Long Distance

[GreenEyedJen]

Hello ladies...

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just some thoughts on my current situation. Some background: I was born and raised in Philly, moved to Baltimore for undergrad, stayed in the DMV for an additional four years after school, and moved to Florida the summer of 2011 to begin law school.

Sometime around my 25th birthday (May 2010) I began talking to this guy online. He was super attractive and sweet. We would talk on the phone for hours. It was really strange, but we became really connected. I normally don't fall for people easily, but it just seemed like we were meant for each other. We're both artsy types, we have similar taste in clothing and music, and our zodiac signs are very compatible (I'm a Taurus, he's Pisces). We finally met some months later, at the end of 2010. He looked just like his pictures (no Catfish craziness here, folks ) and we had a really nice night. Unfortunately, for stupid reasons (mainly my on and off relationship with an ex) we didn't see each other again for quite some time and nothing really came of the relationship.

I applied for law school very late. I didn't take the LSAT until February of 2011 for Fall 2011 matriculation. When I finally decided that I was going for sure, it was the middle of April. I had 3.5 months to pack my apartment up, find housing 1,000 miles away, and move. I tried to rekindle something with Pisces before I left, but he didn't come to see me before I left and I felt slighted. He apologized, but being the sensitive person I am, I wasn't really feeling it and we basically lost touch my first year of law school. I started dating someone in Florida, and that coupled with the shock of being back in school meant that our friendship was pretty much non-existent.

Eventually, I realized that I jumped into a relationship with the guy in Florida way too fast and there was no way our relationship was going to work. I found out that my family reunion was going to be in MD last summer, and I thought that that would be the perfect time to see all my friends, my family, and Pisces. The reunion was in southern MD and Pisces lives north of Baltimore, so I wasn't sure if he was going to drive the two hours it took to get down to my hotel (I flew home, to Philly, from school and then rode to the reunion with my immediate family so I had no transportation of my own). Well, he did. And we slept together. I initiated it. Yes ladies, don't judge me! And it was lovely. He was super caring, kind, complemented me throughout, didn't immediately jump up and run to the bathroom, held me all night...just pretty much everything I wanted. My friend and I were flying out the next day to Miami for her birthday trip so I didn't get to spend the next day with him like I wanted, but we spoke of him coming to FL to visit during my next semester.

Fast forward to the next semester. He kept his word, and came to visit me We had an awesome time together. I had one of my friends down there meet him and she loved him for me. Now, I've been home in Philly for winter break since December 4th and I've seen him once (again, I have no transportation, my car is in FL) and we're planning on linking up whenever we can while I'm here. Another (male) friend met him the last time I saw him and he also really liked him.

This is my dilemma. I am very shy when it comes to relationship talks. Funny, because I'm not shy really anywhere else. We've spoken once about long distance relationships. He didn't seem too keen on the idea, but he agreed that we have a strong bond and with more time spent together, he could see a relationship in the future. But here's the thing, ladies. I'm 27. And while I in no way feel as though I'm old (mom was 26 when she met my dad, didn't get married until she was in her 30's, didn't have me until she was 35 and my parents are still married to this day) I do feel as though I need to start getting serious about the guys I date. One of my friends pointed out that I always have some guy in the wings, and that's true. But I'm getting tired of that now. Pisces is a great guy and I have some really strong feelings for him, but I have to get serious about life. I'll be graduating law school a day before my 29th birthday (2014). I don't know if I want to wait until then to know if this relationship is going to blossom into a true union or not. Should I mention the relationship thing again? Keep riding this wave a bit more and see if he mentions the subject? Something else?

General thoughts/opinions are welcome.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

I think you should bring it up and discuss it. You don't want to put all your eggs in his basket without knowing if there is a chance for more. I don't know if you love him but I quote the mama from the movie the brothers "don't be timid with love...cause we invented the ish".

 

[DancingAlison]

Hahaha I agree with the above comment. Check with your Boo. Let him know how you feel. If you have already experienced intimacy then there is no need to be shy. Go get what you want girl just like you initiated what you wanted that night! Good luck.

 

[biznesswmn]

Just wondering... Have you visited him at his home? Met any of his family and friends? I hear that you want to get serious sooner than later, but it doesnt sound like you know him very well. I say, if you can stand it just ride it out a bit longer and see if HE asks YOU for exclusivity. Basically, he seems cool w the status quo. He should make that move. You are the prize.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

He didn't seem too keen on the idea, but he agreed that we have a strong bond and with more time spent together, he could see a relationship in the future.

There's your answer. He doesn't feel the same and isn't willing to hedge whatever he's doing all the other weekends you are in FL against a committment with you.

A man that wants to be with you will shut everyone and everything down. Don't get caught up in fairy tales because of how good his representative has been. A hot one night stand and a weekend in FL does not a relationship make. Your dilemna is not being shy - your dilemna is you want an excuse to ignore your intuition and ignore what he's shown you on the hope that "with time" he will change his mind. That makes NO sense.

The fact that other people like him means nothing. Know yourself enough to get your check list of real life traits you do/don't want in a mate .

You can choose to keep sleeping with him on the hope that with time things will be different or you can recognize game for what it is and press on. Trust if he meets someone locally that he wants to be with he's not going to tell her I have to wait for greeneyejen to finish law school before I can see if this is real. He will say I'm sorry but I told you I didn't want an LDR and I have to be happy as you sit there heartbroken and mad at men. Mad over the choices you made.

Don't believe me? See if his profile is still active on the sight you met him on. Y'all friends on FB? See if he's actively dating while declaring you're good enough to stay in the stable as a back up. Don't play the bold in bed game if you're not able to keep it all separate or match that boldness by asking for what you want outside of bed. A couple of O's does not a future make.

Trust that YOU are the prize and act accordingly.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

It's not that I want a relationship quickly. I actually get kind of scared when I get in a serious relationship and have broken up with every guy I've gotten serious with when they start talking about major life decisions, like moving in together.

I do know myself and what I want in a mate. I was lucky enough to grow up in a household with two strong, Black parents that were both highly educated and held down great jobs. I had great role models for both life, jobs, education, and a mate. I'm not sure if I agree that with time minds can't change, though. I know mine has.

I won't be mad at men if this doesn't work out. I've been treated much worse by men and haven't given up yet. I do agree that sex doesn't make a relationship. I'm actually okay with that. I'm less okay with the feelings invested.

From what I know, he doesn't have a profile on the site we met on anymore. He could have changed his name, but his old profile isn't there. Yes, we're friends on FB, Twitter, and Instagram. He has female friends but I haven't seen any signs that he's talking to any of them the way we are. He comments more on my stuff than I do on his; he always responds when I comment on his stuff and posted pictures of our visit on his FB and Instagram page. From what I've seen he let everyone know that asked about his trip that he had a great time with me. But that to me isn't saying much. Some women love to talk to guys that have their eye on someone else and will try harder when his attention is taken by another woman.

Thanks bklynbornNbred...you've now got me thinking something else, though...

biznesswmn Thank you...nope haven't visited his home, and yes that is a red flag for me. I haven't met his family or friends, but I have spoken to them. They knew who I was when we spoke on the phone, but that was around the beginning of 2011.

So say I "realize" that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. This is hypothetical, because I'm not convinced of this. Would you all cut him off or continue to see him, not because of the possibility of a relationship but just because you like him?

Oh, I'm not just dating him. I didn't think to mention that in my previous post. He's the only guy I'm sleeping with but I'm dating (going out on dates with) some other guys. For fun. He's the only one I really like, though.

 

[Middle]

I agree that you need to start being serious about the people you date. You should talk to him and be honest about your thoughts and feelings. When law school is done are you going to be willing to move to wherever so you guys can have a serious relationship?

 

[biznesswmn]

I personally would continue to date and have fun, protect against preg and stds, and guard my heart. You have enough to worry about with law school and all. Pisces dont sound like 'the one'.

Long distance and met online? Be careful and good luck