Love is a Losing Game

[Aidenberry03]

I have met a wonderful man. I prayed and asked for someone who would cherish me and love me unconditionally. Well that prayer was answered...

I know you are wondering now, if she is so happy why is she posting this

I am screwing this up. He is very affectionate. I don't know how to show him this back. He was so frustrated with me last night he was in tears. I am hurting him and I dont know how to stop. He tells me he feels rejected.

I have never been an affectionate person, whether it was kisses, hugs, holding hands, etc. I was more of a " I will get mine and you get the hell out" kind of girl. I dont want to lose him, but on the other hand I dont want him to feel unhappy (we all know where that would lead). He cares and he is showing it.

So how do I get thru this. Please help!!!!!

 

[cocoaluv]

explain to him exactly everything you just typed. Let him know that its not that you dont like him, because you really do, but you are just not affectionate and it will take time for you to change and you are NOT trying to hurt him in any way.

 

[MizzBrown]

Send him my way.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

Talk to him. Explain to him what you just told us. Maybe all he needs is to hear that you are still with him.

 

[Aidenberry03]

I tried to explain to him last night. He is not getting it. He thinks it is an excuse, that I dont care about him. He says that I am leading him on, which is so not true.

I have come off a emotionless and not being able to love...which is true sorta

I have been hurt so many times, it hard to show my vulnerable side. Now that I have someone who is showing me that its worth it, it difficult to put those walls down. Last night he was very close to calling a quits, and to be honest I could not blame him one bit.

I am really trying not to be a woman scorned and punish him.

Maybe I should let him go his way while I work this out....ALONE

 

[Allandra]

I have met a wonderful man. I prayed and asked for someone who would cherish me and love me unconditionally. Well that prayer was answered...

I know you are wondering now, if she is so happy why is she posting this

I am screwing this up. He is very affectionate. I don't know how to show him this back. He was so frustrated with me last night he was in tears. I am hurting him and I dont know how to stop. He tells me he feels rejected.

I have never been an affectionate person, whether it was kisses, hugs, holding hands, etc. I was more of a " I will get mine and you get the hell out" kind of girl. I dont want to lose him, but on the other hand I dont want him to feel unhappy (we all know where that would lead). He cares and he is showing it.

So how do I get thru this. Please help!!!!!

It's called communication.

If you don't sit down and talk with him, he'll never know. He's not a mind reader. If you want to keep him around, COMMUNICATE. It's a very important thing in any type of relationship.

 

[Hil84figer]

Send him my way.

Mizzz.. you wrong

But on a serious note, I'm not that affectionate myself. hugs, etc. I really have to know you and trust you to feel comfortable to give my affections. Let him know that and there should be some understanding. The fact that you are honest about your feelings should lead to some sort of understanding and gives him way how to handle it.

 

[foxxymami]

I tried to explain to him last night. He is not getting it. He thinks it is an excuse, that I dont care about him. He says that I am leading him on, which is so not true.

I have come off a emotionless and not being able to love...which is true sorta

I have been hurt so many times, it hard to show my vulnerable side. Now that I have someone who is showing me that its worth it, it difficult to put those walls down. Last night he was very close to calling a quits, and to be honest I could not blame him one bit.

I am really trying not to be a woman scorned and punish him.

Maybe I should let him go his way while I work this out....ALONE

I don't think you're punishing him? You're not being mean right now, you just have to become used to having someone around and being affectionate. You're being honest with him about the journey you've had and why you are the way you are, and I think that's a good start.

Like Allandra said, communication is key You don't need to let that man go girl, work it out!!! Yall can do it

 

[Connie]

Is it that you're not comfortable being affectionate in public? It could just be me, but public displays of affection is something I notice more with other races than with ours. For a while I thought I was really strange, because I love to be all touchy-feely with a guy I'm crazy about, yet I would notice my friends barely holding hands with a guy they were 'going with'. And I come from a family that's not even that big on hugging. I've never hugged my Mom and would feel quite awkward doing it, however, we're very close and there's nothing I wouldn't do for my Mommy.

 

[Aidenberry03]

Let me give you all an example.

Him: Aiden why don't you kiss me
Aiden: You smoke and I dont like the way it taste.
Him: Okay I will do something about it, but you are supposed to be comfortable and accept me the way I am. I would kiss you first thing in the morning
Aiden: First thing in the morning is not happening, I will give you a peck on the lips though

2 weeks later...In the mean time, I thought I was being more affectionate. (This is a big thing with him)

Him: Why cant you kiss me for more that 2 seconds with out turning your head
Aiden: I am kissing you more like you asked why are you complaining.
Him: I want kissing, foreplay, the whole nine. You seem repulsed by me.
Aiden: Why are you arguing with me
Him: I wont get a chance to see you until next Tuesday. You are hurting me. I am tired of this
Aiden: Okay, so what do you want me to do
Him: Show me that you care, show me some intensity. I am not your brother.
Aiden
Aiden: Okay

Keep in mind this went on for about 2 hours. This is just a snippet.

 

[Aidenberry03]

I am just now to the point where I can hold his hand in public. We hug each other more. I mean I dont hug my mom either. Hell she has never even said that she loved me. With my dad, well I am alway leary of him. But I love my daddy to death. He wants to hug all the time and I get so tense....Do I need to see a therapist. I think this maybe a serious problem. I may have some childhood issues here. Damn!!!!

Is it that you're not comfortable being affectionate in public? It could just be me, but public displays of affection is something I notice more with other races than with ours. For a while I thought I was really strange, because I love to be all touchy-feely with a guy I'm crazy about, yet I would notice my friends barely holding hands with a guy they were 'going with'. And I come from a family that's not even that big on hugging. I've never hugged my Mom and would feel quite awkward doing it, however, we're very close and there's nothing I wouldn't do for my Mommy.

 

[Bublin]

Maybe I should let him go his way while I work this out....ALONE

No don't do this.

If he didn't love you he would have hot-footed it a long time ago so i think he'll be sticking around for while.

I can be lacking in the affection department too and have been critisised for it in the past.

I have to admit i found it difficult to 'change' whilst still with the same man. It just felt fake. But i vowed that in a new relationship i would be very 'touchy feely'. I'm glad i changed. Affection feels good to give and receive.

Since it sounds like this man is a keeper try changing very very slowly so that he doesn't notice a dramatic change.

For example...the next time you go to the movies just hold his hand. Nothing more if you don't want to.

Or, start to give him more compliments if you're not already - this too is a sign of affection.

Start calling him baby, honey or whatever you choose.

Send him an affectionate text - just to say you love him.

When you have a conversation with him punctuate with a touch on his knee, his arm whilst talking.

Hope this helps.

 

[NessaNessa]

IMHO, I think you have to work on YOU. You have to let go of that old baggage and not allow it to ruin this relationship with this guy you deem great. I know because I have been there.

I had a great man but because of the baggage I carried around from the previous relationship, the relationship soured. The crazy thing is, I knew it was ME and I recognized my actions while in the relationship. He had some faults, but in all honesty, I had waaaay too much baggage from being hurt and lied to. I have since healed. That great guy is now a great friend to me!!! I love him and he love me but more in a best friend kind of way. I am now ready for the next man to come along and I know I wont have any baggage to haul around.

Work on getting rid of the feelings you have from your past relationships. Dont dwell on the past. It was the past. You learn from the past and grow from those experiences. I wish you the best aidenberry

Sit down and tell that man what is going on. Be real with him. He deserves it

 

[spelmanlocks]

Communication is definitely key, so I agree with the others you need to talk to him about why you are that way. Talking to him about your past will help bring those emotional walls down some.

You are going to really have to push yourself to change and let him know verbally and also show him that you are trying to change. I think if he sees you making an effort he will at least be able to appreciate that.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I tried to explain to him last night. He is not getting it. He thinks it is an excuse, that I dont care about him. He says that I am leading him on, which is so not true.

I have come off a emotionless and not being able to love...which is true sorta

I have been hurt so many times, it hard to show my vulnerable side. Now that I have someone who is showing me that its worth it, it difficult to put those walls down. Last night he was very close to calling a quits, and to be honest I could not blame him one bit.

I am really trying not to be a woman scorned and punish him.

Maybe I should let him go his way while I work this out....ALONE

OMG, Aidenberry, this is ME to a tee. I don't think I've ever been secure enough in a relationship to really let my guard down and those sensitive, vulnerable parts of me show. There were moments, but I'm definitely not very emotionally expressive or super affectionate. So I know exactly where you're coming from.

 

[klb120475]

Well I can certainly relate to this thread right here. In the past I've never been a real touchy feely luvy duvy kinda girl. So, after my divorce I said I wanted to change my ways...I wanted to be affectionate. Here's what I did....

I slowly started pressing myself to be affectionate.

• Like for instance I call people "sweetie" alot.
• I intentionally give hugs and kisses
• I tell people I luv them
• I created "Boo"...so when he came along I would be familiar with him and would feel comfortable calling him "Boo".

These are just a few things I've done and now it just comes naturally to me. If you desire to be an affectionate person...you can be one.

 

[Bublin]

You seem repulsed by me.
quote]

Aidenberry - i have a question - ARE you repulsed by him? May be you don't fancy him or find him attractive enough.

 

[NessaNessa]

Let me give you all an example.

Him: Aiden why don't you kiss me
Aiden: You smoke and I dont like the way it taste.
Him: Okay I will do something about it, but you are supposed to be comfortable and accept me the way I am. I would kiss you first thing in the morning
Aiden: First thing in the morning is not happening, I will give you a peck on the lips though

2 weeks later...In the mean time, I thought I was being more affectionate. (This is a big thing with him)

Him: Why cant you kiss me for more that 2 seconds with out turning your head
Aiden: I am kissing you more like you asked why are you complaining.
Him: I want kissing, foreplay, the whole nine. You seem repulsed by me.
Aiden: Why are you arguing with me
Him: I wont get a chance to see you until next Tuesday. You are hurting me. I am tired of this
Aiden: Okay, so what do you want me to do
Him: Show me that you care, show me some intensity. I am not your brother.
Aiden
Aiden: Okay

Keep in mind this went on for about 2 hours. This is just a snippet.

Um, from your above post, you seem to be very cold toward him. He appears to be open about what he want. He is telling you what he want instead of going elsewhere to find it and it your actions may bery well push him away. Your responses seem so nonchalant Sorta like you dont care And from your OP I know you do care. Your retorts can very well have a negative effect on him...

 

[foxxymami]

Let me give you all an example.

Him: Aiden why don't you kiss me
Aiden: You smoke and I dont like the way it taste.
Him: Okay I will do something about it, but you are supposed to be comfortable and accept me the way I am. I would kiss you first thing in the morning
Aiden: First thing in the morning is not happening, I will give you a peck on the lips though

2 weeks later...In the mean time, I thought I was being more affectionate. (This is a big thing with him)

Him: Why cant you kiss me for more that 2 seconds with out turning your head
Aiden: I am kissing you more like you asked why are you complaining.
Him: I want kissing, foreplay, the whole nine. You seem repulsed by me.
Aiden: Why are you arguing with me
Him: I wont get a chance to see you until next Tuesday. You are hurting me. I am tired of this
Aiden: Okay, so what do you want me to do
Him: Show me that you care, show me some intensity. I am not your brother.
Aiden
Aiden: Okay

Keep in mind this went on for about 2 hours. This is just a snippet.

It sounds like his 'language of love' is affection/touching. And yours is probably totally different from his. Are you entirely opposed to showing him the bit of affection he craves? If not, just continue to talk with him and get him to understand that you are Actively trying and that you are coming along, only it may take some time for your walls to come down in that area. So try, try, and try some more but in the meantime, maybe you can turn up the notch on your 'language of love' so that he feels appreciated in other ways.

If you are opposed to giving him the affection he wants, then the question I'd probably ask is why. Do you feel you can't totally open up to him yet? Do you feel uncertain about whether or not he'll be kind to your heart? Ask and answer those and other questions about your present and past to find out what is causing this stumbling block so you can knock it out of the way!!

To me, I think he just needs to know that he feels loved and appreciated by you. Until you feel more comfortable with kissing and hugging, just find other ways to show him

Though, I think you guys will make it Aiden....I can tell you really like him

 

[foxxymami]

Work on getting rid of the feelings you have from your past relationships. Dont dwell on the past. It was the past. You learn from the past and grow from those experiences. I wish you the best aidenberry

Sit down and tell that man what is going on. Be real with him. He deserves it

EXACTLY!

He deserves it and so do you. I really think yall can work this out Aiden

 

[Aidenberry03]

Not at all. I mean he is the only man I am thinking about. I love to see him coming. I mean I light up. He is so cute too Sexually he can keep up which was a problem in my last "relationship" but I dont know how to combine the sexually intensity and attractions to one that he can feel outside the bedroom. He wants me to make love to him. How do you do that? I am the queen of __________well you know. For some reason, in my head I cannot make the connections. Its like when we are intimate its just a physically satisfaction. Am I making any sense right now. My thoughts are really jumbled

You seem repulsed by me.
quote]

Aidenberry - i have a question - ARE you repulsed by him? May be you don't fancy him or find him attractive enough.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Aiden, I think this right here is a situation that's causing you to step out and grow. I don't believe you have insurmountable issues to the point where it's necessary to exit the relationship. You wouldn't be there if you didn't care.

Change is necessary. It feels uncomfortable and awkward, but I think ultimately this will help your relationship to grow. Maybe he was upset and didn't hear where you were coming from. Open up to him, examine where these feelings are coming from, and let him know that he may have to be patient with you. You WANT to be in this relationship, but because of past experiences you are a little shy when it comes to opening yourself up and really being affectionate like he wants you to be.

I think this is something you can work on within the relationship, if he's willing to work with you. If not, then maybe this is not the right guy.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, girl.

 

[NessaNessa]

It sounds like his 'language of love' is affection/touching. And yours is probably totally different from his. Are you entirely opposed to showing him the bit of affection he craves? If not, just continue to talk with him and get him to understand that you are Actively trying and that you are coming along, only it may take some time for your walls to come down in that area. So try, try, and try some more but in the meantime, maybe you can turn up the notch on your 'language of love' so that he feels appreciated in other ways.

If you are opposed to giving him the affection he wants, then the question I'd probably ask is why. Do you feel you can't totally open up to him yet? Do you feel uncertain about whether or not he'll be kind to your heart? Ask and answer those and other questions about your present and past to find out what is causing this stumbling block so you can knock it out of the way!!

To me, I think he just needs to know that he feels loved and appreciated by you. Until you feel more comfortable with kissing and hugging, just find other ways to show him

Though, I think you guys will make it Aiden....I can tell you really like him

Wow!!! I was going to come back and post something VERY similar to this. Thans for saving me the time

ITA with this...

 

[klb120475]

Wow!!! I was going to come back and post something VERY similar to this. Thans for saving me the time

ITA with this...

I'm so proud of you......

 

[Aidenberry03]

I agree. When we were talking last night it was more like a battle. We have been fighting so much this past month I am exhausted. So when he started up, I was just I dont want to do this right now with you. We had a big blow up earlier in the week. I mean he threw my keys in my purse and walked out. I waved the white flag, fixed the situation. He wants me to fight for him, but I dont have any fight left. I am doing the best I can, he doesnt want a casual transition, he wants this now.

Um, from your above post, you seem to be very cold toward him. He appears to be open about what he want. He is telling you what he want instead of going elsewhere to find it and it your actions may bery well push him away. Your responses seem so nonchalant Sorta like you dont care And from your OP I know you do care. Your retorts can very well have a negative effect on him...

 

[NessaNessa]

I'm so proud of you......

Thanks!! And I am going to have me a boo sometime in the near future also Ooooh, I cant wait. Or can I?

 

[Connie]

I am just now to the point where I can hold his hand in public. We hug each other more. I mean I dont hug my mom either. Hell she has never even said that she loved me. With my dad, well I am alway leary of him. But I love my daddy to death. He wants to hug all the time and I get so tense....Do I need to see a therapist. I think this maybe a serious problem. I may have some childhood issues here. Damn!!!!

My Mom told me she loved me once, then she added 'with your mean self'! It was during my rebellious years..lol.

My Dad was a tad too affectionate the few times he showed up in my life. Looking back, some of his 'kisses' were borderline inappropriate, but without any other fatherly example in my life, I thought this was the norm. I didn't even realize it until I got my first kiss from a high school crush years later and it reminded me of my Dad. Fortunately by then my Dad's visits had ceased years before and I wasn't missing him. He passed away 16 years ago, and I don't harbor any ill feelings. If anything, I truly wish he'd been more of a real father and not a 'daddy' whose 'kisses' made me squirm. I have an somewhat uncomfortable feeling that the first guy whose kiss reminds me of my Dad will be the one I really fall hard for. It's not like I was in love with my Dad, but your Dad is the first man in a girl's life, kwim?

Never underestimate the influence a fatherly presence can have on a daughter. :-(

 

[Aidenberry03]

DLewis explained this perfectly. I am a service type girl. When you do things for me I feel loved. His is different. So when I show him my way of love he does not see or appreciate it. My love is having his dinner ready when he comes home ( I dont cook either) or picking him up a new shirt. Things like that.

It sounds like his 'language of love' is affection/touching. And yours is probably totally different from his. Are you entirely opposed to showing him the bit of affection he craves? If not, just continue to talk with him and get him to understand that you are Actively trying and that you are coming along, only it may take some time for your walls to come down in that area. So try, try, and try some more but in the meantime, maybe you can turn up the notch on your 'language of love' so that he feels appreciated in other ways.

If you are opposed to giving him the affection he wants, then the question I'd probably ask is why. Do you feel you can't totally open up to him yet? I cant let him in yet. He just told me recently that during the time we have been back to get he was still trying to bring his ex fiancee to the states. He is from Kenya. But I am quite sure he is only with me now. I have a strong feeling about that. Do you feel uncertain about whether or not he'll be kind to your heart? Yep, he may up and leave tomorrow, he is thinking of moving away. He did ask me to join him though.Ask and answer those and other questions about your present and past to find out what is causing this stumbling block so you can knock it out of the way!!

To me, I think he just needs to know that he feels loved and appreciated by you. Until you feel more comfortable with kissing and hugging, just find other ways to show him

Though, I think you guys will make it Aiden....I can tell you really like him

 

[Missjksn21]

The five love languages is definately my bible for relationships ( except of course the bible) I recommend you get it and you both take the quiz at the end together, I got it from the Olive Branch of the library, but you guys can probably make a date out of going to the bookstore and taking the quiz together. Maybe he has a second love language that is equally as important as physical touch that you can cater to until you get comfortable with being more affectionate. HTH. Can't wait to meet you at the drunken fish next week!

 

[Aidenberry03]

We changed it to the 15th if that is okay with you. Check the Meet and Greet board. If you would like we can still hang out though. Its up to you, just let me know.

The five love languages is definately my bible for relationships ( except of course the bible) I recommend you get it and you both take the quiz at the end together, I got it from the Olive Branch of the library, but you guys can probably make a date out of going to the bookstore and taking the quiz together. Maybe he has a second love language that is equally as important as physical touch that you can cater to until you get comfortable with being more affectionate. HTH. Can't wait to meet you at the drunken fish next week!