Marriage is hard work...why?

[wofford16]

I was on FB today and one of my friends is celebrating her wedding anniversary and for every comment someone left for her she kept saying "Thank You because you know marriage is hard work". Well someone commented back to her "What's so hard about it?" and she never responded to the comment.

So me being nosey I want to know what makes a marriage hard work?

Is it the fact that your spouse has cheated and you stay with them and work on your marriage as opposed to getting divorced?

Is it the fact that your spouse is a slob and no matter what you do that person never picks up after themselves?

Is it the fact that your spouse has gained a few extra pounds and you don't find that person attractive anymore?

Is it the fact that your spouse is an alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, gambler, addicted to porn, and there is nothing you can do to help?

Is it the fact that your spouse is terrible with money and you are one paycheck from being homeless?

Anyone willing to share your thoughts on why marriage is hard work?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Marriage is hard work in general. My husband & I don't have any of the issues you mentioned, but combining your life with someone else's is work. It takes a lot of patience & compromise in order for things to run smoothly. When a decision needs to be made you both have to agree or compromise which is not always easy.

It also takes work to keep the romance alive. You have to be sure to make time for each other in the midst of work, kids, and other issues that may come up.

Things don't have to be extreme (cheating, homelessness, etc.). Being an adult with a job and a family is hard work period. Being happily married takes effort, but is definitely worth it, IMO

 

[JustKiya]

Damn!

Marriage is hard work, and it's got NOTHING to do with the list of issues in the OP!!!!

It's hard work because it requires compromise.
It's hard work because it requires communication.
It's hard work because it requires deep honesty - with yourself and your partner.
It's hard work because you live with the less-than-perfect aspects of another person.
It's hard work because it's never-ending work.
It's hard work because both people are growing and changing as the work continues.
It's hard work because there is no instruction manual.
It's hard work because it's valuable and nothing worth something is easy.



.....and that's just off of the top of my head.

 

[lacreolegurl]

Marriage is hard work in general. My husband & I don't have any of the issues you mentioned, but combining your life with someone else's is work. It takes a lot of patience & compromise in order for things to run smoothly. When a decision needs to be made you both have to agree or compromise which is not always easy.

It also takes work to keep the romance alive. You have to be sure to make time for each other in the midst of work, kids, and other issues that may come up.

Things don't have to be extreme (cheating, homelessness, etc.). Being an adult with a job and a family is hard work period. Being happily married takes effort, but is definitely worth it, IMO

I totally agree. Marriage, just like any other relationship, needs to be nurtured daily. Two people with different life experiences are becoming a unit. It is work...that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

[DarkHair]

Marriage is hard work because that are going to be highs and lows. There are going to be changes in lifestyles, finances, emotions, personalities, etc. From personal experience it was hard the first year because we were combining finances, tastes, bills, space, lives, activities, friends, and families. ALL of that factors into everyday life.

He wants bean bag and blow-up furniture, you want a nice, leather sectional. He wants paper plates, forks, and cups....you want a beautiful dish set. He takes his shoes, jacket, shirt, and pants off at the door....you change clothes in your master closet. He doesn't wash dishes, you're a neat freak. He wants to watch action movies, you like romance. His friends call and show up all night, whereas yours will email/call/text you at work. I say all that to say that marriage is a job even when you have a job.

 

[GreenD]

I think the women before me covered pretty much most of the "work" involved in a marriage, but somtimes the work is actually learning and dealing with yourself. I love how I can see my actions and who I am reflected off of my hubby, and sometimes what I see isn't pretty at all.

So it's a combination of work to make me a better person, work to help make him a better person, and work to make both people learning themselves and each other work together. I hope that makes sense.

 

[DarkHair]

I think the women before me covered pretty much most of the "work" involved in a marriage, but somtimes the work is actually learning and dealing with yourself. I love how I can see my actions and who I am reflected off of my hubby, and sometimes what I see isn't pretty at all.

So it's a combination of work to make me a better person, work to help make him a better person, and work to make both people learning themselves and each other work together. I hope that makes sense.

This makes total sense to me. Hubby says that he wants me to respect him more. I don't see where I don't. I think its work to adjust/modify yourself so that you can be what he needs so that he can be what you needs. I think when that happens everything else will fall into place.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I agree with all the above but I also want to throw in that marriage can also be hard because of outside temptation. For example alot of DH's/your friends are either still single or becoming single again. When everybody you chill with is single and acting a fool with all kinds of women/men you can start to think that you are missing out on something when you all that you really want is standing right in front of you. Or there's the case of the chicks/dudes that just want to be the side pieces and throw themselves at a married person, if you and your spouse are in a dry spell its some hard work to stay focused on the importance of your marriage

 

[Sistaslick]

Marriage is hard work because you've stuck two individuals together flaws and all-- and asked them to come up with a master plan that they must stick to for the rest of their lives. Then asked them many times to deny themselves and put themselves last for the sake of the cause- as they both grow . . . and age . . . and mature . . . and go through normal phases. And to do it all with a smile.

That is hard, and that is love!

 

[hopeful]

Agree with everyone. Thank goodness there are many good days too, otherwise it would not be worth it.

 

[ambergirl]

I wonder if men work as hard in marriage as women do?

I've heard men say marriage isn't easy but I rarely hear them say its hard work

 

[JFemme]

I wonder if men work as hard in marriage as women do?

I've heard men say marriage isn't easy but I rarely hear them say its hard work

Now there's the fifty million dollar question....

What you think, AmberGirl...

 

[JFemme]

Damn!

Marriage is hard work, and it's got NOTHING to do with the list of issues in the OP!!!!

It's hard work because it requires compromise.
It's hard work because it requires communication.
It's hard work because it requires deep honesty - with yourself and your partner.
It's hard work because you live with the less-than-perfect aspects of another person.
It's hard work because it's never-ending work.
It's hard work because both people are growing and changing as the work continues.
It's hard work because there is no instruction manual.
It's hard work because it's valuable and nothing worth something is easy.



.....and that's just off of the top of my head.

great list JKiya.....


all this and more.........................

4Ever.......................................

till death do you part..................


LITERALLY................................

(that's what truly hard)

 

[Dellas]

I am not married but I can imagine it does require growth. Your momma, best friend, job,....you can leave them all behind and go home and close the door. If you have a roommate, you can go to your room and close the door. Having someone in your space and not having a place for "you" can be draining. "I imagine". So you can't come home pissed and just go to your room b/c someone will be concerned and want to talk and know what happen.... Marriage requires patience/communication/time/energy.....

 

[comike]

Living with anyone is hard work. I'm not married and have never lived with anyone aside from my parents/family when I was younger and that was hard work.

 

[wofford16]

I wonder if men work as hard in marriage as women do?

I've heard men say marriage isn't easy but I rarely hear them say its hard work

I asked my DH this question last night and amazingly enough he gave many of the answers that are posted here. The main issue for him was not being selfish anymore. His whole life he has been his main focus and to put someone else's needs and wants before his was the hardest thing for him to adjust to during the marriage. When he decided to bless me with his last name (his words not mine ) he felt such a desire to make his wife happy that this particular issue became easier to adjust to although he admits that he does still have his selfish moments.

 

[wofford16]

Let's ask Katt what he thinks about marriage...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDAZdf_c3uc&feature=related

 

[ambergirl]

Now there's the fifty million dollar question....

What you think, AmberGirl...

Girl I've never been married but I did live with someone for many years. Not the same at all, but similar challenges.

What I would say is that it seems to me that what men think are big sacrifices and what women think are sacrifices are not the same.

So many women are willing to compromise on so many things and to give over so much of themselves to the relationship and family that's it's not always a healthy situation for them even though it often seems to make the relationship work.

Most of the men I know are like....hey I'm paying bills, I wash a dish on occassion, take the wife out every now and again, play with the kids on the weekend, deal with the fact that my wife doesn't always want to have sex when I do and work real hard at not sexing other women.....I'm working hard on this relationship.

I guess where I see the difference is that there are fundamental things about who they are and what they want out of life that many women seem more likely to put on the table for negotiation, where as men tend to focus more on certain aspects of their behavior AND they seem to want to be prodded or praised all the time for things that really are just a natural part of being in relationship.

But I could be totally wrong about that so ladies feel free to add your thoughts.

 

[Bmack]

Its is hella hard, but you do thank God that you have someone who has your back. However, there are trying times-really trying when you have to remember and keep in mind why you married the person you did, and what you are trying to build together!

 

[JustKiya]

Girl I've never been married but I did live with someone for many years. Not the same at all, but similar challenges.

What I would say is that it seems to me that what men think are big sacrifices and what women think are sacrifices are not the same.

So many women are willing to compromise on so many things and to give over so much of themselves to the relationship and family that's it's not always a healthy situation for them even though it often seems to make the relationship work.

Most of the men I know are like....hey I'm paying bills, I wash a dish on occassion, take the wife out every now and again, play with the kids on the weekend, deal with the fact that my wife doesn't always want to have sex when I do and work real hard at not sexing other women.....I'm working hard on this relationship.

I guess where I see the difference is that there are fundamental things about who they are and what they want out of life that many women seem more likely to put on the table for negotiation, where as men tend to focus more on certain aspects of their behavior AND they seem to want to be prodded or praised all the time for things that really are just a natural part of being in relationship.

But I could be totally wrong about that so ladies feel free to add your thoughts.

I actually think that you are pretty on point. Women seem to tend to change who they are in a marriage. Men seem to tend to change how they behave in a marriage.

I think that's partially because of how women are socialized to martyr themselves on the altar of wife/mother, whereas men aren't really expected as husband/father to do much more than bring in money and not screw other women.

Women are expected to give up their 'outside' interests to raise children and to keep house. Men aren't.

It bothers me, honestly, and has been one of the bigger struggles on a personal level in marriage - how much of me am I willing to sacrifice to we, and how much of me am I going to firmly cling to.

 

[hopeful]

With each year I become less and less willing to sacrafice me for anyone. It used to be easy. I wanted to take care of hubby and the kids first. Now I find myself fighting for myself and my dreams the way I fought/fight for them. Still love them to pieces, want to do sweet things for them but not to my detriment anymore.

 

[neenzmj]

I have found that THE hardest thing about marriage is dealing with my own self. Marriage challenges so many unexpected areas in you and brings out some things areas you may have never known needed work. It truly makes you check yourself when you say you love that other person because to love them means to be patient (when they're getting on your nerves), to be kind (when you don't feel so kind), to be forgiving (even when you feel you're justified in your position), not to keep a record of wrongs (when you want to bring up every bad incident that happened since the beginning of the marriage.)

My husband and I have been married 14 years and by far, the hardest part of it is dealing with ME, but the good news is this: my husband also deals with himself and that is the reason the marriage is absolutely wonderful after these 14 years. It hasn't been easy all the time, but we've both grown and our relationship has been strengthened because we understand that when there's a problem, then the problem lies with us and we have to be willing not to point the finger at the other person but to look within ourselves. Now when it is actually the other person, we've had to pray and learn to let God convict that person's heart (and He always does.)

 

[hopeful]

Also want to add that dh has made many sacrafices for me as well, has compromised many times. Good husbands do not have it easy at all. Sometimes he puts up with stuff from me that I'm not sure I'd put up with.

 

[ambergirl]

I actually think that you are pretty on point. Women seem to tend to change who they are in a marriage. Men seem to tend to change how they behave in a marriage.

I think that's partially because of how women are socialized to martyr themselves on the altar of wife/mother, whereas men aren't really expected as husband/father to do much more than bring in money and not screw other women.

Women are expected to give up their 'outside' interests to raise children and to keep house. Men aren't.

It bothers me, honestly, and has been one of the bigger struggles on a personal level in marriage - how much of me am I willing to sacrifice to we, and how much of me am I going to firmly cling to.

That right there is probably why I've never been married

I have seen so many of my women friends lose themselves in a marriage. I'm not talking about the normal give and take stuff. I mean fundamentally morph themselves into another person who looks, eats, thinks, laughs, speaks, walks, differently. I've even seen some of my friends make themselves smaller as a person because their husbands couldn't handling having a smart, accomplished, thoughtful, actualized wife.

Now I'm not saying that's all marriages at all. But unfortunately as you say JustKiya both men and women are socialized to believe that women have to give ALL of themselves to the point of darn near self-destruction to hold their relationships and families together whereas a lot of men think they should get an award for paying bills and remaining faithful.

I do know a few marriages where that doesn't seem to be the case, so I'm holding out hope that maybe I can build one of those relationships for myself.

 

[darlingdiva]

With each year I become less and less willing to sacrafice me for anyone. It used to be easy. I wanted to take care of hubby and the kids first. Now I find myself fighting for myself and my dreams the way I fought/fight for them. Still love them to pieces, want to do sweet things for them but not to my detriment anymore.

This is the hardest part of marriage for me. There will always be a part of me that is just for me. Separating that part of me that belongs to me from the part of me that I share with my husband is truly a balancing act. It feels weird typing this because in marriage you are supposed to be joined together as one. I know my views on this issue will probably never change, though.

 

[ambergirl]

I'm pretty sure that psychologists argue that it's not healthy for married folks to completely merge into one. There's you, there's him, and then there's us...and it's important to retain some sense of self because it's not only healthier but it also makes the relationship have a better shot at longevity then if you tried to live in the "us" space 24/7.

 

[princessnad]

A question for the married ladies: How is the hard work of a marriage different from the effort it takes to maintain a long term relationship?

 

[michelle81]

A question for the married ladies: How is the hard work of a marriage different from the effort it takes to maintain a long term relationship?

Do you mean just dating for years, that kind of a long term relationship?

Well DH and I dated/were serious for almost 4 years before getting married. We also didn't live together for that time, or have kids together.

While dating, I knew that I could call it quits at any point, for any reason. Just little things. I would always come home to a clean house and everything would be exactly where I left it. We didn't have to worry about agreeing on parenting or finances.

Now I am with someone "til death do us part", that I have only known a short 7/8 years and we have to come to some sort of compromise on everything.

I remember buying my first house and I was single. Easy choice, I looked around, got what I liked and signed the papers.

Buying our first house together was a nightmare. As well as decorating it. Do you know how much I would love to have a purple bedroom, drapes walls and linens? He was not having that.

 

[DarkVictory]

A question for the married ladies: How is the hard work of a marriage different from the effort it takes to maintain a long term relationship?

Kind of depends on what marriage means to the two of you. IMO, marriage carries responsibility. Another person has entrusted part of his life to me. Making him unhappy is not something I would take lightly. We HAVE to work out conflicts. Whereas with a boyfriend, if he didn't like something I was doing? Oh, well.


DH offers this: "Marriage is hard because promises are hard to keep."

 

[MD_Lady]

Girl I've never been married but I did live with someone for many years. Not the same at all, but similar challenges.

What I would say is that it seems to me that what men think are big sacrifices and what women think are sacrifices are not the same.

So many women are willing to compromise on so many things and to give over so much of themselves to the relationship and family that's it's not always a healthy situation for them even though it often seems to make the relationship work.

Most of the men I know are like....hey I'm paying bills, I wash a dish on occassion, take the wife out every now and again, play with the kids on the weekend, deal with the fact that my wife doesn't always want to have sex when I do and work real hard at not sexing other women.....I'm working hard on this relationship.

I guess where I see the difference is that there are fundamental things about who they are and what they want out of life that many women seem more likely to put on the table for negotiation, where as men tend to focus more on certain aspects of their behavior AND they seem to want to be prodded or praised all the time for things that really are just a natural part of being in relationship.

But I could be totally wrong about that so ladies feel free to add your thoughts.

I don't think you're wrong at ALL and the bolded is true for a lot of people. Many women complain about the lack of reciprocity in their relationships, but continue to do much more than 50% of the compromising. I can't help but wonder why more women don't put their SO/DH's feet to the fire if their being the only/primary one tasked with "keeping the peace" is as much of a burden as they say it is. It would seem that carrying around resentment and bearing the physical and emotional impacts of that stress would be far less appealing that having dealing with a pouty SO/DH.