Marriage minded men: So much pressure!

[FemmeFatale]

They've been scaring me lately and I'm not sure if I've developed some phobia to commitment and marriage overnight or what, but I get anxious and unrelaxed speaking with them. I know I want to get married but I still like for things to happen organically and not on some rushed deadline. I left my ex because the pressure was just to much, he basically gave me a year deadline for marriage and after a little while I just wasn't feeling it with him at all, too much pressure!

Now I just turned 30 and I know I have to mindful of my age but I still feel VERY young and there's still a tiny part of me that looks at marriage and babies as a prison sentence.

I recently met a guy that is on the same wave as my ex.. prior to our first real conversation I was interested in him and excited! Then we kicked it and suddenly that cloying feeling that I had with my ex came back. I've been dodging him a little bit. Same thing happened with another guy.

These are all great catches too, the black men some people here think are unicorns

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Give them my number, please.

 

[SuchaLady]

Its gets worse at 30? I meet quite a few and you are right it can be scary. The frightening part is that once you get in the relationship the outcome will either be breaking up or marriage.

 

[nlamr2013]

Lol maybe I'm confused I don't see the point of a serious relationship if it's not leading to marriage soonish.

I also don't do non serious relationships lol

 

[SuchaLady]

Of course that's the general goal but that is not always how it works. If that was the case everyone would get it right the first time and relationship issues wouldnt exist. How many adults get/got it right the first time?

Lol maybe I'm confused I don't see the point of a serious relationship if it's not leading to marriage soonish.

I also don't do non serious relationships lol

 

[FemmeFatale]

Its gets worse at 30? I meet quite a few and you are right it can be scary. The frightening part is that once you get in the relationship the outcome will either be breaking up or marriage.

It's intense, one will be 32 soon and the other two are 30.

I'm all for marriage but can we just enjoy the journey for a little bit? The first dates/convos are always INTENSE. I understand wanting to get the objective out but timing is important.

 

[Holla]

I've been there. With those guys, you know from DAY 1 that they want to be married. It's as if they have an internal clock ticking and they put pressure on you to get married. It is too much! It's one thing if there is a natural chemistry where two people just click and they BOTH feel that chemistry, but when one is feeling it and the other is rationalizing it......there is no need for the pressure.

On the other hand, there are those brothers where they talk a good game but they will be 40, 45 before they get married. They don't run to the broom.

 

[nlamr2013]

Of course that's the general goal but that is not always how it works. If that was the case everyone would get it right the first time and relationship issues wouldnt exist. How many adults get/got it right the first time?

Got what right? the first person they seriously dated they married? I know many.

I think you either misunderstood me or I'm misunderstanding you

 

[Renewed1]

The first dates/convos are always INTENSE. I understand wanting to get the objective out but timing is important.

Where can I meet those guys. I have the "cut to the chase" type of personality. So in the beginning stages this would be ideal, I hate wasting time.

But I do understand the whole let it grow naturally.

 

[beebstt]

Yeah I don't like being a part of someone else's agenda. I like the feeling of both of us creating a joint agenda that we both agree is right. Otherwise I feel shortchanged.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I kinda get it. I don't like dealing with them because I feel like the urgency is not really about me, it's about whatever timeline or deadline they're trying to adhere too. And I feel like its about image for some of them too. And then they wanna be surprised that you're not pressed to run down the aisle with them. Not here for it.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I've been there. With those guys, you know from DAY 1 that they want to be married. It's as if they have an internal clock ticking and they put pressure on you to get married. It is too much! It's one thing if there is a natural chemistry where two people just click and they BOTH feel that chemistry, but when one is feeling it and the other is rationalizing it......there is no need for the pressure.

On the other hand, there are those brothers where they talk a good game but they will be 40, 45 before they get married. They don't run to the broom.

It just gives credence to the idea that men marry WHEN they're ready, not WHO is "seems" perfect for them.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Where can I meet those guys. I have the "cut to the chase" type of personality. So in the beginning stages this would be ideal, I hate wasting time. But I do understand the whole let it grow naturally.

Theoretically it all sounds great, but as another poster stated, it can also feel so contrived.

I met one through an associate, another one I met on a whim while out at a day party. One just finished med school and moved near my parent's area for work, we met at this little restaurant.

Breakout those sundresses and go out and enjoy the scene.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I kinda get it. I don't like dealing with them because I feel like the urgency is not really about me, it's about whatever timeline or deadline they're trying to adhere too. And I feel like its about image for some of them too. And then they wanna be surprised that you're not pressed to run down the aisle with them. Not here for it.

Yes yes yes! And it zaps all the fun out of dating.

 

[LaBelleLL]

Yeah I agree. But I actually find that these guys actually burn themselves out. Like the way they go hard, it's lightweight not even genuinely about you. They just are excited about you, think you are OK and then marriage is brought up super soon. Don't get me wrong - they wouldn't agree but their actions reflect this.

Give it time though and as quickly these guys get intense is as quickly it will all deflate. It's not a good look and something I run from.

 

[stephluv]

Just cause they talk about it quickly doesn't mean they are quick to pop the question...maybe they want to see where your mind is at OP? I've met marriage-minded men but we didn't jump into anything...time will reveal if your paths are aligned or just crossing

 

[GoldenRule]

Lol maybe I'm confused I don't see the point of a serious relationship if it's not leading to marriage soonish.

I also don't do non serious relationships lol

Everyone isn't interested in getting married. I've already been married and have no desire to do so again. It seems like when I meet new people things are swell then they inevitably bring up that marriage mess and spoil it. It is a HUGE turn off for me - as in you need to go home RIGHT NOW and NEVER COME BACK. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy a committed relationship though. I just want him to live in his own house. Forever.

 

[awhyley]

Lol maybe I'm confused I don't see the point of a serious relationship if it's not leading to marriage soonish.

It's not the fact that they want to get married, its the fact that you're on their timeline, and they're giving OP ultimatums that's a turn off.

Yeah I don't like being a part of someone else's agenda. I like the feeling of both of us creating a joint agenda that we both agree is right. Otherwise I feel shortchanged.

Ditto.

I kinda get it. I don't like dealing with them because I feel like the urgency is not really about me, it's about whatever timeline or deadline they're trying to adhere too. And I feel like its about image for some of them too. And then they wanna be surprised that you're not pressed to run down the aisle with them. Not here for it.

It feels like any girl will do, as long as they're on HIS run. If you're not with the program, then too bad for you.

 

[caligirl]

there's still a tiny part of me that looks at marriage and babies as a prison sentence.

LOL Me too! I feel like the party is OVER

 

[Kindheart]

LOL Me too! I feel like the party is OVER

It is . party is oooovaaaah!

 

[SmileyNY]

There's a difference between being a marriage minded man and being a sadly desperate man.

In my mind, a truly marriage minded man (one who's a great catch, anyway) isn't discussing marriage on the first date nor displaying desperate behavior by giving ultimatums.

A good marriage minded man is selective. He's looking for a life partner and wants to get to know you first before letting his intentions be known.

When I was single, any guy talking about marriage and babies (or asking too many questions on the subject) on the first date (or too early in dating), earned a shiny new "RED FLAG!" from me. Smiley doesn't do desperate. I'm not trying to be someone's "anybody". No ma'am.

IMO, a good marriage minded man is one who makes it clear that he's not playing games right before he commits to you. He's complete without you, but has decided that he wants to spend his life with YOU... the woman he has grown to LOVE.

A desperate man is trying to find somebody, anybody, to marry and start a family with ASAP! Every other first date is "the one". These men are trying to fill a void. That can be dangerous.

 

[Solila]

FemmeFatale 30 is young! Maybe you should set the deadline yourself. Personally, I think its very nice they are marriage-minded men, but you might need to set the record straight. They need to get to know you for the sake of getting to know you, not to drag you down the aisle in 12 months notice.
Getting married is easy. Staying married takes work. And that's not even including children.

 

[gabulldawg]

I think there's a big difference between marriage minded men and marriage obsessed men. Marriage obsessed men are just as creepy as marriage obsessed women.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I think there's a big difference between marriage minded men and marriage obsessed men. Marriage obsessed men are just as creepy as marriage obsessed women.

It's funny you say that.. I fully understand why men bolt when women act like this. The first date/convo should never be that intense

 

[CaraWalker]

Lol maybe I'm confused I don't see the point of a serious relationship if it's not leading to marriage soonish. I also don't do non serious relationships lol

wait so what does that leave you with?

 

[CaraWalker]

There's a difference between being a marriage minded man and being a sadly desperate man.

In my mind, a truly marriage minded man (one who's a great catch, anyway) isn't discussing marriage on the first date nor displaying desperate behavior by giving ultimatums.

A good marriage minded man is selective. He's looking for a life partner and wants to get to know you first before letting his intentions be known.

When I was single, any guy talking about marriage and babies (or asking too many questions on the subject) on the first date (or too early in dating), earned a shiny new "RED FLAG!" from me. Smiley doesn't do desperate. I'm not trying to be someone's "anybody". No ma'am.

IMO, a good marriage minded man is one who makes it clear that he's not playing games right before he commits to you. He's complete without you, but has decided that he wants to spend his life with YOU... the woman he has grown to LOVE.

A desperate man is trying to find somebody, anybody, to marry and start a family with ASAP! Every other first date is "the one". These men are trying to fill a void. That can be dangerous.

this. thanks for the reality check

 

[nlamr2013]

Everyone isn't interested in getting married. I've already been married and have no desire to do so again. It seems like when I meet new people things are swell then they inevitably bring up that marriage mess and spoil it. It is a HUGE turn off for me - as in you need to go home RIGHT NOW and NEVER COME BACK. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy a committed relationship though. I just want him to live in his own house. Forever.

See imo this is something you should get on the table asap why waste everyone's time when you know you don't want to be married and he knows he does.

So like if in that first or second date it was discussed you didn't want marriage and he did you both could have walked away right then. It just seems to waste time knowing you don't want to be married to be in some odd limbo. It's like the flip of women who are in these long relationships and the two people are not on the same accord

 

[nlamr2013]

It's not the fact that they want to get married, its the fact that you're on their timeline, and they're giving OP ultimatums that's a turn off.

Ditto.

It feels like any girl will do, as long as they're on HIS run. If you're not with the program, then too bad for you.

No you're not on their timeline. If someone tells you X needs to happen by y time and you don't like that then you can scoot on by right then instead waiting until y time has come.

I didn't read it as he needed to be married in one year but that at their level of seriousness in one year's time the couple needs to have progressed to 'higher' stages. It's no different than people who say they won't date someone more that X years without at least being engaged.

 

[nlamr2013]

wait so what does that leave you with?

Lol what do you mean?

 

[GoldenRule]

See imo this is something you should get on the table asap why waste everyone's time when you know you don't want to be married and he knows he does. So like if in that first or second date it was discussed you didn't want marriage and he did you both could have walked away right then. It just seems to waste time knowing you don't want to be married to be in some odd limbo. It's like the flip of women who are in these long relationships and the two people are not on the same accord

I make no secret of that fact. I think what happens is you get together and things are going well and hearts are fluttering etc... And they think iI will change my mind. Probably not going to happen though. Maybe when I'm a senior or something but I don't see it in the next 10 years.