fifty other people may regard as cute. So everytime she is negative towards your hair, just imagine 50 people *loving* your hair !!

 

[deontaer]

I know your hurt, but dry those tears. She's your mom, yes, but this is the reason I rarely take others opinions into consideration - unless it regards my health. If YOU like your hair, that's all that matters. Your mom can't live your life for you. I don't think parents understand that. It wasn't your hair that got you your job, I'm pretty damn sure it won't cost you your job either. Don't let her comments become defeat, let it empower you to show her that you can be even more beautiful with your natural hair - and keep it moving. No time to second guess your choice to do what you think is best for you.

 

[Divalicious]

Nothing God gave us can be ugly.

I couldn't agree more! I think this is a generational thing and what was done back then was done in order to fit into the neat little packages of what 'white society' wanted.

This is the 21st century and some people want to break free from the 'box' and explore their options. I say you should wear your hair they way *you* want to and take what your mom said with a grain of salt.

ETA: When I wrote 'box', I meant the proverbial box and not relaxer, lol.

 

[nelli711]

Ebony, I'm so sorry Don't cry. It is hard for some people to accept natural hair. As long as you like it, who cares what other people think. Your hair is beautiful!

 

[BlkOnyx488]

Hey hon
I know how you feel I had a simular encounter with my mother. Last summer I was sporting a little fro, and my mother looked at my husband and said, "Hey Mike where's your wife?. Where did you get that thing?" then she looked at my hair and laughed.

It sounds like your mom and my mom are from the same generation when black women were told to straighten their hair.

I know mothers are the only ones who can break us down, but the truth is if she had not said that you would still be confident about your do. The truth is you DO look good! That is just her opinion lots of sistas are not comfortable with their natural hair. That's their challenge not yours

blessings to you
and give mama a hug for being honest about her feelings even if hurt.
At least she came to you. Remember when our mamas cut us up it DOES come from a place of love. tough love
Later
Onyx

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

First off, if your hair is unprofessionial I am sure that your supervisor would say something to you about it. Just make sure that you are wearing cute accessories and that YOU feel good about your hair. I have seen people with straight hair that looks a hot mess. So its not about straight or wash-n-go's its about how you carry yourself.

Now, I totally understand how you feel about your mother's words hurting you. My mother, just last night, tried to pull the same thing on me again. But honestly I am simply tired of others telling me what is acceptable for me. The conversation went like this:
"You should get your hair done"
"My hair is done" (now I have it twisted in the front braided in the back and a 1/2 wig to cover the braids)
"Well I mean you look so much better with straight hair"
"That's your opinion and honestly I am not going to sit here and waste money that I don't have (getting married next month) because you think my hair looks better straight"
"Well I am just saying, it looks a mess and your father thinks so too"
My father is sitting right there and says "hold up I didn't say nothing about her hair, when it looks like that (points to my hair) its fine"

I just believe that my parents believe that straight relaxed hair is more professioinal and nicer and that is their opinion. Can't blame people for having one but its my head and my hair has grown more in the past 2 months then it did when I was going to the hair dresser every week for the past 6 months! That has to speak for something.

I know its hard and frustrating but you have to continue to do what is best for you and your head.

 

[Poohbear]

Don't cry, EbonyEyes. Ignore your mother's rude comments. My mom thinks I look "thrown away" with my shake-n-go, but I like it and that's all that matters. I don't want to do the so-called 'neat' natural styles like twists all the time... I want to be able to wear an easy and free style sometimes. I haven't straightened my natural hair with heat yet, but from time to time, my mom suggests that I should press it. I just don't want to go through all that trouble, especially after having heat damage almost two years ago which led me to a 2nd BC.
My dad used to say awful things about my natural hair around the time I BC'ed. He said that my hair looked awful, I would never get a job and that I need chemicals to look white (he actually said that).
I did not let those comments get to me. I was already confident and in love with my natural hair in it's natural state, so I wasn't about to let someone steal my joy. Plus, this is the way God made me and He created my hair to grow this way.
So if you want to wear a shake-n-go, don't let anyone make you feel bad about wearing it that way.

I have had similar expereinces and they made me feel insecure about myself. I like my hair in its more natural state. I like braid outs, wash and go's and twists and braids. I don't wear them to work because I feel inhibited by what others have said over the years, and this year I am going to wear my hair the way I like.

I have a family where some of my relatives work in very conservative professions. At times they've said that I will never move up as long as I had braids in my hair. When I was wearing a braid out this summer I'd braid my texlax hair into four long braids and then take them out and let the natural waves flow. I loved it. My aunt didn't. It was almost like she felt as if I looked like a pickaninny or something. It really hurt me. I felt as if who I am, naturally, was somehow not enough.

Texlax is not Natural.

 

[Dijah]

Did your co workers respond negatively? More importantly did your boss respond negatively?

Mothers are great at making us feel terrible.

If you like it and your boss is okay then your hair is fine.
If your boss says something you might consider a different style because you don't want to lose a paycheck.

 

[MzLady78]

Aww, I'm sorry you're hurt. But I agree with what most of the ladies have already said. That's just how moms do. I always catch my mother looking at me out the corner of my eye when I have on a particular outfit, she makes comments about my weight. It used to upset me, but as I've gotten older I've learned to ignore it.

 

[LizLeila]

I am sorry you are hurting. Maybe she did not realize how insensitive she was being, or maybe she knew her words would change how you felt about wearing your hair that way. In any case, just because it is not her style or preference doesnt mean that it does not work for you or flatters you. I agree withthe folks who said it may be an old school thing. There are times that I like to get braids either for a different look or to do crown and glory and there are some members of my family who just cant stand it and make comments about it. Usually I am just able to brush it off and keep it moving. And everytime I take my braids out and they see how much my hair has grown, then they are asking me for tips. Do what your heart desires. You cannot be trapped in your mother's mindset and a slave to her preferences forever. Trust your own instincts and your beauty will show. Like someone else said, I am sure your job appreciates your qualificaitions far beyond your hairstyle.

 

[envybeauty]

I will step out on a limb here.....

are you relaxed but just wearing your hair wash and go? are you natural with no chemicals in your hair?

i had a similar conversation with a friend who was recently promoted to become partner in a major law firm. being asked to become a partner is a big deal for any lawyer and it is a HUGE deal when it is a black woman that is asked to become a partner. i say this to give you an idea of her professional life and environment as it is similar to yours (accounting). now, this woman wears braids year round. has been doing so for over 10 years (since she was in law school and before her first job). she says her hair doesn't do well with relaxers (her mother is a hair dresser so she tried them all).

she has her theories about natural hair in the work place. first, your hair should be neat. natural or not. basically it should look like it was groomed. then, it should be conventional somehow. with braids...wild colors are out. no blues, oranges, purple hair pieces. it should also be conventional in that changes too often is not good. no silky dreads one month, flat twists the next, and then box braids to your behind the next. if you change your style too often, they will think you are going throug some sort of identity crisis. she is an advocate of natural hair styles in white settings because she says they know you don't fit in anyway...relaxed or not. White people know Black hair is different even if it is relaxed. it is different. ...all her theories. now, she has spoken with different sistas about wearing braids, fros, etc, in law firms and counseled them against any pressure to having to wear straight hair at her firm. (case in point, one sista sought her out to ask about wearing a fro to an interview. she met the girl the day before and told her she didn't need to flat iron it, only to have it shaped up. the girl went and had it shaped and then interviewed with other partners. the girl got a job offer.)


now, could someone (other than your mom) think your hair looked a mess? honestly.....

if yes, then......

if not, don't worry about what your mother thinks.

 

[CAPlush]

Well, you have to make the decision for yourself whether or not you feel your hair is professional or is "challenging" anyone at work. Your mother does not know your work environment. I see all sorts of Black women at work and school, some are natural some are relaxed, I think they all blend in together pretty well and I have never heard anyone comment that a natural style is unprofessional, at least on a woman. I think what Black women don't realize is that unless you are putting blue feather ponyhawks in your hair, it is rare for anyone to even take notice (except other Black women, who are too judgmental on each other to their own detriment).

 

[sholly6]

I'm sorry I know what you mean my mother sometimes hurts my feeling as well. but she means well you just have to believe in yourself that you doing the right thing. hugs and love going out to ya

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Can you post a pic of your shake n go?

 

[Cayenne0622]

My mother just hurt my feelings really bad a couple of hours ago.

I was wearing my hair straight for about 9 months and I got tired of the look. I went back to my twists for a couple months. Then, I decided to revisit the shake-n-go. I put some curl activator on my hair, shape it up and then head out. I've been wearing it to work for a few days and thought that my hair looked very nice. By the way, I work at a majority white accounting firm. I'm the only black person in my division.

Well my mom comes into my room at 10:00 at night and says "Are you trying to challenge the people at your job or something? Are you trying to make some type of statement? Because the style you are wearing is not attractive at all. Your dad hasn't said anything but I know he feels the same way. If you must wear your hair natural, then twist it up or tame it into a neat afro. But what you are wearing is very unprofessional and you aren't making a good impression at your job."

I told my sister what happened and she told me that our mom has always preferred straight hair. She was ranting and raving when my hair was long, flowing, and straight. She learned to accept my twists but a shake-n-go is too much for her.

I feel horrible. For the past few days, I've been looking in the mirror thinking that I looked beautiful rocking my God-given natural hair.

I'm so hurt that I'm crying because maybe I was wrong about my appearance. Maybe I do look a mess.

Maybe I should just wear more tamed natural styles or wear my hair straight again so that I don't have to worry about my co-workers possibly thinking that my hair is un-kempt.

Sorry for the rave....I just thought many of you would understand.

You express yourself very well in written word. I was all frowned up and my heart was aching reading your post. Sorry about moms. I experienced a similar hurt years ago when my grandmother (naturally straight hair) felt my new growth. She was in total shock and said she had never felt anything like that before. I grew up hating my hair because of her and the fact that no one else in the fam had 4a hair. Anyway, just be strong and be confident. You know what unkempt looks like and if truly don't believe you look unkempt then continue to do you!!