Making The First Move...yay Or Nay?

Godsdaughter001

Godsdaughter001

Well-Known Member
I'm curious...are you the type of woman who believes in making the first move? Or...do you believe in waiting for the man to approach you first? Ladies who are in relationships (married/engaged/LTR) how did you and your honey get together? Did you make the first move or did he?

With me, we met at an event thrown by a mutual friend. We were seated next to each other..or rather he sat next to me. We talked casually, nothing serious. At the end of the evening, he gave me his business card and I emailed him....two months later. After the third email, he asked me out to lunch. We went out on a date and ten years later...the rest is history.
 
Godsdaughter001 said:
I'm curious...are you the type of woman who believes in making the first move?
Click to expand...
No

Or...do you believe in waiting for the man to approach you first?
Click to expand...
Yes

Ladies who are in relationships (married/engaged/LTR) how did you and your honey get together? Did you make the first move or did he?
Click to expand...
N/A

Godsdaughter001 said:
With me, we met at an event thrown by a mutual friend. We were seated next to each other..or rather he sat next to me. We talked casually, nothing serious. At the end of the evening, he gave me his business card and I emailed him....two months later. After the third email, he asked me out to lunch. We went out on a date and ten years later...the rest is history.
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I asked him out on our first date. He was clearly interested, but we worked different schedules. One day I was just like "wanna go out after work?" And he just so happened to have the night off. 8 months or so later we were engaged.

This was a first for me, but it made me feel so sexy and powerful. We are going on 5 years now.
 
hopeful said:
the bolded Really? :lol: I love it. Eye game and a pretty smile is the one two punch :yep:
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@hopeful

Sometimes you can tell him to come git it without saying a word.
url

But they don't hear me tho.
 
I encouraged my friend to do similar to the above, except the e-mail was a follow-up to the event that they both attended. Not sure if it qualifies as the first move lol.

Anyway, I don't make the first move. If you cannot "man up" and approach me first. Then I'm not the type of woman you'll want to be in a relationship with.

I believe that even the most introverted man will approach the woman he wants.
 
Godsdaughter001 said:
I'm curious...are you the type of woman who believes in making the first move? No

Or...do you believe in waiting for the man to approach you first? Yes

Ladies who are in relationships (married/engaged/LTR) how did you and your honey get together? Did you make the first move or did he? Not in a relationship.
Click to expand...

Responses in green.

I firmly believe that if a man wants to be with you then he will approach you. If I've given all the eye contact in the world, smiling, trying to engage in a conversation and he still doesn't say anything then I move on. I'm not going to force a man to speak to me. I've had friends say most guys are just really shy around me but at this point, I don't believe that crap anymore.

On the other hand, my aunt asked out her husband (been married for 30 something years now) when they were still in college. She was tired of her friends telling her that he liked her but couldn't approach so she took matters into her own hands, LOL
 
I use to be the first move girl. I have leadership, type A personality so I didn't mind. It brought me nothing but indecisive cheaters.
Now- I sit back and let a man wait to show me he is interested. I want him to do the work before I give up my goods (not sex- loyalty, compassion, womanly caring). So far in the past 2.5 years that I was single- most guys out here wouldn't put in the effort. My SO really stepped up to the plate and that is why I am with him. He approached me uniquely, contacted me daily and pursued me. From I love you to talking about marriage, he is the one that brought it all up. And even when I didn't say I love you back, he still said it- for weeks. Pretty patient if you ask me.
 
Godsdaughter001 said:
I'm curious...are you the type of woman who believes in making the first move?
Click to expand...
No.

Or...do you believe in waiting for the man to approach you first?
Click to expand...
Yes. :yep:

Ladies who are in relationships (married/engaged/LTR) how did you and your honey get together? Did you make the first move or did he?
Click to expand...
N/A I'm still single at the moment, but if I WERE married, engaged or in a serious relationship, I would prefer that the man pursued me or initiated things. :yep:

To clarify....

While I am a self-proclaimed "Rules Girl", the main reason why I don't usually initiate, make the first move, or pursue men is not really due to a set of rules or guidelines that I adhere to, but MAINLY simply because:

1) I have found that it just doesn't WORK (for me)
I'm not going to even deny that making the first move or chasing after a man works...for SOME women. Some women can be VERY obvious with their interest in men, even going so far as to make all kinds of first moves and still end up snagging the guy. :yep: But I must not be those types of women :look: ,because anytime I personally chased after a guy, asked for his number first, approached HIM first, or made my interest in him TOO obvious before he showed obvious signs to me first, it ALWAYS ALWAYS ended up either making me anxious about the relationship (is he REALLY interested??), having a guy who is super hot/cold and wishy washy, or just plain backfiring in my face. :nono: I even have a recent experience where friends were trying to hook me up with this dude/friend we all mutually know, and I was being super friendly, and yet again..... Backfired. :wallbash: Now the guy acts awkward around me anytime he sees me. :rolleyes:

So, experience over the years has just shown ME that I must not be that type of woman who can go chase after a guy or make the first move and have it go well for me. :nono:

I much prefer to sit back, be friendly, be warm, and inviting, but let the MAN make all of the first initial moves from jump. :yep:

I feel MUCH more feminine, secure, happy, and attractive when I'm in the receiving role, as opposed to in the "let's make something happen" role.


2) I have ample evidence of men who were outgoing (AND shy) being able to do something to show me that they were interested.
Over the years my own personal experience, and even the experience of others has shown me that when/if a man REALLY likes a woman, he WILL do something to show that interest. :yep: It may take a while for the interest in her to be known...but she WILL eventually know something down the line.

Even the shyest most socially-awkward guys have been "man enough" to let their interest in me be known by at least getting my phone number. One guy was so shy and socially inept, he had to get his friend to ask ME for my number in a sly way lol... :giggle:

So yea....overall, I prefer to let the man make the first move. :yep: If making the first move worked for me, then maybe I would do it more often, but even then, I really do prefer the man to show me he is interested before I reciprocate anything obvious. :look:
 
Not being shady, but I wonder about the trope of unsolicited pursuit being a signal of the man's worthiness. Buma$$ dudes approach every chick because the odds are somebody will eventually say yes.

I subscribe to the Art of Seduction's philosophy that it's better to select a target to snare than leaving a net unattended and hoping the right fish gets caught.

Thoughts?
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Not being shady, but I wonder about the trope of unsolicited pursuit being a signal of the man's worthiness. Buma$$ dudes approach every chick because the odds are somebody will eventually say yes.

I subscribe to the Art of Seduction's philosophy that it's better to select a target to snare than leaving a net unattended and hoping the right fish gets caught.

Thoughts?
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i agree with you; i think that's an incorrect conclusion to draw.

i think it's preferable not because it means the man is better but more the lack of a man's pursuit makes you more likely to end up with the kind of guy who just goes along with things rather than doing them because he wants to. i have seen a lot of guys who end up in relationships just because the girl wanted it and they were ambivalent. i am personally very concerned about not being with someone who is ambivalent about me, so not being the aggressor should help me avoid that type.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Not being shady, but I wonder about the trope of unsolicited pursuit being a signal of the man's worthiness. Buma$$ dudes approach every chick because the odds are somebody will eventually say yes.

I subscribe to the Art of Seduction's philosophy that it's better to select a target to snare than leaving a net unattended and hoping the right fish gets caught.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...

You sound like a seductress. Big difference between that and chasing/thirst. There's a difference between a come hither stare and chasing a man down IMO. A difference between grazing a man's arm and giving him your business card and saying call me. A difference between being sexy and alluring and stalking:look:.
 
hopeful said:
You sound like a seductress. Big difference between that and chasing/thirst. There's a difference between a come hither stare and chasing a man down IMO. A difference between grazing a man's arm and giving him your business card and saying call me. A difference between being sexy and alluring and stalking:look:.
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That's true, there is a BIG difference lol. :lol:

Now what about us Christian women??? We can't be giving every brother the "come hither" or "bedroom eyes" (they'd probably run away scared lol :lachen: ) or be rubbing up on the arms of some man in the congregation.....:look: :look:

How does a Christian woman express interest in a man without being too "seductive"?? :ohwell: :look: Don't want to stumble anybody lol... :giggle:
 
Hey Christian women can be sexy. I'm a Christian:yep:. I'll speak for myself. And no, I'm not a seductress either, but I know how to cast out line. Also, how to take a hint and move on too. How to have dignity. But a come hither look is not a come do me look I want to have sex with you look (at least not for me). IMO nothing to do with the bedroom. It's being fun and light, owning that you are beautiful and attractive and it's kind of like what's up, I think you're kind of cute. Now what you gonna do? Lol. But that's me. And I'm married so yeah not about that life. But IMO flirting in church service, uhm no:nono:. But at a church picnic or at a service project no harm in being friendly and inviting toward a single dude. Dressing femininely, smelling lovely, owning being a woman. Continuing to pay attention to him if he seems disinterested or has his eye on another lady is not cute. Thinking you have to try harder, not cute. Being aggressive or overtly sexual with someone who isn't a love interest, not cute either IMO. You can't touch brother Johnson's arm at the picnic though? You can't ask him to help you pick up something heavy? Ask him to escort you to your car if it's dark outside?

But I think @Crackers Phinn might be able to give better advice than me. I'm a little rusty.
 
Years ago I would have said "absolutely not" to making the first move. Now things have changed a bit.

I don't ask men out, I don't ask for their number, and I don't chase men. However, I'm not against introducing myself in certain situations and starting a very short, casual conversation before walking away. I'm just used to it now. I like meeting new people and feel the need to know everyone in the room. If he's interested, he'll find me and continue the conversation. If he's not... life goes on. I don't make it obvious to him that there is interest on my end so maybe it's not really making the first move?
 
hopeful said:
Hey Christian women can be sexy. I'm a Christian:yep:. I'll speak for myself. And no, I'm not a seductress either, but I know how to cast out line. Also, how to take a hint and move on too. How to have dignity. But a come hither look is not a come do me look I want to have sex with you look (at least not for me). IMO nothing to do with the bedroom. It's being fun and light, owning that you are beautiful and attractive and it's kind of like what's up, I think you're kind of cute. Now what you gonna do? Lol. But that's me. And I'm married so yeah not about that life. But IMO flirting in church service, uhm no:nono:. But at a church picnic or at a service project no harm in being friendly and inviting toward a single dude. Dressing femininely, smelling lovely, owning being a woman. Continuing to pay attention to him if he seems disinterested or has his eye on another lady is not cute. Thinking you have to try harder, not cute. Being aggressive or overtly sexual with someone who isn't a love interest, not cute either IMO. You can't touch brother Johnson's arm at the picnic though? You can't ask him to help you pick up something heavy? Ask him to escort you to your car if it's dark outside?

But I think @Crackers Phinn might be able to give better advice than me. I'm a little rusty.
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Thanks for the tips for Christian women @hopeful & @Crackers Phinn ! Good advice! :yep: And no.....I would definitely not be trying out those "tips" during church services! :look: :lol:

I think my problem however is that I'm just not the flirty/flirtatious type honestly. I can be fun and playful, but I just can't bring myself to act "flirty" around a man that I have NO idea if he's even interested in me at all.... :nono: Let's just say, I've crashed and burned way too many times in the past (thought a guy was interested and turns out he WASN'T :look:) that I don't even want to "cast a line" out there anymore. :nono: I've become kind of closed off honestly. :ohwell:

Even asking a guy to help me pick something heavy or escort me outside is just not me.... :giggle: I can do it if I'm NOT interested in the guy, but a guy I'm interested in?? I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel so phony, and I would feel like the guy would see right through it. I've had my hopes let down one too many times in the past.

Now if a guy has shown me some obvious interested signals already in the PAST....then I will definitely be more open to showing more obvious signs of interest :eyebrows2: But after my past experiences (and even the recent experience I just went through), I think I'm just over showing interest in a man FIRST when he hasn't really shown any OBVIOUS (not just "friendly") interest in me. :nono: I'm through....lol.... :lol: Guys need to step up to the plate and actually SHOW a woman something.... I'm more so talking about Christian men......:confused: Christian dating is a whole different ball-game.... :ohwell: I think the main difference (aside from chaste/purity differences of course) is that most Christians are SUPPOSED to be "nice" and "friendly" and "personable" with others, so a lot of times Christian singles can get the "wrong impression" and think someone might be interested, but they're just being "friendly". :rolleyes:
 
TwistedRoots said:
I've always been bold but with my now fiance I didn't have to be...he did EVERYTHING and it was lovely. No games no anything pure attraction, dedication, and commitment from jump. Engaged 5 months later. As far as the previous sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't...I wasn't the marrying type until now tho...so meh.:look: :lol:
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I think this is ideal.

@Crystalicequeen123
I understand. I generally believe it is best when the man takes the lead. I was just giving some suggestions because of the direction the thread took. And if that's what you feel most comfortable with then that is likely the best way for you.

But, from reading your post I think you may be too invested and too sensitive about the whole flirting thing and men in general. For you the flirting seems to be this really big thing, like a declaration. Why can't flirting just be flirting? And I don't understand how you can really like anyone who isn't pursuing you or interested. So what I'm saying is that if you are flirting, it should be light and fun. You are flirting because you can and because you find him attractive or a good potential, but that's it. You shouldn't really like like anyone until you are engaging in a really meaningful relationship. In other words your interest should be on the surface level and his response to you should not be that deep either. So he walks you to your car and he's very business-like, doesn't seem honored that you asked him to walk you to your car, doesn't show interest. You drop it, move on, and on to the next. I hope that makes sense. And if they do take the bait, that's cool, but you aren't over the moon because you ain't know him like that yet. I don't care how nice or cool he seems to be from observation :nono:, until he is consistently sweet and nice to YOU in a romantic way, he hasn't proved himself worthy of a space in your heart. It's like you like them too much too soon, build them up too much in your head. The flirting is as much about you as them. You are showing fun, light interest. You are also enjoying just being you, fun, sexy, confident, and happy.

All that said, everyone isn't the flirtatious type. Flirting should be fun and not this big thing. No one should be able to crush you just because you flirted with them.
 
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I initiated conversation first. Just asked a question.

He did the manly things.

He asked me out. He proposed.

Other than bums on the street or drunk bar/party environments, I don't believe most guys initiate without some kind of signal (eye contact, smile, conversation, touch, etc. ) like some are hinting at. Most women "initiate" indirectly in some way.
 
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Crackers Phinn said:
Not being shady, but I wonder about the trope of unsolicited pursuit being a signal of the man's worthiness. Buma$$ dudes approach every chick because the odds are somebody will eventually say yes.

I subscribe to the Art of Seduction's philosophy that it's better to select a target to snare than leaving a net unattended and hoping the right fish gets caught.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
That is were multiple dating comes in. His introduction shows that he is interested in you so now you know. That's all you know until he starts doing other things. In the meantime you have other men in your selection to possibly choose from. Who said I must get into a relationship (become loyal, etc) just because he asked me out.
CaraWalker said:
i agree with you; i think that's an incorrect conclusion to draw.

i think it's preferable not because it means the man is better but more the lack of a man's pursuit makes you more likely to end up with the kind of guy who just goes along with things rather than doing them because he wants to. i have seen a lot of guys who end up in relationships just because the girl wanted it and they were ambivalent. i am personally very concerned about not being with someone who is ambivalent about me, so not being the aggressor should help me avoid that type.
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Exactly, I want a guy who clearly wants me and as time passes he still feels that way and I will let him know with time if I too feel that way.
 
bubbles12345 said:
I initiated conversation first. Just asked a question.

He did the manly things.

He asked me out. He proposed.

Other than bums on the street or drunk bar/party environments, I don't believe most guys initiate without some kind of signal (eye contact, smile, conversation, touch, etc. ) like some are hinting at. Most women "initiate" indirectly in some way.
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To me, him asking you out was the first move but I don't know the details.
 
hopeful said:
I think this is ideal.

@Crystalicequeen123
I understand. I generally believe it is best when the man takes the lead. I was just giving some suggestions because of the direction the thread took. And if that's what you feel most comfortable with then that is likely the best way for you.

But, from reading your post I think you may be too invested and too sensitive about the whole flirting thing and men in general. For you the flirting seems to be this really big thing, like a declaration. Why can't flirting just be flirting? And I don't understand how you can really like anyone who isn't pursuing you or interested. So what I'm saying is that if you are flirting, it should be light and fun. You are flirting because you can and because you find him attractive or a good potential, but that's it. You shouldn't really like like anyone until you are engaging in a really meaningful relationship. In other words your interest should be on the surface level and his response to you should not be that deep either. So he walks you to your car and he's very business-like, doesn't seem honored that you asked him to walk you to your car, doesn't show interest. You drop it, move on, and on to the next. I hope that makes sense. And if they do take the bait, that's cool, but you aren't over the moon because you ain't know him like that yet. I don't care how nice or cool he seems to be from observation :nono:, until he is consistently sweet and nice to YOU in a romantic way, he hasn't proved himself worthy of a space in your heart. It's like you like them too much too soon, build them up too much in your head. The flirting is as much about you as them. You are showing fun, light interest. You are also enjoying just being you, fun, sexy, confident, and happy.

All that said, everyone isn't the flirtatious type. Flirting should be fun and not this big thing. No one should be able to crush you just because you flirted with them.
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@hopeful

Yea I definitely understand what you're saying. :yep: And you're right, it should just be light and fun and not mean too much. But in the Christian world, even flirting is kind of frowned upon, so maybe that's why I'm kind of hesitant at it. It's not so much that I'm falling head over heels for guys who aren't interested lol, it's that in the "Christian World", things go a little slower (I guess is the best way I can describe it), and so sometimes guys (brothers) ARE showing what one would THINK would be "interested" signals, but then when you show interest signs back (being friendly, flirty, playful, etc.) some of them run away scared, or think you MEANT more about it than you did! :wallbash: In other words, it's not a proposal for marriage, but because marriage usually IS looked upon seriously, so is dating, courtship, etc. I can see the hesitance. Hence why I said that the Christian world is a totally different ballgame altogether.... :nono:

That's why these days I'm like whatever lol.... :lol: If a Christian man wants me, a MATURE Christian man knows how to go after what he wants. :yep: Some Christian men can be attracted to you, or like your personality, but not want a relationship necessarily WITH you...and I think this is what is going on in my case sometimes. Hence...the switch-up sometimes.

So, the way I get rid of that "confusion" :dizzy: is to just not give any signs other than general "friendliness"...:look: It's hard to explain lol.. Maybe I should have written this on the Christian forum. Sorry...didn't mean to derail anything in the thread... :look:
 
Again, I am a Christian too:yep:. I guess we just see things differently. Or maybe you are just more devout than me. Or maybe the men you are around are different than the men I've been around. Idk. I do remember Bunny years ago talking about how the church isn't always the most helpful in assisting young black women with finding appropriate mates and navigating the dating or courting world. To some degree the church seems to ignore women's needs, especially black women's romantic needs. And I'm talking about the church as an institution not Christianity, the religion. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you romantically. And no problem with asking a question.
 
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