Marriage: Why do we impose ourselves deadlines??

[BlackHairDiva]

Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm suspecting that we(BW) are imposing ourselves deadlines when it comes to marriage. It seems like when we hit 30 we all start to sweat and doubt erupts.

Yesterday, I dealt with a client(WW) who was all joys cause she got married. She doesn't have kids. Never been married. She is 44( born in 1965). It seems WW don't sweat as much as we do and they never assume that they won' marry. It's like there is no "expiration date" in their heads when it comes to " until when can i remain marriage material or be able to find mate"

Could this be our pitfall? Is it that many of us assume the worst when really we are all able to get married, just not when everyone or when we expect it.

What do y'all think?

 

[Ediese]

You definitely have a point there. My sister is constantly in my ear about me getting older and needing to stop casually dating, and start trying to find a mate. She's continually comparing her dating/marriage timeline to where I'm at right now. I've heard that so much that I've been really stressing myself out over it. I'm 25 now. erplexed

 

[BlackHairDiva]

You definitely have a point there. My sister is constantly in my ear about me getting older and needing to stop casually dating, and start trying to find a mate. She's continually comparing her dating/marriage timeline to where I'm at right now. I've heard that so much that I've been really stressing myself out over it. I'm 25 now. erplexed

It's the same with me. In my case my mom stresses not only me but my brother as well.

 

[MizzBrown]

WW have expirations dates too. And they stick to their date.

I think we as black women have a problem sticking with our dating deadlines.

And its not so much saying that i NEED to find a mate by age 35. It's about not trying to stay with someone for over 3-5 years waiting on them to propose when you should be following your dating deadline and LEAVE him so that you CAN find your true soulmate who WANTS to marry you.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

^^^^^ Basically

 

[naturalmanenyc]

That was a rare case. I know tons of women (Black, Jewish, Asian, Indian) all of whom sweat bullets by age 30 if they are not married. I have never been 30 & single (started dating DH in my 20's) but I do hear from my 30+ friends all the time about giving a man 2 years or less to propose.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

So you are basing this whole theory over one WW you have met? WW also have expiration dates and also sweat about being left on the shelf or even getting a bf ..i live in a majority white area and they have this same issue so its not a race thing..there are plenty of women here who end up having babies on their own (thru sperm banks, having kids with their gay male friendetc) because they couldnt find a man in their time frame and they feel their biological clock is ticking.

 

[lexi84]

WW have expirations dates too. And they stick to their date.

I think we as black women have a problem sticking with our dating deadlines.

And its not so much saying that i NEED to find a mate by age 35. It's about not trying to stay with someone for over 3-5 years waiting on them to propose when you should be following your dating deadline and LEAVE him so that you CAN find your true soulmate who WANTS to marry you.

Exactly what you said!

 

[lexi84]

So you are basing this whole theory over one WW you have met? WW also have expiration dates and also sweat about being left on the shelf or even getting a bf ..i live in a majority white area and they have this same issue so its not a race thing..there are plenty of women here who end up having babies on their own (thru sperm banks, having kids with their gay male friendetc) because they couldnt find a man in their time frame and they feel their biological clock is ticking.

...........

 

[DragonPearl]

That was a rare case. I know tons of women (Black, Jewish, Asian, Indian) all of whom sweat bullets by age 30 if they are not married. I have never been 30 & single (started dating DH in my 20's) but I do hear from my 30+ friends all the time about giving a man 2 years or less to propose.

I co-sign 100%.

Most of my white girlfriends and acquaintances were trying to get married by the time they hit 30. They stopped playing around and got serious about relationships and men.

 

[JFemme]

I co-sign 100%.

Most of my white girlfriends and acquaintances were trying to get married by the time they hit 30. They stopped playing around and got serious about relationships and men.

Yall think its the biological clock ticking.... ????

I do...

You dont even have to want children but the body will send you out there looking round for donors...and such...

 

[firecracker]

Ask the coochie clock that question my lady.

 

[Bunny77]

Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm suspecting that we(BW) are imposing ourselves deadlines when it comes to marriage. It seems like when we hit 30 we all start to sweat and doubt erupts.

Yesterday, I dealt with a client(WW) who was all joys cause she got married. She doesn't have kids. Never been married. She is 44( born in 1965). It seems WW don't sweat as much as we do and they never assume that they won' marry. It's like there is no "expiration date" in their heads when it comes to " until when can i remain marriage material or be able to find mate"

Could this be our pitfall? Is it that many of us assume the worst when really we are all able to get married, just not when everyone or when we expect it.

What do y'all think?

Disagree with this.

I think WW are actually MORE aggressive with setting deadlines and deciding that they want to be married by a certain time. WW are forever writing books and coming up with plans about strategizing to find a husband, while I hardly EVER hear of black women deciding with the same level of purpose that they want to be married. Sure, BW will say they want to marry, but are perhaps more passive with it (i.e. "If it happens, it happens."), while WW or other non-black women will make it a straight-up MISSION to get a husband and get married at a certain age. "If it happens, it happens," is not an acceptable answer for them.

And truthfully, I think that black women who want to be married and have kids need to take a lesson from that... our pitfall is in FAILING to do so. While I don't have a "deadline," I DO have a timeline.

And sorry, but I want to have kids and I don't want to wait until my 40s to get married. I'm not going to be all happy happy joy joy about getting married for the first time at 44, because that is not MY desire for my life. There is nothing inherently wrong with getting married in one's forties, and if your co-worker is happy with that, then that's great! But that's HER... and you don't know her story or if waiting until 44 was really her first choice or if she reached a point in which she thought she'd never marry because it didn't happen earlier and she's now happy that it did.

I don't think it's about assuming the worst at all. I think it's all about being realistic about one's goals and desires for one's personal life, and then attempting to achieve them, just like one would with work, school and everything else. If you want marriage and kids and they aren't just "happening," then why not put in a greater effort to make them happen?

 

[SilentRuby]

Yall think its the biological clock ticking.... ????

I do...

You dont even have to want children but the body will send you out there looking round for donors...and such...

I think that's exactly what it is. Women want to have children WHEN they can have children.

They say best place for a child to be born is to two people legally married, hence the reason to go ahead and get married.

If it was up to me, I would just have a child by myself.
But since I plan to be the first to have (successful marriage, higher education than high school, and etc. in my family) I will have to do better than my predecessors.

I owe it to my children to give them the best lives ever. Not just financially but spiritually, mentally and emotionally

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Getting married doesn't solve anything but changing your classification from single to married. Seriously, it doesn't. Those who are looking for marriage to SOLVE something are in for a world of disappointment. Stop letting OTHER PEOPLE dictate to you when and how you get married. Please know, it's MORE than a notion to promise to spend your life with someone, kids or not. Getting married isn't JUST about having kids!

 

[SilentRuby]

Getting married doesn't solve anything but changing your classification from single to married. Seriously, it doesn't. Those who are looking for marriage to SOLVE something are in for a world of disappointment. Stop letting OTHER PEOPLE dictate to you when and how you get married. Please know, it's MORE than a notion to promise to spend your life with someone, kids or not. Getting married isn't JUST about having kids!

I know people (in my circle, at least) are concerned with what others have to say and I'm seeing a lot of settling just to have the title.

 

[Vinyl]

I have a deadline because I want children, so if I reached a certain age and wasn't married I'd be getting worried.

 

[Bunny77]

Getting married doesn't solve anything but changing your classification from single to married. Seriously, it doesn't. Those who are looking for marriage to SOLVE something are in for a world of disappointment. Stop letting OTHER PEOPLE dictate to you when and how you get married. Please know, it's MORE than a notion to promise to spend your life with someone, kids or not. Getting married isn't JUST about having kids!

Well, I definitely won't let others do that! Surprisingly, in my case, I haven't really run into too many people pressuring me about anything... my family is more of the "if it happens, it happens" types.

I know that one reason that I HAVEN'T married yet is because I won't settle!

(But I can be more serious about the types of men I date though and devote less energy to those that aren't marriage-minded.)

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

...........

I wasn't gonna address this, but why the barfing smiley?

I know a single, Black professional woman who is considering the same thing bc they both would like to have a biological child. And for her, it's looking like it's not happening the natural, boy-meets-girl and gets-married way.

They aren't considering doing the 'do, but this is her back-up plan.

 

[TLC1020]

This statement is so true...
Most of the women and some are my girlfriends that are advocating and pressuring me to get married are NOT married themselves. They are in relationships that are atleast over 5 years with a kid or two. I guess it is like don't follow their foot steps. .

I don't think many black women set deadlines moreso go with the flow. But when they finally get frustrated and tired that's when they want to set deadlines and by that time they have been in that relationship 3-10 years and bitter w/o a real committment. Typically these women go thru all type of drama with this guy and then they both finally break up and he end up with someone else and he marry that chick.

I listen to Steve Harvey when he say that women should definitely let a man know if marriage is what she wants and you have a right to do that. It is up to you as the woman to determine how long you are willing to wait and don't be mad if after 5-10 years he still haven't married you b/c you allowed him to stall, become financially stable or whatever. B/c if a man want to marry you he will do those things with you as a couple while you grow and become partners. Marriage is a lot of work and everyone realize this, however a woman should only play the role of a wife while only his girlfriend for so long. Only you can set that time frame and you only have yourself to blame in the end if you are not married b/c you are the one who remained in that relationship.

Getting married doesn't solve anything but changing your classification from single to married. Seriously, it doesn't. Those who are looking for marriage to SOLVE something are in for a world of disappointment. Stop letting OTHER PEOPLE dictate to you when and how you get married. Please know, it's MORE than a notion to promise to spend your life with someone, kids or not. Getting married isn't JUST about having kids!

 

[The Princess]

You definitely have a point there. My sister is constantly in my ear about me getting older and needing to stop casually dating, and start trying to find a mate. She's continually comparing her dating/marriage timeline to where I'm at right now. I've heard that so much that I've been really stressing myself out over it. I'm 25 now. erplexed

OMG this is so unreal. Im the same age. Im stressing out as well. Just the other day, my coworker asks me, dang when you go start having kids. I stated when I get married, co worker replied, well what the problem. I refrained from going off. Just told him, that I want to get married then have kids. Times is different from when they were dating from now. I stress that so much to them. Its at a point now, when I look around, from where I work, majority of the ladies my age and younger, are married with kids, and or going on their second marriage, and or, single with kids.

I feel I won't have a descent relationship until I finish my career. Me having kids, forget about it. It will have to sneak up on me.

Marriage then kids. Im only in my 20s im still in the dating phase, I did find someone that I wanted to settle down with, but thats another story...

 

[treybaby2005]

I co-sign 100%.

Most of my white girlfriends and acquaintances were trying to get married by the time they hit 30. They stopped playing around and got serious about relationships and men.

This has always been a question to me.Sometimes,I wonder is it truely our fault that we are not married by 30?Here we are giving men deadlines being in a serious relationship after the other when ww are having fun in their 20s not really taking much seriously as far as relationships and when they are ready to marry,they do.I see it everyday.I mean they party hard.Not to say they are sleeping around with everybody but just dating casually just living life.
I swear,I was so focused on getting married to every boyfriend who I thought were the ones ,when I should have been taking my time to learn myself and what I wanted and needed instead of worrying about my biological clock,pleasing a man,and listening to others on when I should be married.
I just think back when I was a teen and was sooo into my ex.Why?I am so against having serious relationships that serious,that young.(I say that now because I am old but if I could go back in time!)Then we wonder why we are 35 with tons of failed serious relationships and baggage.

 

[Bunny77]

This has always been a question to me.Sometimes,I wonder is it truely our fault that we are not married by 30?Here we are giving men deadlines being in a serious relationship after the other when ww are having fun in their 20s not really taking much seriously as far as relationships and when they are ready to marry,they do.I see it everyday.I mean they party hard.Not to say they are sleeping around with everybody but just dating casually just living life.
I swear,I was so focused on getting married to every boyfriend who I thought were the ones ,when I should have been taking my time to learn myself and what I wanted and needed instead of worrying about my biological clock,pleasing a man,and listening to others on when I should be married.
I just think back when I was a teen and was sooo into my ex.Why?I am so against having serious relationships that serious,that young.(I say that now because I am old but if I could go back in time!)Then we wonder why we are 35 with tons of failed serious relationships and baggage.

This is an interesting way to look at it!

I guess it depends on each person's case. See, my experience was the opposite of yours... while I dated, I didn't have very many serious relationships in my 20s, and probably just two people that I could legitimately call a boyfriend... so I was probably living more like the WW you're talking about in terms of loving life, focusing on me and having fun.

So for ME with that background, it makes sense to say that it's time to really focus on taking relationships seriously because I didn't do it before and didn't focus on trying to marry. In your situation, however, I do see how you could take an opposite viewpoint and I do think that too many black women aren't encouraged to just casually date a bunch of dudes (no, you don't have to sleep with them all), but feel that they have to have boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend.

It's not good to go through a whole decade always in a relationship with some man... I have some BW friends in their late 20s who did that and are just now really learning about themselves and being single... getting married right now would NOT be a good idea for them for this very reason.

And no, I don't think it's a "fault" that one is not married at 30... there are many reasons why this could happen -- some might have to do with our decision-making, while others could simply be a matter of circumstance.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

This has always been a question to me.Sometimes,I wonder is it truely our fault that we are not married by 30?Here we are giving men deadlines being in a serious relationship after the other when ww are having fun in their 20s not really taking much seriously as far as relationships and when they are ready to marry,they do.I see it everyday.I mean they party hard.Not to say they are sleeping around with everybody but just dating casually just living life.
I swear,I was so focused on getting married to every boyfriend who I thought were the ones ,when I should have been taking my time to learn myself and what I wanted and needed instead of worrying about my biological clock,pleasing a man,and listening to others on when I should be married.
I just think back when I was a teen and was sooo into my ex.Why?I am so against having serious relationships that serious,that young.(I say that now because I am old but if I could go back in time!)Then we wonder why we are 35 with tons of failed serious relationships and baggage.

white girls live it up im telling you. even when they have SO's they still go out and have fun with eachother. i have a few friends who are all about their sucky boyfriends but as soon as the guy cheats or they are not into him anymore they break up with him and date someone else in like 2 weeks. I have another friend who has an SO but still goes on dates with other men...doesnt have sex with them but she feels that shes still ffree game cuz she and her SO are nowhere near serious and is keeping her options open

 

[CurliDiva]

I don't think this is a so-called "black" issue.

People in general are getting married later than earlier generations.........and with pre-martial sex and more & more children being born out of wedlock.....this "pressure" to get married has lessen for both women and men.

.

 

[treybaby2005]

This is an interesting way to look at it!

I guess it depends on each person's case. See, my experience was the opposite of yours... while I dated, I didn't have very many serious relationships in my 20s, and probably just two people that I could legitimately call a boyfriend... so I was probably living more like the WW you're talking about in terms of loving life, focusing on me and having fun.

So for ME with that background, it makes sense to say that it's time to really focus on taking relationships seriously because I didn't do it before and didn't focus on trying to marry. In your situation, however, I do see how you could take an opposite viewpoint and I do think that too many black women aren't encouraged to just casually date a bunch of dudes (no, you don't have to sleep with them all), but feel that they have to have boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend.

It's not good to go through a whole decade always in a relationship with some man... I have some BW friends in their late 20s who did that and are just now really learning about themselves and being single... getting married right now would NOT be a good idea for them for this very reason.

And no, I don't think it's a "fault" that one is not married at 30... there are many reasons why this could happen -- some might have to do with our decision-making, while others could simply be a matter of circumstance.[/quote]
ita with the bolded.I'm just saying how some bw are that I know.I just know that when my mom told me to not get so serious with one person at 16,I thought I knew everything and that was going to be my husband.Boy,if that would have happened,I am in such a different place now.Me and my bff just think back all the stupid things we did when we were younger,and tolerated trying to be grown knowing absolutely nothing about life.

 

[treybaby2005]

white girls live it up im telling you. even when they have SO's they still go out and have fun with eachother. i have a few friends who are all about their sucky boyfriends but as soon as the guy cheats or they are not into him anymore they break up with him and date someone else in like 2 weeks. I have another friend who has an SO but still goes on dates with other men...doesnt have sex with them but she feels that shes still ffree game cuz she and her SO are nowhere near serious and is keeping her options open

So true and sometimes bw forget all about their friends altogether til something bad happens in their relationship,he's all types of dogs then when they get back with the dog,you the hater for hating on their love.

 

[MizzBrown]

I don't think this is a so-called "black" issue.

People in general are getting married later than earlier generations.........and with pre-martial sex and more & more children being born out of wedlock.....this "pressure" to get married has lessen for both women and men.

.

BLACK issue! Why the hell is our rate so high?

I dont see white women shackin' up and playin' wifey to their boyfriend of 10 years while having 3 kids OOW then wondering why they aint married.

It's US. I could've been married a long time ago if i had imposed a timeline and changed my standards.

Becky is getting married next month. Keshia is NOT.

 

[treybaby2005]

BLACK issue! Why the hell is our rate so high?

I dont see white women shackin' up and playin' wifey to their boyfriend of 10 years while having 3 kids OOW then wondering why they aint married.

It's US. I could've been married a long time ago if i had imposed a timeline and changed my standards.

Becky is getting married next month. Keshia is NOT.

How many wp do you know?There are ww shacking up and playing wifey role too,its just not as exposed.Yes our rate is high.There is no debate about that. Many times bw get caught up with being in serious relationships to be married for half their child-bearing years whether you leave in one year with ten boyfriends or ten years with one man,and still don't get married where ww just have causual relationships and then get married.There are alot of bw who are single with no kids living on their own,with no marriage in site.
To the bolded,I think most black women could have been married a long time ago,but where would some of us be?We all read those crazy threads about where is your ex/first love now?
My point of this is most ww don't worry about what they can't control.They just live life and take what comes with it.
My one w co-worker lived with her bf for ten years.He didn't want to get married so she just said she wasn't getting married.She was a miserable person to work with.She was 38 at the time.One day she got tired,dumped him and got married less than a year later to someone else.People are still getting married just on their own time now.

 

[BlackHairDiva]

I know in my case... I hate to admit this. But I had no intention getting married in my 20s. I wanted to get an education( university) , a solid career , have a somewhat stable finances.

I'm currently 31, when I look back being married in my 20s would have been in a mess. So may events happened that I had to be there for my family. By the end the time I turned 27, my dad passed away. I had to be there for mom. As a family we had to stick together cause dad's passing was not only a shocking but we had to deal with the financial turmoil of his passing. Mom's health problem, granny's health problem, etc. I only started getting my life back in in 2008. So for me, getting married in my 30s would be the ideal. I have grown, I know so much about finances, life, and family.... I feel ready.

I didn't look for anyone in my 20s, I had a few long distance relationships. The guys where i lived and studied... Many of these men had alcohol and drug problems...which many times relationship with those type of guys would result in some sort of unhealthy relationship( verbal abuse, physical abuse...which was common.). Others had paper issues( meaning immigration issues) and not to mention those with serious financial problems. But now I'm ready and will be looking. I do mean looking around me , online wherever. I still have a overwhelming gut feeling I will find him As soon as I move to go do my MBA.