Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage anymore

[Ms Red]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

The last paragraph of your response is beautiful

Marriage is work. A lot of work at different times. Sometimes it's smooth sailing.

I'm happily married but I haven't always been. My husband has never cheated or abused me, he's always been supportive and loving. He always been there for me.

I agree with JLove most people don't want to work at it.

I married because I had a child and I loved DH. But mostly because I had a child. (For me) It has grown into sometimes wonderful and meaningful. I am now in love with him and look forward to the next 50 years together.

I now realize that it takes more than love to substain a marriage. It takes respect, friendship, adoration, a bond and selflessness. If both people are continuously giving, I don't think you can go wrong.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Is it always the woman who has to work through the man's issues?

It certainly seems that way. The way gender expectations are set up it seems like women are more likely to acknowledge relationship problems and want to work through it; while some men are like, my way or the highway, or I don't have any problems. How many times have you seen a man reading through a "how-to" relationship book? You know, women are supposed to teach men how to love, yada, yada, yada. Because of this, I don't think some men even know how to accept that there is a relationship problem (especially when it has to do with him) and then work to correct it for the sake of the marriage. *sigh* Then add in an environment where there's fifty-leven single women floating around looking for a husband, I guess some men figure it's not worth the work and will just find somebody else who will deal with them as they are. And the cycle begins again...

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Me me me. I have a very happy marriage. I think it because we actually married because we loved each other. Not for money or because I was pregnant or anything like that. I know this is unpopular but we decided to move in together first and see if we could actually "be happy" living together. Sometimes two people just can't live together (IMO) no matter how much in love they are. We also waited until we were both ready. It didn't matter to me that we were dating for umpteen years. I said yes to marriage when I was ready. Now my family was on me for a long time about marrying him but I did it on my time.

Alot of women have this dream about being married with kids before age 30 adn i think that's why a lot of women "settle."

I agree with this, I saw too many couples headed staright for divorce on this route

 

[FlowerHair]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Honestly, I believe many of us are too caught up on the illusion of happiness. The reality is, marriage is about two people who are the same in marriage as they were when they were single. You bring your baggage, your quirks, you issues, and whatever happiness you already had into the marriage. If you had bad days single, you will have bad days in marriage. It doesn't magically make you happy.

My marriage isn't happy all the time, and now I know not to expect it to be. There's an ebb and flow. I guess people get divorced these days because they expect to be happy all the time, feel they deserve it, and move on to the next person in search of it.

Very well said
Some people run to get a divorce as soon as some little problem occurs...

My sister is recently divorced and one of the things that irritated her with her husband is that he always had a way of saying "thank you for lunch/dinner" after she had cooked That doesn't make sense to me. She thought it made her feel obligated to cook, like a house-wife from the old days, but come onnnnn....some women would be happy to have a husband that actually said thank you sometimes! And she hated that he followed her around the house. Is that really reason for divorce?
Not in my opinion. He is a very good man, a hard worker, has taken care of her sons as well as any father would, helps her out with everything, loves her to pieces, earns a lot, doesn't drink/do drugs have any other bad habits like that. To me that's a good man, but some people need that passion 24/7/365, but in reality no marriage will be passionate all the time.

One cannot be passionately in love all the time or it would kill you!

 

[HisBestFriend]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Marriage is work. A lot of work at different times. Sometimes it's smooth sailing.

it takes more than love to substain a marriage. It takes respect, friendship, adoration, a bond and selflessness. If both people are continuously giving, I don't think you can go wrong.

I could not have said it better myself. Thanks Dlewis. I have been married to my DH for three years before then I was single for 10. During those 10 years I had proposals but I always knew that those guys weren't the ones for me. I fell in love with my DH within a week but it took a while before we got married, we had to develop those other aspects of a good marriage. And I must say I believe we have a good one.

There are days when I say "man I feel so sorry for Mr. ***, his wife sure is a B@tch." Then someone says isn't your last name *** and I say yup, I am talking about me!! My poor husband, to have to deal with me. I know I'm no picnic, but I'm growing!

Part of being good with someone is knowing who you are, I think A LOT of people don't know themselves, aren't comfortable in admitting their own flaws, everything is always someone elses fault. When I got divorced the first time it was only after I could look myself in the mirror and KNOW that I had tried everything possible to work on myself and my marriage b/c I knew I couldn't MAKE him change. Once I was certain I had tried, I split.

I don't think enough people really try anymore. My 2 cents.

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Marriage is work. A lot of work at different times. Sometimes it's smooth sailing.

I'm happily married but I haven't always been. My husband has never cheated or abused me, he's always been supportive and loving. He always been there for me.

I agree with JLove most people don't want to work at it.

I married because I had a child and I loved DH. But mostly because I had a child. (For me) It has grown into sometimes wonderful and meaningful. I am now in love with him and look forward to the next 50 years together.

I now realize that it takes more than love to substain a marriage. It takes respect, friendship, adoration, a bond and selflessness. If both people are continuously giving, I don't think you can go wrong.

Thanks for your response Dlewis


That is beautiful, I like your honest outlook on your marriage, I think undersatnding the good and bad may be key to staying together, I feel so many people brush their issues under the carpet just to maintain this image of happiness when underneath they are ready to fall apart.

 

[MrsHouston]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

hehe..

You know how they say that God is cleaning up and everyhome has to be cleaned?

I was saying that with all this stuff going on in the news about these relationships is just a sign that homes are being cleaned. I think all us unmarried folk to need to pay attention to their mistakes so we don't make them.

Exactly. I did this when I was still single. I hung out w/married (Christian) couples to get a reality of what a real marriage looks like, what pitfalls to avoid, what helped them stay together, how to cope when times get hard, etc.

I still surround myself with older married couples who can talk to me about commitment and hanging in there.

A happy marriage takes work. Are you willing to work at it when times are hard, when you don't necessary "feel" in love? Our commitment to God, praying together and keeping him at the center is what keeps my marriage HAPPY.

Don't be discouraged...it can work, with some WORK!

 

[MrsHouston]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Very well said
Some people run to get a divorce as soon as some little problem occurs...

My sister is recently divorced and one of the things that irritated her with her husband is that he always had a way of saying "thank you for lunch/dinner" after she had cooked That doesn't make sense to me. She thought it made her feel obligated to cook, like a house-wife from the old days, but come onnnnn....some women would be happy to have a husband that actually said thank you sometimes! And she hated that he followed her around the house. Is that really reason for divorce?
Not in my opinion. He is a very good man, a hard worker, has taken care of her sons as well as any father would, helps her out with everything, loves her to pieces, earns a lot, doesn't drink/do drugs have any other bad habits like that. To me that's a good man, but some people need that passion 24/7/365, but in reality no marriage will be passionate all the time.

One cannot be passionately in love all the time or it would kill you!

Very funny

 

[MissB]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I just celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary. And I must say that marriage is hard work. It is a compromise and it isn't always 50/50. I have learned that you have to pick your battles and sometimes agree to disagree.

I have noticed that a lot of people are getting divorced lately. But, I also say that the statistics are irrelevant to my household. I believe that if you love your spouse and you communicate than you can resolve issues before they escalate.

We are a Christian family and I believe that this enhances our marriage. We have members at our church that have been married for 60 years. That is definately a blessing. My parents have been married for over 40 years.

I try to "celebrate the good." And not place emphasis on "the bad." Sometimes we have to look at others to see how blessed we really are...

 

[XXXtacy]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I see happy a marriage everyday - from my parents. They've been married for 31 years, my maternal grandparents were married for 53 years before they passed and paternal grandparents have been together for 47

I think today couples don't want to work on making the marriage work. It's so easy to file for divorce instead of working things out (if possible). A girlfriend of mine got married and on her wedding day her mother told her "If it doesn't work out, I'll pay for you to get a divorce"

ITA!!!

All marriages have problems. Through out the ages, marriages (people) have had to endure all of foolishness. Nothing new under sun. We as a society need to stop putting unrealistic expectations on marriages.

 

[firecracker]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

All marriages have problems. Through out the ages, marriages (people) have had to endure all of foolishness. Nothing new under sun. We as a society need to stop putting unrealistic expectations on marriages.

Your right on!

 

[SugarBaby]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I don't think the institute of marriage is the problem. It's the fact that people go into marriage so lightly. People don't get to know each other before they get married.

People marry a cheater, a liar, a thief, an addict, an abuser, etc and wonder why the marriage failed. It's not rocket science. Past behavior is indicative of present behavior.

I also agree that people would rather quit than work through problems. Partly because working through problems includes admitting that Y-O-U maybe the problem.

WHEEEEW, You are are so right!!!...Then the killer is we are surprised when they repeat the same behavior they have done in the past!!!

 

[jasmin]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

If these people have proof of these cheaters and all the good stuff before they get married then it's a problem.

You can't change these people if you know that they are living foul and marriage (especially) after a certain point is too much hard work as it is. Why bother.

 

[SugarBaby]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Is it always the woman who has to work through the man's issues?

I think it depends who is more complete...

If you marry a man that is incomplete or at varying levels of completeness (especially moral character issues), then the woman will be always upset and unhappy.

(a man or woman could be interchanged in this scenario)

 

[DSP]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

ITA XXXtacy.

OP, I understand what you're saying, but don't glamorize the past too much. Back in the day, many unhappily married people stuck it out only because it was the thing to do. Some people were married in name only.

Over the years I've learned about old scandals in my home town and it's no better than the stuff you see now. Mr. Smith supported a mistress for years. Mrs. Jones was "accident prone" because Mr. Jones couldn't hold his liquor. The widow Baker really had a husband who went out for cigarettes one day and never came back, etc. etc.

Back when penicillin cured VD, women were expected to stand by their man no matter what. No surprise that there there were a lot of suburban housewives in the 50s, 60s & 70s who used pills and booze to get through the day. Things were just kept hush hush.

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I think my parents have a good marriage, and so do some of their friends and so do my aunt/uncles. Are their marriages perfect? Of course not! Marriage is difficult, and you will go through something, but that doesn’t mean you can’t overcome it—especially if you are committed. And it doesn’t mean that it will be what society tells you (not every man is a cheating dog). One of my uncles (my aunt is biologically related) struggled with alcoholism for years. He has been clean/sober for almost 20 years. A lot of people told my aunt to leave him, but she loved him, and he worked through his problems. Oh, and he got “clean” without using rehab or any of that kind of stuff. He’s well enough, that he could be sitting with you (or anyone) at dinner and you can order a drink, and this will not tempt him. Now if that’s not overcoming an addiction, I don’t know what is! Life is not easy, but when you are committed, you can come through anything. You have to decide what you will not tolerate at all, and stick with this.

I know that my parents love each other and are committed to each other, but does this mean everything has always been absolutely perfect? Of course not! My mother is one of the messiest people I know (but I still love you)! And my dad is pretty clean, so you can imagine that this wasn’t an easy thing to deal with. My mother was also really bad with money. She was the first college graduate in her family, and had no concept of money management (thanks to her father), whereas my dad comes from generations of successful, financially stable people. It definitely caused conflicts in the marriage, but they were committed to overcoming it together, and thankfully they have. When you are married to someone, you are merging your imperfect self with their imperfect self and becoming one imperfect connection. Oh boy, that’s scary (just typing that made me say). Anyway, I do not believe in tolerating abusive behavior (physical, emotional, sexual, cheating, drugs), but you can have a happy marriage (I believe) with an imperfect person. And marriages go in waves. There are times of loneliness, happiness, sadness, sickness, health, wealth, poverty. You have to be committed to the marriage through all these things! JMHO!

 

[dlewis]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

ITA XXXtacy.

OP, I understand what you're saying, but don't glamorize the past too much. Back in the day, many unhappily married people stuck it out only because it was the thing to do. Some people were married in name only.

Over the years I've learned about old scandals in my home town and it's no better than the stuff you see now. Mr. Smith supported a mistress for years. Mrs. Jones was "accident prone" because Mr. Jones couldn't hold his liquor. The widow Baker really had a husband who went out for cigarettes one day and never came back, etc. etc.

Back when penicillin cured VD, women were expected to stand by their man no matter what. No surprise that there there were a lot of suburban housewives in the 50s, 60s & 70s who used pills and booze to get through the day. Things were just kept hush hush.

Say it girl, say it. Women stayed because they had to.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I honestly don't know why marriages are so bad these days. However, I have a very happy marriage. And plan to keep it that way.

I don't know what I would do without my husband. He loves me so much and I really don't think I could live without that. In turn I love him and I do whatever I can to support him and make sure he is well taken care of.

That's me basically.
I think that many people aren't careful enough in choosing someone compatible and then make other mistakes inside the marriage.

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Girl, I know you're an Aquarius for real now- you sound just like me!! I was sooooo anti kids out of wedlock (for me, no disrespect to anyone). But I'm scared of chosing the wrong man.

I've put up with a lot of bs in my life and I'm not trying to do it anymore. I have a zero tolerance at this point. And too many people are out here playing games. I said to someone the other day that I really think I will seriously hurt the next person that tries to play me to the left.

yes, we are Aquarians, hehe! I meet guys these days that i just can not see myself married to. And the way people are divorceing these days makes me nervous.

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I would say that, for the most part, my parents have a happy marriage. They have been married for 30 years now, although it wasn't always that way. They went through problems with infidelity but they worked on their marriage and weathered the storm.

I'm not married, but I do think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations, like every day will be sunshine and moonbeams and roses. There may be months and months where you're not completely in sync with each other. Some people even get married based off of sexual chemistry rather than true compatibility. Some of these people may have even had rocky relationships before the marriage - with problems that were left unsolved that ultimately undo the union.

So I say that to say... I think it's really complicated. I'm not even all that convinced that all of the old folks necessarily had it right. I know too many couples who stayed married forever with all kinds of disrespect going on in the marriage, but for whatever reason, they just decided to stick with the marriage. Even "happy" marriages go through periods of unhappiness, I believe.

I agree with your post but I also believe that a lot of people want the whole image regardless of whether the marriage is perfect or not.

I find this with guys too. Many guys tell me early on that they intend to get married and are ready to rush into it after the first date I'm thinking, you don't even know me and you're talking about marriage. erplexed

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Both of my parents have remarried and each parent has been married over 30 years. Like other's, they were some problems but they each thought enough of the other person to make it work.

My marriage is dissolving but it's because I needed to grow. and that's O.K. I refused to bring kids into this world being a single woman as well. My advise would be don't wait THAT long though... My chance is probably gone...

aawww, don't say that

Actually seeing these older celebs getting married and having kids gives me hope but so many are divorcing lately. My mom had several men and I think it is hard for me to envision being married because I never really knew what that entailed except for the wedding part

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Very well said
Some people run to get a divorce as soon as some little problem occurs...

My sister is recently divorced and one of the things that irritated her with her husband is that he always had a way of saying "thank you for lunch/dinner" after she had cooked That doesn't make sense to me. She thought it made her feel obligated to cook, like a house-wife from the old days, but come onnnnn....some women would be happy to have a husband that actually said thank you sometimes! And she hated that he followed her around the house. Is that really reason for divorce?
Not in my opinion. He is a very good man, a hard worker, has taken care of her sons as well as any father would, helps her out with everything, loves her to pieces, earns a lot, doesn't drink/do drugs have any other bad habits like that. To me that's a good man, but some people need that passion 24/7/365, but in reality no marriage will be passionate all the time.


One cannot be passionately in love all the time or it would kill you!

That sounds funny, I can almost emphasize with your sister I really want some passion, can a marriage really withstand without passion?

 

[facets]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

My parents had a good marriage & my dad died last year.

It makes me laugh when ppl say happy marriage, cos I get this image of someone cheesin' all the time.

I got married at 18 the first time to my first bf. So, this was like 'wow, someone likes me.' That lasted 1.5 years and was a mess.

I've been married 5 years this time to a very different sort of man than the first. I'm also quite different too(it was 10+ years for me unmarried). Our marriage is happy but no one is grinning 24-7. It's a type of work & art/balancing act.

I have so many different random thoughts about marriage now -

*I do agree that expectations are too high.

*Men aren't women & vice versa - i think the 60s & 70s muddied the dynamic. I'm not glorifying the past but I'm not sure things have truly improved.

*Women trip about men's looks in mate selection way too much nowdays. In the end, if he's clean, attractive to you and treats you well, provides, is loyal etc. that's all you'll care about after a while. not if he's movie star 'foine' or not.

*My maternal great grandparents had an arranged marriage. Sounds crazy but theirs is(well, *was*... they've both passed on) like the family gold standard for marriages. My ggm was not in love when she married my ggf(and would tell you this) but grew to love him for how their relationship/life together evolved.. how well she was treated and supported etc.

My paternal grandparents marriage was basically arranged too and they stayed together until death.

My maternal grandparents had a 'love' marriage that was a total mess and disaster. My grandmother was blinded by the military uniform, charisma and my grandfather's alleged good looks. They finally divorced a few years ago when he remarried. They were separated for 20+ yrs.

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

My parents had a good marriage & my dad died last year.

It makes me laugh when ppl say happy marriage, cos I get this image of someone cheesin' all the time.

I got married at 18 the first time to my first bf. So, this was like 'wow, someone likes me.' That lasted 1.5 years and was a mess.

I've been married 5 years this time to a very different sort of man than the first. I'm also quite different too(it was 10+ years for me unmarried). Our marriage is happy but no one is grinning 24-7. It's a type of work & art/balancing act.

I have so many different random thoughts about marriage now -

*I do agree that expectations are too high.

*Men aren't women & vice versa - i think the 60s & 70s muddied the dynamic. I'm not glorifying the past but I'm not sure things have truly improved.

*Women trip about men's looks in mate selection way too much nowdays. In the end, if he's clean, attractive to you and treats you well, provides, is loyal etc. that's all you'll care about after a while. not if he's movie star 'foine' or not.

*My maternal great grandparents had an arranged marriage. Sounds crazy but theirs is(well, *was*... they've both passed on) like the family gold standard for marriages. My ggm was not in love when she married my ggf(and would tell you this) but grew to love him for how their relationship/life together evolved.. how well she was treated and supported etc.

My paternal grandparents marriage was basically arranged too and they stayed together until death.

My maternal grandparents had a 'love' marriage that was a total mess and disaster. My grandmother was blinded by the military uniform, charisma and my grandfather's alleged good looks. They finally divorced a few years ago when he remarried. They were separated for 20+ yrs.

Thanks for this post Kay, can you elaborate on your comment about the 60's and 70's muddling the dynamic?

I do think people have high expectations. But some refer to marriages having problems back in the day but people staying together anyway. Maybe it is the idea of marriage itself that isn't working If there was always problems and people are just feeling more comfortable getting out than maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with it? Or maybe with society changing so much maybe the institution of marriage is becoming antiquated?

 

[facets]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Thanks for this post Kay, can you elaborate on your comment about the 60's and 70's muddling the dynamic?

I do think people have high expectations. But some refer to marriages having problems back in the day but people staying together anyway. Maybe it is the idea of marriage itself that isn't working If there was always problems and people are just feeling more comfortable getting out than maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with it? Or maybe with society changing so much maybe the institution of marriage is becoming antiquated?

I do think a lot of abuse/dysfunction and incompatiblity & boredom was hidden back in the day under obligation & social shame/keeping up appearances.

OTOH i think maybe pol were more realistic?

It seems that after feminism and the sensitive male(I'm not saying guys should be hard & cold but I thinking of that wimpy overly-feminized...& sometimes false persona that some men have) things are in a whirlwind.

*Many women are looking for husbands to be their best friends. Like Paris and Nicole 'besties'..LOL.

*It's unclear how to negotiate relps and even dates.. who pays for what, to open the car door or not/ help with coat or not. etc.

*Women pursuing men during the dating/courtship phase.

*Many women wanting a fab wedding, being princess/queen for a day and the man is just there. Like that Seinfeld joke about the tuxedos?

*The assumption by some that the woman will work outside the home and carry part or even half of the financial burden. (I'm not talking about emergencies but just as a rule.)

*The idea of 'soulmates' and that the man and woman are going to be everything to each other(sun moon stars... mama, daddy, 'joker' in the alley). Can we say burnout?

*Co-habitation(aka shacking) and children outside of marriage might be devaluing marriage in some ways?

Jewelle, I think you have some great questions - sometimes I do feel that maybe the practice of marriage could be going through some kind of metamorphosis. I'm very day-by-day about mine. I pray for the best & I'm grateful for how things have gone so far but ultimately I don't know why some succeed and others fall apart.

 

[Radianthealth]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

DH and I talked about this after watching Meet the Faith on BET. They gave a statistic that 70% of African-American marraiges end in divorce.

I don't see this as a big deal, My grandmother stayed with my physically abusive grandfather until he died. My DH's great grandparents never divorced even though they slept in different rooms and lived like roommates.

I think there have always been unhappy marraiges, people are just more willing to get a divorce now-a-days.

The world is also much smaller with the internet and less rural communities... so there is a better chance of finding another spouse than there was generations ago.

Also divorce is more easily accepted now-a-days.

I don't see divorce as such a big deal if it isn't working for you and it is in the best interest of the family that two people go their separate ways then more power to them

I have an extremely happy marraige we have been together for 8 years and married for over a year. We argue but it is no big deal... the good times far outweigh the bad

 

[Impresaria]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Jewelle, I feel you. I am married, but I am divorcing. It' a surreal feeling to be "out here" because I have been with my husband since I was 18. I am going to be honest here, I MADE THE WRONG DECISION. I was young and in love with love, once I got to REALLY know my husband, I seen that I really didn't like him at all. I think a lot of marriages fail because people fall in love with an image, or they look at the potential versus reality. What I have done is forgiven myself for not knowing any better, and forgiven him. That said, though, I am moving on, and I am excited about the possibility of being married again. All in all, I haven't given up on love or marriage. I think though, that people need to face the facts when they get married for the wrong reasons and are totally incompatible, that divorce shouldn't be a surprise when it comes. Ideally, yes, I could trudge on another 20 years making this mess look good, but why?

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

I do think a lot of abuse/dysfunction and incompatiblity & boredom was hidden back in the day under obligation & social shame/keeping up appearances.

OTOH i think maybe pol were more realistic?

It seems that after feminism and the sensitive male(I'm not saying guys should be hard & cold but I thinking of that wimpy overly-feminized...& sometimes false persona that some men have) things are in a whirlwind.

*Many women are looking for husbands to be their best friends. Like Paris and Nicole 'besties'..LOL.

*It's unclear how to negotiate relps and even dates.. who pays for what, to open the car door or not/ help with coat or not. etc.

*Women pursuing men during the dating/courtship phase.

*Many women wanting a fab wedding, being princess/queen for a day and the man is just there. Like that Seinfeld joke about the tuxedos?

*The assumption by some that the woman will work outside the home and carry part or even half of the financial burden. (I'm not talking about emergencies but just as a rule.)

*The idea of 'soulmates' and that the man and woman are going to be everything to each other(sun moon stars... mama, daddy, 'joker' in the alley). Can we say burnout?

*Co-habitation(aka shacking) and children outside of marriage might be devaluing marriage in some ways?

Jewelle, I think you have some great questions - sometimes I do feel that maybe the practice of marriage could be going through some kind of metamorphosis. I'm very day-by-day about mine. I pray for the best & I'm grateful for how things have gone so far but ultimately I don't know why some succeed and others fall apart.

Thanks for breaking it down Kay

ITA with you, times are really changing and relationships can be awkward I wish you much success in yours, you have a beautiful family

 

[JewelleNY]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

Jewelle, I feel you. I am married, but I am divorcing. It' a surreal feeling to be "out here" because I have been with my husband since I was 18. I am going to be honest here, I MADE THE WRONG DECISION. I was young and in love with love, once I got to REALLY know my husband, I seen that I really didn't like him at all. I think a lot of marriages fail because people fall in love with an image, or they look at the potential versus reality. What I have done is forgiven myself for not knowing any better, and forgiven him. That said, though, I am moving on, and I am excited about the possibility of being married again. All in all, I haven't given up on love or marriage. I think though, that people need to face the facts when they get married for the wrong reasons and are totally incompatible, that divorce shouldn't be a surprise when it comes. Ideally, yes, I could trudge on another 20 years making this mess look good, but why?

Thanks for responding SpicedTee, I am sorry to hear of your divorce
I like your positive attitude, maybe the key is to not give up

Are you and DH still friends? How is he taking the divorce?

 

[MuseofTroy]

Re: Marriage, Divorce, Cheaters, Spousal Abuse! Does anyone have a happy marriage any

All of these threads about marriages gone south is really discouraging to me. I see these marriages that look great on the outside but are full of turmoil and nonsense on the inside.

Does anyone have a really happy marriage anymore or is the image of a happy marriage what everyone is after? Why are people marrying? Are we a society that is so caught up on images and materialism that we are all so empty inside?

I feel I may never get married because I see these signs early on and get out while I can. Do women settle or turn a blind eye just to have the money, status, children, etc?

Does anyone have the answer?

Aww dont' feel discourage...Use this opprotunity to learn from the mistakes of others. The primary reason why so many people are getting divorced these days is because they have unrealistic expectations, they are not honest about what they want, lack of communication, and are getting married for the wrong reasons. When you decide to get married, evaluate your husband for his character. Love and romance is nice but that goes through stages. Will this person be there for you if you get sick with cancer or some other awful disease? Is this individual a person of character? Does he have integrity, financial sensibility, and most importantly does he respect you? Most people don't think of those things when getting married. They are too focused on the physical aspect of the relationship or what the person can do for them financially which is why these marriages end up in divorce.