Make him think it is his idea....

[AstroQueen77]

I've heard this again and again from older women. Most say that this is the only way that they will get their needs met in the relationshiperplexed. Seems like a lot of work to me. If someone is that hard headed not to consider me, I don't think I would want to be with them.

Anyway, how exactly would one pull this? Do you mention what you want without asking him? Do you whisper things to him while he sleeps LOL ? School me.

 

[Spiffy]

I think DLewis, or maybe someone else, started a thread about how to help a man take care of the household. I think what you mentioned was a huge factor in that thread's message.

 

[Sasha299]

Making him think its his idea is not a strange idea. There are somethings we as women know more than men but they generally have more fragile egos so instead of hammering your point home you make them think that things are their ideas.

Eg DH thinks its a great idea for us (including my 16 month old who is still wearing 12 month old clothes) to spend Memorial day with his sister and her 2 out of control dogs. Instead of telling him that his sister is inconsiderate and I will not let DS near any of her dogs until he's at least 10 years old, I said how wonderful it would be to go to Block Island and how the baby will love the beach. He thought it was all his idea and that he was surprising me, even planned the whole stay - leaving tonight AND I did not have to go shopping for food. That way he does not have to choose between me and his blood and I get what I want without saying it.

 

[HoneyA]

I realised what this means. I found it out by accident.

I'm not going to go into the gory details lol but basically, you know you really want something and a guy (doesn't have to be a SO either, it's just a guy thing) says no, or at least he does at first. You say okay, cool. Do not even try to clash about it. He'll just put up more resistance and you'll end up arguing.

You got two choices. You either say oh yeah, you were right all along and you say why you think he's right or you actually talk about what it is that you really want but in a way that makes him look good. It has to be sincere though. Then you just drop the subject and never bring it up again.

Then miraculously he comes up with the same thing a few weeks later like it was all his idea.

Then you just beam and say, "really? wow, what a surprise, I'm really happy about that".

He feels good, I got what I wanted and he's happy I'm happy. Everyone is happy.

Works for me...

 

[Transformer]

OK....I'm going to put it there straight with NO CHASER. Secret to a sucessful, long marriage. Make them think it's their idea, or F**K them first before you propose something you really want to do....it just makes life so much simpler.

My sister married three years before me and I clearly remember her saying one day when were planning something,...." Oh, but this means I going to have to f**k him first." Years later, I understood.

Now, I am a very assertive woman with her own means...but I stop trying to put out a fire with kerosene years ago and just resort to "womanly charms." I look at it as a "power tool." You know, he really appreciates this. In his mind, he's won also.

 

[ladysaraii]

I've heard this again and again from older women. Most say that this is the only way that they will get their needs met in the relationshiperplexed. Seems like a lot of work to me. If someone is that hard headed not to consider me, I don't think I would want to be with them.

Anyway, how exactly would one pull this? Do you mention what you want without asking him? Do you whisper things to him while he sleeps LOL ? School me.

I constantly struggle w/ this idea. I hope I get it by the time I get into a relationship. Sometimes it just seems easier to be single and keep it moving.

 

[Transformer]

I constantly struggle w/ this idea. I hope I get it by the time I get into a relationship. Sometimes it just seems easier to be single and keep it moving.

Didn't read the other thread, but the cases I'm talking about isn't really about personal needs. It's about peripheral choices...you want the green sofa and he only sees brown.....you rather visit each family for two days instead of the full 7 days and THEN go somewhere else and really enjoy your vacation. You want the air jetted tub with chromotherapy and heated back rest and he just wants a tub!

To me it's the "art of compromise" when there isn't a really right answer.

 

[dlewis]

OK....I'm going to put it there straight with NO CHASER. Secret to a sucessful, long marriage. Make them think it's their idea, or F**K them first before you propose something you really want to do....it just makes life so much simpler.

My sister married three years before me and I clearly remember her saying one day when were planning something,...." Oh, but this means I going to have to f**k him first." Years later, I understood.

Now, I am a very assertive woman with her own means...but I stop trying to put out a fire with kerosene years ago and just resort to "womanly charms." I look at it as a "power tool." You know, he really appreciates this. In his mind, he's won also.

I was just telling my friendgirl yest (she's having problems getting her way) by the way, she newly married, only been married a little over a year.....

Anyway, she said she tried telling him nicely and he didn't respond. I said have you tried lovemaking, afterwards while pillow-talking trying mentioning "Honey, this has been so heavy on my heart , I can't stop thinking about it..........." (which is true - she's not lying .... I think that would prob work).

This is my same friend in the starting conflict over endtable thread. I told her when she was telling me her issue with her husband "see if I really wanted DH to be ok with those endtables all I would have do is wake up one morning and say "I can't stop thinking about those endtables, I dream about them every night. I really want those tables. I wish you could live with them." Like that he would have kissed me and said "Whatever you want baby". And there it is.

 

[dlewis]

Didn't read the other thread, but the cases I'm talking about isn't really about personal needs. It's about peripheral choices...you want the green sofa and he only sees brown.....you rather visit each family for two days instead of the full 7 days and THEN go somewhere else and really enjoy your vacation. You want the air jetted tub with chromotherapy and heated back rest and he just wants a tub!

To me it's the "art of compromise" when there isn't a really right answer.

I posted this in another thread.

I agree with that Hell, I'm agreeing with alot of yall.

Just a quick story, something my daughter picked up on:

My husband wanted a new truck, he had his mind set on black. I really like the color called blue granite. I agree with everything he said while I told my daughter I really like the color blue granite. Well when he was looking through the book picking out interior colors I sat down with him and said you really would look good is this color (blue granite) and I know blue is your favorite color. But black is cool, just a little common. That's all I said. Later (days later) He said he wanted to get the blue granite truck because is was usual. My daughter looked at me and I gave her that look that she knows (you know the look moma gives when you need to shut up).

Later she said that's the color you wanted anyway moma. She was confused but she'll learn.

 

[dlewis]

I realised what this means. I found it out by accident.

I'm not going to go into the gory details lol but basically, you know you really want something and a guy (doesn't have to be a SO either, it's just a guy thing) says no, or at least he does at first. You say okay, cool. Do not even try to clash about it. He'll just put up more resistance and you'll end up arguing.

You got two choices. You either say oh yeah, you were right all along and you say why you think he's right or you actually talk about what it is that you really want but in a way that makes him look good. It has to be sincere though. Then you just drop the subject and never bring it up again.

Then miraculously he comes up with the same thing a few weeks later like it was all his idea.

Then you just beam and say, "really? wow, what a surprise, I'm really happy about that".

He feels good, I got what I wanted and he's happy I'm happy. Everyone is happy.

Works for me...

We had this issue recently. I order color swatches for getting my livingroom set reupholster When they came in I settled on the two I wanted to use (black and a bold pattern). Later that evening after I woke up from my nap I laid them out and called him in and asked which set he liked. He picks out the boring set. I said, "what about this" (the colors I wanted to use). He said "people don't have black sofas". I said "we are not like other people". We talked about something else and ended up back on the fabric selection. He said "I really like this (the colors I wanted to use) it's very different". erplexed

 

[mrselle]

I got this advice from an older woman when I was in my early 20's. At the time I thought it was the worst piece of advice to give a person, but after a couple years of marriage I found out what she meant and it is wonderful advice and after nine years of marriage it still works and he has no idea. I have the things I want and he gets to walk around with his chest poked out thinking he is the smartest man in the world who is really running his household.

 

[Transformer]

We had this issue recently. I order color swatches for getting my livingroom set reupholster When they came in I settled on the two I wanted to use (black and a bold pattern). Later that evening after I woke up from my nap I laid them out and called him in and asked which set he liked. He picks out the boring set. I said, "what about this" (the colors I wanted to use). He said "people don't have black sofas". I said "we are not like other people". We talked about something else and ended up back on the fabric selection. He said "I really like this (the colors I wanted to use) it's very different". erplexed

OT:
DLewis,

OK , but Black and Yellow will reflect dirt faster than shades of white.

 

[growth2come]

I could learn a thing or two about this cause sometimes getting me way seems like a lot of hard work.

 

[dlewis]

OT:
DLewis,

OK , but Black and Yellow will reflect dirt faster than shades of white.

He said that too. hmmmm. I guess it'll just be my room he can have the den.

Maybe I can use one of those lint rollers often.

 

[itismehmmkay]

This has worked for me. Sometimes it's hard to find that groove though so I'm working on making it consistent.

Another thing: When I'm real quiet and sweet things magically happen too.

 

[phynestone]

I've heard about this too. I guess I'll have to try it one day.

Dlewis, I really enjoy your stories. I learn so much from you.

 

[dlewis]

This has worked for me. Sometimes it's hard to find that groove though so I'm working on making it consistent.

Another thing: When I'm real quiet and sweet things magically happen too.

I believe every woman needs to find what works for her and her man. Some men do fine with you being honest, others may need good sex before you approach him with your issue, others may need a little tears while others just need a little sugar on top of the question/ request.

 

[mrselle]

I believe every woman needs to find what works for her and her man. Some men do fine with you being honest, others may need good sex before you approach him with your issue, others may need a little tears while others just need a little sugar on top of the question/ request.

Absolutely. What works for someone else may not work for another. My husband is a logical person and thinks that most things are or should be cut and dry. He is also a visual person and needs to see it on paper in order to fully digest the "proposal". He loves spreadsheets, charts and graphs.

 

[kweenameena]

bumpity bump bump bump

 

[gn1g]

This is what Oprah talks about giving away your power and shrinking down.

 

[Fine 4s]

This sounds like negotiation skills. One has to know what style works best with what type of man in getting your needs met. The tactics used with one may not work for the other as DLewis mentioned.

This is not about shrinking down IMO but HOW (strategy) to get what YOU want or Getting to Yes (like the book). We do this EVERYDAY at work. You have to learn HOW to ask for something in order to get it. It's called politics and it's no different in relationships (fortunately or unfortunately depending on your proclivity for such skills).
Do we shrink down when we motivate or nudge our children in a particular direction?

In any case, I have little experience with this but I'd like to learn more. So far, its seems my SO may be easy to handle but who knows how it will progress. Perhaps I should revisit how I encouraged him to rethink that whole COD video game issue. I remember a couple of days had passed without my bringing it up so maybe patience is key with him.

I'm not sure I'm clever enough to be able to do it right:

1. Keep it short and sweet (saying what you want)
2. Don't resist or fight back when he disagrees
3. Know what drives/motivates him
4. Feed that desire by being sincere
5. Be patient
6. Believe in the plan
7. Lastly don't gloat!!!!

Now see 1, 2 and 5 would be an EPIC FAIL for me.