Meeting HIS people?

[Glib Gurl]

So, Dutch Chocolate and I have been dating for 3.5 months and officially a couple for 1.5 month(s). He met my people - my brother and my best friends - at my Easter Dinner party.

Now I'm wondering, when do I get to meet HIS people?

Admittedly, he is kind of a loner and only gets together periodically with "buddies" of his (mostly because they have families and are busy). He mostly spends time with his family - his two sisters, their husbands, and their kids. (His parents are deceased.) He sees them about once a week.

I sort of indicated that I was a little "hurt" that he didn't invite me to their Passover dinner but he explained to me that it's basically just a "family" thing and they never had anyone who wasn't a spouse attend (no boyfriends or girlfriends or anything). And one time he said he was going to take me to meet his sister on a Saturday (but changed his mind I guess? ) And also I've mentioned that I have my own reservations about meeting his sisters - that they'd look at me and wonder "where [he] got this big black woman from?" To that, he assured me that they would love me . . . so I'm wondering . . . when do *I* get to meet them?

I suspect that he might not have introduced them to many girlfriends over the years so perhaps that is why he might be apprehensive . . . maybe he feels like it's still too early in the relationship . . . I don't know. (All other signs indicate that he's very much into me . . . but it's too soon to say whether he's "serious" about me in terms of thinking about the long term, so maybe that's it.)

What do I do? Do I continue to wait patiently until he decides he wants to introduce me to them? Or do I hint/ask to see what's what? I don't want to rush him . . . or make things a big deal too soon.

I am inclined to wait, but still . . . it's killing me. Grrrr!

 

[Triniwegian]

I am sure he will do it on his own time, besides some parents are not interested in meeting SO's unless it's a definite thing.

I know us girls can be real impatient at times and want everything t happen at once, just enjoy your man and soon enough you will meet his family. AND please, step your mental game up. I have seen you in meet-up pics and you are a beautiful woman. If he loves you, his family will love you.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

At 3.5 months I wouldn't let it worry me that much.

And one time he said he was going to take me to meet his sister on a Saturday (but changed his mind I guess? )

@ this, if his sisters family is observant then bringing you on Shabbat may have been awkward because she's not supposed to "work" and some parts of entertaining guests can fall under "work". So this probably wasn't a slight.

 

[Glib Gurl]

@ CrackersPhinn - They aren't that observant . . . in fact I think he is more into Passover than them just because it's a family tradition. But that is a good point.

@ Theo - Yes I am quite impatient. Just we were already a couple in my head after a few dates we are already married in my head. Like when I come home at night I wonder what it would be like to come home to him . . . since we live in the same building we usually do a night cap or dessert once or twice during the week.

Thanks ladies!

 

[YankeeCandle]

Though I completely understand your hurt (especially since he met your peeps), I honestly think 3.5, 6, or even 9 months is too soon for many people who have been on their own for many years to feel comfortable bringing a B-friend or G-friend to meet family.


You know how some people--especially young, professional unmarried women, the way we are socialized---think of themselves as in an inbetween time of life. Or, rather, a "before" time of life: "before" I get married, "before" I own a house, "before" I have kids, "before" I've paid off these student loans. It's almost like, despite your education, job, and years of life, you are still sort of waiting for life to properly, finally, kick into full gear? That makes it all the easier for such a person to immediately get on board with meeting each others' families and getting this ball rolling!

Well, I don't sense that from what you've shared about Dutchie. Dutchie has lived on his own longer than he has with family. He wasn't pressed to buy a home; he's been fairly content living the way he has and where he is. He has been socialized to view himself as "finished." He's a complete person according to the way U.S. society trains men to view themselves and each other.

Now along comes this little lady that shakes up his life (said in a John Wayne drawl ), but it doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to speed up his normal processes due to her. It doesn't say anything bad about you or his feelings about you that he is following his normal pattern of being circumspect when it comes to introducing women to family.

Also, losing parents young (and I consider him to have lost them young in this day and age, when many people in their forties and fifties still have living parents) can cause some siblings to draw closer together and become more protective of each other. So there might be some of that "Three Musketeers" self-protectionism going on here, and quite understandably.

I honestly don't think this is about YOU, and I think Dutchie would be like this with any woman, no matter how much he liked/loved her.


But I don't want to discount your own instincts. If this really puts you on emotional tinterhooks and you feel unresolvable anxiety that his feelings for you may not be strong enough,, maybe you should consider de-exclusivizing and seeing other people??

 

[dlewis]

I wouldn't think to much about it. If you've been together 6 months and have not met them then wonder.

I had known my husband for years before I met his mother and sister. We were still friends when I finally met them. After we started dating it was a longgggg time before he brought me around anyone other than his grandparents. I didn't meet his father until after I had my son. After I got to know them I understood why.

 

[Glib Gurl]

@ YankeeCandle - your post makes a lot of sense. Being nearly 50 he probably does have a more set way of life and is relatively content . . . so introducing me to the fam would be a huge step. And he did say that he is superclose to his sisters now that his parents are deceased. I am not anxious enough to de-exclusivize myself with him.

@ dlewis - That is funny . . . I hope that his family are good people but I have to admit that I don't have that many white friends and generally tend to have little patience with yt women . . . so maybe waiting is good.*lol*

 

[ClassicBeauty]

The other ladies have given you great advice. I just wanted to say congrats on the new guy!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I, personally, wouldn't consider introducing any man to my family unless this was the man I planned on marrying someday. Might be a cultural thing (well I'm American but that's how it is done in our family).

My personal rule is that I expect to meet his people before he meets mine.

 

[paragon1day]

double post

 

[paragon1day]

I would have to agree with Broadstreet. I have never let a guy INTENTIONALLY meet my parents that I was dating. I have told them many times that they will only meet my long term bf, if we make it to 1.5 years (after we became exclusive).

Just my rule. I know how my ppl get when they meet one person and they still ask about these random men like I still communicate with them SIX years later!!!!!

So, no don't rush it. He may need more time to make sure you are THE ONE

 

[MissJ]

Glib Gurl always up to something. tsk, tsk

If you were going to be self-conscious about it, you should have let him take the lead and only let him meet your people after you met his.

Wait on him. If he wants you to meet them, you will. If he doesn't, you definitely won't.

 

[MissJ]

I, personally, wouldn't consider introducing any man to my family unless this was the man I planned on marrying someday. Might be a cultural thing (well I'm American but that's how it is done in our family).

My personal rule is that I expect to meet his people before he meets mine.

That's my rule, too, and after having a couple boyfriends meet the family I won't do it again unless he has made it clear that he is very serious about me and not just giving lip service. It can get very awkward at family gatherings after the break-up.

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

I, personally, wouldn't consider introducing any man to my family unless this was the man I planned on marrying someday.

I have to agree...I just don't see myself introducing anyone to family unless they are the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with...

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

Girl don't worry. It's too early in the relationship. You know you're a keeper!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I have to agree...I just don't see myself introducing anyone to family unless they are the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with...

This is how it is done in most cultures, and this is a common complaint from women dating men from these cultures. They are wondering why they haven't met his family and they take it personally. Many cultures consider it disrespectful to introduce a mate to the family that isn't going to be a lifelong partner. The family is not comfortable with meeting multiple women throughout a man's lifetime--they are only concerned with the woman who will be joining the family. The man is expected to make the first move in introducing you to his family, and this is usually a big sign that he plans on marrying you. I am not comfortable with meeting a guy's family before this point. I did that with my first boyfriend, and it didn't feel right but I went along with it. A few months later we broke up and the whole situation was awkward. Won't do it again.