Midnight Train To Poverty

[Transformer]

A Dear Prudence column

On a Midnight Train to Poverty: I am responsible, debt-free, successful in a career I love, and have always been the primary breadwinner in previous relationships. But my boyfriend out-earns me by a long shot and lives an extravagant lifestyle. His choices are his business, but when we get married he wants to maintain his lifestyle and make me pay half. I am comfortable in my modest house and happily cook most meals while he lives in a large luxury home, owns three vehicles, and eats out daily (often without me). I’ve steered him toward smaller homes and I love to cook for him, but he won’t hear of it. I’d rather live in his world than live without him in mine, but I can’t afford this guy! And I want to be his wife, not his roommate. I love him to the bones and don’t want to take advantage of him, and I understand that a 50/50 split is “fair.” It just prices me out of the marriage market. How can I make him love me enough to let me into his life without such a steep cover charge?
A: Since you’re referencing Gladys Knight and the Pips, I think you need to realize that while neither one of you want to be the first to say goodbye, if you stick with this guy your credit report is going to be a letter full of tears and the nitty gritty is that someone so cheap and ungenerous just isn’t the best thing to ever happen to you. You’re writing to me worried that you don’t want to “take advantage of him” while his plan will eventually bankrupt you. That doesn’t sound like love, that sounds like love overboard. If you two are heading toward marriage, before you get there, go to a counselor and get this resolved. If it turns out his idea of marriage is what’s his is his, and what’s yours is his, then you may have reached the end of your road.

 

[awhyley]

The response said everything that was needed, so I just wanted to say that I loved those Gladys Knight and the Pips references all throughout to get the point across.

 

[Shimmie]

He’s a financial disaster; no budget, no savings, just spending and wasting money only to end up broke and suicidal.

 

[Transformer]

I can’t get over his expectation for her to pay half of a lavish lifestyle that she doesn’t want. He earns more than her.

 

[Sosoothing]

I wonder how this relationship is benefitting her even now.
From what she has described, I'm almost certain he isn't providing or supporting her in anyway now.
She may need to work with a therapist on why she believes such a relationship is healthy and what she deserves.

 

[Evolving78]

I can’t get over his expectation for her to pay half of a lavish lifestyle that she doesn’t want. He earns more than her.

He probably has more money going out than coming in and those bills are eating his behind up. If he can get her to pay half, that’s a come up for him and he can maintain lifestyle without worrying somebody is going to snatch one of those cars up!

 

[Crackers Phinn]

How can I make him love me enough to let me into his life without such a steep cover charge?

This is the saddest line in the letter and the answer is she can't.

He's already told her that compromise isn't an option and if they get married that he ain't interested in her opinion only what she's putting in the pot. What happens when she gets pregnant and her half of the bills goes up?

Yes, I know Bonnie Rait, made this song but I couldn't find any good gifs of her so Adele gotta do but I digress.

 

[Shimmie]

He probably has more money going out than coming in and those bills are eating his behind up. If he can get her to pay half, that’s a come up for him and he can maintain lifestyle without worrying somebody is going to snatch one of those cars up!

He will also steal from her when he’s out of resources. This man is no different than an addict to drugs, gambling. There’s no restraint to his spending. She’ll be the one keeping their home intact. He will drain the life out of her financially and mentally. He’s not a husband, he’s a burden. The marriage is over before it takes place.

 

[B_Phlyy]

A Dear Prudence column

On a Midnight Train to Poverty: I am responsible, debt-free, successful in a career I love, and have always been the primary breadwinner in previous relationships. But my boyfriend out-earns me by a long shot and lives an extravagant lifestyle. His choices are his business, but when we get married he wants to maintain his lifestyle and make me pay half. I am comfortable in my modest house and happily cook most meals while he lives in a large luxury home, owns three vehicles, and eats out daily (often without me). I’ve steered him toward smaller homes and I love to cook for him, but he won’t hear of it. I’d rather live in his world than live without him in mine, but I can’t afford this guy! And I want to be his wife, not his roommate. I love him to the bones and don’t want to take advantage of him, and I understand that a 50/50 split is “fair.” It just prices me out of the marriage market. How can I make him love me enough to let me into his life without such a steep cover charge?
A: Since you’re referencing Gladys Knight and the Pips, I think you need to realize that while neither one of you want to be the first to say goodbye, if you stick with this guy your credit report is going to be a letter full of tears and the nitty gritty is that someone so cheap and ungenerous just isn’t the best thing to ever happen to you. You’re writing to me worried that you don’t want to “take advantage of him” while his plan will eventually bankrupt you. That doesn’t sound like love, that sounds like love overboard. If you two are heading toward marriage, before you get there, go to a counselor and get this resolved. If it turns out his idea of marriage is what’s his is his, and what’s yours is his, then you may have reached the end of your road.

See, this is where sis messed up. Don't finance nothing for a man that is not your husband. And if he is your husband, have a very sweet voice of encouragement when you tell him the great job he is doing financing both of your lifestyles. Idgaf about 'fair', men are using this 50/50 madness to get 100% over on some women. You can't be priced out of the marriage market because you shouldn't be paying or proposing. And she better have access to all those cars.

And I'm very upset about him eating out without her. I don't care if she cooked, got diet goals, whatever. If he had a meal, he better bring home a donut, fancy bottle, or something.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

See, this is where sis messed up. Don't finance nothing for a man that is not your husband. And if he is your husband, have a very sweet voice of encouragement when you tell him the great job he is doing financing both of your lifestyles. Idgaf about 'fair', men are using this 50/50 madness to get 100% over on some women. You can't be priced out of the marriage market because you shouldn't be paying or proposing. And she better have access to all those cars.

And I'm very upset about him eating out without her. I don't care if she cooked, got diet goals, whatever. If he had a meal, he better bring home a donut, fancy bottle, or something.

I'm tired of telling women that this messes up the game for them but they don't wanna be gold diggers and happy like me so whatevs.

 

[Ganjababy]

Why would she even consider marrying someone like that?


Boy, nothin' in life is free
That's why I'm askin' you what can you do for me
I've got responsibilities
So I'm lookin' for a man whose got money in his hands...

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Whew. Just no.

 

[cinnespice]

Simple answer- we wouldn't be in relationship. And also I'm not begging no one to love me nor wait for them to grow up and come to their senses. It will never work. Girl just run fast and be happy you don't have kids with this man. If she chooses to stay with this man in his world then she can't complain because she chose it with all the red flags and signs. She knows the answer she just keep holding on.

 

[Saludable84]

I never understand the logic of women not wanting to be “gold diggers” but think 50/50 is fair when it’s really just paying a man to be with you

... how can I love him more... how can you love him in the first place? You don’t even seem to like the way he treats you... let me leave.

 

[Theresamonet]

People take this 50/50 mess too far. Equal doesn’t automatically make it fair or equitable. His bills will go down by 50% and hers will increase by at least 50%. Make that make sense. How can you even consider being with someone who will happily place such a burden on you? The whole letter was sad and pathetic.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

It was hard for me to respond because my heart hurt reading it. Knowing someone would put that on a loved one while feigning obtuse or just being obtuse (which ever the case) is just pathetic. I would not stay around to find out which one. Whether he's an idiot or playing one (the more selfish of the two options), neither option is a good look for a husband. I write this as someone who is unmarried but who believes that no one should rush into marriage with someone who is not marriage material.

If he doesn't know that he is putting stress on his future wife, and upon marriage making her life even more difficult, they shouldn't marry. No need for a counselor. And what about the whole eating without her thing all the time? He reeks of selfishness. It seems to me he's perfectly happy to enjoy a luxurious life and leave her out of it, only including her in it to help him enjoy even more while adding more stress to her life at the same time. He is not the guy who cares about her well being and happiness nor the guy who will cover her.


I don't care about equality anymore only about equity.

To me when looking at things from an fair perspective versus an equitable one, often times there is a gap between what should be and what is. People lose perspective on that trying to just listen to and do what is parroted out to them from society. Fair: half and half doesn't exist as we don't live in a fair society. Women aren't even making 100 percent of what men make and are taking on far too many responsibilities as it is. And the world "gold digger" has women bending over backwards doing more than half to prove that they are not. Dude should be ashamed of himself but I'm sure he's such a loser that it's not even in him to know that he is pathetic.

And I feel for her because her self esteem is so low she doesn't see it. Hopefully she ends this before it gets even more complicated.

 

[Theresamonet]

I just read again, and it doesn’t sound like he’s even proposed to her. She calls him her boyfriend. A woman this desperate is not going to pass up an opportunity to call him her fiancé, if they’re actually engaged. She then goes on talking about what he says will happen, “when we get married”. This man isn’t trying to marry her. He even probably told her this, thinking it would get rid of her. But instead, she’s trying to figure out how she’s going to fit her square peg in his round hole.

 

[Ganjababy]

I love this depiction of what equity is!

It was hard for me to respond because my heart hurt reading it. Knowing someone would put that on a loved one while feigning obtuse or just being obtuse (which ever the case) is just pathetic. I would not stay around to find out which one. Whether he's an idiot or playing one (the more selfish of the two options), neither option is a good look for a husband. I write this as someone who is unmarried but who believes that no one should rush into marriage with someone who is not marriage material.

If he doesn't know that he is putting stress on his future wife, and upon marriage making her life even more difficult, they shouldn't marry. No need for a counselor. And what about the whole eating without her thing all the time? He reeks of selfishness. It seems to me he's perfectly happy to enjoy a luxurious life and leave her out of it, only including her in it to help him enjoy even more while adding more stress to her life at the same time. He is not the guy who cares about her well being and happiness nor the guy who will cover her.


I don't care about equality anymore only about equity.

To me when looking at things from an fair perspective versus an equitable one, often times there is a gap between what should be and what is. People lose perspective on that trying to just listen to and do what is parroted out to them from society. Fair: half and half doesn't exist as we don't live in a fair society. Women aren't even making 100 percent of what men make and are taking on far too many responsibilities as it is. And the world "gold digger" has women bending over backwards doing more than half to prove that they are not. Dude should be ashamed of himself but I'm sure he's such a loser that it's not even in him to know that he is pathetic.

And I feel for her because her self esteem is so low she doesn't see it. Hopefully she ends this before it gets even more complicated.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I'm guessing they're both older given the Gladys Knight song references and that just makes this even sadder.

I think they've had earnest conversations about getting married. They just haven't come to terms on the finances for it to be official. Otherwise I don't think they'd be bickering over the smaller homes she's steering him toward and the home cooked meals he's not appreciating. Her problem is that she's always out-earned the other men she's dated so her perspective on what's fair is skewed. She probably lowered her expectations or chipped in with the others and can't figure out how to do the same with him without breaking the bank. That also makes him seem like a prize because she probably isn't doing half the stuff she did for the others but she's smart enough to realize things will change if they marry.

He sounds selfish. It would hurt my soul to know someone I love would treat me this way. This is usually the kind of stuff you find out after the fact not before. Something tells me he'd change his tune if she knew more about him or his money situation.

 

[Zaz]

Also, that Gladys Knight song was about leaving the high life to fit into the normal life of the one you love. Ma'am, even your analogy is against you.

 

[msdeevee]

NO!!

Call me old fashioned. In what world is this fair if my Man makes more than me and I’m footing half the bills while He’s living like George Jefferson and quite possibly trying to impress others including other women?

If I have to pay half then I’m getting a roommate not a husband.

I told my husband before we married that was not gonna work. I contributed early in our marriage because his career hadn’t taken off yet so that was fair to me but when bro started making money. My money is mine and his is ours! He has no problem with that.

My Mother is gone now because she was through no fault of her own put in that position She was supporting 4 kids and paying half the rent cuz my Father was dead weight. I would have never settled for that in a Husband.

 

[Evolving78]

NO!!

Call me old fashioned. In what world is this fair if my Man makes more than me and I’m footing half the bills while He’s living like George Jefferson and quite possibly trying to impress others including other women?

If I have to pay half then I’m getting a roommate not a husband.

I told my husband before we married that was not gonna work. I contributed early in our marriage because his career hadn’t taken off yet so that was fair to me but when bro started making money. My money is mine and his is ours! He has no problem with that.

My Mother is gone now because she was through no fault of her own put in that position She was supporting 4 kids and paying half the rent cuz my Father was dead weight. I would have never settled for that in a Husband.

I agree, but in today’s society most men (especially black men) can’t afford a wife and children. That why I don’t plan on getting remarried. Bills and cost of living increases when you add adults into your life. When I was single my light bill was $60. When I was married the light bill was $325. Lol

 

[Zaz]

NO!!

Call me old fashioned. In what world is this fair if my Man makes more than me and I’m footing half the bills while He’s living like George Jefferson and quite possibly trying to impress others including other women?

If I have to pay half then I’m getting a roommate not a husband.

I told my husband before we married that was not gonna work. I contributed early in our marriage because his career hadn’t taken off yet so that was fair to me but when bro started making money. My money is mine and his is ours! He has no problem with that.

My Mother is gone now because she was through no fault of her own put in that position She was supporting 4 kids and paying half the rent cuz my Father was dead weight. I would have never settled for that in a Husband.

My mother was a mistress and got a house that still pays for her (our) lifestyle today.
I was just saying to a friend I need to maybe get married to take a break, lol. Someone else needs to be in charge of my life (financially) for a while. I can't fathom taking on a financial burden husband. Like, make it make sense

 

[intellectualuva]

Also, that Gladys Knight song was about leaving the high life to fit into the normal life of the one you love. Ma'am, even your analogy is against you.

Someone said it.

This letter is depressing. She isn't going to listen to prudence. She's going to end up bankrupt and heart broken.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm tired of telling women that this messes up the game for them but they don't wanna be gold diggers and happy like me so whatevs.

Forget it. I’ll be a gold digger and happy like you Crackers!! I don’t play that 50/50 crap.

 

[caribeandiva]

Also, that Gladys Knight song was about leaving the high life to fit into the normal life of the one you love. Ma'am, even your analogy is against you.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Forget it. I’ll be a gold digger and happy like you Crackers!! I don’t play that 50/50 crap.

If you got to have a problem with a man, have this problem.

 

[Zaz]

If you got to have a problem with a man, have this problem.

 

[Zaz]

Honestly, I don't know why men keep falling in love with me. Like I'm a mess and a half German CEO Marcus, and literally telling you that I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I don't think women realise that, just find you a rich man that wants to save you

 

[awhyley]

If you got to have a problem with a man, have this problem.

AMEN!!!

I don't think women realise that, just find you a rich man that wants to save you

And to this I say,