Haddasah
Well-Known Member
I have been friends with this older guy in the church for a few years, and it seems that as we have gotten closer that he has revealed a lot about himself. To be honest, he has been quite irritating to me, here are just a few things that he has done or said that is getting to me:
1. He trains people at my church to have outreach small groups ( in these group we meet with believers and nonbelievers and out of the group new leaders are born to start their own group or do some other ministry) So I came in at the very end of one of these groups. At the time he didn't have time to train so he just gave me some lessons and I trained myself. Now after successfully training others and being successful in ministry throughout the area, he tells people that I was apart of his group, and how he trained me, etc. Now this is what I noticed, he has made entire groups restart or dropped projects when a guy is curious about be trained
2. When I accomplished training people and they themselves went on to do wonderful works for the Lord. He stated "Oh, I am shocked that your group stayed together, when women do this type of work, it falls apart". Then he was doubly shocked when he found out that a ministry in another area was trained by me, even though I told him about it a long time ago. Again stating that women don't do ministry well.
3. I have a vision for an organization ( had it since a small child), I shared it with him in hopes that he could help me get things started in the legal aspect. He did somewhat and then just dropped it. Some time later, he meets this guy and shares my vision with the guy, now they are starting a similar organization. My friend comes to me and wants me to join their group, they want me to essentially take my idea and give it to them and to work under them. This friend of mine who wasn't able to really help me with my idea, was able to find a lawyer to help the guy with "his" organization. I don't know why he couldn't just tell the guy about me and we work together with what I already have so far. I'm trying to swallow my pride on this one but that was a dream I had since as long as I can remember, it's my life goal.
4. Even though I have helped him along the way with many projects and such, it's like I don't count as being any help because I am a woman. He constantly states things like, " He has no help", " He has no one he can count on to train people", "No one this or that" etc. Then he would notice I was there or something and say, " I mean I need men, I need men to work with, I want to train all guys"
. I do agree that more male leadership is needed in the area we are currently in but it seems like the women are overlooked and he focuses on the guys in the group even when there is a woman who is more inspired and ready to go to the next level
5. He doesn't believe that black woman can have hair, period. He weave checked me, even though he have seen my hair grow from BC to WL. I am natural, 4a and I was wearing my hair in a french roll, someone complimented me on my hair and he blurted, "that's your hair" he smirks, then proceeds to poke his hands in my french roll. I have never had a friend/family do that to me, especially in front of someone
erplexed. He then states that its " RAREEE to see a black with hair". The thing is, 90% of the black women at the church wears their natural hair and the average length is BSL. He probably just assumes they are all wearing weaves and wigs
6. We were having a conversation, and the topic came up about marriage and premarital sex. I mentioned I was virgin, which he knows already. So he begins to talk about a Lolo Jones or Lola (an athlete apparently). He states that he was surprised that she was a virgin because she used to be homeless, and he is shocked that with her being light-skin that some man didn't try to rape her. Then he states that her team mates are mad with her because she is exotic looking and the media didn't pay attention to the "regular nappy black girls". He is saying that it wouldn't be a surprise for a dark skin women to be a virgin and that a light skin one to be a virgin or have not been raped as surprising...
I ended that call and haven't spoken to him since. Btw I'm natural (4a), a woman, dark skin ( tyra banks complexion), and a virgin. And I don't agree with his victim blaming when it comes to rape, his statements are disgusting to me, I was so upset I said a quick goodbye and hung up.
I don't know what to do with this "friendship". He is such a talker and I think if I address my concerns to him that he will tell other people. To be honest, I would like to distant myself from him, and I have no idea about what to do concerning the organization. I don't know if I should go along with them or do my own thing with different people. Please help
1. He trains people at my church to have outreach small groups ( in these group we meet with believers and nonbelievers and out of the group new leaders are born to start their own group or do some other ministry) So I came in at the very end of one of these groups. At the time he didn't have time to train so he just gave me some lessons and I trained myself. Now after successfully training others and being successful in ministry throughout the area, he tells people that I was apart of his group, and how he trained me, etc. Now this is what I noticed, he has made entire groups restart or dropped projects when a guy is curious about be trained
2. When I accomplished training people and they themselves went on to do wonderful works for the Lord. He stated "Oh, I am shocked that your group stayed together, when women do this type of work, it falls apart". Then he was doubly shocked when he found out that a ministry in another area was trained by me, even though I told him about it a long time ago. Again stating that women don't do ministry well.
3. I have a vision for an organization ( had it since a small child), I shared it with him in hopes that he could help me get things started in the legal aspect. He did somewhat and then just dropped it. Some time later, he meets this guy and shares my vision with the guy, now they are starting a similar organization. My friend comes to me and wants me to join their group, they want me to essentially take my idea and give it to them and to work under them. This friend of mine who wasn't able to really help me with my idea, was able to find a lawyer to help the guy with "his" organization. I don't know why he couldn't just tell the guy about me and we work together with what I already have so far. I'm trying to swallow my pride on this one but that was a dream I had since as long as I can remember, it's my life goal.
4. Even though I have helped him along the way with many projects and such, it's like I don't count as being any help because I am a woman. He constantly states things like, " He has no help", " He has no one he can count on to train people", "No one this or that" etc. Then he would notice I was there or something and say, " I mean I need men, I need men to work with, I want to train all guys"
. I do agree that more male leadership is needed in the area we are currently in but it seems like the women are overlooked and he focuses on the guys in the group even when there is a woman who is more inspired and ready to go to the next level5. He doesn't believe that black woman can have hair, period. He weave checked me, even though he have seen my hair grow from BC to WL. I am natural, 4a and I was wearing my hair in a french roll, someone complimented me on my hair and he blurted, "that's your hair" he smirks, then proceeds to poke his hands in my french roll. I have never had a friend/family do that to me, especially in front of someone
erplexed. He then states that its " RAREEE to see a black with hair". The thing is, 90% of the black women at the church wears their natural hair and the average length is BSL. He probably just assumes they are all wearing weaves and wigs6. We were having a conversation, and the topic came up about marriage and premarital sex. I mentioned I was virgin, which he knows already. So he begins to talk about a Lolo Jones or Lola (an athlete apparently). He states that he was surprised that she was a virgin because she used to be homeless, and he is shocked that with her being light-skin that some man didn't try to rape her. Then he states that her team mates are mad with her because she is exotic looking and the media didn't pay attention to the "regular nappy black girls". He is saying that it wouldn't be a surprise for a dark skin women to be a virgin and that a light skin one to be a virgin or have not been raped as surprising...
I ended that call and haven't spoken to him since. Btw I'm natural (4a), a woman, dark skin ( tyra banks complexion), and a virgin. And I don't agree with his victim blaming when it comes to rape, his statements are disgusting to me, I was so upset I said a quick goodbye and hung up. I don't know what to do with this "friendship". He is such a talker and I think if I address my concerns to him that he will tell other people. To be honest, I would like to distant myself from him, and I have no idea about what to do concerning the organization. I don't know if I should go along with them or do my own thing with different people. Please help
You are not in this alone. 
